APS-If you died would you give your adopted kid to their real parents or more of your relatives?

kitta

This is a serious question. Not only do aps die, but adoptions fail for other reasons.

Adopted children end up in foster care. Some adopted children are abused, and no one in the adoptive family wants to care for them, or is able to.

Natural families in closed adoptions should be contacted. I would have been able to care for my son when his adopters were drinking and abusing him.

Both he and I deserved that opportunity, to have a chance for a better life.

Interesting that no one ever thinks that adoptions can harm children.

aloha.girl59

My son would go first to his adad. If adad was also dead, our son would go to live with my sister, her husband, and their 3 bio kids. We were required to get signed statements from someone agreeing to take him in before we adopted him. My sister and her husband willingly agreed.

My son would not be able to go back to his first mother because he was removed from her care in the hospital immediately after his birth. She had other children who had been removed as well because she isn't capable of properly caring for children. Although I have no objections to my son meeting his fmom sometime in the future, it is not in his best interests to live with her.

Opedial

Neither, but here is why.

His "real" parents, by this I mean his First parents, are unable to care for the children and neglected and abused them. They cannot go there.

Our family lives quite far away from us and if we passed on, moving the children to relatives who yes, are their legal relatives, but ones they only see once a year, would prove too traumatic for children who have lost their parents times two. We have chosen our best friends who are involved in their daily life, with provisions they remain in our family name and status wise, and that our family have unfettered access. The people we chose are also adoptive parents and understand many of the loss and family of origin issues that our children face.

If my family lived close it would be a no brainer, but we do what is best for the children.

Rivkah

When my oldest daughter turns 18 (she's 17 now) I'll write into my will that guardianship of the kids, three biological and two adopted, (along with the bank accounts, IRAs, houses, cars) goes into her name if my husband and I die.

I should also mention that returning them to their parents is impossible as they are both dead.

JoHn S.

Relatives. There's a reason why he was adopted.

ETA: KS, I'm not sure who you are all referring to, but I'm not being mean to the biological family. I'm being realistic. With our adoption, it wasn't a matter of a young girl. It wasn't even a matter of someone struggling and couldn't afford to raise a child. It came down to simply not wanting to parent. Nobody in the biological family wanted to parent. They didn't even want any connection after the adoption. And, if they changed their mind, we would know, because they know how to reach us, and know they can. But, they haven't. So, why would I wish our child to go back to that?

ETA 2: WOW....look at all the thumbs down. I agree with ya all...it stinks that my child's biological family wants nothing to do with him. Thanks for the support!

Freckle Face

Dear Sweetlips,

This is something i have given a great deal of thought to, as we did not adopt through foster care. I didn't know if it would be more harmful to be singled out from her sisters she was raised with and sent to live with her other mother whom she does not know. (Its her mother's choice not to have a relationship, we are open to any contact).

Now DD's mother has given up custody of her other two daughters she was raising. So that ends that. Now I can honestly say, DD would go with her sisters she was raised with to live with her aunt and uncle. Yes, she would go to our relatives whom i trust would keep communication open with first family members.

chickadee

He would go to his Granny and Papa just like my bio kid would. They are not just "my" relatives. They are his relatives too.

yeahright

It depends on her. We have an open with one and she's incredible. If she wanted--and I've talked to her about it and she doesn't want custody if we passed on--I would have written her as custodial parent in a second--but she truly truly doesn't want to parent.

We are in process of adopting again in 2009 and it seems like more natural parents want closed adoptions--which surprised me and we don't want it that way. If the situation was one that the natural parent would like to and it made logical sense and we had an open adoption, and it would be best for our children, than of course. But another of our considerations is would the mother keep all of my children, who are siblings, together? I wouldn't want to separate the kids--even though they came into our lives differently they are still siblings and love each other very much.

Otherwise, yes, if she wouldn't take all of the kids, we'd pass on custodial guardianship to another of our blood relatives. But, I'd really want the kids to all stay together.

monkeykitty83

In foster care adoption, "giving back" the child isn't really an option, regardless of what happens to the adoptive parents. The children's parents' rights were already terminated, and relative placements are considered before the adoption ever happens.

That being the case, if I died, my children would be placed with my own relatives. The first priority is a safe home. It's a shame that home can't be with biological family, but it can't, and my own life or death really isn't a factor in whether the biological family can safely have custody, since that issue has already been dealt with.

I would make sure my children were with people who would treat them well and give them proper care, and my own relatives would definitely do that.

Randy B

I am my children's real parents since nobody else has ever parented them and yes, if something (God forbid) were ever to happen to my wife or I or both the children are going to live with our relatives. I have no problem with that regardless of the slant and undertone of your question.

âœ§ â“â“˜â“›â“¨ â™¥ kaelers, emy & bella

All three of my girls, adopted and natural, would go to their godmother, who is a very close friend of myself and my husband, as well as my business partner. She knows our kids very well, they're comfortable with her, she knows how we want to raise our children and has two kids of her own, so we know they would be in good hands.

However, it's specifically written in our will (in regards to our biological daughter, will be amended to include our adopted daughters once it's complete) that we want my parents to be involved in their lives.

As for my adopted daughters, no, they would not go back to their biological mother (my sister) for several reason; the fact that she's incarcerated being among them.

MamaKate

I was promised that if anything ever happened to the APs, my children (who I had for them since they could not) would be placed in my care as per their will since we were supposed to have regular contact.

As with all of the other promises they made, they decided AFTER FINALIZATION that they no longer wished to name me and my hubby (bio Dad) as the children's caretakers. They changed it to the AM's widowed 82 year old mother who lives in the UK.

Pretty cool of them, huh?

corcoranfaire

Sadly her "real parents" don't want her. The birth mother had no interest at all in working her plan and neither did the birth father. If it was a possibility, we would have considered it, but it is not. This is the second time the birth mom left a child at the hospital. We are hoping at some point to find out more information about the other child so they can get together at some point. It has been difficult because the birthmom didn't want to provide any information, declined to give medical history, and refused to have her picture taken.

If my hubby and I die, all our children will go live with my sister, her husband and children.

SagaSue

My relatives. My daughter was physically and mentally abused by her birth parents. Why on earth would I consider sending her back to THAT??? I love her too much to let her suffer again.

Sarah M

Well, if the kid's birth parent(s) were that great, they wouldn't have given the child up for adoption (assuming that the kid wasn't taken away from its mother at birth, i.e. a crack baby). Relatives, 100%.

mom to be

The children I am adopting are preteens in an orphanage. The children's birth mothers are no where to be found, as is the case with many children who are placed into orphanages. They will go live with family. Perhaps you would rather they go back to the orphanage?

Heather Leigh

We just changed our will this summer. If something happened to my husband and I, our son's oldest bio brother would have guardianship of him.

K S

It always amazes me how mean some adoptive parents are to birth mothers.
My son will come back to me. I was young and (was) innocent and in a terrible situation. I never did drugs and never was on welfare. I had a good family and went to college. I was date raped, and I did what was best for my son. His parents and I had an open adoption.
Now, I am married with other children and have a stable income. I am a happy healthy adult.
My son's parents called me a couple of years ago while making a current will. If they die, my son will come to me. Their life insurance and estate will go into a trust for him and his college age sister except for a small amount to take him to visit his other relatives). He will retain his legal name and status and guardianship will revert to me as will his living stipend.
I love my son and I love his parents. We vacation together every year.
Adoptive parents, please do not be cruel to your child's birth parents. Terrible example to set, even if it is truth. But many of us birth parents were just young and not able to provide at the time.

By the way, my son's real parents are the ones that kissed his ouchies and read to him every night. I made him, they made him what he is now.

Kate

I would turn over legal guardianship to my brother or other close family member. When I adopt a child they become a part of my family. I would not give my biological children away to someone besides my closest family, and I will certainly not treat my adoptive children any differently. Once I adopt I child they are just as much a part of my family as any of my other children are.

icehockeymom7

We have no way of knowing our daughter's biological mother, as our daughter was abandoned in China. She, just like our other children, would live with my parents if both my husband and myself passed away. Am I the only one who kind of cringes at the term "real parents"? I would never call my bio children my "real" children in comparison to my adopted daughter. They are all my real children. I know it's semantics, but I feel like I am her real mother, as she calls me mommy and I am real. She does have a birth mother somewhere in China, I do not know if she is alive or dead, but she is also very real, and referred to as her "China mommy". So I guess you would have to call us both her "real mothers"........

Crucio

Well I am not a parent but I can say if I had an adopted child(ren) I would make arrangements for them in my will I would name a guardian for the child(ren). Just as any good parent will do for their child adopted or biological. Would I have them go back to their natural mother/father? It would depend if I was in a very open adoption I might. In some cases that wouldn't even be an option. However most likely theyâ€™d either go with a close family friend or family(whether mine or if I was married my husbands). What if couple has more then one adopted child (non-blood related), what if they also have some biological kids as well. After the children have lost both their parents untimely the last thing they need is to be separated from their siblings.

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