2 adopted children and now pregnant, should my older kids be at the baby's birth?

Linny G

Oh. My. God. No.

First of all, they are too young, in my opinion. Second of all, and MOST importantly, watching a birth can be one of THE most triggering events for an adoptee. Watching a baby being born from their adoptive mother's womb would be the most excrutiating I can think of. Like throwing salt in THEIR wounds. "Hey, look- here's where you DIDN'T come from!" Thats how they will feel, no matter how excited they may be.
Also, they would be thinking about their own birth, which is always a painful thing for an adoptee. Im sorry, but this to me, would be a crime against these children.

Its not fair to your baby, either He or she deserves a special experience, and I would think you would be too distracted with the other two.

This is so disturbing to me. They are 7 and 9. They have NO IDEA how this will affect them

sunny

I agree with Linny 100%.

Just because they say they want to be there, doesn't mean it would be emotionally good for them, I'm sure they'd love hot fudge sundaes for breakfast every day, but you don't allow that, right?

kateiskate

I think they are very young to be present at the actual birth. That's just my personal opinion. If you think they are mature enough to process what's going on and are comfortable with it, that is a decision you guys can all make together.

eta: yeah I have to say that I wasn't paying enough attention to the question, but I really honestly believe kids don't need to be in the delivery room at all. Seeing my mom's vag would be traumatizing, seeing my brother or sis coming out would be just creepy, and the whole thing seems like a nightmare to me and I'm 21...

Anha S

I think being adopted might factor in, in a way that it wouldn't for other bio children. Watching you give birth, and then bond with that baby may bring up some very real very painful feelings about their first families.

That aside, at 7 and 9, are they really prepared enough for something like that? Would they understand about seeing you in pain or would that be something that would completely freak them out and upset them. I know my 8 almost 9 year old has plenty of ideas that seem so wonderful at the time, and then when she gets herself in the middle of it, it never turns out how she anticipated it.

I wouldn't say exclude them based on the fact that theyre adopted, but give it extra consideration to the future ramifications of doing it.

If it were me, personally, I'd try to find other ways to shore up security and comfort. It just seems too touch and go to involve them in a birth.

Torrejon

My own kids are 7 and 9...we are extremely open about everything related to the body...lots of people tell me that I am too open with my kids. Be that as it may, I would never even consider allowing them attend a live birth....mine or anyone else's. Frankly, that is just too much for their tender ages. They might SAY they want to attend, but they really don't know what they are getting themselves into. NO, no, no is my advice.

I used to work for an OB-GYN, and he used to tell all the FATHERS that attended the birth: If you get overwhelmed and faint we will have to leave you there on the floor unattended. My job during the birth is to take care of the mom and the baby. And, yes...several dads did faint. And, yes...they were left on the floor until mom and baby were done.

Finally, I cannot imagine that a hospital would allow children into a delivery room. Or are you considering a home birth?

tish_part deux

umm.. no.

although i applaud your motives, childbirth is NOT the way to bond with your children. since this is your first delivery (i'm assuming) you have no idea what will happen. contrary to what we wish to believe, childbirth (other than a scheduled c-section, to some degree) is not able to be planned, staged nor predicted. also, there is no way that you can predict what your children will or will not see--the whole "they'll stay at the head of the bed",is not an absolute. this might end up being more confusing and traumatizing to them than any bonding you anticipate. especially if you begin vocalizing in pain.

although i am not an adoptee, i must defer (and agree) with the response by linny--witnessing you give birth might trigger feelings of insecurity over their adoption.

delivery rooms can be scary for children. there is lots of equipment, unfamiliar sounds, people "barking orders", and *maybe* screaming. they'll be lots of medical staff running around, procedures; and blood and misc. bodily fluids (yes, it is very possible that you will vomit, defecate, or urinate during delivery).

unlike the "birth shows" there is no editing and "modesty shots." you will most likely be fully exposed from the chest down, and the staff will not make extra accommodations to protect your children from seeing "unsightly things" other than requesting that they leave.

--------------------------

also, labor can be very LONG and painful for a first mom. you never mentioned if you tend to labor naturally or with anesthesia? there's a difference. many women become sedate after anesthesia, or vomit, loss control of their bladder, et al. in contrast, women who labor naturally usually vocalize more, and the sounds can really scare your children.

hence, your children might get bored, tired and cranky and scared. there is nothing worse than to tend to cranky, scared kids while one is in labor.

as such, i strongly believe that there are many other ways to help your children bond. perhaps they can decorate the room, or pick out the going home outfit. or help change diapers (after the cord has fallen off). but, having them witness your birth is probably not the best way.

to be fair, my son did attend my daughter's birth. he was with me during most of my labor. but left the room when i went into transition; and did not return until after she was delivered. my son was also 14 YEARS OLD, was a bit more mature, and my labor was relatively uneventful. yet he vowed NEVER AGAIN until his partner is having a baby.

i sincerely wish all the kiddos and new bebe lots of love and smooches. and i hope you have a wonderful pregnancy and delivery.

be well.

vmarie84

I agree with Lenny G. As an adoptee, it may be hard to watch your adoptive mother give birth knowing that she didn't give birth to you. I remember as a young kid, I was very confused as to where I came from. I knew that all my friends were born and came from thir mommy's, but I had no idea how I got here. I just think you should seriously think about the effects that it will have on your adopted child. They are your children, but remember they are also adoptees. I am sure you have all the right intentions in mind though. Good luck!!! ALSO KEEP IN MIND THAT MANY PEOPLE THAT ANSWER THIS QUESTION PROBABLY DO NOT KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO BE ADOPTED AS A CHILD. ALSO, WHY DOES IT MATTER WHAT THEIR BIRTHPARENTS SAY. I UNDERSTAND YOU WANT TO BE RESPECTFUL, BUT IN THE FUTURE WITH DECISIONS JUST REMEMBER THAT THEIR BIRTHPARENTS ARE NOT THE ONES RAISING THEM. THEY MADE THAT CHOICE. YOU DO WHAT YOU THINK IS BEST FOR YOUR KIDS.

Laurel J

As an adoptee, just thinking about this is triggering. I don't know how your kids really feel about this, but I can say how I would have felt. If I had been asked when I was 7 or 9 whether I wanted to see my a'mom give birth, I would have smiled and said yes because I tried all my childhood to make her happy. I would have said it was wonderful even though I would have been worrying like heck--what does this mean for me? Am I being replaced? Will she still love me?

And it would have made me feel I was having my adoptive status rubbed in my face: See? See how happy and wonderful this is? See what a "real kid" is? This is how you DIDN'T come into our family. And the family you did come into this way couldn't keep you. That's what I'd be thinking about while I was supposed to be happy to see new life enter the world. Of course that's not the message that would be sent, but it's the message I would have gotten anyway.

I think it's great that you consider the wishes of their first parents BTW. But my instinct is that this is not a good idea.

Lori A

I'm not sure they would be allowed. I can see them thinking how could someone give me up after going through all that pain. If they get queasy they will have to be attended to.

I must be too old school, I really don't think birth should be a spectator sport. It's for the parents who created the child and the attending physician, not the neighbors, minor children, perspective adoptive parents, mail man, extended family, boss, but that's just me.

Heather B

If you have the baby in hospital they probably wouldn't let them spectate anyway.

You have never experienced giving birth. I didn't want anyone near me and got quite annoyed even with my husband being there (this is apparently natural - I even swore at thim LOL, don't remember that part)

When I gave birth the last thing I wanted were spectators. When I had my twins I looked up and saw a room full of people, they wanted to watch a natural twin birth. I hated it and asked them to leave.

It's going to be difficult to help the kids not feel that they are being replaced by the natural child.

Dan B.

how will they ever erase that from their minds.?

your job is to protct them!

zinam

No, they should not be at the birth.

frankie77

If they want to be there, they should be allowed. Of course, if it becomes too much for them, there should be a trusted adult to take care of them in the waiting room and bring them back after the clean up.

Of course, they are REAL siblings!!! How terrible to say that. I have a friend that had one bio son and then adopted 3 kids and then became pregnant by surprise. They are so happy and beautiful.

I am expecting baby #3 in a few weeks and my two older daughters have no interest in being present. They want to wait with grandma until everything is cleaned up. That's fine by me. I have ALL NATURAL births, so might be too much for them to witness.

You do what works best for your family.

Dream_Weaver

Would you be asking this if they were biological themselves?

Let them decide, but me personally, I wouldn't let anyone in but my hubby. Video-tape it if you want to share.

URAH8R

tattooedgemini

i don't think it's a good idea. that has nothing to do with them being adopted though. i don't think it is good for kids that young to see their mom in so much pain because they will want to help and won't be able to. also, you will need to be able to focus on what is happening to you and since you will be in a lot of pain it will be hard for you to do especially when you have two children to look after at the same time. remember that things don't always happen as planned and if some sort of complication(even small) should come about the children will be terrified. i think there are better ways to have them involved than to have them there for the birth. teach them about babies, go through week by week prenatal development. have them help you set up and organize the nursery and pick out clothes toys. get them to help you when the baby arrives with things like setting up a bum change for you so everything is ready and give them a couple small extra responsibilities around the house. they could even help you wash babies hair and stuff. those things are more at their level. with this being your first bio child it may be hard for you to understand exactly how difficult and uncomfortable live birth can be so i would rethink having them there. my kids are 2 mos, 2, 3 and 9 and i would not even consider having them at a birth. leave them with gramma so she can bring them down to meet the new baby when the birth and recovery is finished

Crucio

The first parents clearly have issues. This will be their â€œrealâ€ sibling just like you and your DH are their â€œrealâ€ mother(father)/parent. Since they are that age I would just tell them that they are welcome to partake in this pregnancy as much or as little as they feel comfortable doing. Since you just found out I imagine your due date is several months away so the decision to have them in the birthing room does not have to be made now and even though they want to be there now let them know if they change their minds thatâ€™s ok too. As someone said you will want to find out wherever you are delivering unless you will be at home that children this young can be in the delivery room.

I would not base the decision on what the first parents want. These are your children and you donâ€™t need to be consulting their first parents on what they approve of or disapprove of. This is their (kids) family and if they want to partake in some fashion in their mothers pregnancy / siblings birth that is also their right. They are liable to feel left out if you do not include them simple because they are adopted. I know some people say it could have a bad effect on them but this again is just an assumption. One can not know for 100% no one can know how your kids will handle being apart of their siblings birth if they can partake and choose too. I would even say any child a live birth though a special event is not something all people can handle even more young kids regardless who the woman is giving birth. It be wise to have an adult there who can take the children out if they decide they donâ€™t want to be there anymore.

You can also have them help prepare for the baby, decorate the nursery, pick out cloths, toys, take them to a doctor appointment if they want too. They could even make a gift for the new baby.

monkeykitty83

Check the policies at the hospital or birthing centre you plan to use to make sure children that young would be allowed to be present during a delivery, unless you are doing a home birth. Some will allow that, and some will not, and you don't want to have to deal with explaining a surprise restriction to your kids while you're in labour.

Assuming everything is go for that, I think the KIDS should decide whether to be present. At 7 and 9, they're able to make their own choice whether they would like to be there for the birth of their sibling. You should communicate to them as best you can that they are welcome, but this is in no way required.

I think the best way to make sure they neither feel excluded or forced is to ask if THEY want to be there, and follow their wishes. Since you've said they want to, I think their experience and desires have priority over those of any of their parents.

Jennifer L

I don't think there's anything wrong with kids observing the birth of a sibling, if the children are comfortable with it. Check the policies of the hospital. It's generally recommended that children have a special support person with them, who can be with them and take them out of the room if necessary. It may be that they will be comfortable being there while you are laboring, but may find the actual birth to be too much. Check to see if there are classes or books designed to help the children understand.

I don't think that because the children are adopted means that they must be excluded from this. I think that they're old enough to decide if they want to be a part of it.

gungirl

if they are comfortable with it and so are you then why on earth not?? Make sure there is someone there to support them as well- make sure they know if they feel anxious they are welcome to ask questions and if they are feeling nervous they can step out of the room. i have worked with women with their children in the room and some of the kids were right into it and totally stoked with it and some kids were anxious and nervous. remember to talk about labour with them and to tell them that you will be making noises and will be in pain but it will be a good pain as its what brings the baby into the world. pack a bag with drinks and snacks and things to do- sometimes labour can be long and boring- particularly for first births. Make a big fuss of them too as they will be older brother and sister so include them in things with the baby- perhaps 9 yo could be in charge of taking the first piccys etc and the 8 yo could help with picking out the first outfit bubby wears. Its not 'sick' and if the kids live with you FT then they will be siblings- real or not! Birth is a natural and wonderful process capable of reducing grown men to tears of joy. Congratulations by the way! Some midwives/ doctors arent comfortable with having kids around the birth so stick to your guns and discuss it with your healthcare providers before the birth. Or you could just have a homebirth and have whoever you like present!

*Chloe...x*

I think its a good idea to have them there.
and if they say that they want to then who cares what anyone else thinks.

Kiki

You can make them feel a part of the experience without having them at the birth. I don't know of anyone who has had their kids, adoptive or bio, at the birth of their siblings.

Be careful not to put too much emphasis on the natural child vs. adoptive child thing... you could end up creating more of a divide than would otherwise be there. They're all your children and whether or not you gave birth to them, they were all born in your heart.

Swimmy'sMom

Yes. They should be at the birth. If they aren't, they could feel left out and not as 'important' as the new baby. Make sure that they know that just because you are having a baby it does not change the fact that you love them and that they are a part of the family no matter what. Let them help decorate the nursery or pick out baby clothes. Ask them what they would like to do with the baby when it is born. Does one of them love a particular sport? Ask them if they would teach it to their new sibling when he/she gets old enough. Make them feel included and above all, let them become comfortable with the idea of the baby at their own pace.

iloveyou:)

I would say either adopted or bio children probably should not be present for the actual birth but certanily should be at the hospital. Maybe qhile your breathinng deeply before it gets to messy. Find other ways to invole them. Share the baby names you like and ask for their opinions maybe give them two options and let them choose which they like best. Take them to the store and let them each pick out an outfit or toy for the baby. Go online and find tshirts that say "big brother" or "big sister" and have them wear them to the hospital. Take them to build a bear and have them build something for the baby. Try to find as many ways as you can to involve them in such a special occasion. I also think if the bio parents should have no say because they gave the children up. Make sure you make everyone feel eqqually loved! Good luck and congrats!

HappyMomAnna

I think it depends on your children and how much they want to "Be There". Just as I would consider that as an important factor with any child.

I also think that it is important that "pregnancy" and "childbirth" not be a topic that YOU make off limits when talking to them... They were born and they were once in the womb of their pregnant mother. Just because it wasn't you--doesn't mean you can't share the natural things that happen to All of us.

...and there is a huge chance that one day they will have children of their own...statistically they will have children the old fashioned way...

Pregnancy and childbirth is part of life and just because you were not pregnant with them...and didn't give birth to them doesn't mean they were not created the same way as the sibling, and children they parent.

It sounds like there is contact with their biological parents (rare with foster child adoptions). What an opportunity this actually is for you, the children and their biological parents!

Children Want to know where they come from and how it happens... They will see it happen with your pregnancy and they will desire to know about the pregnancy and birth that is about their life.

Your children have a birth story. There are things that may be known or not... There may be things about their birth story that are not completely positive as is often the case with children in foster care. They need to know about the truth... Even if it isn't perfect the truth is part of how they came to have a different growing up family. They need to know that what happened before they were born and what led to them needing an adoptive family had nothing to do with them being less then perfect babies.

It would be a blessing to know their own birth story as they witness the miracle of birth in their home. You are their mother and you have the power to set the tone. If you act as if this is a negative thing for them--it will be... If you act as if this is how life is continued and assure them that their lives started the same as the new baby's and make this natural it will be.

One thing that you as a mother may learn by this experience is that love is love and being a mother is amazing no matter how it happens. I can understand how those who have not experienced being an adoptive parent would assume that there could be a difference in how we might feel about a child based on birth.

Personally, I would really only consider the feelings and readiness of the children regarding HOW much they are a part of the actual birth... I don't think I would even want my children to be there for the "messy parts" no matter how they were my children... But, that's just what I would want for myself to me it would be too personal FOR ME.

In most situations your children would also be given some advanced education and sometimes classes and tours of the hospital long before the Moment came... So that they can understand and decide what they want to witness. There would need to be plans for events like C-sections or emergencies.

Asking them right Now is one thing when the time comes it may be something else. They should be very secure and reminded frequently that they are Allowed to Change their mind at anytime--No Hard Feelings!

To exclude them based on the fact they are adopted seems like an odd way to look at the situation... Should they be excluded when they become parents because they were adopted?

I am not sure why you need to express the fact that they would still be part of the family? Is there a rule I missed that says children can only be either biological or adopted? What would you do if these children were your biological children? Would you or wouldn't you have them be part of the excitement of adding a New Member to the family?

If they were your biological children and you were planning to adopt would they be part of the journey with you--or would you leave them at home because they didn't need to be part of that process? If they were the bios and you were planning to adopt would you share about the process, talk about the unknowns, and keep them involved in the details about how a New Member was going to join the family?

It might be a good idea to seek out some family therapy in order to help you sort out your own feelings about what is happening and help all of the members of the family understand their own feelings. There are a lot of important people involved and with the right attitudes and direct input from someone Not living it--and outside of it could help reduce the possibility of the small things being huge.

Families are not just about the blood they are about a group of people who are within the same household...and all the people related to the people in that household. Some are made of step parents, some with single parents, some have lots of children and some have one child.. The family living in one household will Not stay the same for anyone's lifetime..

They should be a part of this as much as any other child is a part of a new baby joining the family. It's your responsiblity to make the choices about how the children are included--and your responsibility to be sure you pay attention to the emotional needs of the children.

The decision should only be about that... not about the status they are in the family...

doddswolf

I may be wrong but I don't think it should matter what their "first" parents think. You are their parent by choice and the child you are having now is their sibling end of story. If you and your husband and children decide to be together during the birth then great. I would also put less stress on them being adopted because it shouldn't matter.

mamabear

Yes they should be there. The baby will be their "real" sibling. You should include them every step of the way: doctor appointments, fixing the baby's room, shopping, picking a name, etc. Check with your doctor or hospital to see if they offer a class for older siblings. Those are a lot of fun. Don't forget the "I am the BIG BROTHER" and "I am the BIG SISTER" and "I am the LITTLE BROTHER/SISTER" shirts for everyone!!

Good luck and congratulations to your whole family!!

Carl C

My family had nearly the same scenerio. Both my older brothers were adopted and then my mom got pregnant with me. My brothers weren't as old as your two older children, but they were at the birth. My brothers haven't ever resented me for it, and I've always felt like we were equally as family as biological siblings. My parents never made it weird so it never was. If you make it seem natural, it will be. Good luck and congrats.

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