ADOPTION-fear of not liking the child presented to you?

Independ"ant"

You're not alone.....adopted children are placed into foster care for that reason. Aps claim Rads or some other issue with bonding.

Its sick, pathetic and a delusional thought of entitlement.

Have your own baby if you're even having those thoughts. Let me guess you're another infertile and can't.

IDK!!

No fear here. You should se what my son looked like, you could see his organs through his skin. He was dark and fuzzy and alien looking. It was obvious that he had problems, but he was the sweetest thing i had ever seen.

As far as the kid not being mine....well..... he's not. He is his own person and we are sharing out lives.

snowwillow20

Only beautiful people give up their kids.

Ususally people we don't like have lived a few years to get that personality you might find offensive.

Any child you get will be beautiful in your eyes. I've been looking at baby pictures of my granddaughter, she's 2 1/2 now, we took tons of pics when she was born and we thought she was the most beautiful baby in the world, but then I found that newborn hospital pic and oh my, she looked pretty funny. She's a beauty now, people stop and tell me how beautiful she is. Beauty comes from love.
Don't worry about it.

sunny

I don't think you should feel guilty AT ALL asking this question.

Better to EXAMINE your feelings before you adopt, instead of figuring it out after you've altered another humans life in a major way.

Not everyone is meant to adopt--I'm not. I have NO interest in raising other people's children.

The kids will never really be YOURS, their personality, tastes, and interests will be heavily influenced by their parents, and their parents, etc.

I think you ought to have your own children.

Gaia Raain

Oh yeah, I worry about that all the time. What if it's ugly? What if it has...you know...problems? What if it doesn't match my new Prada bag? Or my stylin' new convertible? What if it poops and I get dirty? I decided I'd be better off getting a Cabbage Patch doll. It never talks back or looks icky. Plus, I got to pick out just the one I wanted, and it looks just like MEEEE!

tish

i agree, you should feel guilty asking this question. primarily because it reveals that you (or anyone who feels this way) are not ready to be a parent.

yet another reason why adoption is NOT the new pregnant.

ETA: i'd really advise you not to adopt. after reading your qualifying question about wanting to "save" abandoned children, juxtaposed with "what if the chilld is unattractive" is just NOT COOL.

Not Adopted

"What if you just feel the kid you're presented with is somehow not "yours"?"

Newsflash - the kid is NOT yours. That baby was created and nurtured in the womb by someone else. Be prepared to have a child that is nothing like you.

Looks, talents, interests - they will all be unique to the child based on who created him, and will most likely be NOTHING like you. This causes a lot of problems in adoptive families, especially the ones who think "nurture" and "love" is all that matters.

Freckle Face

No. Looks have never been important to me, the person inside is where i find beauty.

I was more worried that the child would not like me, it never crossed my mind to think of me not liking the child. There is beauty in all children.

What if you feel like the child is not yours? My answer would be the child is not yours. I think you might be referring to bonding with the child. I knew my heart was open to any child. I knew i could bond with any child no matter the time and effort involved. Again, i was more worried the child wouldn't feel bonded to me.

These are sincere and honest questions, i wouldn't be afraid to ask these type of questions. You have so much soul searching to do before you even consider adoption. Remember adoption isn't for everyone and there is nothing wrong with that. Best wishes.

Erin L

I think this is a common question and common thinking at the beginning stages of considering adoption. Unfortunately, some never get beyond this stage before adopting, or can't get beyond it and adopt anyway. When you decide to adopt, you must make the huge commitment to accept the child as part of your family for the rest of your life - beyond a first "feeling", beyond appearances - just as you would a biological child. It doesn't sound like you have reached that level of commitment. The agency through which my daughter was placed with us (international adoption) does not show the prospective ap's pictures with the referral. The ap's must make the decision based on their knowlege of the needs (medical and social history) of the child and whether or not they are able to meet those needs. They aren't allowed to make the decision based on appearance. Pictures are given after acceptance of the referral, if the pap's accept it. I think this is an ethical way to do it.

Mei-Ling

"Follow your heart, and remember, there are no bad children, EVER...."

If Wow had to say THAT to you, clearly you are not ready to adopt yet.

Anna.

Woah.
I agree with whoever said it's not like shopping.

opedial

I don't think it was a fear of not liking my child, I mean geez every parent does not like their child at one point or another, but they lvoe them.

I think it was more a fear of connecting with them, not really a fear, but just something to be aware of that it is not always instantaneous. We adopted three siblings at once, and with two the connection was quite easy, but the third, well we had lots of "unconnection" problems right off the bat. Turns out though that the first two were in "honeymoon" period and just wanted us to like them so much, and the eldest said "who cares anyway". Consequently I am not much closer to the eldest and the connection is their with the younger two, but I am more "shocked" when they act out the way the elder one did when he first moved in.

All I can tell you is that love takes time, and let them be themselves and come to you when they are ready. If you don't "like" them, it is just a matter of connection.

I do a bit of comedy, and I do a bit that goes like this:

I just adopted three children, and let me tell you, after the long homestudy, and inspection, medical, and police records, we finally had our children come into our lives. Let me tell you, what a bad time to find out I don't like children! Don't get me wrong, I love MY children, I just found out I now have to deal with everyone elses or YOUR children! I mean, yes MY children act out, scream and throw things around, but YOUR child doesn't know how to duck!

Anyway, connection takes time, and adoption is a rollercoaster, but worth it for us!

>:D

I think if you're presented with a newborn baby, you'll have the exact same feelings you would if it were your own, biological child. There's an innocence and purity about them, and honestly, how can anyone pick apart a newborn child?

If you're talking about older children who have distinct personalities, I get what you mean. You didn't raise the child the way you would've had you had them from the start, so sometimes you just won't feel that connection - this child is ultimately a complete stranger to you. We connect with some people better than others, even if they're only a few years old.

The looks thing - that depends on the type of person you are. More shallow people may feel disappointed about their child's looks. Or even if you're not shallow. Some parents like to see their babies have some of their features and they're proud when they see aspects of themself in their child. When you adopt a child, obviously, they're not related to you and won't have any of your genes. But still, some people secretly hope the child will have the blue eyes that run through the family or the familiar curls or whatever. Even if they don't say it allowed, they may feel slightly disappointed, especially if they're physically unable to have children and it reminds them that they'll never have their own 'mini-me.'

BUT, physical appearance shouldn't influence how the adoptive parents feel about their nw child. It's everything else that really counts.

Also, in most cases, parents will meet the child beforehand and see if they have that connection. If they don't, then they'll probably not decide to adopt them and the worry of 'not liking the child' won't be there.

In saying that, though.. If a child is placed in your care and you really are a good parent, the sense of protectiveness will turn into a very strong love, if you weren't 'feeling it' immediately. And lets be honest, all children have the ability to grow on absolutely anyone, no matter what they look like, what their personalities are like etc.

jessie

It sounds like you are not ready to adopt a child. There are so many coupes out there who want a child; "flaws" and all, and for you to be presented with the opportunity and to have such selfish thoughts is awful. Do yourself and your would be adopted child a favor and let someone who is capable of loving the child adopt him or her,

mommy of 5

It's not like friggin shopping, are you being serious?? It's a life and a soul, not a style!! You need to think about why you are adopting a baby, for a cute perfect DOLL, or to be a mommy and love them unconditionally!!

Jennifer L

Actually, I was much more afraid that my children wouldn't like *me*, than me not liking them.

sizesmith

It sounds like a fear that any parent might have for a fleeting moment, whether natural or adoptive.

People in foster care adoptions often have this feeling. It's a shame that a child's life has been so destroyed by natural parents that it makes it hard for the child to be placed for adoption.

I adopted, and never had that feeling. Before he was born, I loved him so much the first time I saw his little foot kick his first mom's belly! (I realize she did too). Now, I see him more like me in so many ways, and at the same time, I see he can make a face just like hers, and laughs the same way his first dad did. He's tall like him, and has her hair color. I see so much of them in him, and at the same time, he acts a lot like me, laughs a lot, and talks a lot-LOL. He's not mine, and he's not theirs, he will always be all of ours, because we all love him.

Crucio

Not liking the looks that seems rather shallow. Adoption isnâ€™t about trying to find a child that could pass as someone biological child or win a beauty contest. Itâ€™s about giving a child a home that needs it. That said one can decided not have to take a placement but I would hope it wouldnâ€™t be due to the fact that this child is not cute enough or that child has an obvious scar on his lip. That poor child has cleft lip.

Lucy

i gave my first daughter up for adoption when i was 17....it was the hardest thing i ever had to do....and i did it because i wanted my daughter to live a life i wasnt able to give her at the time....as hard as the process is emotionally and physically i would be devastated to know that the parents i chose for my daughter disliked her for whatever reason./....its just one of those things--you feel like you have given a gift to someone and its like them rejecting it......i was lucky enough to have a great adoptive family whom i love with all my heart and they love me back

Wow

Thats a totally valid feeling.

This is a soul that you will be connected with for the rest of yours and his/her life.

Its a very scary decision and change, and you want to make sure you've picked the right child for your family, and that you are the right family for the child you choose.

Follow your heart, and remember, there are no bad children, EVER....
A child with behavioral problems is just a child that has been failed by the adults in their lives.

EDIT:

Don't listen to the negative things people posted in here.

Sixfeettall

I firmly believe that when parents seek a child through adoption, they will get the child who is meant to be their child.

You know how you always hear those stories of people who couldn't conceive, then adopted a child and became pregnant soon after? Well, I think it's because if they HAD conceived first, they wouldn't have sought out that other child borne by other parents who was meant to be theirs.

So if you want to adopt a child, put it "out there" to God, or the Universe, or your intuition, or fate, or whatever you want to name the unnamed forces, and ask that you be shown the path to the child whose parent you are meant to be.
***

By the way--I have one child, to whom I gave birth, and contrary to popular flowery thoughts and wishes, being pregnant is not some mystical, wondrous experience--it was sort of like an alien has invaded your body--and you don't automatically love your baby when you first lay eyes on him or her no matter what people claim. She or he is a stranger at first, but the love soon kicks in and the baby becomes part of you. Pregnancy is interesting, but it doesn't make you a mother. And none of our children ever really "belong" to us.

Skadoctor1

Its kind of like having a child of your own...they will not be perfect. You are not guaranteed a 'beautiful' child when you conceive so why would it be any different w/ adoption? And, like birthing children, once you see the child they generally melt your heart.
I had thought similar things until I thought one day about what I wrote above.
The way I look at it... if you are blessed enough to adopt, then you should love the child God trys to provide you with unconditionally. Like another writer said, its not like shopping. You dont get to go to the lot and say I want a Ford Explorer sport in red with the leather interior and sun roof but you dont care about the trailor hitch coming a long. While you are able to see if personalities and scars that the child will come with is some thing you are able to manage in your home, the looks should be the least of the issue.

Randy B

I'm sure yours is a fear that many adoptive parents have and the only difference is that you have expressed it here vice stewing with it in private. I'm sure you will get lots of gruff and rather direct answers but lets face it, the question needs to be asked and answered.

In most cases, when someone chooses to adopt, be it through foster care, privately, agency or internationally, you are presented with a portfolio of info on the child that you can review and then, where possible, question. In many cases the agencies/departments involved do not just through a child into your home and then say..."go ahead and be a family". There is a period of introduction and adjustment. Friends of our recently adopted a 7 year old and they had 3-4 evening visits with her followed by 2-3 weekend visits in a hotel and once they wanted to move forward then the child was placed with them under the supervision of their support worker and the child's social worker.

If at any time during that process either the Department or the family decided that it would not be in their best interests to continue moving forward with the placement then it would have been terminated for the good of all involved. Essentially, I think that is what you are asking.

Eventually, there comes a time when both you and the Dept/Agency need to make a decision as to how to proceed and hopefully before that time comes you know in your heart and in your minds that things are going to work out for all concerned.

AdoreHim

When we adopted our 2 children, we did not go about this like we were shopping for something. We wanted to have children, and give a home to a precious baby that for whatever reason could not stay with their birth mom. There was not one minute since I held my two babies in my arms that I felt that they were not ours.

monkeykitty83

The whole point of adoption is a child becoming "yours" (and you becoming the child's; it's a two-way belonging, not ownership by one person of the other person.) If the child you're presented with doesn't feel like yours before the adoption... well, you're right. Adoption is a process of building love and attachment, not an instant bond. The child will eventually be your child-- but don't expect to feel that way the moment you lay eyes on the child, because it most likely won't happen.

If you're this concerned about not liking the child, I really don't think you should adopt. You would need to be able to love unconditionally. You would have to understand that attachment isn't something just happens or doesn't happen, it's something you would have to work at.

ALL children are worthy of love. Children don't have to prove themselves deserving of the love of their parents; they deserve it just because of the parent/child relationship. I think you need to do a lot more soul-searching about that before you consider adoption (or, for that matter, parenting at all.)

Tyff Taff

The adoption agency wants to make a right connection with you and you new child. Talk with them and be semi honest lol. Tell them that you are interested in seeing a few children because you wqnt to make the RIGHT decision that just feels good from the gut. Yes people will have bad things to say about asking this question and although children are presious no matter the look YOU WANT WHAT IS RIGHT!!!! Go for your gut and you will know when you have your child in front of you.
No I have not adopted but I was about to when I thought I could not have children

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