A question for adoptees?

As a firstmother I read quite a few adoptee blogs to help me understand the emotions of adoptees. My daughter for instance is happy that I placed her for adoption. She thanked me for it in fact. She had a wonderful life, wonderful parents, uber happy, etc.... One could argue she is in denial but it is her feeling and I love her with all my heart and respect her right to feel that way so I will not question it.
Would I rather she be miserable and mad at me for losing her to adoption? Absolutely not! Has this happiness and dedication to her adoptive family kept us from forming a relationship? Certainly. We have only spoken via e-mail over the past year and she has no desire to talk on the phone or meet face to face. Now to my question...

I have never told her about the coercion involved in her placement. I do not want her to feel badly about why she is who she is. It is my pain, not hers. I also worry that she may never know that I did really want her, that I just loved her so much that after hearing how lacking I was for so long, I believed it.

So, as an adoptee? would you want to know? or should I as I have, keep it with me? Would it do more harm than good?
Additional Details
A couple of notes: My daughter is 23, she found me on Reunion.com at 22. I had been searching for years.

I truly appreciate hearing the understanding of the "pain" I feel when she thanks me. Yes, somehow, perhaps due to the coercion, all I can hear is "I was so much better off without you". No matter how successful I have become, hearing those words turned me right back into that scared girl with no self confidence and alsolutely zero self esteem.

BTW: My coercion was all on the part of the agency. I am sure her adoptive parents had no knowledge. They are by all accounts wonderful, loving parents. For that I am so grateful.

Robin

Oh the tender lies we tell ourselves & those we love. I don't question that your daughter is happy or happy that you placed her or had a wonderful life. Certainly, I hope it brings you comfort to know that she ended up in a good home with loving parents.

You don't say how young she is. She may not be ready to hear the whole story of her adoption yet. You may need to wait for the right moment to bring up the topic, find a way to share the information, or let her know when she asks.

As an adoptee I most certainly DID want to know & was GRATEFUL to learn that my 1st mom did not willingly give me up. That she loved me. That while pregnant, she hoped for a girl. That she was waiting for me to find her (but didn't feel she had a right to look for me). I grew up feeling "unwanted" - a hangover of adoption for some adoptees. Learning she wanted me still hasn't completely healed that wound.

I didn't want my 1st mom to know that my a.parents where physically & verbally abusive, functional alcoholics. That my a.mom reluctantly agreed to my adoption. I didn't want her to feel (more) guilt. She didn't choose adoption - DSS took me from her b/c she was a poor, working mom (b4 public aid).

She passed away almost 11 years ago. There are things I didn't say that I wish I had. Walls I didn't let down. I wish we'd had more time. I wish I'd opened up more. I wish I would have called her "mom" instead of caving to idiots who say "she's not your mom" b/c she was my mom TOO.

Sending you {{{HUGS}}}

DevonChaos

I would want to know. I want truths. There are enough lies in my own adoption that I would be upset to hear another. There are things that are tough to hear, but if you hear them from someone you love, you can at least understand that the honesty is there not to hurt, but to explain. Even if she is happy, she would probably love to hear that you did want to keep her. I know as an adoptee I would love to hear that.

Mei-Ling

"My daughter for instance is happy that I placed her for adoption. She thanked me for it in fact. She had a wonderful life, wonderful parents, uber happy, etc.... One could argue she is in denial but it is her feeling and I love her with all my heart and respect her right to feel that way so I will not question it."

I can certainly relate to this.

Just a year and a half ago I was telling my mother how thankful I was that she had given me up.

Could that have also been seen as a slap in the face - like saying "Thank god YOU didn't raise me!" That's what I wonder about things like that.

I think it is completely understandable that some adoptees just don't care. They say "Well if my mother feels loss over giving me up that's fine for her, but I don't feel anything. It is her loss, not mine."

I'm torn about this one, I really am.

It is possible to be told you have a great life, that you're lucky, that you're chosen, that God only knows what would have happened to you... that you learn not to question it. And once you hear something enough times, you believe it yourself - you do it to emotionally survive. If you hear something enough times... you absorb that mentality yourself, whether or not you think it is true.

I'd say tell her. She may not even care at this point given what she DOES have and how she perceives it, but she should know, just because honesty is best. At least she WILL know.

Elizabeth

The truth is always the best answer. Adoption is filled with secrets and lies, don't add to this.

cantstopLinnyG

Ugggghhhh. If I could only go back in time. When I first found my n mom, I was a very young 21. I, too, said all those happy dappy things, not having ANY idea of how it made her feel. I also had no idea of how I truly felt.

I can honestly say I have only been in touch with my true feelings regarding my adoption for a few years, and I am in my 40's.

I will also say that my feelings regarding my relinquishment, and subsequent adoption are 2 entirely different things. While I am miserable I was relinquished, I had good adoptive parents, and I love them. But one could have not happened without the other...if that makes any sense at all.

It took me years to come to grips with my pain, and years to be able to say to myself "I hate adoption". I had lived with all the great stories, "You were chosen", "You have a better life", blah blah blah. I never knew my story. I knew nothing of my first family, and yes, I am angry about that. BUT- it was not my parents fault, it was the system's fault.

Now that I know my entire story, it makes everything come together.

Yes, she says she is happy. I was happy, too. I still am. But that does not take away the pain involved with adoption.

It could be she is just not ready to deal with those things. I dont know- one can NEVER speak for someone else.

I would want to know the truth. I do know the truth now. It was hard, but I needed to know, and feel my n Mom had the right to tell me...it is OUR story.

Britishbabe

As an adoptee I can see what your daughter means. She's happy that she was adopted because she knew that you cared enough to know she would be happier. But you must have had a reason for giving her up for adoption. And I think if some way she knows that you wanted to keep her. I know that my birth mom and dad (though not together) wanted me in fact they tried too. It was DSS that stopped them.

mom to be

I think you should answer her questions as she asks them. If you give her more that she is looking for she may not be ready to deal with it. Many people who were adopted are happy and well adjusted people. I think it would be ok to let her know that you have always loved her and wanted the best for her. Move along at the pace she sets.

biged

why would want to give some one information that could turn there life on end, I was adopted at birth and I have a half brother out there some place but if he has no knowledge of my existence and is happy with his memories of his life and mother who am I to possably destroy that.
Keep your information to yourself and protect your child from mental anguish.

Kate

I do not think she is in denial, she is happy and you should be grateful that she was not angry at you for letting her go.

However, if it were me I would want to know the truth, still to this day I would do anything to have my biological parents tell me the truth, yet all they do is blame me.

I think as she does not ask, it is best if you keep it to yourself.

bananarama

Well only you know her and only you know a little of how her mind works. If I were to find out that my ap's coericed my bio mom to get what they wanted, I would feel very confused, very very confused. I might be angry with my ap's and also angry with you trying to figure out if it is the truth. What reasons you would have to bring something like that up out of nowhere. If she asked why you gave her up then thats one thing tell her the truth. if she dose not ask then either she does not want to know or just dont care. I would not know how i would feel about hearing that i could only imagine I would go through many emotions trying to figure it out.

Kristen C

maybe its not her emailing u its her foster parents!

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