About Rainbow families..?

wynn

We adopted our first son from Asia after tussling with DCF because we waited for over a year for the only kind of child they would approve us for - a white (because back then they didn't do transracial adoptions) infant or toddler (because we were very young and they felt we didn't have enough parenting experience for an older child). We chose the country we did because a doctor who had volunteered at an orphanage there told us about all these children with medical problems that were just languishing there. I'm half Asian myself, but not from the same country. Still, our son looks a lot like me and the culture is very similar to my mother's so we felt it was ok.

For our second adoption we went back to DCF but because of our son's medical problems and his ongoing need for care they felt we should only foster, not adopt. While we did plan on fostering later (and have just completed our licensing for it) we still wanted to adopt. I chose not to go back to the country we started with because after my first adoption I found out about corruption there. I was lucky, in that I did find my son's mother and she confirmed the information we had and said that our adoption was ok. But because of that experience we chose to go to Ethiopia for our second adoption. In Ethiopia you can meet your children's remaining family. We adopted older siblings whose mother had died from tuberculosis.

We would not have done either adoption if we weren't committed to keeping their culture alive as much as possible. Because of my mother's background I knew what it was like to be a child of parents from another culture, one which was gradually being swallowed up in Americanization. Before we ever adopted we made sure we were near to and made friends in immigrant communities from our children's countries. My children spend time in homes where their language is the spoken language - among the adults. They see though that while they stay with me and get cooking or language lessons the children in those families from their own country are out playing hockey or baseball.

As confusing as it is for a child to be taken from their home country and transported halfway around the world, sometimes that's the only choice left. My Ethiopian children were older siblings, my daughter with a deforming birth defect, so there was almost zero chance they would have been adopted in their own country. The orphanage they were in was five hours away from where they grew up. Not one person in the orphanage spoke their language. The food was completely different - my children had grown up vegetarian with very bland food and now they were being served spicy goat meat. They were bullied in the orphanage and because of the language problems couldn't tell anyone. They are the very dearest children in the world and they deserved better than that.

As for my son from Asia I supported his mother for years. When she married her most recent husband he told her to get rid of her other two boys. I tried to send extra support money. I was already sending her a monthly check, plus I had set her up in a business of her own. Still she wanted those boys out. I arranged for a foster home for them so they wouldn't have to leave their country. The next thing I heard, the grandmother had taken the boys away. The younger one died and the five year old was sold to work on a farm. I really wish I had just listened to our contact who advised me to adopt those boys. I didn't understand the culture properly and I have enormous guilt for not going ahead and doing as their mother wished - tearing those boys away from their culture.

In general, yes, overseas adoption has far and away more problems than domestic adoptions. But children aren't "in general". Each one has their story. There are children (especially older ones, and special needs chlidren) all over the world who need homes. In many countries people are too poor to take on more children through adoption or the culture condemns adoption from outside the family.

What really needs to be done is a vast overhaul of both international adoption and private adoption in the US. Prospective adoptive parents have to be one of the driving forces in this. We have the money and if we demand reform and accountability agencies will change their tactics, laws can be enacted. So long as people show up at their agency with a checkbook and only ask "how fast? how young? how healthy?" nothing is going to change.

Ummm, yeah, so I did change countries because of corruption in the first country we adopted from, not because I was looking at getting another stripe to our rainbow.

tish

what about the "rainbow families" who adopt from foster care? special needs kids? somehow, these families only get props on thanksgiving and christmas. or when oprah decides to do a show on it.

in my opinion, these "rainbow families" deserve more praise...they are truly parenting for the children, not due to some twisted narcissism, like angelina and madonna.

mei-ling..i agree, how the hell does one "experience" children??? is that anything like trying a shot of tequila or bungie jumping...

and some wonder why we give this whole IA thing the finger.

linny, i wish i could thumb you up twice...

Lori A

I'm not entirely sure that the term "rainbow" is meant in that fashion. It sometimes is used in conjunction with the pony and the pool myth, that adoption is all rainbows and sunshine.

Mei-Ling

http://www.metro.co.uk/fame/article.html?in_article_id=23551&in_page_id=7&in_a_source=

Her words: "But I would like to experience David for a while and see how it works out."

How on earth do you *experience* an adopted child?

http://30in2005.blogspot.com/2006/10/m3-is-for-madonnas-malawian-madness.html

I haven't done any search into why Angelina adopted, but I'm fairly certain that Madonna did it to be a "saviour" - as explained by the blogspot link.

Possum

No.

I think it's irresponsible to adopt from all over the world.
And I certainly think that celebrities that do it - have NO idea what it feels like to be the adoptee.

Adoptees already have enough problems with identity issues when they don't look like their a-parents - but then to add in children from all different ethnic backgrounds - what confusion that would cause the children?!?!

Adults don't understand in adoption the importance of the mirroring effect.
You grow up in a house full of people that look completely different than you do - it's very disconcerting - and warps your sense of self.

I'd rather be home in Russia

Some people (Brangelina) go a bit crazy with it, but others trly have the child's best interest at heart. My sister and her husband set out to adopt a child who really, really needed a home. They found Chioma, a two year old girl with down syndrome from Nigeria. She was surrendered by her mother, who was disgusted at her 'disfigured' baby. She was beat by an orphanage worker because she was "too stupid to do anything" I think we can all agree she will have a better life with my sister.

wifeandmom

Another "rainbow" families are gay families. I think I could answer a gay parent question. (Sad face)

Jennifer L

I think that there are as many reasons for "rainbow" families as there are families in the first place. One of those reasons could certainly be as you describe. Or as other people mention, it could be that they have some sort of political stance to prove (look at all my different children, see I'm not racist!) or anything in between.

I think that celebrity adoptions should be considered their own subset of international adoptions. I know plenty of other IA parents, but I don't personally know anyone with as much money, as much fame, or living that Hollywood lifestyle. I can't begin to guess at the motivations behind celebrity adoptions because the fame and "status" associated with movie stars and musicians, place them far beyond the realm of the rest of us "everyday folk".

I do think it's important that transracial adoptees are not the only ones in their home/family that look the way they do. I am sure that my children are glad to have each other (we adopted a sibling group).

macadam

I don't know about adopting from out of the country, but I adopted my daughter from my own town, and she is a different race. Never was an issue, and we often joke about it when people ask us rude questions.

I think a lot of you are over thinking this. I worried that my daughter would feel out of place, because she didn't look like me, but it didn't matter to her.

In fact, we are adopting again, and I asked her how she feels about the race of the child. Me, over worrying again, didn't want to break up the dynamic in our home. She said she it doesn't matter to her, as long as she keeps her own room.

Linny G

I think this trend is sad. It makes me sick to see people like Brad & Angelina scooping up all these kids and ripping them from their homelands. If they were truly "humanitarians", they would donate their money to start programs to educate & try and keep families together. And dont even get me started on Madonna stealing that baby boy from his Father.

Most of these stars prance around with their stolen babies as if they were tiny dogs in a purse. Most of these people would never pass a test to become a foster parent here in the states. Money talks.

Maureen S

I had to answer after reading POSSAM's answer.

"I think it is irresponsible to adopt from all over the world"

"Adoptees already have problems with identity issued when they don't look like their parents"

The "mirroring affect" as you call it was an assett to our family. Now it is an assett to our grandchildren who have grown up happy, well adjusted children who have friends from all walks of life and from all ethnic backgrounds.
-------------

It is my oldest boys birthday tomorrow - he will be 46.
This is what he wrote me today -

"Thank you for being my Mum. You and I have the longest most loving relationship I know of. Without you my life would not be the same and I give thanks for you everyday. If it was not for you I would not have my own wonderful family and I would not have the dream job that I have, You showed me how to excell and to use the talents that were hidden deep down. I thank you also for all my brothers and sisters and the love and compassion that we have for each other. I would not be me, without you. I love you with all my heart".

My reply:-

"46 years ago I held the most beautiful little smiling baby, with the biggest eyes in my arms and I fell in love.
Thank you for being my son".
--------------

He is black and a lawyer.

Well, my children do not look like us, their parents, being me and my husband. All of our children look different from each other. Black, Native Indian, Asian, Caucasian and even a little bit of Mexico.

NONE of them - and I repeat NONE OF THEM have problems because they do not look like us. They grew up (since birth) with parents who loved them, unconditionally, who showed them that the world includes people of all races, all colors, all creeds. Each single one of them were not only different regarding their race but different regarding their emotions and personalities. Some were tall, some were small, some were musical some liked sports. There has been NO confusion, because there was nothing to be confused about.

It is NOT discerting to grow up with those around you being different from each other, it gave them strength and character and acceptance of everyone they meet.

My children have a very strong sense of self.

It is like reading the bible isn't it!. It is according to what you think about life and how you interpret things.
I look at Brad Pit and J.L. with warmth and love. Their family is a United Nations, just like ours.

My children AND their children are getting the one thing that will take them through their whole life, with strength, compassion, understanding and love for EVERYONE else on this planet - that one thing being LOVE .

Santa's Lil' Helper

I have a remarkable "rainbow" family of children biologically related to me who needed homes who would have otherwise ended up in foster care.

I say remarkable because they have come a long way to see that they have worth and deserve to be loved.

Heather B

I guess they take what is available.

Funny how these saviors are so concerned about rescuing the children of the world (but only from countries with international adoption programs)

Moose

I don't think it matters much if the reason is because the PAP'S WANT to parent many children blah blah, or if it's because the PAP'S WANT to hand pick blah blah, or if PAP'S WANT to "just be a mom" or whatever...it's all about what the PAP'S WANT. Maybe just once in awhile, it could be based on what the kids need? Ya think?

Oh, Lori Lori, sweetheart, you've got to go easy on K here. She has a hard enough time following ONE topic to its logical conclusion; you can't be introducing whole new topics for her to digest. She's going to end up off in la la land trying to figure that one out.

Randy B

Well, I may not be American but as a Canadian father of one of these so called "rainbow families" I know that the reasons you stated were not a factor with us at all. Our overseas adoption was done as a result of our having lived overseas for a time and our desire to adopt. Both lined up and we were able to do so while overseas. As a result my oldest daughter is East Indian. Our second adoption was done through domestic foster care and as a result our youngest daughter is First Nations.

Of course, with the first adoption we knew that our daughter would be a different race from the rest of us however with the second adoption we did not state a racial preference. In fact, we stated that race was not an issue for us and when the match was made the social worker stated that she wanted this placement specifically because our family was already multi racial. So now we have three races in the family and who knows what the next (and final) adoption will bring, race wise.

Now, if you are talking about celebrities who adopt overseas, I can't speak for them. Other then Madonna I don't know of many of them that I would have an issue with. The children seem to be well cared for, have all that anyone could hope for for them and if it wasn't for the paparazzi then I don't think you would see much of them because it's not as though they get purposefully paraded for the cameras.

We live in a "rainbow world" so I don't see anything wrong with "rainbow families".

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