A question for birth mothers about continued contact with your child?

I adopted my 21 month old stepdaughter in May. My husband and I got custody of her when she was 8 months old because her birth mother left her unattended for 3 hours while she went to party with some friends.

After we got custody, we let her birth mother visit her. She had supervised visitation only (we were the ones to supervise). We even let her come and spend the weekend several times. Her birth mother called several times a week to ask how she was or to chat. We considered ourselves to be an extended family.

As soon as the adoption was final, her birth mother stopped calling. I called her to see if she was ok and she told me she had a new boyfriend. I asked if she still wanted to see Allison and she and her boyfriend came and spent a weekend.

After that we didn't hear from her again, so I called and her cell phone had been turned off. So I dropped by her boyfriend's aunt's house (where they were staying) to be told they had moved to another state.

When my daughter started having medical issues and we needed her mother's medical history, we called her mother (my daughter's grandmother). She tried several way to find the birth mother including having the police go to her address and let her know that we needed her to get in contact for medical reasons. The officer said he delivered the messege to her but she never contacted her mother or us.

So my question to those who have relinquished a child, is what if anything would make you change your mind about being able to keep in contact with your child?

We had all agreed that her being in Allison's life was the best thing for Allison, but now that there is a new man in her life, she seems to want to forget Allison. I can't understand that.

LindseyTaylor

i applaud you for making such an effort or keep your daughters birthmother in her life. it is really so much healthier (mentally) to have her their to ask questions when she is old enough..

i dont think there is anything that would make me change my mind, there may be some things, just a general overwelming of feelings, that would make me take a step back but nothing could keep me from wanting to know about her, wanting to see her....i was very lucky, my "new" (came into the picture after my daughters adoption but we have been together for a while) boyfriend has been very supportive, he even goes with me to visit her and asks about her! give her time and keep her in your prayers, my heart goes out to you...

NOTE: i do have to agree thou (and it pains me as a birth mother to say this) that it is not acceptable to come and go as she pleases, if she really wants to see Allison then she needs to at least take some responsibility and prove that she really wants to. you dont want this to have a harmful effect on your daughter...

ms007

i cant believe the birth mother could just stop seeing her daughter for a man...i was happy to hear that you all were an extended family...i dont think i could do that personally but you are very strong....allison deserves better than what her birth mom has to offer...she cant just come and go as she pleases allison needs stablility in her life and her first couple of years of confusing enough for her...her birth mom has no right to hurt her over and over again....thanks for being one of the good people in the world :)

littleJaina

I know what you mean. My son's sister's mother (used to be my step-daughter, I was trying to adopt her, then my husband went nuts) was the same way. She didn't even bother to see Marie when Marie was diagnosed with cancer or in the hospital having surgery! We offered to either pay for her hotel or flight to come see us and she never responded!

Remember that Allison has you now. You can't do anything about the other situation, so just stop trying. The harder you try, the more frustrated you will get. Just concentrate on Allison and things will get better.

puresugar078

some mother just don't have that instinct to be a loving caring mother. This is her loss, days that she will never get back. All you can do is be their for the child weather it be "MOM" or someone to look up to and follow as she grows into a young woman. I speak from experience i myself have adopted a step child who only wants the child around when its convent for her

Lori A

There could be as many answers to this question as ther are first mothers. I would think htat either she doesn't want baggage which is really harsh to say or she can't deal with the pain. Either way it doesn't help you out at all.

Sherry S

I hate to sound mean but she DID lose custody after leaving her 8 month old unattended to party. Maybe she is just young and stupid, maybe there are other things going on with her, but I'd put a lot of thought into letting her back into Allison's life if she ever makes the effort.

I can't think of anything off the top of my head that would make me want to not be in contact with my child

naughty girl

When I gave my twin girls up for adoption I was 17 about to graduate and had a full ride scholarship. I did not want any content with them at all. I was adopted by my aunt (birth mother's sister) and my birth mom popped in and out of my life for years. I had extreme abandonment issues. I would never want my girls to feel as though I didn't love or want them. This year I met them for the first time. I felt very uncomfortable. Like they weren't even my kids. I chose not to see them for those two reasons. They always have a place in my heart. Also some people are selfish. She needs to mature and stop being so selfish. Hope all is well with you daughter. Good Luck!

39 Weeks Pregnant!

Nothing at all would make me change my mind about wanting contact with my child. Most of us birthmothers love our children so very much, and people think so negatively of us because of stories like yours. Not all Birthmothers act this way, it seems maybe she just wasn't ready to grow up enough. I love my daughter so so much, and the thought of never having contact with her again makes me sick.

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