Adopted child and biological child?

Cool Hal

Hi Jackie

I know you asked for adoptive parents input I was the adopted child so I can probably explain how I felt better than someone can explain how they thought I felt. To be honest I am not the biggest fan of adoption but you didnt ask about that so I will try and answer the question that you did ask.

I was adopted as my parents didn't think that they could conceive - about 5 years later my younger brother was born. Although I didnt feel threatened by it at the time (I was too young to understand the difference really) Did it change the family - yes at certain times it did.

I can recall one time when my brother had to go into hospital for an operation I mum crying saying whilst it shouldn't be different it was - man that hurt. There were a couple of other instances.

Please dont get me wrong, if you only take the above it sounds as if I had a horrendous childhood and nothing could be further from the truth - we had our ups and downs (more ups and less downs than most to be honest) there were just a couple of niggling memories.

But did I seek therapy? â€“ no but I am from the UK and we donâ€™t go for that kinda thing as much as you guys do. I do have issues with being adopted but I donâ€™t have issues with a biological sibling.

Was their sibling rivalry? â€“ hell yes, was it worse because we werenâ€™t biological? me and my brother never considered it. We are brothers simple as that.

Do I feel second best? - no but I am very confortable in who I am, I am proud of my acheivements. I had the help and support of my adoptive parents but I stand or fail on my own. That is true regardless of being biological or adopted.

However one of my friends growing up was the adopted son of someone who was also TTC and they gave birth 7 months after adopting and it was clear the biological son was the second coming of christ and my friend was only there to serve him.

I guess that different parents handle things very different - and you whilst you wont know how it will affect both you and your husband you need to consider everything.

Possum

Adoptees are second best.
That's just the facts.
Most people really really want a bio child of their own.
(you're trying fertility treatment yourself)
An adoptee was also given away by their own bio family.
Adoptee's just have a hard time of things however you slice it.

What an adoptee needs is a-parents that really 'get' the complexities of being an adoptee.
You must allow the adoptee to acknowledge and know (if possible) his/her bio family, history & truth.
An adoptee comes from somewhere else - and to pretend otherwise is hard going for adoptees.
My a-parents had 2 children - then adopted me 13 yrs later.
I'm pretty sure now as an adult that they loved me as much.
BUT - I didn't feel that way when I was growing up - because I didn't feel as worthy - or that I fit in the same as the bio kids.
Adoptees don't need to be told they're silly for thinking such ways either - they need empathy and understanding - and time to work through things. It's not normal to be taken from one family and handed over to another - complete strangers. It all takes time.
Therapy - absolutely look into it - but you as parents need to also understand the issues well - or your attitude could be the making or breaking of the adoptee - ultimately.
If you can not conceive - your also both need to grieve that - and perhaps seek therapy yourselves - as an adoptee will not be that bio child you long for - and to place such pressure on an adoptee to fill that mold - is unfair.
Love your children unconditionally.
Do try very very hard not to compare.
An adoptee will NOT be a bio replica of you and your husband - and that may grate at times.
I also agree with a poster above - do be very careful with timing.
A child from foster care is most likely going to require your full and undivided attention - especially in the beginning.
It would be unfair to make them step aside - because you wanted a bio child at the same time.
Above all - it's about the child and what is absolutely best for that child.

I wish you well.

ETA: yes - good - you will call the adoptee your own - but to the adoptee - they may feel that they belong to both sets of families - and the adoptee should be allowed to think that if they so wish.
Being adopted doesn't wipe the first family - or those bio links - off the planet.
Those links exist.
You, as an adoptee may not wish to acknowledge those links - that's your choice. Please don't make your adoptee choose sides just for your sake.
That would be unkind.

monkeykitty83

I know many families who have adopted and biological children, and it works fine. As long as you provide equal love but understand they have some different needs and respond accordingly, you can make it work.

However, to be blunt, your timing DOES concern me. Dealing with a foster child's transition (which can take a lot of time, energy, and patience) and having a pregnancy and then newborn at the same time is really quite a lot. I'm afraid someone's going to be short-changed... and I predict it's going to be the foster child.

You can have both biological children and adopt within your lifetime, but I think doing them at the same time is setting yourself up for failure. I think that you need to choose either adoption OR fertility treatments to pursue for now, and whichever you pick, put the other on hold till your life settles down again.

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1

there is no way of getting around this:

your REAL kid is your real kid. your adoptee is your adoptee.

adoptee's know this. it's a fact.

ETA:

jackie- i respect your feelings about being your parents kid, but there IS a difference, and i think if you do not recognize that, then you should not adopt.

parenting an adoptee IS different than parenting a "real" kid. it just IS.

Rachel.

aww no my mom had me and my brother and then adopted my sister.
and they treat her just like us and she has never felt sad or left out. my dad and mom make sure that shes treated really good just like us and has just as much as us. so theres never any question. and she knows shes adopted and never had any problems shes really really smart. and so it'll all be good. i promise.

Rii

As long as you show them both you love them there is no problem :)

Randy B

My 16 year old is adopted from India. My 13 year old was born to my wife and I and our 9 month old was adopted as well. None of my children have any issues with adoption vice "born to" (well, the baby doesn't voice an opinion yet but she seems happy enough). It's always been a source of pride for us as a family. They know they are loved completely, equally and unconditionally.

As far as making a differentiation between adopted and non adopted children, thats kinda hard for us not to do. One is East Indian, one is Caucasian and one is First Nations so it's not as though we all look alike. If people haven't met my children but know we have adopted and ask which one is adopted, meaning the oldest...middle....or youngest we just say that we can't remember. It makes for some funny looks of realization when people actually see them.

Sabrina

adoptees are not second best to whoever suggested that.

i am adopted.i was adopted into a family of four biological boys.I came with my sister who is the same age (not my twin) when some drama went down, my dad ALWAYS favored me over the brother i was having issues with.

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