APs do you agree (PAPs too)?

Sophie

I think I get what you are asking... and it could for some... adoptive mothers...

For me, I am a Mommy and my son's Mother is his Mother... until he wants to call her anything different...

...and may I add, until he wants to call me anything different as well.

I Love A Child With Autism!!!

I'm with you. I don't understand why adoptive parents gets so touchy about what we (I am an AP) or the first parents are called. I am not in a competition with my child's first mother, we are a team, with each of us having a very important and distinct role in the child's life. I am one of those people who just don't get why the term first parents offends Ap's...isn't it the God's honest truth...they were the parent FIRST...without them there would not have been a child for US to parent in the first place. We need to get over ourselves and see things in perspective. It is what it is...changing what you call it doesn't change the outcome!

E's Mommy

I don't think so at all. Call the former/birth/natural/first/original parents whatever you want, that doesn't change anything. As long as you aren't referring to them in a negative manner, it doesn't matter what they're referred to as.

The only reason I can think of it mattering is if the child had a preference. Like if they don't like the term "natural mother" and would prefer for her to be called "birth mother"

Mei-Ling

You know what's really ironic about my situation?

I grew up DISLIKING my biological mother. I grew up not giving a damn about her, because - as so many have stated - all she did was give birth to me.

And when I *demanded* why the heck I should love her, when she hadn't even raised me or didn't even have the decency to fight for me (or so I thought), my mom responded:

"You should love her because she is your other mother. She gave you life, and you should respect her for that decision. I may be your mom, but she is still your other mother and needs to be given that honour because this was the best thing she could have done for you."

To this day, my mom has never used the term "birth" or "biological." She always used "your other mother" or "your Taiwanese mom."

furfur

Being an AP has been the most humbling experience of my life. Without my daughter's first mom, I would not have had the opportunity to parent any child. While I am her mommy right now, there may come a time where I have to make room for her other mom. I am mostly just grateful for the opportunity, call me what you want, call her what you want, but to me and my daughter we are just her two mommies.

Just a Mom

Someone recently told me that it was sad that my kids call me "Momma Lindsey" and my partner "Momma Sarah". I don't see anything wrong with it. My kids have three moms actually, because every night before bed, they go outside and look at the stars and yell, "Goodnight, Momma Teresa! We love you and miss you!". I think that all 3 of us have an awesome place in their life. I hope that Teresa is looking down on us and agreeing with me.

spydermomma

Yeah, I agree with you. My daughter has 3 Moms (her foster mom raised her from about 1 month to over 14 months, and that period is so critical and she darned well counts too!), and the only reason to make a differentiation between what you call us is to clarify who you mean. And just because you call her first mother "natural," it doesn't make me feel that I'm unnatural. Heck, I don't even shave! (I know, TMI, lol!). I'm just not that defensive.

As to who it is that says APs don't like _fill in the blank_. Well, I think it is probably both APs and non-APs, but mostly not the same APs that seem to be feeling all defensive, because they aren't self aware enough. I have seen APs (some on here) who rant on about being the "real" mom. But on the other hand I think a lot of people on here who say that are pretty much random people without a deep connection to adoption. Interestingly, I don't think I've ever met or read an adoptive dad who claims to be the only "real" dad. Hmm.

ETA:
Ah, now I see the resolved question that probably triggered this. I actually have called myself my daughter's third mommy. That doesn't bother me at all. As Tish said, It doesn't mean I'm the third best, just that she had 2 before me. Well, she did! If I didn't like that then I should not have adopted!

Kazi

I completely get what you are saying. I think it comes with experience. When I was a PAP, because everything was in theory, I stood right alongside others that said WE were the moms because we were doing all the hard work of raising a child. I was VERY precious about the idea of being "as good as" though I didn't realize that at the time. It came from insecurity.

But then I became a mom and all of that anxiety and self doubt about my role seemed to melt away almost instantaneously and I realized there was no need for competition. There was nothing threatening about my children having 2 moms. It's a simple fact.

In my everyday life, I find that most APs readily accept that their child has 2 moms and do not allow that fact to lessen who they are in their child's life. In fact, it's the general public that gets very cross with me when I don't put a qualifier in front of "mama". They think I am putting myself down. So very untrue. And PAPs that I have met are very much the same way in that they are holding onto the "I'm going to be a MOM, the one and only.

Hopefully when they do actually become one they will see that having another mother does not take away who you are.

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