ADOPTEES: what is your opinion about references to birth Mother?

Gaia Raain II

Well, the word "birthmother" itself is offensive. She's a human being, not a breeder.

And as for the statements that are made, it depends on whether or not she KNOWS the child's mother. If she knows for certain that her child's mother listens to that particular kind of music, makes that particular kind of food, then it's a nice way to keep the child connected to her roots. If she's assuming, then those statements are NOT helpful. "Your [mother] makes tacos" is just applying a stereotype if it's an assumption. If she doesn't KNOW what the child's mother listens to, wears, or cooks, she could say, "I wonder if your mother listens to this type of music. What do you think?"

Also, if these statements are made as statements, instead of invitations to have open discussions, then it's not helpful. The child needs to have the opportunity to say, "I don't want to talk about this", or "here's what I think/feel about it". These statements should be made for the child's benefit, not the adoptive mother's.

Lillie

I don't know. What is your friend's intent? Is she trying to help her daughter understand the culture that she came from? To help her understand the essence of who her first mother is/was? To give her some sort of connection?

If it's done in that way, then no, I wouldn't mind it at all. But if it's done to be derogatory, then heck yeah, I'd mind. It would piss me right off.

Carnie C

snowballs in H ell, i wholeheartedly agree with Lillie. Perhaps she's just trying to instill some cultural knowledge into him (which, afterall, is supported 100% on this board).

Personally though, i would not have wanted to have heard about my birthmother EVERY week. My parents didn't bring it up much after the initial discussion but were available if i had questions re: heritage, etc which happened very rarely. My mom and dad were it and i didn't need to hear about some stranger all the time.

Linny G

Not knowing your friend, it is hard for me to gauge the situation. It seems like her heart is in the right place, but it also seems sort of forced, and a bit racist. Tacos? Really? My a bro is of Mexican decent, and certain family members would say stuff like that, too. Unfortunately, they also said other stereotypical cr@p like, "Oh, isn't he like 'his people' " if he cut the grass.

I think it's great to acknowledge a child's heritage, but sometimes it's best to do it in a more subtle way.

Independ"ant"

Jesus....Thanks for pointing out the problem with trying to teach a child about their native culture when you know little about it. Does she take her to taco bell as well and say this what the food is like in Mexico.

Why doesn't she just plan extended vacations to Mexico and allow her to see where she's from. Maybe she can slip in a side trip to see her mother.

Nurse Autumn Intactivist NFP

To be honest, it is probably just a lame attempt to instill a sense of culture in her. I can not say that is the best way to do it, but at least she is trying, unlike some AP's (chill out guys, *some* not all)

kateiskate

Not to be offensive at all to your friend, but from what you have said here, it sounds to me as if she using all of the most cliche things about Mexicans to describe her daughter's first mom. That would annoy me a little if I was the daughter and frankly annoys me a little bit just thinking someone would do that. Maybe your friend doesn't really know much about mexican culture and is really trying to help her daughter learn about her culture by these sort of ignorant remarks. It would really not be helpful at all for her to teach her daughter that it is okay to talk about other races like that and to me it would only teach her that it is okay for other people to talk about HER that way.

Indian-vision

Debra- My toddler is of Hispanic origin (and i am not). I do think of our child's birth mother a lot in an affectionate "i wonder what she would like"way. I also feel i would like my daughter to understand, respect and be curious about her culture of origin.
So to me this mother sounds like some one who is trying hard to be a good adoptive mother to her child . (Unless the attempt is to be derogatory.......i don't know her ofcourse). Your friend could educate her self more about Mexican people by making a few Hispanic friends rather than a forced attempt.

As to the frequency............i myself would like to hear from adoptess if the frequency is not over done to alienate the child.

lish

it sounds a bit weird, maybe she is trying to (badly) teach the child about his heritage and culture of where he is from, but she shouldnt be making constant reference like that, maybe she is being patronising to his mother and his race, maybe not, and it is healthy to have a relationship with AP that u can actually talk about ur birth mother but she is going way overboard.

wintergrace09

I am adopted - And none of my other adopted brothers or sister would have put up with it either. Unfortunately, it sounds like that mother never should have been allowed to adopt at all in the first place.

When you adopt, you take that child on as your own - you don't adopt thinking they are inferior - no matter what the birth parent situation was.

Enter Your Message or Comment

User Name:
User Email:
Post a comment: