Adopted and Bio Children?

PhilM

So that you know where I am coming from... I was adopted as an infant. My parents were told they could never have children. Their bio-daughter was born months after the adoption was finalized. They went on to have two more bio-children.

Just some thoughts, take them for what they're worth...

Tell her now. Don't shove it down her throat, of course, but don't let it become a secret. Tell her now, and tell her later. She won't understand everything now, but as she begins to understand, she may feel more free to ask you questions and air her concerns and confusions.

She is different; nothing you can do will change that. That doesn't mean you don't love her. That doesn't mean you feel any less of a mother to her. But she may very well have differences. The reason I mention this is not to put her or you down. Not at all. But you have to be open to the fact that she may show differences from your son, you, or your husband. Her genetics do make a difference. If you are anxious to treat her just the same, she might well pick up on that and wonder what's wrong with her.

She is likely to wonder about where she came from. She may very well have anxiety and abandonment issues that you cannot quite understand. These are normal. (Which is not to say she doesn't need support to deal with them.)

Let her talk about her adoption. You may even need to draw her out some. If she is like many adoptees, she is likely to feel an intense loyalty to you. She may feel guilty for thinking about her first mother. Be open to the conversation. You may feel nervous, or jealous, or anxious or whatever. That's normal. But it's not her problem to fix it for you. If you have those feelings, they are yours and you shouldn't deny them. You're not bad for having them. But she's the child, and you're the parent. You have to deal with those feelings on your own. You need to be open to hearing whatever she has to say about her feelings.

Some reading about the experience of adoptees that might be of some help to you:

* "Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self" by Brodzinsky, Schecter, and Henig

* "Birthright" by Jean A. S. Strauss

* "Journey of the Adopted Self" by Betty Jean Lifton

* "The Primal Wound" by Nancy Verrier

Good luck to you and your family.

ETA: Sorry, I talked myself right off-track and forgot one of my points. You are not responsible for her turning out perfect. If she wants to know about her past, or if she feels different, it may not be your fault. (Adoption does this to people. Honest. My parents loved me and treated me no differently that I could detect. I still felt different.) Don't put too much pressure on yourself to be the perfect mom to her. She will pick up on it, and it will make some of the problems worse. Relax. Love her. Be supportive. That's your job. That's what you can do for her. Listen to her. The rest will depend on her responses.

Jennifer L

I would start telling your daughter now, in age appropriate fashion. I'd suggest telling a bedtime story, make it a nightly ritual, but at her age, keep it very simple. It's recommended that adoptive parents tell their children from adoption about how they came to be with the family from the very beginning, so there isn't one big "Now I know!" moment.

There are also some great children's books related to adoption. They can make great "bedtime stories" too.

Good luck!

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1

she will already feel different, bc she IS different. whether you love her the same or not, it's about her, not the parents.

tell her before she understands the word.

punxy_girl

I suggest you start telling your daughter NOW about being adopted. Don't stutter and be embarrassed! It's a huge part of her life-incorporate it and be give her as much knowledge as her age and her psychological ability is capable of having. Don't make her feel "less than" her sib,however. I have both bio and adopted children, too. I make an extra effort to tell my adopted daughter how much I love her and that it is FOREVER. But do recognize that there will be questions and your daughter will be curious sometimes, sad sometimes, and angry sometimes as a result of being adopted. This is okay.

Freckle Face

Sydie,

I have both. I know you love your children the same and so do i. Let that be a constant for them. Now there is somewhat of a difference for an adopted child. With adopted children you have to grow up faster as a parent. You have to realize that you cannot be all things to your child. You can not raise a healthy well adjusted child without some contact from her first family. Kids are so smart they pick up on contradictory stories. So always be kind, loving and respectful when talking to your daughter about her first parents.

If you scrapbook, just try to make a book about her adoption with picts from her first family. Having that visual aid will really help her to understand at 2yrs. Make it her story. I know you won't have an ultrasound pict so what i did was take a silhouette of a pregnant body and cut out a little baby pict of dd and put her in the tummy part.

Another thing is i try not to be negative. So i grew in your tummy right?

Instead of saying NO honey.

I say Yes you grew in mama M's tummy.

Am i german too?

Yes in an adoptive sort of way. You are half AA and half Italian. Your ancestors come from Africa and Italy.

I know its little and probably trival. I don't want to exclude her with no's rather include her with yes's. Make sense?

It is complicated. Listen to Phil, he gives great advice. You can email me anytime with questions.

Congrats on your beautiful family.

Momof7

So, how old is your adopted child? I have 5 bio children and 2 adopted and we just celebrate their difference. We have pictures displayed of the birth moms and tell them how lucky we are to have them in our family. Also, you are right, they are your child in every way, so don't make too big of a deal about it. I would say that a child should know about their adoption from the get go.

Crucio

You should tell your daughter about her adoption now, find storybooks for her age level. She will not fully get it and thatâ€™s ok but at least it will be out there. Donâ€™t make it seem that adoption is something to be ashamed over, talk positively about it. Once she gets old enough to ask questions answer truthfully what you know as long as it is age appropriate.

As far as bio and adopted kids coming from an adoptee whose parents have bio kids and knowing a few other familyâ€™s that have both. I think the best case is donâ€™t treat your daughter differently because she is adopted, donâ€™t treat your son differently because he is biological yours. When it comes down to what is important they are both your children. Your son is not more your son because he has your genetics and your daughter is not less your daughter because she does not have your genetics.

Of course expect and embrace their differences but that should be done regardless if the children are adopted or biological.

orchidmg

I was adopted 11 years after my parent had they two biological sons. They told me that I was adopted when I was 8 and still had to answer my questions for years to come. My brothers never treated me like I didn't belong. If I was never told, I never would have guessed. I fit into their family so well.

My cousin adopted twins and then had a child 4 years later. A big surprise! They told all 3 children at the same time about the twins being adopted. I think they were 7 when my cousin and his wife started talking about it. The kids thought it was cool and it wasn't a big deal at all. Young kids don't care if they are adopted or if their siblings were adopted. It's when they get closer to 16, 18, 20 when they start thinking about what their biological parents look like and why they gave them up for adoption. But as children, kids don't care who is adopted or not. They are siblings. They love each other and fight with other, get jealous of each other and protect each other. I promise it won't be a big deal for them.

Congrats to your lovely family!!!!!!!! Enjoy them!!! They grow up too fast!!!! God bless!!

Rainia W

I woud be telling your daughter now that she is adopted... i had an exellent adoption xp and I can't remember not knowing I was adopted.

I am not sure about the bio/adoptive situation so hopefully someone has a good answer on here for you.

Good Luck and Congrats!

the freakin' analyst

depends on how old she is now. kids feel isolated and left-over after a new comer joins the family and she's probably feeling that already no matter how nice and sweet u are to her. give it some time until she starts understanding and noticing how u love and treat her just like ur son

sporregar

Sounds to me that you're already making her different by referring to her as your adopted daughter.

My BIL and his wife adopted a kid and they were required to go through classes about having an adopted kid. See if you can find an adoption agency or a social services in your area that might have similar classes.

Thank you for opening up your home and your heart to a child in need.

You don't have to worrry to much about your daughter being hurt that she is adopted. Tell her when she is young and don't make a big deal of it.

God choose both of these children for you and your husband. One child grew in your tummy and the other in your heart.

You love them both the same. As long as they see that you love them, it will work out. Actions speak louder that words.

sarashayz

As an adopted child, I don't think there has been a moment I can remember that I didn't know I was adopted. I think it's good to be open and honest with your children from the start.
I don't think she'll feel different because she's adopted and your son is not, as long as you don't make her feel different.
Just be open and honest when she asks questions and I think she'll be fine.

Marie C

You should begin talking about your daughter's adoption to her right now, in very simple terms. She may not quite understand what you are telling her, but it will give YOU practice for telling the story while she's young, and it's easy. For now, you can just say something like, "You know how your little brother grew in Mommy's tummy? Well, you grew inside your birth mother's tummy, but then Daddy and I adopted you when you were born. We love you so much, and we are so happy that you are our little girl!"

When she's four or five, you can start adding some details about the fact that her birth mother must have loved her very much, and was very brave to make an adoption plan for her, but she couldn't take care of a child at that time in her life.

She may ask questions before that, so always be prepared to give her simple but truthful answers. If she doesn't bring up the subject herself, bring it up once and awhile so she knows it's okay to talk about it. And just have most of these conversations in front of your son, so that he becomes aware of it naturally.

As they get older, you can add the part about how you were very surprised to learn that your son was on the way, but were so happy to have children by adoption AND by birth.

littleJaina

My parent had me, then couldn't get pregnant again. They then adopted two of my brothers as toddlers (22 months and 3 yrs old). Almost immediately they had another son (and two more in later years). There was never a time when we didn't know the boys were adopted...

The same was true for my childhood best friend. She had an older brother that was adopted immediately before she was conceived (He was born March 1st, and she December 30 of the same year). I met them before I started Kindergarten, but I can never remember a time NOT knowing her brother was adopted - even though he was adopted as an infant. It didn't seem to make much difference to her that he was adopted and her little sister wasn't.

Jamie N

I am much in the same boat as yourself... Our son is now 5. I have always talked openly about it. He was adopted from russia so we talk about the plane ride and the snow.. He understands more now, and asks questions. We had a biological daughter a couple years ago, and he was still too young to understand, and i am pregnant now, so he will ask about labor, or the umbilical cord and i answer him honestly and easy by saying it was a labor of love to get him, or that his umbilical cord was 5000 miles long... he is happy with the answer.. i am compfortable with thequestioning, and when he wants true hard answers we will both be better prepared i believe

Cartier

In my opinion, you need to have a casual conversation with her about your family's story now. Just a few sentences and then move on. If she has questions answer them as simplly as possible- so she knows it alright to ask. I think it's easier for both children to know how your family was created early on so there is no surprise later.

My son is almost 3 and a half. He knows he was adopted into my family. Every once in a while he'll bring the topic up and we talk and then move on. At his age, I usually end the conversation with, good job for telling me what you feel... whatever it was he said.

Congrats on your two new editions!
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Thanks for sharing Miss Jersey.
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Justine- Get the H@ll over yourself. I thanked her because her comment is insightful... which as I was reading, felt yours was too. J@sas Krist!

~jenn~

You have several years before telling the children..Don't sweat it, JUST ENJOY them now..I had children prior to meeting my husband when we married, he adopted them (my children's father didn't see them) My son who was 9mo when I met my husband always thought he was his daddy..Both of my children we told at about 8/9 yrs (maybe even 7) My husband loves them just the same. (I have a sealed enevelop will the court documents and legal papers so when my children become 18 they can if they chose to find the bio parent)
You want to make sure they are able to understand what your going to tell them. Reassure your daughter and son that they are both yours and you love them jsut the same. My son had a melt down when he find out, but all is fine now and he understands that he is loved and always was.
PLEASE don't treat the little girl any differently than your son (except that one is a girl and one is boy) Try your best to keep them equal. God Bless you and Enjoy you little ones!

Jennifer D

I would wait until the adopted child is old enough to understand. I say around 7 or older.

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