Adopt or have our own kids?

Randy B

I've done both and naturally one has not been more satisfying then the other. They have all been great and I wouldn't change anything for the world.

It sounds to me like the two of you have a lot of talking to do. This is one of those issues that you will have to work out yourselves and someone may have to compromise. She will either have to be happy with one child or you will have to want more then one. Its a deeply emotional and personal decision.

As so whether or not adopted children need to have siblings, in my personal opinion all children are better served by having a sibling or two, three, four...what ever. It makes no difference if they are adopted or not. Now, there are children waiting for adoption who may or may not have challenges that would make it advisable for them to either be an only child, the youngest, oldest or one of many in a family. It all depends upon the child. As to if adopted children are always emotionally unstable, that also depends upon the child and their history. With that having been said though, keep in mind that each child is individual in the same way that you and your gf/finance/wife are different.

When the time comes, talk, talk, talk and both agree on what ever you choose to do.

Looney Tunes

QUOTE: "Are adopted children always emotionally unstable?"

Hmmm......a little bit of a sterotype there, don't you think?

myst1998

This is obviously a serious issue. What are her reasons for adopting? Is is because she feels she needs to save children in care? If that is the case then I would look into Foster care. But there is no reason why you can't have your own children. Its only natural!

Have your own child (when the time is right of course) and when he/she is older and settled into school etc, then perhaps look into fostering children long term who need a home (Long term foster care gives a child a stable home enabling them to grow up in one family and not being shoved from home to home)

If you are not sure if Foster care is right for you, start off with respite care and go from there.

I don't recommend adoption however... it feeds a growing industry that thrives on vulnerable young women who they are able to convince are not good enough for their own children.

If she is insistent on adoption, then research adoption completely. Don't just look at the happy, sappy rainbows stories you will get from many AP's; read books about how the experience has affected mothers who have lost their children to adoption and adopted persons.

Read Nancy Verrier's Primal Wound... she is an adoptive parent who has researched adoption thoroughly - its a good starting point.

All the best.

Rainia W

Which is best for a couple who only want one kid? Either way, both parents have to be on board. If she only wants adopted kids, and you only want biological kids, then you really should not have any. I don't mean that because I think you would be bad parents, not at all, just that bonding is very important for both adoptive and biological kids.

Do adopted kids need to have siblings? No. I have siblings, but we have a very large age difference between us, so I grow up like an only child, and I can't imagine it any other way... I liked the attention ;-)!

Are adopted children always emotionally unstable? Despite what you read on here, no they are not always emotionally unstable. They WILL almost always go through a period where they have to work through abandonment issues, but most kids can work through that very easily with support from their parents. Most adult adoptees I know are just as or more adjusted then their adult biological counterparts lol! There are some horror stories, but if you think about it, there are probably more biological children who are mess-ups then adopted kids.

That all being said, DO NOT adopt unless you are fully invested into it. Otherwise the bonding will be too difficult, and it won't be good for you or the child (not to mention your marriage).

Good luck figuring it all out!

Crucio

Well Anthony you would be making a big mistake if you went along with adoption just to please someone else. That is not fair to you, and even more it is not fair to an adopted child. Turn that around to convince her to have a natural child is not fair to her or the child. Any child should truly be wanted by both parents, not just one.

It may be hard to hear but if you both only want one child, you want to have a natural child and she wants to adopt. You should both go your separate ways and find people who desire what you want. For her a man that is fine with adopting, for you a woman who wants to have a natural child. Unless you were willing to have two children one adopted and one natural. Or you simple remain childless. Clearly you need to sit down and seriously talk about this. You might ask her why she wants to adopt if you have not already.

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1

have your own.

LadyMoon

Where does your prospective wife think these children will come from?

Adoption is for orphans and children who have noone else to care for them. There aren't many orphans in the Western world in 2008.

Adoption is *not* a way to procure children from vulnerable families in order to make yourself feel good or heal the wounds which infertility have left.

If she feels the need to help needy children she should consider fostering children who need somewhere to stay whilst their birth families sort things out. She is not "entitled" to "keep" anyone else's child.

Have your own if you can.

LisaHW

My husband and I did both. We adopted one who needed parents (and was an infant when removed from his birth mother) and had two younger children.

Although it is not within my expertise (and I'm not sure it's even within the expertise of the "experts") to say that it is almost (ALMOST) completely within the power of parents to nurture an infant in a way that prevents adoption-related "issues", I really do believe (based on existing research about the impact nurturing can have on the development of the brain connections) that adopted children don't HAVE to always have "issues" (at least when adopted young enough, particularly in early infancy).

My son was not straight-out-of-the-hospital-incubator when placed, and as a child he was very much the same kind of child my other two children were. He did, however, have differences (learning problem in school, but none of the behavior problems usually associated with it); and the learning problems in school did mean he would struggle more.

I have an adoption blog:
http://adoptionlwarren.blogspot.com/
It has lots of links to science about nurturing and brain development, and it is my attempt to present a realistic picture of a good adoption situation. There are lots of other links there too.

Today happens to be the 27th birthday of my second son (the one I had myself). I would not want to have lived my life not having him and his little sister (whom I also had myself). At the same time, neither would I have wanted to live my life without the precious boy who was every bit as much a part of me and my life and family as my two younger children.

It is sometimes easier for women to adopt than men, because SOME men are "hard wired" to reject another person's baby. Not all, of course. I do think, though, that to adopt a person must be ready - ahead of time - to just the child will be unquestionable "their own" and decide to keep the adoption factor from becoming too big of one.

Crys L

Honestly, talk to her. Discuss her reasons for adopting and your reasons for not. Adoption doesn't have to be bad, but it will be an adjustment that BOTH of you have to be ready for.

Rowan

Well, if you feel that strongly, i'd say have your own. You and your future wife need to be on the same page with this, or it will never work out, and the child will suffer.
Not all adopted children are emotionally unstable. That is a nasty stereotype.

mikalina

you need to be convinced about adopting and you come to THIS forum? that would be like being afraid of guns so you go to a shooting range.

half the people here will tell you adoption is the end of life as we know it, the other half will tell you it is the best thing since peanut butter. all of them will be absolutely sure they are right.

Thea L

I would like to start by saying that adoptive parents have their own children too.They belong to their family as much as a biological child. We have done both, adoption and pregnancy, to build our family. My husband was adopted at age 5 by his parents and we wanted to perpetuate the chain of love that they started. It has been wonderful for us,our adoptive sons are emotionally stable,independent and bright.I love them so much that words do not do justice to describe how I adore them.

Having said that, adoption is not for everyone.It's a complicated process that requires commitment and patience, as well as emotional fortitude on the adoptive parent's side as well as the birth family who need support and reasurance. If you know already in your heart that it is not within you to love an adoptive child as if he or she was biologically yours then I would say don't adopt.Some people aren't willing to do it and that's fine,everyone should be respected.

By the nature of your questions I would say that you don't have a whole lot of information about adoption or childrearing in general. Before trying to change your girlfriend's mind or the other way around, you and her might want to do some research about the kinds of adoptiong there are and who is ellegible as adoptive parent.

Adoptive children can be only children or have siblings (they are children after all, adoption is not a status that marks them or sets them apart from their peers), their siblings can be adopted too or be biologically related to the parents.

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