AP's, do your children have a "better life" with you?

Erin L

Well, I look at it like the woman in the On The Fault Line video said. I think I'm my child's third best family, which was the best option available to her. It would have been a "better life" for her to be with her birth parents. Since that wasn't possible without whole social systems changing, the next best choice would have been to live in a family within her birth country. Since that wasn't possible because there aren't enough people adopting domestically in her country due to the stigma there and with her special need she could only find a family internationally, our family is the next best place for her. I like to look at it that way because it acknowledges all that she lost in her placement with us but also that we are a good thing for her. (The third best thing! :) )

I define better life as safety and getting physical and emotional needs met.

Cam

"Better life" is not a term I've ever used. Perhaps "different life" would be more accurate. Is the "different" better? I don't know. I have an awesome kid who has two families that love her very much. She doesn't think about the materialistic differences, if any.

The most important thing I've done as an AP is give my daughter freedom to her history and freedom to be who she is and freedom to be with the people that she loves. She could careless about the granite counter tops.

Jennifer L

I define a better life as not living in a war zone. Not having to hide in a building and hope that the army doesn't start randomly shooting inside it.

Not wondering if the army is going to show up and take all the boys out of the house and force them to be child soldiers.

Not having to deal with someone in your neighborhood getting shot in the stomach and left to die in the street so that everyone else will be terrified into submission. Or witnessing someone in the neighborhood having a traumatic amputation to the arm, either at the wrist or above the elbow ("long sleeve, short sleeve") so that everyone else falls into line.

Not having to know what a mass grave looks like. Or that the DE filter earth for our swimming pool looks just like the lime powder used to cover the bodies in mass graves.

A better life is living in safety, knowing that the water is not going to make you sick, knowing that there won't be a violent coup with another wanna-be dictator trying to take power, or that the "rebel" army is just as likely to torture and kill you as the government soldiers.

Living without fear. Being able to have a childhood and have hope for the future. That's my definition of a better life. That's what I try every day to provide to my children.

Heather Leigh

Yes, I have...His life before consisted of being beat on a regular basis, being locked in his room for DAYS on end, having food and water being withheld from him and being left home alone (again locked n his bedroom). He was only 5 years old when he was finally removed from that environment the final time.

He also suffered verbal abuse. The day he looked at me and told me that "Dad says I am a retard" almost broke my heart. When asked what his name was he would say "retard" or "stupid".

His final beating included a ruptured spleen, broken ribs and a bruised liver. He was malnourished and dehydrated. He was 5 years old and weighed 25 pounds.

So, he definitely has a better life now. Am I the best parent for him? I honestly don't know. But I am pretty confident that I am better than what he had.

In this case, my definition of a better life is pretty self explanatory. But, I do not believe a child will automatically have a better life if they are in a two parent home, If their parents are educated, if they have older parents, if they wear designer clothing, or even if their parents can spell and use proper grammar. These do not equal a better life.

Santa's Lil' Helper

" Safer Life " absolutely!!! Her natural father is incarcerated for a second rape and is a suspect in two others. A better life is not defined by money or material possessions. It can be defined as safety, security and consistency. ---- A luxury I never had as a child.

My daughters teenage sister is now living with us due to an unfortunate family situation. She is expecting a child and wants to keep it and my husband and I are willing to support her and her child 110% Another relatives child is living with us because her mom dropped her off at the start of summer and has not been back since. She called once but refused to say when she is coming back. She did the same thing last summer and my husband and I are attempting to get temporary custody.

I know what it was like to grow up in our very dysfuctional family. I will take in as many family members as I have to to make sure this next generation does not fall into the same cycle of failure and addiction. I may not be able to buy my children a brand new car when they turn sixteen but I will strive to make sure each and everyone reaches his/hers
fullest potential.

And we just received a refferal for a possible foster-adopt situation for a domestic newborn with down syndrome.

I define a better life as:

Not having to worry if your parents will beat the crap out of you with a hairbrush tonight because they do not like the way you loaded the dishwasher and are too high to restrain themselves.

Not having to worry if you will sleep another night alone because mom and dad are too wasted to come home.

Not being told I should have aborted you when I had the chance---- that was always my mother's favorite.

If I can save one child in my family from the H3LL I had to endure growing up then it is worth it! And considering
that many of these children had or could have potentially went through what i did then YES I offer a "better life".

IDK!!

I just end you an e-mail

I could sit here and compare myself to them publicly, but i don't think its appropriate.

We are at different time in our lives. I've been where they are. I persevered and have lot of work to do still.

Over all do I think he has a better life? sure. If I didn't think I could provide a better life, then I wouldn't have adpted him. He NEEDED a better life, an acceptable one for sure.

tickled blue

My child never had the opportunity to live with his natural mother. He was taken from her at birth, due to the gross neglect and abuse dolled out on his older half-brother brother. His natural mother has been in jail since before delivery, has never asked to see him or asked about him. She does make a slight attempt to show interest in the half-brother...perhaps b/c he lived with her for a few years before being taken away by the state. She refuses to name a father for our child.
I think my child could have had a 'better life' in the home of his relatives or in the home with his sibling....but unfortunately, our child's skin color is a big issue for their entire family....so, literally, no one wants him. Perhaps his natural father would want him...or his family. I think his natural father--if a good person--would be a better placement for my son.
We were strangers to him....strangers taking him from the only family he knew (foster family). I can't imagine what that must feel like for any child.
All of the above considered, I do feel that he has a 'better life' with us than he would have had with his natural mother or extended family....I can't begin to guess/speculate on the father since I know nothing of him. What I do know is that he has provided us with a better life than the life we had before him. Just by being his loving, curious, funny self....he has made us feel like we are the luckiest parents alive.

cruzgirlz3

Well, I have not adopted the two in my custody....yet. But I would say living in a loving home with sisters, and safety, boundaries, and fun is better than living in a house with absent adults and Meth cooking in the garage. With people who don't care enough to send you to school, who bring child molesters into the house, who don't notice or care when you run away from home.

In a perfect world there would be loving parents who care and are available. Since, this isn't a perfect world and adults screw up kid's lives, yes, I truly believe that at the moment they have a better life.

Better life does not mean things....for these kids it means safety, security, love.

Gabby_Gabby_Purrsalot

My son's birth mom broke his leg when he was three weeks old. She did it because he wouldn't stop crying. I'll give him a life where I'll never intentionally break his limb?

Kazi

Since I never had the opportunity to meet her first parents or know anything about them or their parenting skills, I have no way of knowing if she has a "better life" with me.

I do however know that it is a "better life" than she had when she was living in the orphanage. Neglected, malnourished, locked in a bamboo chair for hours on end. Heat rashes, bug bites, lice... and so on. With regards to the orphanage, I define "better life" as providing everything that was sorely lacking at the institution: love, affection, attention, stimulation, good food, clean water, medical care...

We were worried about spoling her when we first brought her home because we wanted to make up for all that she had been through, but we curbed that as we realized that we really wouldn't be doing her any favours.

As for how she will feel about her life when she is older, as she she has no basis for comparison with regards to her first family, I can only assume she will see us as providing her a "different life", but not necessarily better.

I Love A Child With Autism!!!

I can't say that it is better, but it is more stable. My first daughter's firstmother gave her up due to having 2 disabled children already. She barely scrapes by and I know she would not be able to give our daughter what we are able to provide, especially in terms of therapies and interventions due to her autism. She has not been able to get any state aid, even though we have helped her apply for it many many times! My other child's mother has some very extreme mental challenges and felt it necessary to give up the children she was raising and our daughter. I understand her choice because I know the horrible things she has been through.

I cannot give them their lineage, but I can and do keep in touch with their family that can. I can never replace their firstmothers, nor would I want to, but I do give them all the love, support and understanding that I can. I realize that they are going to have a long journey in dealing with being adopted. I am prepared to be there for them in that process and I am doing everything I can to educate myself on what their needs will be as they get older.

That is a little taste of the "better life" I am trying to offer my children.

BPD Wife

I want to hope (as any loving parent would) that my child has a "good life".

If I am going to be honest in answering your question, I would have to say "yes; my son has a better life" but only in the sense that he no longer has to endure the neglect and abuse that he had prior to and following birth. However, do I believe he has a "better" life than if he lived with his grandparents? I don't know. I think they are amazing people who could have raised him perfectly - but they felt they were too old to raise another child and with their health issues, felt that he deserved more.

If I needed to define a "better life" for my son specifically, these are the things that I hope I can accomplish for him:

*knowing he is loved every single day.
*living free of neglect/abuse.
*providing for his medical special needs to the best of my ability.

And of course, I want what most parents want for their child - the best education, the best support systems, the best in life. Will I be able to provide all of that? I don't know. But I do know that as a parent, I will do whatever I can for my child - including laying down my life for him if I needed to.

Mom to Foster Children

I define having a better life as to...

Not living in a war zone
Having freedom of speech
Having a choice of what to be when we grow up...

etc.

I don't feel the need to give my children adopted or not a "better life" - but I do feel the need to give them the knowledge and tools to become great people!

DarthFangNutts

Better life as in compared to what?

If you mean "better" compared to growing up in a foster home, adoption center, etc. until they are grown children, then of course being adopted into a "single family" is better than foster care.

If you believe in fate, destiny, etc. and that events/things in life were "meant to be" then your adopted child was meant to be with you, so there is no better or worse life.

If you don't believe in destiny but rather that life is of infinite possibilities and decisions, then you could realize that your baby could have had about one billion other couples to have been their parents, and one of them could have been some rich middle eastern oil tycoon. Compare to a tycoon, I probably could not have provide a "better" life financially... but I don't think I will love my daughter any less...

I don't look at my daughter's adoption as going to be "better" but more as going to be "complete" in both of our lives.

sizesmith

My son is definately doing better with me than he would have been with his first mom.

I did private adoption. Before she met my son's father, she was living in her van. She has refused to even try to get a job for 6 years that I know of, and is not trying to get any help for medical, food stamps, or anything. Both she and my son's father are married to different people, she couldn't get a divorce while she was pregnant, refused to afterwards, because he gives her $80.00 of an allowance off money he draws off the VA for her since they have a young child together (that child lives with his abusive, alcoholic, moody, using bio father). She got pregnant in order to trap my son's bio father. He is 49 and doesn't want more children. She has used meth before, as well as other drugs, smokes cigarettes (and ???), and is an addict by her own admission. She has some wonderful qualities, and quit the drugs during pregnancy (except for the day my son was born). After I set her up with a place to live, paid the utility deposits, and advance utility bills so she could get on her feet after the baby was born (she lived with me for 3 1/2 months during pregnancy, along with baby's bio dad), and they lost that place, took the deposits, and went on the road to truckdriving school. Can't stand truckdriving, so they came back. Three relatives have kicked them off their property.

They both have good hearts in many ways. I've tried to work with them to get their lives in order (and I wasn't being bossy), and to see our son, however, they don't bother. I don't see them as a danger to my son, except, in not letting him know where he came from. I found out this week, that she is pregnant again, and my son is only 9 months old!
I know for a fact that living in campers and off the street is no way for a child. If she'd had more money, she'd use more drugs most likely.

I hope things work out for her. In so many ways, she's such a wonderful person, but she has a lot of issues she needs to deal with before being a mother. I pray for the baby she's carrying. In my own selfish way, I hope she places it. But in what is right, I hope she gets to a point in her life that she can keep it, and be in a healthy environment for it in all ways, but with her history, I don't see it.
I know my son is better of now. I hope she'll improve, and help him understand that adoption was not his fault.

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