ADOPTEES-How do you feel about having a relationship with your birthmother?

Robin

I was separated from my MOTHER for 20 years. I can call her "first mother" or "birth mother". But factually, she raised me for the first year & 1/2. I was taken from her & placed in foster care because she was alone (abandoned by her husband), made little money as a waitress and owed my babysitter for my day care & medical care. (Per court records).

I was adopted by my foster parents when DSS told my mom she wouldn't get me back. This happened in the "baby scoop era" - early 1960's before welfare. She had no options.

When I met her I found out she was WAITING for me to find her. She didn't feel she had a right to intrude in my life, but hoped I'd find her. Everyone in the family was waiting for me to find them. I learned that she was hoping for a daughter while pregnant with me. I found out who I was named after.

And I was screwed up by a society that told me "she's NOT your mother!" Or, "she not your REAL mother." Or, "what kind of mother could she be? She gave you up!" They didn't know what they were talking about. And they still don't.

I was screwed up by a society that repeatedly crams the term "unwanted" down all adoptees throats - as if they know personally the story of every first mother.

I'm still screwed up by that $#!%. How can anyone grow up believing they were not wanted by their own mother and NOT be a little screwed up? Even finding out she DID want me couldn't erase the scar left by 20 years of hearing about "unwanted children" - adoptees.

She passed away 10 years ago. I wish I'd called her "Mom" instead of referring to her by her first name because it was the "PC" thing to do. I wish I hadn't felt so stunted by a 20 year separation. I wish I'd spent more time with her. I wish I'd HAD more time with her.

Most of all, I miss her ... AGAIN. But at least I know what she looks like. What she sounds like. That she wanted me, loved me, missed me.

I miss her. I hope she knows that - feels that. And I love her. And I hate that I was expected to DENY that.

Hope this helps...
Thanks for asking

Joy M

better than what?

Having your eyes poked out?

I have a relationship with my mother. I am grateful for it, but I think open adoption, is sold as a false panacea for a really messed up situation.

Lillie

First of all, she is not my "birth" mother, she is simply my mother, and I have enjoyed every moment that I have had her in my life.

bailie28

mine was closed...i wish i had met my birth mother as an adult..i only have memories she died when i was four...i do know my birth sister and two of my birth brothers..and i like knowing who they are..i was raised with one of my brothers..the other brother went thru a lot of things that i did with thoughts and feelings..and it was weird to know someone in the same situation did think like i did and it was totally normal to worry about our adoption and things like that..my adopted parents are still alive...or so i think i havent heard from my brother any differently...i have no relationship with either of them and dont really like them as people and dont really care to know them...they do not know my children..i seriously doubt my adopted father would know me or them if we passed on the street as there has been no contact in the last ten years...my adopted mother last march didnt know me or my kids...when we went to my brothers wedding..my brother claims them as his parents and its a touchy subject with me...but when we talk its not about them..its about us...i dont understand his decision to be in their lives and he does understand my position..but too some when you are treated horrible you know nothing else...why would you think there was something better out there...which is kinda sad to me...but thats my thoughts on my adoption i realize some people had great ones..more power to them...but there should be something in place for the ones who dont..i could have told you at seven my adopted parents hated me actually i did tell people..noone listened...

maria j

Well with me, I still respect my birth mother like a elder, like and adult, but I really don't have a real relationship with her because she did not raise me. Maybe its just me but it feels weird to be around her sometimes or even try to talk to her about anything

Courtney

I was adopted when I was two months old to the most loving, wonderful parents I could have imagined.

I found my biological Mother back in 1999 (I am 29 now). It took us a while to become close...but it did happen. We went through ups and downs, and why's and because's, tears, laughs, hugs. Its certainly been a very emotional experience.

In 2006, my Mother passed away--my Mother, as in the wonderful woman who raised me. It has been heartbreaking for me to be without her. But, I feel God gave me the chance to meet and get to know Carolyn (bio-Mom) in the timing He did, so I could have a relationship w/her as well. She and I dont have a 'mother-daughter' relationship, more of a friend/aunt type. She's great, and I'm so, so, so thankful that everything worked out the way that it has. She's brought me a lot of joy in my life, and I have to her as well. And now, she gets to share in my kids lives too.

As far as open adoption goes...I'm not sure about that. Yes, it would be easier when you're searching, but the relationship will form differently from the beginning. That is a touchy one. Good luck in your research.

somebodyznobody

My situation is a little different as I was 6 when adopted. The adoption was meant to be 'open', but as soon as the paper work was all done, my adoptive mother refused to let my mother see me anymore or have any contact. She threw all my letters away (birth mother had written every week)

She told lies about my birth mother and tried to make me hate her. aM also gloated about tricking my mother. (goodstart to a relationship, hey?)
I met my birth mother when I was 19, it's good to be in contact with her, even though she is not good 'mother' material...she has mental issues....but I love her and accept her for who she is. We phone and send cards.

So I ended up in a closed adoption a VERY abusive one. If it had been open, maybe the abuse would of been less or I could of asked for help.

My situation is not the norm. I believe most adoptive parents are not abusive. ... after all it happens in some blood families too.

Adam D

Mine was closed and it made things very hard to find medical info when I needed it. I tried everything and the free way got me to my BM. I found her in 1995 and to this day we are like mother and son and have been from the day we 1st met. She is what I always dreamed she'd be. Soon after, I found my father and after a DNA test we were reunited. It has been the best experience of my life and I wish all adoptees could meet their birth parents. It's like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders. I got the answers I was looking for and the truth, not the lie I was told by my adopted parents. I don't have a relationship with my adoptive parents anymore and haven't in over 15 years, only cause of the abuse and hate from them. I choose not to subject my children to them and their abuse.

Annie A

My relationship with my bmom is great, similar to a close aunt or family friend. She is certainly part of our family now, but not as a mother figure.

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