Adopted children/adults please answer?

PhilM

I'm not glad I was adopted. I don't know how to be glad for suffering that sort of loss so young in life.

I do not resent my (adoptive) family, nor do I blame them for my situation.

I do not see my (adoptive) family as blood because they aren't blood. They are my family, however. It's just not the same as being blood related.

Here are some books that might give you a better understanding of adoptees' experiences. (These do not offer just one perspective. The books cover a multitude of experiences and reactions.) I think they should be required reading before anyone adopts.

* "Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self" by Brodzinsky, Schecter, and Henig

* "Journey of the Adopted Self" by Betty Jean Lifton

* "The Primal Wound" by Nancy Verrier

Mei-Ling

"Are you glad you were adopted or would you have been happier to have been given up but never adopted?"

Both. Sometimes I'm very happy with my life and wouldn't wish for anything to be different, and other times I feel like I was misplaced - growing up away from the place I was meant to grow up.

"Are you glad you were adopted or would you have been happier staying with your birth parent/parents?"

I don't glorify my biological parents. I know who they are. They're not famous, they're not rich, they're not abusive, they're not neglectful. They're just ordinary people who loved me very much.

So I can't say if I would have been happier. The chance for a secondary life doesn't exist yet.

"Do you resent your adopted parents for adopting you or blame them at all for your situation?"

No, I recognize that they are human. What I do resent is that I didn't have any choice, and that they probably would not like to acknowledge the ramifications of having adopted me.

"Do adopted children see their adopted families as their own blood families or is there always that border?"

*blinks*

My adoptive family does not share my blood or genetics. They are my family but I did not come from them.

cantstopLinnyG

What Phil and Katie said.

In addition:

Im glad I was adopted, but not glad I was relinquished, if that makes any sense.

There is no way of telling if I would have been "happier" with my n family, but I know I would not have a hole in my soul if I did.

Why would I resent my a parents? They couldn't conceive, I was "available". I do not blame them, nor do I resent or blame my birth mother for doing what society told her she must do.

I will never think of my parents as "the enemy", I see society and a coercive adoption system as the enemy.

While my a parents are not blood relatives, they are my family. But, I also have another family who ARE related to me through blood. To not want to know and love them would make no sense, and go against everything my parents taught me about love and family.

If you can have a child of your own, do it. Or, become a foster parent.
Read the books Phil mentioned. Adoption is surrounded in loss. Our birth parents lost us, our a parents lost the ability to conceive, and we lost our natural families. One family's loss was another family's gain.

Randy B

Sure, I'm glad I was adopted. I'm sure I wouldn't have liked not having been adopted and staying in foster care till I was 18.

I'm glad I was adopted and since I don't know what my birth parents situation was I can't say if I would have been happier staying or not. (My crystal ball STILL isn't back from the shop. I should call about that today)

My situation? Damn right. I blame them for my situation. If it wasn't for them I wouldn't be happy, healthy and successful in my family life and career. I'll always blame my adoptive parents for that.

The only way you will ever be seen as "the enemy", in my opinion anyway, is if you allow yourself to be seen that way. Love your children unconditionally, raise them the best way you can and in their best interests and you will do fine. It's not your job to be a friend to your children. It's your job to be a parent and that involves making unpopular decisions sometimes.

Mommy of 2

I wasn't legally adopted but raised since birth by my maternal grandparents, and I can say that in my case... my mother not raising me was the best thing for me. She was a single mother with a husband in prison (sisters bio dad), and although she worked very hard, she was wanted to move on with her life.

Perhaps her initial plan was to settle and take us with her but that did not happen - because by then I had a Mommy & Daddy. I loved them with all my heart, and we were not rich by any means. I think it's made me see that a family is made of hearts and not money.

Now I have adopted 2 children (bio mom is my 1st cousin) and I could not imagine how me adopting them would make me the enemy. They spent 4 1/2 yrs in a foster home where both were being abused in any way you can think of. Life with their bio mom was what made them wards of the state to begin with.

Will you regret adopting - who knows, but I can tell you that it is not easy, as you as an adoptive parent will most likely have to help them cope with all the bs they've been through and you'll most likely want to tear your hair out in the process, but adoption isn't about regrets or mistakes or even figuring out who is to blame for the stuff you or your kids deal with but about second chances.

I don't know how old you are or whether you are even in a position to be a parent, but perhaps you should volunteer at a group home or try contacting your DCS and asking about Respite care... every case is different, every family is different, but one thing is for sure.... these kids need someone to care!

Dreamweaver ILF posse 2009

The first question is a non-question. I am adopted. I don't know what its like to NOT be adopted so there is NO way I can answer this.
I love my parents so I'm not sure what u mean

I'm actually quite well adjusted and happy

BOTZ

"Are you glad you were adopted or would you have been happier to have been given up but never adopted?"

There is ZERO chance that I would have been "given up but never adopted" because I was a newborn. That was a hot commodity then (1972) and is ever more so now.

"Are you glad you were adopted or would you have been happier staying with your birth parent/parents?"

I would have been infinitely happier staying with my natural mother and/or father. I know a lot of people say that I "could never know that for sure" but, in my case, it's more a matter of what my adopted life was like (abusive) and the fact that both my natural parents went on to have other children and NONE of them has ever been abused. I would have, without the slightest hint of doubt, been happier with EITHER of them (or both of them).

"Do you resent your adopted parents for adopting you or blame them at all for your situation?"

Yes, I do. But, once again, that is because I was adopted and THEN abused. I have one 'sister' (I don't really consider her a sister) who is the natural child of my adoptive parents and SHE is the ONLY child (of four) that was never abused. My a-parents did not WANT to adopt children. They adopted because they were expected (by their family and their church) to have a large family and they couldn't have one "in the usual way" (their words).

"Do adopted children see their adopted families as their own blood families or is there always that border?"

How could we? My BLOOD family is the family with which I share blood...DNA...genetics.

You are aware that adoption is a social/legal construct only and does not actually change a child's genetic make-up, right? A blood family is a blood family. An adoptive family is not, and cannot be, a blood family. Being adopted does not erase the family of NATURE and ORIGIN -- at *best* it adds another family for the child. (I didn't get a *best*, though...I got abusive strangers that I was forced to call 'mom' and 'dad', forced to say that I loved, and forced to claim I was 'grateful' to and 'lucky' to have). I did not love them. They did not love me. I am most certainly not grateful and I was NEVER lucky to have them.

Daisey Duck

Yes I am glad I was adopted as who knows what might of become of my life if I hadn't been.. I love my parents with all my heart. I miss them dearly as they are both gone. I don't resent or have bad feelings for them as they gave me the best life they could. They were not the reason I was taken away so there is no reason to have bad feelings towards them for what happened. I have always thought of them as my blood family. I do have bad feelings for the first set of adoptive parents I had as they were very abusive, and no one has the right to abuse a child. As for my first parents I have a deep love for my mother as she was a victim of society. My father was another story and I have no love for him. I don't know what my life would have been like if I had stayed with my mother. It would have been different that's all. I do know alot of my original family and they are great people. I'm just happy for the life I have had and for the people who loved me and for the people I love.

marycollette@rocketmail.com

I am adopted and I havew always been grateful that I was adopted. I don't know where I would be if I hadn't been. Everyone's situation is different. You just have to go with your heart. I support adoption 100%.
My husband and I have a 10-year old daughter by birth and we are hoping to adopt another child after we go through te classes. Good luck in your endeavors!

average jane

My biological parents were young and unwed...they didnt' even stay together. So, I was adopted by wonderful people as an infant. THEY are my parents. I hold no blame towards them, but I was only a baby. A lot of what you are talking about would only come inot play if you adopted an older child. But, every child is different, so there is no way of predicting how anybody would feel.

chazas

I wouldn't say I'm "glad" to have been adopted. I do love my adoptive parents and they love me. But I also recently reunited with my natural mother and she is great, too. I don't think it would have been realistically possible in 1961 for her to keep me.

I am discovering that while there are some wonderful traits that appear to have come from my natural mother, many things also are clearly the result of the loving environment in which I was raised.

I don't blame my adoptive parents one bit. But I'm not sure that would be the case if I were adopted today. We know a lot more about the effects of adoption on the child and the natural mother - it's not all about the happiness of the adoptive parents. I would definitely blame an adoptive parent today who goes into adoption with rose-colored glasses on. If you are thinking about adoption, I urge you to avoid the complex issues raised by international adoptions. And definitely do not do a closed adoption. Your child should know where he or she came from.

I love Chris!

1) I am happy i was adopted, because it gives me the feeling that i will stay in the same place, and not go from foster home to foster home
2) I know life would be different, but I wonder what my life would have been like if my birth parents decided to keep me.
3) I don't blame my birth parents because I know they were just out of high school, and they wanted me to have a better life then they could provide, and as far as I know, they didn't stay together long after I was born.
4) My (adoptive) family is my family. Although I share the same DNA as my birth family, I feel like my (adoptive) family is more like my birth family.

Adoptive families cannot be blood families no matter how close they are, or how much they like each other. Although an adoptee might consider their adoptive family their only real family, they are not their true blood family, and they never can be.

HerHusband

I am so glad that I was adopted. I landed in a loving family that was full of kids. My adoptive parents were able to offer me so much more that my 15 year old, 8th grade education biological mother could have. I have had a truley wonderful life. My parents explained things to us from a young age (my 3 sisters are also adopted). We have all had a struggle to two about it... but overall we are all fine and happy and well adjusted people. You should definately adopt. I cannot wait to adopt, even though I plan on making a few kiddos of my own.

Maddie

Well, i wish i was adopted..
Me and my little sister both. Im 16 she is 5.
I would be happy if i was adopted.. and i cant say that i would have been happier staying with my birth parents because for most kids like me thats not an option for us.
How can someone resent their adopted parents, they are only helping you!
I think if i was adopted it would be difficult at first because it would take some adjusting, but i would never see them as the enemy..and soon yes, i would consider them my real (blood) family. =) i would be very thankful.

Emma L

simple answers:

Are you glad you were adopted or would you have been happier staying with your birth parent/parents? No, I am not glad I was adopted. Yes, I would have been happier staying with my birth mom.

Do you resent your adopted parents for adopting you or blame them at all for your situation?

Yes.

C Wood

I can't say I'm glad or sad that I was adopted. It was just a fact of life. I didn't want to be given up for adoption, but the choice was my mothers, not mine, and she had her reasons.

I can't stay I'd have been happier to not have been given up. That didn't happen. I can't know how I would feel today if I had not been given up.

For the same reason, I can't say if I'd be happier staying with my birth parents as mom took us and ran, so I think she was abused, but the memory is vague.

I don't resent my adopted parents. My AM wanted a child. My AF didn't. I don't blame them for my situation today. I raised myself and did a good job of it.

You cannot change how your adopted child sees you in any major way. If you raise an adopted child as your child and you love the child and do not abuse it, then you've done your job right. Children raised by their birth parents often go through periods of seeing the parents as "the enemy". So what's the difference? You cannot guarantee your children, whether by birth or adopted will see you as the "perfect parent" which is what you sound like you are hoping for. If you NEED this kind of acceptance, then I think you are not ready to adopt or to parent.

Some children see their adopted family as blood relatives.
Some see their AF as "the enemy".
For some there's always a border.
You cannot change how the child feels or sees things.
.... especially if you adopt an older child (which I was).

You're putting energy into worrying about things that will set you up for feelings of inadequacy and failure. You need to get past that fear of lack of perfection and accept that, as a parent, you'll do some things really great, and some things badly. You're human. So are the children, and they won't always see you as an idyllic, perfect parent. You shouldn't feel a need to be perfect.
cw

Enter Your Message or Comment

User Name:
User Email:
Post a comment: