Adopted 16 year old girl?

cruzgirlz3

Wow. I can relate. I've got two kids in my home who have joined our family, and I really know how chaotic it can be. I also know how overwhelmed you must feel, trying to balance your concerns for her, with your concerns for what this is doing to your own family. Oh man, believe me I really hear you.

It is going to be tough for awhile. Your family is taking on a new shape and there will be struggles. Any resentment you feel is normal, so try to not feel guilty about those thoughts. Be kind to yourself. You are doing a wonderful thing, but it is messy. You do not need to figure out everything at once. Just take it one day at a time. After awhile, you will start to see some order, and structure to what now feels completely overwhelming.

Get the girl in school. You need the break and so does she, and she needs the opportunity to start creating a life. If her only life is YOUR children, she will drain them and they will feel resentful. So help her branch out and find her own friends and interests. It does mean more for you to do, but it is so worth it.

Also, tell your kids everyday how much you appreciate their sacrifices. Let them know that you see how much this is affecting them. What happens is that the "new" kids take up 90% of your time and your own kids feel slighted or you feel guilty for what your kids are going through. Find some time to be alone with your kids to strategize, vent, and let them know how much you love them for what they are doing. You may find that you'll feel much more like a team for doing so, if you can get them on board.

Oh, I could go on, because we are living this too with a new teen in the house. Please hang in there. It WILL get easier. Please e-mail me if you would like.

â™¥â™¥Ritaâ™¥â™¥

Get her in school....that would help establish some normalcy for her because that is what your other teen is doing.

Put the puppy in a kennel (edit: a home kennel/cage sort of thing) until it is trained, talk with the girls about the cat that is going ng to die.

Can the 'new" teen room with your other teen so you don't have to sleep on the couch?? Girls are territorial and there will be some attitude and some adjustments that will come about. Just hang in there.

Counseling is a PLUS.....that will also help work through the emotions and the rivalry and will give you some insight too.

College?? Do you live in the States?? See if your state has a tuition program for families who fall at or below a certain income. If you have not actually adopted this girl, then you are not financially responsible for her and you can go ask social services for some assistance for her...won't be much but it will help. If you do that, ask them about college programs for teens. To do that though, she will need to be in school.

I will tell you this. Girls are tough to raise. I have a couple myself and would not trade them now but had I been able to choose for simplicities sake I would have chosen ten boys....they are just easier. So, you now have two who are going to go through a lot of the same things together, with the exception of the "new" teen and she is experiencing a great deal of loss right now......very sad and very "weird" for her.

EDIT:

If a counselor says she is not "ready" for school then see if the school will let her do "homebound" schooling. That is what it is called in the Mid West part of the States. That way she is keeping up on her own merit and a teacher has to come check on her and her progress. If they will not do that then a class that will pace her but at a slower rate may be a good option. I really would get the school stuff going as soon as you can and under whatever advice the counselor is giving.

Another thing is to establish boundaries now....otherwise the boundaries are blurred and harder to enforce later on. That would be no fighting, we sit and talk like a family when we disagree.....that kind of thing.

Also, I am serious about you not being financially responsible for her just becasue you have custody.....you can get services for her. Call your social service office in your county. Take advnatage of whatever assistance they will/can offer....

Again, take care and good luck to you.

kdfirekat

Whew! You need some help! Is this an official adoption or have you just sort of taken her in?

Most definately get her back in school.

I think the therapy/counseling you're already providing will be very beneficial to her during this time.

16 isn't too young to sit down and have a straight forward and honest talk..with both of them, both together, and separately. Let your daughter know that she isn't being replaced, as she may feel that. Let the other girl know that you are there for her in whatever way you can be..and follow through.

Try to focus on the positive while remaining sensitive to the fact that she's just lost everything. Support her work at the animal shelter...she obviously is taking solace in the unconditional love and affection animals show.

I wish there were more advice, but I don't have it. These things are just MHO. Hang in there!!

Make sure you've allotted some time for yourself, too, whenever possible. You'll be a better giver if you nurture yourself first.

Good luck to you.

Vlad Tepes

Wow! It sounds like someone has his hands full. You definitely need to get her enrolled in school.

Jennifer L

Wow!

You do need to get her back in school. Maybe if a regular high school would be too much, look for an alternative or charter school. Don't worry about college right now (unless you are the one in college!) High school first.

I think some professional intervention is also indicated. On that note, is she covered under your insurance? You'd need to get the legalities in order.

Look into bedroom sharing or a bigger place. Sleeping on the couch long term isn't good for anyone.

Jealousy: It'll be hard to reason with your younger kids, but you and your 16 year old daughter need to have a sit down. I think it's reasonable to expect your daughter to understand that things will be out of sorts for awhile and she needs to be able to act like she's almost an adult.

Get a crate for the puppy. And I'm sorry about the old cat.Time to call in some support from friends and other family.

Best of luck!

Deb K

It is a very poor decision not to allow her the opportunity of being social and normal by going to school, this is actually going to contribute to her be more isolated. Its ok if she is not able (due to depression) to go every day, but let that be her decision- not yours. The two girls definately need their own space, it would be absolutely ridiculous to expect your own daughter to give up her privacy by sharing her room. The new girl also needs a place to mourn in private.
This child most likely will be very suicidal (especially after her cat dies), every decision that you make will affect her, so carefully make your decisions with that in mind. Get her in counseling at the school, its free. Do not make your kids get counseling- its not their fault that this has happened to them and they will resent you for making them get counseling. The 5 & 3 year olds will easily accept her and it should be encouraged for them to cuddle/snuggle with her, however your 16 year old will get jealous watching her siblings bond with this girl. I am not too sure that you are ready for all this, but you made the decision and it was a very un-selfish, loving decision and you will recieve so much more good, than bad, from having made this choice.

Exist F

LOL

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