APs: Ever get nervous that YOUR adoptee will turn out 'angry' and 'bitter' like us?

T R

It is only natural for an adoptee to have some anger at being abandoned at birth. That it is a painful thing that a baby feels and that no one explains to him, usually ever. Once the anger is validated, then the adoptee can start to look at the situation a little more holistically and see the value of adoption. I know this because I was adopted.

As an adoptive parent, though, I wish my children would not have to experience the pain and anger. I would love to shield them from it. But I am not foolish enough to think it is possible. Instead, I help them identify the hurt and loss. I aid them in talking about the pain and confusion.

It is adoptive parents' choice whether they will get bitter and angry adoptees. They can pretend they are going to have little orphan annie, and be sorely disappointed. Or they can accept the reality of the situation-- that adoption is born out of loss-- and work with their children to deal with their natural pain. If you want to be a parent, then you should ready to work in the world of the real, not pretend-land.

Kazi

People are going to feel what they are going to feel. I do hope that we have instilled an atomsphere of openness and trust.

And if not, then I must remember to always set my phasers to stun.

kateiskate

Wish my mom had automatic mind control...would have made my life a lot easier...LOL JK

But seriously, to the APs that think I'm bitter, nasty, and evil....I'm nice in real life. If your kid turned out like me (or anyone of the awesome supposedly "bitter" adoptees here) you should be happy and grateful/lucky to have a funny, smart, resourceful, passionate, strong kid.

Serenity71

The line "automatic mind control to wipe out your adoptee's memory and emotions....and the make them grateful....with compliance " ROTFL!!!! Does it make me nervous.Nope should it?( I'm wiping tears of laughter out of my eyes at the images you just created....something out of Dr.Who came to mind, a weird kinda brainwashing device..) So you do have a sense of humour after all...

Since I'm not a super powerful mind controlling being from another planet, or a wizard I doubt that will happen. Why would I even wan to try it anyway what a waste of time and energy....

And my kids are human... just like yours (Since you did say you have kids in a post,) So they will be able to make their own minds on how they feel their life and the people in it.(How do you know your kids won't be bitter and angry that you gave birth to them, and damn it! They didn't have a choice in it? Does it make you nervous?)

I just know we'll love them anyway... happy, joyful, bitter, angry, happy, moody all normal human emotions at one time or another in a persons life.

Jackie B

I'm not angry or bitter but yet my feelings of my OWN experience are different from anyone else's. You can't control how someone will feel. PERIOD. Along with the feelings any adoptees have, they also have their own personalities as well. Some adapt well. Some don't. You can also have a biological child that hates your guts for reasons you can't understand.

Isabel A

Well...I'm not bitter.

I'm full of sugar and spice and everything nice...with a side of Primal Wound.

I'm every adoptive parent's dream don't you know!

BLW_KAM

I worry she'll be hurt to the core when she realizes the implications of being the only one of four children to be placed for adoption. While we knew her natural mother had one child before our daughter was born, the children who have been born since make the situation all that more difficult.

But I can't change reality. All I can do is listen to her, answer her questions, and tell her the truth. My biggest wish is that the openness we have with her natural family will help her to understand she is very loved and that all of us have tried to make her life a happy one.

Erin L

Well, of course, any parent wants their child to be happy. But, no, I don't expect to "posses automatic mind control" and my daughter only express compliance and gratefulness. Some very sad things happened in my daughter's life, and I expect her to feel very sad about them, and I will allow her to feel however she feels. Sometimes, I actually worry about the opposite, that I expect too much (and will make my daughter think she's supposed to feel and only express) loss and sadness. I think it's my job as a parent to open up conversations about her loss in order for her to know it's okay to talk about and feel it (and I think that's necessary for processing and healing, although I know it will always exist). But I want to be able to do that without her thinking that that's what I think she's supposed to feel all the time. I want her to feel how she feels without any suggestion from me about how to feel, but that's actually more complicated and difficult than it sounds.

Heather Leigh

If by angry and bitter you mean wanting to see changes in adoption and foster care then yes I am pretty sure my son will be angry and bitter. He is already showing signs of not liking how the current systems are.

Opedial

Nah, we have it in the bag! lol

I can't forsee how my children will feel, and hope we are doing all we can to minimize the trauma of their first loss of their parents, but we feel we have done right by them and hopefully if they have anger and "bitterness" it will not be directed at us, but somethign we can help them with.

That said, I am sure any child I raise will be bitter and angry about something, and it is my right as a parent to be blamed for their problems!

I just don't dwell on how they will feel in 20 years because there are so many feelings currently to deal wtih!

monkeykitty83

I used to be nervous about how my kids would feel about their adoptions (I actually feared rejection, not anger or bitterness) but I got over it. I can't control the emotions of another human being. I can just give them all the love, care, and support I can, and then my job is done.

Yes, I do hope they have a relationship with me that is lifelong. I do hope they feel comfortable in their own skins, and have lives that fulfill them. But those are hopes because of love, not expectations they must meet to have my love.

Worrying about how my children will someday feel about me is non-productive. Loving and supporting unconditionally ARE productive.

Jennifer L

Not particularly.

My children will "turn out" however they turn out. I fully expect and have encountered some adoption-related issues. I fully expect we will continue to do so.

But then, my children's experiences are very different than yours.

I continue to try to be the best parent to them that I can. No mind control.

And trust me, overly compliance isn't a problem. My children very much know their own minds and don't hesitate to let me know it.

Cindy B

I expect there to be emotions. I don't want to have mind control. I actually didn't know how adoptee's felt until i read some on here. Maybe i should have done more research, but i am willing to learn now.

emma

Why is there no middle ground between angry/bitter and compliant/grateful?

I would also argue that your choices are not opposing forces. The opposite of angry is is not compliant, but peaceful. The opposite of bitter is not grateful, but joyful.

Yes, I expect that my children will continue to find peace and joy in their lives. I do not expect that their pain will ever be gone. However, just as we all move on from great tragedy in our lives to find places of peace and times of joy, so will my children.

Peace is not at odds with loss. Peace is finding your place within the loss and moving forward with your life to make it the best it can be.

wholelottacats

sounds trite, but he will be who he is. He will feel how he feels. I'm not looking to raise an automaton who showers me with kisses and hugs until my dying day. I hope that he will be an individual who values himself, and I want him to be happy.

I guess I'm with Erin - I worry more that I'll be looking for the hurt and sadness too much. I don't want to give him the message that he's not okay unless he's feeling hurt and angry. I want him to feel whatever he wants or needs to feel, not tell him how and what to feel. But I think that's my job, to find that balance.

mom1

Hell Yes!

And no, no magical thinking here.

HappyMomAnna

I have four kids two bio two adopted. Two adult and two in grade school. Everyone of my kids have feelings and go through different stages of dealing with their own processing,

Right now the oldest (25) is going through his Angry time. Sometimes he slings mud my way. My oldest daughter went through this stage at 16. Relationships are like this and if they are lasting relationships have times where the people in them go through "things".

I expect my kids will have a lot of different feelings as they grow and live their lives. When they are angry it doesn't change how I feel about my child. Because, life is long and I am the parent--its just part of the gig. It's my role to be understanding even if I don't agree or see things the same way.

Anger is a completely normal emotion and a very valuable survival skill. Most humans are not defined by only ONE feeling, and most people do not live life on ONE level.

I would only be nervous if I saw one of my children consumed with Anger and living life in anger. I would be concerned no matter the source of the anger.

...of course, I would be concerned if any person I cared about were even if I wasn't their mother....

Sly

I think that for many that it is what keeps them up at night. I think that is the only way many can justify taking another woman's child, and they get cold sweats thinking about it. In order to justify themselves in their own minds, they have to tell the child that they were "abandoned at birth" as one early responder here stated. That reinforces the child's natural issues, and makes the child more grateful that they are not "abandoned" again, this time by the adopters.

angelaan...what about this question is so threatening to you that you feel compelled to report it? It is certainly as valid as the ones where the PAPs come trolling for infants.

Heather B

Mr Not worried "Its just taken plenty of love, understanding and an emotionally stable relationship"

Is heading for a fall LOL I had ALL of those things and more from my Arents bawahahahahaha

Freckle Face

Ha! No. The "angry" and "bitter" adoptees also have strength, determination, courage, and an amazing sense of humor among many other admirable qualities. They will turn out the way they turn out either way i'll be by their sides:)

I Love A Child With Autism!!!

Nope. I am sure they will have their emotional highs and lows, but I don't fear it. I also don't think many here are bitter and angry, just a chosen few who seem to have had it extremely rough in their lives. Seems they have a good reason for the chip on their shoulders, so I do not judge.

I have no need to look for gratefulness. I am very grateful for all of my children. However...the kids are 5,3, and 2 and yes, I could use some compliance from them, but no such luck! But today, if I had mind control, they would have complied by picking up their toys, not breaking the candle holder, and eating their veggies.

ETA: Heather B...didn't you just spew venom about adoptive parents answering for their adopted children in Aloha Girls question. Rolls eyes...practice what you preach comes to mind.

wifeandmom

I worry about it and pray I do not come on here one day to see one of my children talking bad about me. All joking aside, I really hope that my children remember what their mother told him when they were adopted. I think every adopted child might go through that stage. But as a sibling group we have a hand up because they can check and balance each other.

Randy B

Nope, not worried in the least. And all of that without any automatic mind control or tin foil hats either. Its just taken plenty of love, understanding and an emotionally stable relationship. Its worked for us but like the medical commercials say, individual results may vary.

icehockeymom7

I reported this question, and I suggest others do the same. Enough is enough.

Sly, I am not threatened. I am tired of a few big mouth angry adoptees being able to post nasty and biting questions and responses and not getting reported, while any AP who happens to have a backbone and stand up for him/herself gets reported and has their question deleted. I am not threatened by people like Sunny who need to take their anger out on those who have nothing to do with her situation. I am also not afraid of my daughter turning out like her. Not at all.

Dan B.

theve got another thing coming. there probably dreading it

MATMAN

Mind control. Such an ignorant way to ask this question.
My son will only grow up to feel loved and taken care of.

Enter Your Message or Comment

User Name:
User Email:
Post a comment: