A question for amothers and adoptees?

Robin

I ABSOLUTELY disagree with Jeff!! As would most adoptees who've found out they are adopted later in life. And they almost always DO find out. If ANY member of the family knows your child is adopted, they will find out. I don't know what other issues Jeff had in his life, but honestly, he is the first adoptee I have ever heard suggest you not tell your child!

That said, I grew up knowing I was adopted. Honestly, it seemed as normal to me as being born into a family. I never thought about my birth mom on my birthdays (tho I've read that some adoptees do). Kids take their cues from their parents. If your comfortable with adoption, he/she will be too.

My a.mom had 3 bio. kids. My sister was her favorite among all of us. I hated being compared to her and feeling that I wasn't as good as her or as loved. (I adore my sister, tho. Nothing my a.mom did could change the love I have for my sister!)

Favoritism can occur in any family. And it's hurtful to kids. No child likes being compared to a sibling, regardless of whether they're born or adopted into the family. Sometimes a parent feels more connected to one child b/c of that child's personality or temperament. FEELING that way may be normal...but as a parent, you don't have to ACT on your feelings or let your child(ren) ever feel they are less loved, valued, or accepted.

Because of my experience, I made a decision before I had children to love them for who they are, to find something in each of them that I connected with & appreciated. Each child is special in their own right! When we love and value our children for the people THEY are and who they are becoming, it's a wonderful journey.

Some people (sadly) aren't able to open their hearts to those who aren't 'blood related'. I don't know why... And some people can.

It seems that you already have an open heart. Best wishes...

Heather B

I claim my place in my adoptive family and I was treated no differently than my parents bio kids growing up. They love us the same. It's me that 'feels' different, because, of course, I am!

Wilma Duckie Deene

I have both (we call our family an adoptioncy family) and I have a strong attachment to both girls. I love them each for who they are, but the mode that they came into the family has zero effect on my love for the other, or if I prefer one over the other.

I also am an adult adoptee with siblings that are not. I am closer to our parents than the siblings with the biological tie.

Biology does not equal attachment. At least not in my family.

Jennifer L

I have one biological child (oldest) and two children from adoption (biological siblings, adopted at ages 5 and 10). I love and feel the same attachment to all of my children. It was quite an adjustment going from having one child to three and there were some little bumps along the way, but we are all doing fine. I think it's great that you're thinking of adopting down the road. My life has been enriched by it.

I am adopted and my mother (even though I was her first and spoiled me very much) loves all of us equally. I am the only adopted out of 5 and the oldest. It was a very easy concept for me to grasp. She treated me like I was special just like she is doing now with my 4 other siblings. I feel no different attachment to her. One of my favorite sayings that my mother used to say to me all the time was. Not flesh of my flesh, not bone of my bone, but miracously my own. You may not have grown under my heart but you grew within it.

rachael

im an adoptee. i had a great family and they loved me, but..... they thought i was insane.LOL!

we were just cut from different moulds. they were quiet, calm and country. i was loud, wild and rock and roll. they simply didnt get my personality. no ones fault, just the way it was. they did the best they could. i was a very bad child.

they were closer to my sister, still am. she is their biological daughter. it wasnt a favorites thing, she was just like them, i was the polar opposite. she made sense to them.

they didnt love either of us more or less than the other. they understand now i am just a different person than they are. i turned out ok, no horrid emotional scaring

the best advice i can give you is if the child you bring into your family has different interests or styles allow them and support that. i dont care what anyone says, personality traits are genetics. i am a carbon copy of my bmother. we share a brain.
if you can show support everything will be fine

EDIT
oh jeff, what are you talking about? i know it seems bad but being honest is importent. i dont know if you have children of your own yet, but let me tell you first hand, when you have a health issue with your child that may come down to genetics, you need to know. even if you dont feel it is approiate for you as the adoptee to know, one day it may be necessary.
i dont know what has happened to you, but someone has done you wrong. it isnt always like that. i swear. all i can say is i wish you peace with yourself, thats all that really matters.

Adopted Jane

Well my A mother couldnt have loved me anymore than if she gave birth to me!!
IT depends on the Aparent and the REASON they adopt.
If you are doing it 100% for love of the child and not to fill YOUR needs then you will be fine

Kym M

A natural child or adopted child is your own if you have raised them. No discrimination should ever befall you about it. Good luck. :)

Sarah

Although I'm sure that T S means well, that's just SO not what's going on when it's an adoptee. Just SO not. She's talking about a child who is still her husband's biological child. That would raise the question of loving your stepkids the same as your adopted kids- it's just a different situation.

I understand your concern, Athens, and I hope you get some great answers. Perhaps some counseling with someone comfortable with adoption issues before you really get into looking at adoption would help sort this out, and at least help you learn for yourself where you're really coming from.

cicisbo

I was adopted many years ago by a family that has given me so many opportunities and love that I would never have gotten otherwise. What you are thinking of doing is a wonderful and noble gift. And while concerns of favoritism is a good question, the fact of the matter is, if you're truly a good parent, you'll love a child no matter who they came from or where the came from. The only thing you need to worry about, is sibling rivalry..

HappyMomAnna

...I have written about this in several places....

Before I met them I wan't sure... I didn't know what I would feel or how I would feel. I had some idea of what to expect but no real first contact.

When you know you are about to become a mother--when you are about to lay eyes on your child--the child you will take responsibility of raising to become his or her own self it is an amazing anxiety and rush of feelings...

The moment, just before seeing your child for the first time is a complete blank--and a million questions of wondering...and then it happens...

as a biological mother it was hearing the first cry after the c-section delivery

as an adoptive mother it was watching her walk to the table at the Denny's and looking into my eyes and asking, "Are you my new mommy?"

Both moments in time were equal--both filled with the same kinds of questions and wonder--and both the moment I fell in love with my child...

My love for all four of my children is unconditional...my relationships with each child is as unique as each one of them are. I do not feel any difference in my feelings and attachment to my children.

House923

I'm adopted and honestly...I've felt more part of the family then some of the actual family. It all depends on the mother...some need the additional comfort of a relation of blood...but most can do it. It also depends on how old the child is when you get them. If they're still a baby...it feels like it's pretty much your own kid...without the pain lol.

Crystal D

I'm not sure if i qualify to answer this, but I'm going to give it my best.
I've adopted my 9 year old sister. Well - we're in the process of it. I have custodial guardianship over her. Now we're just finalizing stuff. Anyway, I'm also pregnant. I could NEVER imagine one any less than the other, or any differently.
I've raised my sister since she was a baby. She's my daughter, not my sister. I would give my life for her in a heartbeat! I could never even fathom loving the two any differently. Believe me, you will love your adopted baby the same way as a biological baby.

melmom

I have one birth son, three adopted sons, and two adopted daughters...and I love them all unconditionally. They are my children, in every way.
I was concerned before the first adoption myself, but soon realized that if you are adopting for the right reason, the kids, the love will be there for the kids, no matter what belly they grew in. It is my heart that they all grow in!

â¤Maty-Catherineâ¤

I plan to adopt when i get older also and i think i will feel the same love connection.

Jeff G

You want the best answer? Here it is. I am an adopted child so I know exactly what everything feels like. Your best option is not to tell the child they are adopted. I don't care what everyone says no matter what, no matter how loving and nice you are the child is always going to wonder and think and be sad about thier birthmother, especially on thier birthday once they know they are adopted. It is best to not let them know about that. Especially if it is a girl, girls take adoption the worst. they get severe abandonment issues and have many many trust issues, even if they don't admit to it. Thats the best way to deal with adopted kids. Don't let them know they are adopted. Once you do, every fight or arguement all boils down to them saying well your not even my real mom.

Enter Your Message or Comment

User Name:
User Email:
Post a comment: