APs/PAPs: what are some of the stupidest comments/questions you have received regarding your adoption?

Wilma Duckie Deene

When I was on bedrest in my 9th pregnancy, knowing that I was losing one of the babies (it was twins- the surviving twin is my younger daughter - I have sent 9 angels to heaven because my body can't be trusted to nuture a pregnancy to term). My older daughter is adopted and two years old at the time - "Now that you're pregnant, don't you feel stupid for adopting *her*?" Right in front of her and kind of pointing and tossing his head towards her.

I replied, "No, not as stupid as you will feel tomorrow when you realize what you just said to me!"

IDK!!

"he is so lucky to have you......"

During the process:

" OMG, what if she changed her mind?"

Ah, so what if she did? BTW she didn't relinquish him until he was 18 months. I was never scared to lose him, I had a peace about that being a possibility.

OH I just remembered this confrontation at the YMCA.

My son was 6 weeks old and when we would go to the Y I insisted they let him sleep in his seat inside a crib, DON'T touch him, if he wakes up page me and most of all DON'T TOUCH HIM!!. I went in and he was in a swing and going fast in it. I flipped and repeated my instructions (as if I would ever be back). Then the girl working there said "If you cared so much about him ten you would breast feed. She went on to tell me the importance of breast milk. I told her it wan't right for us and she insisted that if I love my baby enough that I would keep trying"

we withdrew our membership.

BPD Wife

Outside Y!A:

--- "How could his *real* parents give him up? He's so darn cute!"
(My response: Okay - I'm his *real* parent and yes, I agree he's so darn cute! but he wasn't placed for adoption because of how cute he was or wasn't; the choice was personal and one I'm glad that I didn't have to make - but I'm so thankful they chose us to parent him).

--- "Where's he from?"
(My response: NJ - and then watch the embarrassment on their faces).

Inside Y!A from others here:

--- "How could you *steal* a baby from his mom?"
(I didn't "steal" the baby - we were chosen by his original family to parent him).

--- "My God doesn't make mistakes by placing babies in the wrong bellies"
(Neither does mine. However, He does offer us solutions to difficult situations caused by free will such as unwanted pregnancies or abusive situations).

--- "God doesn't support adoption"
(My God does. If He sent His only Son to be raised by a man who was not His biological father in a time where it was the father who was responsible for the most important things - education, religion, occupation - then how could God consider adoption to be "wrong"?)

Cam

This was not a comment or question but rather an "incident":

I took my daughter to the doctor's office for a minor illness. The doctor leaves the room with my daughter's file wide open. Under a section titled problems it said "adopted". I was pretty certain my daughter saw it.

I was fuming but I kept my cool. When I got home I called the office to schedule a private meeting with the doctor. He had a lame excuse....it was an old form and there was no other place to make the notation, blah, blah......

We live in a close knit community. He's taken care of my daughter since she was 6 days old. My response was how completely irresponsible of him to let that happen. Then I reminded him that adopted kids do know how to read and then accused him of having an attitude about adoption. I was really pissed.

I think he felt pretty bad about it by the time I left.

Ethan's Mommy

I haven't adopted yet, but I plan to. I mentioned that to one of my hubbys family members and he looked at me and said, "why would you do that? Its not like you can't have kids of your own." (I was pregnant when I mentioned that I plan on adopting my next child)

Zuko

I'm an adoptee, not an adopter. But I remember once when I was only 8 or 9 (maybe 10, tops) I overheard one of the elders on my dad's side of the family say something really stupid.

"If God meant for you to have kids, he'd have made you able to make your own."

I cried for over a week over that one.

But mainly the stupidest comments my mom and I have talked about are all the 'God' comments. "God meant for her to be with you." "It was God's plan."

blech. Give me a break. God had nothing to do with it. Bringing in religion to explain away everything bothers both me (as an adoptee) and my mum (the adopter and an adoptee herself)

Angela R

"How much did they cost?"
"Couldn't you get a white one?"
"He's SO cute, I can't believe his birthmother didn't want him"
"Why didn't you just have one of your "own"?"
"You definetly saved their lives"
"They're so lucky you adopted them"

"You shouldn't have to go through all the interviews and stuff, no matter how bad the adoptive parents are, it's better then being starving out in the rice patties" (me- "what, are you serious????")

"Since they're Asian they're going to be really smart, you'll also have to buy them really nice cameras, since asian people love cameras"

"We just adopted a puppy, so now I totally know how you felt during the adoption process"

"Are you going to tell them they're adopted?" (My husband and I are both caucasian, and the boys are Korean, even if we didn't- which we ofcourse would- I think they'd figure it out!)

The worst part is this was all said in front of my children, and no matter how I respond, it's still going to hurt them.

Cartier

I've gotten:

How much did he cost?
Does he have an accent?
Couldn't you just send the money to the parents so they could keep them?
They are so lucky.
He looks just like you!
Now all you need is a Daddy for him.
He's American now, why take him to Hispanic culture events?

Oh and I must add that these comments almost always occur when my son is with me. I answer all comments, for the most part with my son in mind- you know, how will he handle these comments when he is older. But, sometimes, depending on the comment/question I ask my son if he wants me to share the answer with the people or not. It's his life story and I fully support him, even at his young age of 3.

Cass M

We're a young couple late 20's and everyone wants to know why we would adopt? I've heard the "you cannot get pregnant' so many times. We could get pregnant if we so choose, but this was our first choice. They usually hush-up. We also had a distant family member we rarely see said it was unnatural and we should have our own, they will never fit in. She said that within ear shot of my mother and has never been back to my house after my mother through with her. ha ha. (This was while we were going through the adoption process, i should hope if she ever seen my children she would have more manners). Our neighbour (an elderly woman) told us to watch out for adopted children they steal and get into crime. This was before we got the kids, now she is great with them. I think she is slowly starting to change her views on adoption.

MamaDoc

My son and I live in the metro DC area--we are both African American....

Q: "So where did you adopt from?"
A: "Baltimore"

(insert headscratching and puzzled looks--yes, there are many children available for domestic adoption)

Independ"ant"

I think you should worry more about what your adopted childs comments are instead of strangers. Isn't that what really matters. Real mature, mom.

Edit:
Sorry, I don't see the words "how do/did you handle" in your question.

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