The mental part of abuse is insidious. If your husband is abusive, you don't have to have his permission to get divorced. What you have to do is learn to separate his put-downs and control from reality, be very careful of your own physical and mental safety, and be prepared to give up some security.


Steps

1. BELIEVE that you have choices.
2. Think about where you want to go and what you want to do. Have a plan. It's not wrong to have dreams and believe you're worth having a good life. Break it down into manageable steps: the short term (getting away safely) and the longer term (getting a decent job, whatever...).
3. Find a shelter or women's center with people who can counsel you discreetly. Some places will help you even if you have children, but most will at least be conduits to other agencies who can help. They may be able to put you onto Legal Aid sources who can get you a lawyer. They will know about job training programs if you need one. They may be able to help with childcare or a transitional residence where you'll be away and safe.
4. Prepare without telling your husband or anyone who might tell him. Be smart enough to not even give him subtle clues. Don't circle the shelter's phone number and leave it by the phone! If you look up a place online, be sure to delete it from your History file before you log off.
5. Get counseling. The shelter/women's centers will have leads on that too. When you're abused, your self-esteem is so wrecked that your reasoning is flawed. You need to listen to someone who knows about such things and be prepared to take their advice. Sure, even those people make mistakes sometimes, but you must learn to put your own welfare #1 on the list and that means letting go of what the abuser has "sold" you to keep you under his thumb. Don't let him take over your life.
6. Remember that this is YOUR life that is at stake. If he's physically abusive, it's well established that the levels of violence will escalate. Sure, he promises it will never happen again, and you have a nice time for a bit, but the cycles ALWAYS repeat themselves. After a beating you might end up permanently scarred or brain-damaged or maimed or even dead. What use will his promises be then?

Tips

• Tell a friend about the abuse and have a code so they know when to call the police.
• If you have family you trust to help, enlist their aid too. You may be ashamed of your choices and reluctant to ask for help, but ask anyhow. If they can't or won't help, don't let that stop you.
• Make sure you have a list of important numbers in your wallet, or store important information on a Yahoo! (or similar) account where you can reach it anywhere. Assume you won't be able to go back home to pick up anything once you make the break.
• Have a friend or family member (outside of the home) keep a calender to record what happens. Show them if you have bruises and don't hide it. This is what really tells the jury what is happening.
• Be realistic. Take responsibility. Don't be a victim. Believe in yourself: seek out professional counseling with a psychologist, you can learn new ways to live and recover. Give yourself time.
• It will go easier if you leave with a plan, a place to go already lined up, etc. BUT if you feel as if you're in danger, don't hesitate, RUN!

Warnings

• Even if you believe that your abuser loves you, and you love him, the only solution is to remove yourself from the situation. You do not "fix" abusers.
• Call the police if you're physically abused. First, you need to establish a record of the abuse. The authorities also know where you can go to get away. NEVER put up with violence. It always escalates and women do die.
• Your life won't be perfect after you get away. In the USA we do not take care of our own particularly well. Social programs struggle to stay afloat. You may not be able to live financially the way you used to. But you will LIVE.