AP's and First Moms please!!?

Hi. We are fostering a little boy and awaiting a court date for adoption. His mother has had a rough year (a rough life to be honest) and she lost her mother to cancer just recently....as well as signing her termination papers for this child in August. Because of the many reasons her child was removed from her care, she is not allowed any contact with us or her child. I don't know her address, but I do know ways to get in contact if I needed to.
Our son had some wonderful Christmas pictures made. We plan on giving them as Christmas cards to family and friends. I am thinking of sending a card with some pictures of him enclosed through the contact that I have. I know they will give her the card if asked to do so. I don't think this would be in violation of the states demands on no contact, as we aren't communicating with her directly....but, frankly, that isn't really a concern of mine. What does concern me is that I might be 'bringing up more pain for her' by giving her pictures of her child. They are NOT family pictures....just him....but I guess I am just wondering if I should wait a little while longer or go ahead and send them. What would you do as an AP or what would you like as a first mommy? I just know that right now she is basically all alone. She may have some friends, but she has lost nearly all of her family....and I don't want to bring about more pain for her at this time. Thanks!!
Additional Details
Thanks for all of the kind words!! I 'knew' this was the right answer...I just wanted to make sure I wouldn't be adding to her stress and sadness! Thanks so much!!
Freckle Face: dunno why you got a thumbs down?? Not from me! All of the answers have been wonderful to hear!

monkeykitty83

I would send the pictures. I would err on the side of assuming she wants them, rather than assuming she doesn't.

However, I would send them in their own envelope enclosed in the outer mailing envelope, clearly labeled "Pictures of X." (X of course being the child's name.) That way she can open them when she feels ready, rather than being unexpectedly faced with them when she opens the mailing envelope.

I do think she'd want the pictures, even if she isn't able to look at them right away.

Andraya

My son's foster parents got a picture to me when he was 3 and a half. I hadn't seen him in a year at that point. It is on my wall and I often stop just to stare at it. Send her the card. Please, please send her the card. It might hurt a bit now but someday that could be all she has left.

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1

i'm not an AP, but i tried to email you and you don't allow it....

but i wanted to tell you i thought this was such a nice gesture and i think she really needs this. the poor thing just lost her mother and her son.

how very thought-full of you:)

Lori A

Being as her child was removed I would say she most definately would want pics. She has been with this child. Unlike me who surrendered at birth. There is a bond there. I would send them. Very nice of you. thanks

~Jenny~

a picture is some type of piece of mind...nothing at all is harder

Freckle Face

SweetJane,

I would give her the Christmas picture. I don't have experience with foster care adoption, i should add so i don't know the ramifications of doing this. I think the least we can do as aparents and i mean the very least we can do is provide photos.

I asked my daughters mother this almost exact question. She said it hurts a little to see a picture of her daughter but then she is over joyed to be able to see and know that her daughter is alive, happy and healthy.

So horribly sick i hope i'm making sense but your question moved me. Best wishes.

Linny G

I agree with the other responses. I like the idea of enclosing the pics in a separate envelope, so if it is too painful for her right now, she can gaze at them at another time.

Im not an ap, but an adoptee, and I think this is a nice thing to do....you are thinking of his n mom, and sometimes thats not something a parents are comfortable doing. Thank you for that!

Santa's Lil' Helper

Sending her the pictures will give her the power to decide if she wants to look at them.....which I suspect she will.

I personally think it is a kind gesture.

opedial

I would definately send the picutures. I am surprised the foster care agency does not have a method for doing this, usually this can be done through post adoption services.

I have been doing some thinking on my children's mother, who really is in the same siutation as yours. This is my excerpt, I had answered another question about the oddity of adopting someone else's child and how I felt about their other mother. Here were my thoughts:

"No I did not cause, in any way, her pain, but I am now connected to her for life through the children, and feel compassion for the pain she goes through. While I suffered pain through my infertility and subsequent knowlege I woudl never have biological children, I got over that pretty quick as I really felt guided to adopt older children, she will likely never get over the pain of losing her children. Whether or not the fault is hers, the pain is still real, and I think we as adoptive parents need to acknoweldge that pain will exist, and cannot pretend that our joy does not come at the expense of someone's pain. For every moment of joy I spend with my kids, that is a moment that is missed by her, and I cannot help but think about the gift she is missing in these children. When my children come to me when I am older and ask about the adoption, I want to be sure I can hold my head high, and know that I have done my very best to keep an open heart and mind about their other mohter, to better aid them should they want to re-establish the relationship."

It is a good thing you are doing!

Erin L

I agree that you should send the picture. I can't tell you how a first mom feels looking at pictures, but I can tell you that, when we adopted our daughter (internationally) at 9 months old, her first mother specifically requested video of her first birthday. Of course we sent it. God, I can only imagine what conflicting things she must have been feeling watching that video, if she watched it. It tears my heart out. I often wonder if she is able to handle looking at updates/pictures we send. They are sent to the placement agency (unfortunately we don't have direct contact) in the country we adopted our daughter from, and she has to go to the agency to get them.

Carol c

What I wouldn't have given to have seen photos of my son while he was growing up. Instead, I always stared at babies and children his age and wondered if he was loved, taken care of and even whether he was alive and well.

I believe that it's sad enough to lose a child to adoption; but the truth is better than not knowing. If I could have just seen his little face smiling I would have been able to deal with the pain much easier.

Good for you for knowing instinctively what the right thing to do is!

Jennifer L

I agree, I think it's better to send them, then not to send him. Maybe your contact could tell her what is in the envelope and if it's too painful for her to open right now, she could save them until she felt she was ready?

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