Adopted children asking where they're from?

I have adopted two children in 2005 i adopted 16 yr old Samuel who was 13 at the time, when he was 13 he asked about where he was from as he had been in temporary foster homes since he was about 4. We took him to Nairobi for 3 weeks and took him to his home village , he met people who he was distantly related to and he saw many people living in crap homes, his relatives were horrible to him and we left early and stayed in a hotel for ten days, he was distraught at where the people were living and he made 3 little friends and he begged me to take them home with us, it broke his heart when i said no.

Then in 2008 ( exactly 1 year ago) i adopted a little girl Alexandra who is 13 now, she has asked me to take her to see where she was from, i have talk to the agency who have said that we should take the trip but im really unsure after what happened to Samuel, she is from Malawi and i believe her great grandfathers sisters daughter so her third cousin is still living there with her family of 14, i don't think we should take Alexie as it would hurt her, but am i being too harsh as i gave Sam that opportunity?

Shazzer 1

To be honest i think you should hold off for a while,give her loads of information and answer any questions she has,'she's bound to be curious' but if that was me i'd wait until she's alittle older and more equipped to mentally deal with where she came from.You say you've only had her a year so let her adjust to life with you first.Sorry to confuse you as clearly i disagree with everyone else but they don't have to deal with the emotional backlash like you do.Trust your own instincts on this one,do whats best for the family,not just one part of it and best of luck.

Lori A

I understand this is different than any other aspect of her life where you can't protect her from certain harms, (hurt feelings) but its important to her as a person, to know where she comes from. I'm not talking about you did it for your son, so you should do it for your daughter, I'm talking her, as a person, needs to know. Besides you have no idea if she will be accepted or rejected. It may be a totally different scenario for her. That carries its own discomfort for your family. If she is accepted, and your son was not, it may be awkward for him again, but that is no reason to not take HER to her home country. That is just another part of life you can not protect him from.

I sincerely hope you take the opportunity to show your daughter her heritage.

durdenslabs

If you took Sam then you should take Alexie. Sam found out where he was from, that it was not a good place and that his family was mean. He knows he's better off with you as his mom. :)
If you don't show Alexie she could think you love Sam more or don't want her to see where she's from because it could be better than where she is.

As Nike says, "Just do it."

sizesmith

I think that taking her can be an education, but also that Samuel should be told that in the best of adoption situations, that first families have some jealous issues, and that the shock of being reunited is kind of like being a deer in the headlights of an oncoming semi. Sometimes, you just freeze and don't know what to do, which even if it wasn't meant to be hateful, it could very well be taken that way.

To the family in Nairobi, imagine yourself in a situation where you were poor, people around you dying, and a distant relative showed up, from another country now, obviously with money, and riches beyond your wildest dreams (to them you're extremely rich), and how would you act?

Prepare your daughter for the disappointments of what can happen. Try to make it a pleasant trip around the adoption reunification. See the different sights and the good things about her native culture, visit the family after a few days of happy travels, and if it goes really well, then stay a little longer, and if it doesn't then go on to a happy type of vacation. Plan on staying in a hotel ahead of time. To stay with relatives in Nairobi, it could have been embarrassing to them, knowing your standards of living, and it could have been a lot more work to them and expense of things we take for granted. Good luck in your travels.

*7 Inch Heels*

You should give her a chance to see her family if she really wants too. You gave sam that chance and even though it wasnt a good experience he still got to see where he was from and im sure that ment a lot to him.

OriginalBubble

I think you should take her. Perhaps look it up on the internet first, show her what it will be like, how different it is.

jump!

I think it is the right thing to do, to allow a child to know where they are from and if you are fine about them meeting with any relatives. However i think they should be warned of how things may be and what they can expect or may experience, it could be that they then decide against the decision to go, at least for awhile until they feel ready. Hopefully your daughters experience will be more positive than your sons.

winkie 692

I'm with No 1 , you can't deny her .

Independ"ant"

Take her.....and prepare her a little better than you did Samuel on what to expect. Let Samuel and Alex know that the way they may be treated is not a reflection on him/her but on how locals feel about you (a foreigner) taking children away from their homeland. Many locals feel that you could/should have contributed to their community as an entity.

condle

Bring her. its only fair but warn her in advance about what happened to Sam

Minnimouse

I think she should visit. I really praise you for allowing them to see the truth. Even though it was painful for Sam, in the future he may appreciate the fact that you took him and will perhaps motivate him to do something himself for similar families.

If you think 13 is young, perhaps it might be a good idea to take her when she is a little bit older. But you know her maturity and whether she can cope with the emotional side to it. Even if she does find it difficult to visit, she can always confide in her adoptive brother about his similar experience. She definitely won't have to suffer alone.

Good Luck.

Annie M

You are the parent and responsible for making decisions. I thought the adoption process was tough, yet you are on here asking strangers about how to handle a situation!

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