A question from an adoptee to the birthmothers?

MamaKate

Dear Columbia,

Birthdays are the hardest. They make me horribly sad as well, and are usually the worst of my bouts of depression every year. Some years I have trouble even getting out of bed. My son's birthday is on the eighteenth and I start really thinking about it on September first when I flip the calender. (I have moments throughout the year where I think, "6 months" or "124 days or whatever, but a birthday becomes a daily thought on the first.) It usally takes me a week or so to fully "recover" from the constant thoughts.

I light a white candle each birthday and let it burn all the way down. I make a wish that someday we might be able to celebrate together and I will have a chance to say "Happy Birthday" in person instead of in my head or on paper. Most years I write a letter to put in the box of things I am saving in case I ever have the opportunity to pass them on. I admit was a year or two where I could not manage to write down my thoughts, the pain of seeing them in black and white was too much.

I am sorry that you are feeling pain and worry on what should be a joyous celebration of the beginning of your life's journey and your accomplishments along the way. I am quite sure that your mother would be proud of the caring and compassionate person you are but she would not want you to be sad or worry about her on your day. All mothers want happiness for their children. She may very well have her own rituals and rememberances for your birthday to comfort her for now. Many of us first parents do.

I wanted to tell you too, to have hope. I find my hope in questions like yours. I sincerely hope that you can find some in answers like mine.

Happy Birthday, I hope (if you wish it to be) that someday you have the opportunity to hear it said from your first mother's lips and with joy in both of your hearts and the hearts of your entire family!

dontknow86

Oh, Good Q. I think of my daughter everyday ! On her birthday, Oh yes, I watch the clock I know the exact time she came into this world. I cry sometimes, I think of her on the day I left the hospital and she stayed behind, I think of her when I had to sign the papers. and I think of how much I hate my mom for making me do this 21 yrs later.

almost human

this question breaks my heart

>you don't want your mom to feel the sadness you feel<

i don't celebrate my birthday either.
it always makes me sad.
it's nice to know i'm not the only one.

thank you for this question.

Justice

The anniversary of my daughter's birth used to bring up conflicting emotions for me. I wanted what was best for her above all things, so I prayed for her health, wealth and happiness. I did that frequently, not just her birthday. But her birthday also reminded me of the hurt and abandonment I felt in our separation. I wanted her to be happy and to enjoy her life and her birthday. I was shocked & sorry to learn it was a sad time for her as well.

We are reunited now and celebrate her birthday by getting to know each other better.

mia's mum

hi there
i think of my daughter every single day, however her birthday is extremely hard, i seem to get depressed when its coming up and i try to get on with my life the best i can, but around that time its especially difficult. its even harder now as i just had another baby girl (who i kept) and her birthday is the day after her sister that i adopted out. (they are three years apart). so i guess from now on i will have to try and be happy for her birthdays. i also hope that everyday of my daughters life, (the one i adopted out) is happy and filled with joy, especially on her birthday. so even though its a very sad day for you, I'm sure your birth mother is out there thinking about you and hoping you have a wonderful day. i know that's what i think every year.
happy birthday for tomorrow, and i hope you have a really great day,

Felicita1

To me, my son's birthday always felt like a funeral. That's the truth. The day he was born and stolen from me via coercion (the hospital punished and harvested unwed mothers by tying them down prone to delivery tables, drugging them into unconsciousness, and taking their babies away right at birth, then forcing the mother to sign surrender papers against her will, telling her that her baby would suffer all sorts of horrible things unless she did), that was the day I died inside. Twenty eight years and a reunion later, his birthday is still the most traumatic day of the year for me and for the first few yrs of our reunion was marked by indescribable flashbacks of the horrible event that i can only call "disembabyment."

Please find your natural mother. Reunion can help heal the pain for both of you. I know that for me, 8 years into reunion, the pain has begun to subside somewhat. I know she thinks about you every single day and wishes that you were in her life again.

Xx I lurrvee Bex xX

Of course she would remember the time when you where born. That's something a mother couldn't forget! Who ever your biological mother is , I'm sure she would say this to you: i am .....
an eraser so your mistakes disappear,
a coin so you can never say" I'm broke",
a marble in case someone says "you've lost yours",
a rubber band to stretch yourself beyond limits,
a piece of string to tie things together when things fall apart
and a x to remind you someone does care

That's probably what she would say. Don't think for one minute she will forget you. Probably every single minute of her life she thinks about you.

I hope this makes you feel better xx

snowwillow20

Before reunion, about 2 weeks before her birthday I would think, oh God, in 2 weeks it will be her birthday, how will I handle it this year, will I cry all day or will I be calm. Usually it was cry all day, I'd have to call in sick to work. I never forgot a birthday, ever. Since I found her,I don't cry all day, but I do think about all the birthdays I missed. I call her on her birthday and say Happy Birthday Baby, I love you. She's 36 now.

Jordan C

Hi Columbia,
I wish I could give you a nice story or explanation like all of these other people. For note, I am not birth mother. I am an adopted child. Every year on my birthday I think of my biological Mom. I think of how it would feel if she actually cared. On my birthday I don't get a call, a card, or an acknowledgment. Sometimes it hurts to know that she really doesn't care. My Biological mother knows where I am, where I live, my email address, and my cell phone number. Still, every year I hear no voice mail waiting on my phone, and no card in the mail. The thing that really does hurt is that she kept my sister and every year on her birthday she plans a nice birthday party and gets her many things she wants. I don't care about the material things, all I would need is just a call so that I know she remembered. I hope with all my heart that your Mom thinks of you on your birthday. She probably does. Just remember it is not the biological parents that are your parents. The real parents are the ones that raised you. They are the ones that are your providers and the ones that love you unconditionally. Have a wonderful birthday. You deserve it. :)

Sincerely ~ Jordan C.

sizesmith

I'd bet that your 1st mom placed you for adoption because she loved you. All moms love their babies, even though some make horrible mistakes and lose their kids. I'd bet that she would want you to celebrate your life, and that she hopes it is happy for you. She loves you enough that she doesn't want you to be sad. Maybe one day, you will meet her, and I bet the 2 of you celebrate then! Good luck on a happy reunion, and celebrate your life for your mom. She'd want you to be happy!

Enter Your Message or Comment

User Name:
User Email:
Post a comment: