About 20 things adoptive kids want their APs to know...?

cantstopLinnyG

For me, I would have liked it if my parents would have talked more about their infertility issues. It was just not talked about, like my adoption.

That was why I was adopted, yet they did not talk about it. I think had they talked about it, it would have made me feel I could speak about MY pain.

Yeah, Im not a believer in the nursing thing, and I was a lactation consultant. It just creeps me out, lol.

Betty Jean Lifton's "Lost and Found" was a great one for me, too.

aloha.girl59

Hmm.

I am an AP and I have told my son that we (his adad and I) couldn't have a baby. After spending quite a long time on this site, I thought maybe that had been a mistake. Maybe because my son was pretty young when he heard that, it didn't really register/bother him or he didn't really understand. I think it's interesting that the author (can't think of her name right now) said this. I don't remember reading that when I read the book. I do know that my son feels comfortable thus far sharing his feelings with me -- about adoption and everything else. So maybe she's right.

As for the nursing thing, it never came into play for me because my son was never breastfed. I adopted him when he was 2-1/2 years old, so it wasn't an issue. I think breastfeeding adopted children is creepy.

kitta

Just offering a little background info here.

I think the author might have picked up some theory from adoptive parent and author H. David Kirk who wrote the "Shared Fate" theory.

This idea is based on Kirk's belief that adopted children and adoptive parents share a common 'fate' based on infertility and loss of biological parents in adoption. He believed that they should discuss this loss together openly.

I think his books and articles were published in the 60s.

ETA: Kirk was really not a fan of openness. He only wanted aparents and adopted children to discuss adoption with each other. He is kind of "iffy" about reunions and doesn't support open adoptions.

SJM

My mother and I discussed her infertility. I was the one who brought it up in conversation. I wanted to know why they never had children. Honestly, I was glad she had tried to have children. If she'd told me she just didn't want stretch marks and adoption was easier, she would have totally lost my respect.

As for breastfeeding, uh, no. Who in their right mind would want to take a bunch of pills to make them lactate? That's just not right.

yeahright

I am not infertile, but the idea of talking about my fertility and my reproductive organs is an intimate topic and frankly isn't anyone's business but my doctor's and my husband's. And while most probably do, not everyone adopts because of fertility issues and that is a faulty assumption.

And yes, I can't see myself trying to breastfeed. While I agree that breastfeeding does contribute to bonding, breastfeeding is breastfeeding because of the feeding portion of the equation. I don't want drugs to force lactation and I can't help it....I'd feel wierd.

bananarama

i am reading "the adopted self" its really good so far but i have just started it.

Mei-Ling

The following link obviously isn't a book but it is a very well-written blog by an adult Korean adoptee who ALSO happens to be an adoptive parent:

http://heartmindandseoul.typepad.com/

She has written some of THE most amazing posts out there!

Dan B.

that book is so lame. read the adoption triange

Zyggy

Why would it hurt the adoptee? If a parent expresses the trouble and pain that they had during infertility, but ultimately were able to get through that and choose adoption (rather then choosing not to persue any other avenue) I would think would draw the adoptee and the adoptive parents closer together, to know the struggle the parents went through makes it real, instead of just people who wanted to adopt to have a kid. Infertility is the silent pain that many parents won't discuss because of how traumatic it can actually be to go through the treatments, to go through the losses, it can being the adoptee into their parents world. Of course this conversation should happen when the adoptee is old enough to understand

Is the nursing for the birth mother, or the adoptive mother? Because I can understand why for both. If a birth mother who is giving the gift of her child to another, still is able to breast feed, it forms a great connection between all of them. It's giving colostrum and antibodies to the child. If the writer is meaning the adoptive mother (which can happen through supplement help, and an SMS machine) that one is self explanatory.

In the end, each adoptee is different. Their reactions and what they want is going to be different, this is just her perspective.

sunny

Breastfeeding: repulsive

Infertility: If you're infertile, fine. Just not too much detail, puulleze. I did NOT need to hear about my amother's 13 miscarriages, and their struggles to conceive. Not appropriate. Adoptees have enough to weigh them down, don't burden me with your adult problems, call a girlfriend or pay a therapist! Adoptees already know they are not first choice, at least I did. The 'hurt' I felt was over the loss of my mother, nothing could really change that.

Read Lifton. Lost and Found and The Journey of the Adopted Self.

so super duper emo

the want love and support and you need to get in there business asnd mind your own beezzewaxxx

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