(Adopted people only) How does it make you feel...?

julie j

"Chosen" is a word that is suppposed to make an adoptee feel better about being adopted.

In the first place, it's not really accurate. What actually occurred was the adopters CHOSE to become parents that way. They didn't CHOOSE any particular child. The fact is, they eagerly accepted whatever child they were offered. If it wasn't you, it could just as easily been another child. The point being, it doesn't really matter to the adopters because they still got a child by choice.

What choice did the adoptee have in all this? I think it emphasizes to the adoptee that their purpose of being here is to fulfill the adopter's dreams, not their own. It also makes a child feel different, and not really in a good way. I've known some adoptees who did feel special when they heard themselves called "chosen" when they were younger only to grasp the full meaning of "chosen" when they got older. To be chosen, one must first be "unchosen." I've also known adoptees who believed the "chosen child" story and conjured up images in their minds of children in orphanages, nurseries, or on store shelves, like commodities, waiting for a taker. Doesn't do a lot for the self-image.

Additionally, it lends the feeling that if one were "chosen," there might be a higher expectation of something in return from them to the adopters. Maybe that's where the "grateful" aspect comes in. It also doesn't acknowledge that for every family that "chooses" a child that way, another family loses a child, parents, & extended family that way.

It ranks somewhere up there with "gotcha day," meaning with some words, the relationship is not centered on the child, it's centered on the adopters who did the getting or the choosing, and are clearly the beneficiaries. So if that's supposed to make an adoptee feel better and special over all the other children who could have been adopted by them, even if well intended, I think it falls short.

Remember: When somebody "chooses," somebody else "loses."

julie
reunited adoptee

Possum

Confused.

Especially when teamed with the word special.

BUT - If I was so special and chosen - why didn't my own mother and family want to keep me????

As an adult - I now understand the reasons behind my relinquishment and adoption - but for a great deal of my childhood - it caused a hell of a lot of confusion and pain.

Made worse by my adoptive parents hiding facts about my origins - and not allowing me to openly talk about what upset me.

At one time - when very young - I started asking my a-mum about my f-mum. Very quickly my a-mum appeared very sad - and asked me not to talk about it ever again as it upset her!!

And I was the child.

THAT was wrong.

Really - NOT the best way to care for the emotional well being of an adoptee.

Rebel Cowgirl 10/13/07

well i am adopted when i was born my mom left me in the hospital and well the only thing she left me was a chain necklace and well it was hard to no that my mother did not want me and cleared her name from everything no one knows who she is she was 15 or 16 when she had me and well that hurts me everyday that everyone tells me that she hated me and did not want me in her life. i mean i have a family but still it is not the same

grumppopotamus

When I was a small child, it made me feel like i had picked out from among a group of babies, as though my parents went to the produce isle of a grocery store.

It didn't make me feel good about myself. Instead, I felt confused and doubtful. What about the other babies? Did they regret their choice?

The term "chosen" is misleading anyway. No baby was chosen. When you adopt, you get what you get. No choice about it.

dory

When people say that to me now I just want to roll my eyes and breath a heavy sigh for their ignorance.

When I was told that as a child it made me feel very weird. On one hand it made me feel like I should feel special when in fact I didn't and on the other it made me feel like I was picked off a shelf at a store instead of actually being born like everyone else. My birth was never talked about so I never had any connection to the fact that I was born - I was just chosen.

It also instilled in me the feeling that I better live up to what is expected of a "chosen" child. Nobody would choose a bad child so I better be good all the time and since my first mom didn't keep me, who was to say if these new parents would either.

Of course that was all fine and dandy until a few years later when I exploded emotionally and acted out in every way imaginable.

Chosen is a label that adoption agencies made up to make us compliant about our grief. How can a child grieve their losses when they are supposed to feel so special.

It's manipulative and demeaning. And besides - we aren't chosen - at least the vast majority of us aren't. I was the next baby in line and my adoptive parents were the next parents in line. It still happens that way when it comes to most international adoptions and with domestic adoptions alot of the times its the expectant mother doing the choosing. So it's just another lie to add to all the other lies designed to make the medicine go down easier.

mlassi65

I really want to tell the person who is saying I was chosen,, WRONG! I generally hold back while thinking that they can have no idea of my own adoption story. My nmom got preggers, someone knew my aparents had adopted and they got first dibs. Not chosen at all.

Minnimouse

I always knew I was adopted, I think I learnt it myself. I was adopted to a really bad home and I was taken away and adopted again. I remember vividly when I was 4 months old being torn away from my foster carer and I was crying and holding out my arms and I remember thinking why can't I tell them how I feel (obviously I wasnt talking then). My birth mother was schizaphrenic and my father left, social workers persuaded my mother to give me up , she didnt want to let me go. My birth grandad and my aunt visited every birthday and only on my 15 year did I find out who they were! I thought they were family friends, I didnt know that they were my birth family. This made me EXTREMELY angry, resentful and let down by my adoptive parents. I havent met my birth mother because both families recomend that I dont because of her illness. Someday I will find the courage.

I always remember not knowing my family history when asked at the doctor and feeling awqward in biology class when the teacher would talk about genetics and ask us to do tasks about what we have in common with our parents.

I also was very fustrated and still go through some grief and fear. When I met my birth aunt for the first time knowing who she was, it was incredable, was like looking at myself in the mirror, it was like finally, i looked like someone, i wasnt isolated, i had things in common with someone, not just because of chance!

I know how much my adoptive parents love me, but I have no love for them no matter how hard I try, but I am very very grateful for everything they have done for me and all the love they have showered me with.

PS I HATE that saying i was chosen, sounds like I was picked off the shelf at a shop

Also just to add to my own comment, when I met my birth aunt, when she walked up the drive she looked like an angel to me, it's very hard to explain the feeling, it's like all that searching and she looks better than I ever imagined.

I don't know my father, he left, got scared off, I often see middle aged men (esp with tattoos on the hands because of a small photo of him) and think, omg that might be my father. I used to do that with my birth mother's family but i have a photo of them now so I dont have that.

wendywhoosh66

I was adopted when I was six weeks old. I was told that I was adopted/chosen when I was old enough to understand. I have never really bought into the whole "chosen" thing. I do not believe I ever really bonded with my adoptive parents. My family is not close at all. I feel very disconnected from them. I am sure it is not this way for everyone, but my whole life I have looked in the mirror and wondered who I am. It is a strange feeling.

cancan

When I was first told I was adopted I didn't really understand much what that meant , I was quite young. I didn't understand much about how blood relations worked. My parents told me they weren't my blood mom and dad, I had no idea what that meant, then later my older brothers told me that meant they aren't my real parents.Even then I was kinda left confused(since I didn't know where babies came from, so I thought it mainly meant someone else raised me when I was a baby, and that this is a different person. It made me think "so this is a different person then the one who fed me" (I was actually thinking of the same person) It was confusing, but I adjusted and accepted that this is my new mom.A couple years later I found out that iti also meant that these weren't my real brothers. It wasn't till around 11 that I started to really understand what being adopted meant.
Well right now at age 15 I love my family, and sometimes I forget that were not blood related,however allot of the time I'm always curious on who my real parents were,I like to day dream and fantasies that they are very kewl people, other times I like to make myself feel lucky by thinking that they were poor and had little money and this nice family saved me from possible death from starvation or something, but at the same time that make me feel sad becuase then what happened to my real family ? Sometimes when I'm really mad, like family problems, in my head, I like to blame my problems on being the adopted one, I sometimes think maybe my real family would have been allot nicer and richer. It's weird always having that question pondering in my mind, "what is my blood family like ?"

I get along well with my adopted family, I feel like a part of the family most of the time, but there are moments when I'm really self conscious since I'm shorter then my brothers (I am of Hispanic heritage) Sometimes my older brother would joke around and say "we found you in a trash can" I try to laugh it off but it's a huge blow to the ego, it makes me feel like garbage.But my parents they try to be cultural to make me feels better, it does kinda make me feel better but it also makes me feel spoiled, like that have to go through all this trouble becuase I'm like some dumb cry baby. Lately I learned to appreciate more the life I have, compared to some other poor people out there I am pretty lucky.

kaluah96

It makes me mad. first of all she didn't choose me she chose my mother. not to mention it brings back that whole wholesale feeling, like they went to the store to pick the best one and then got mad cause the shirt had a spot on it and they couldn't return the purchase.

Smarty

Like I am wearing a Depends diaper all through my adulthood. Like every time I take a shower I am wearing a yellow rain slicker. Like someone came up to me and cut off my arm, stuck on a plastic one with a hook for a hand in it's place, and said, now this is better for you, and told me how "special" I am now and I should be grateful for my new arm.

Isabel A

Almost as bad as it makes me feel to be told I was a gift.

My parents didn't choose me. They got a phone call saying, "Hey there's a baby available!". And they said, "Sure!"
That's not chosen.

AND I am not a gift. Whoo boy, believe you me. Just ask my husband. *WINK*

But seriously, to tell any child that they are a gift, makes them a commodity, a non person. And it puts a huge responsibility. Gifts don't wet the bed at night. Gifts don't get C's in school. Gifts are wonderful, amazing and fun, fun fun. Gifts don't get appendicitis or stay out past curfew.

That's a lot of pressure on any kid.

Edited to say... so much for "adopted people only". Can't anyone read? Sheesh!!!

rox

IT makes me think of all the children who weren't saved.

It makes me feel like I don't deserve my life.

I wish someone else had been given the opportunity.

shootit247

I was young when my adopted parents told me so it didnt really bother me too much then. But.......as you get older there is a huge curiosity. i finally found my real family. Too late to meet my real mom but i do have a sister and we get along great. we looked for each other for 13 years1991-2003 My mom died the same year i started looking. Hope that helps you.

Adoptionissadnsick

What part of ADOPTED PEOPLE ONLY do some folks not understand....it's so irritating to hear other's speculation on what they think they'd feel if they were adopted....especially when they TOTALLY miss the mark, which non-adopteds typically will because it takes a very unique person to even begin to fathom the loss.

Being told i was chosen, makes me feel irritated. I was bought, not chosen. I was the baby that was available when my customers came along. Landing with my particular adopters was all just luck of the draw.

sunny

It makes me feel exasperated that people are determined to believe the adoption myth.

I was NOT chosen:

-Was not chosen by my bio family
-Was not the first choice of adoptive family-I was their LAST resort.
-Was not chosen by aparents at agency, I was next in line.

Ironically, when I met my natural mother, she told me she had 'no choice'. Her family wouldn't help (1964), there were NO social programs. And when she was (an still is) sad that we weren't together for my childhood, she is told by people that she 'made her choice'.

Pffft!

Heather B

I know it's a lie! even as a child I knew it was a lie. My parents were just the next on the waiting list- they never chose me!

I had recurrent nightmares throughout childhood about being 'chosen' I was on a shelf with a bunch of other kids waiting to be chosen, hopeful and anxious and rejected when a set of parents walked right by me and left me there, on the shelf.

Underlying the whole thing was the knowledge that I had been 'unchosen' by the most important person in my little life and didn't know why. So I concluded it must be because there was something wrong with me, that I must be unloveable or she wouldn't have left me.

I think the feeling of being unloveable is so deep-rooted that it makes it difficult to accept love, nuture and all the good things that come from the good parenting from adoptive family. It just doesn't make up for what's lost.

My parents thought I was just fine. They never knew what was going on inside the little mind of their adopted child. And I wouldn't have been able to articulate those feelings at that age in any case. I didn't have the words until I was an adult to understand what it was all about.

But being chosen, well, it doesn't always feel so good

Joy M

When someone says that to me, it just makes me think they are simple and stupid.

Laurel J

Furious, as if my experience, emotions and life before adoption are being denied. There is no magical cabbage patch where people go to pick out some perfect baby the fairies made just for them.

My first mother UN-chose me. Then the state of SC chose adoptive parents for me. They did a great job of putting me in a family that was right for me, but I wasn't chosen--at least not by my parents.

I understand that people mean well when they say this, but it's hurtful and ignorant.

klbjornme

I am an adoptee and I have always hated that phrase!!

I was not 'chosen' by anyone. My parents couldn't have children biologically, so they decided to adopt. Who they got was a crap shoot...basically the same way it is a crap shoot with biological children. I mean, yeah..you expect there to be some of you in your biological children, but think about it..there are throwbacks and more of one side of the family than the other.

But to say I was 'chosen' is insulting to my intelligence and to me as a person!

Petra

I was adopted by my dad and not told till I was 18. As for how I felt, it changed nothing. I still know who my dad is and I have also met by Bio-day and know him as well, my sister is my sister..There are no 1/2's, steps or adopted children in my family..just children. I have never felt slighted or wrong, or anything else. I also have never seen and org. Birth cirt and to be honest I do not know why it matters.

Tsunami

i thought i was speciall and i know i am. there is nothing wrong with that. i am 58 years old and to this day iknow i was lucky to be adopted instead of being witht he birth family and i would have had issues like my siblings and i am much better off. take care.

â™¥ Shell â™¥

I was adopted very young after having been left in a busy airport... my parents have always been upfront and honest with me about the fact that my mom can't have children so they adopted both my brother and I. Honestly, no one has ever said to me that I was chosen... My parents always told me that this was just God's plan - to allow my b-mother to bring me into the world and for my parents to raise me. I feel lucky to have been a part of 2 sets of lives and feel that each set of parents had lessons to learn and experiences to go through.

Katie Mack

Im adopted..and am in my early 60's.....
when I was a baby, most people didn't talk about adoption, admit to it, or disclose it to their adoptive children, like it was a dirty word, or a bad family secret....
My parents were diffrent...I always knew that I was Chosen, that I was special...
My mother, God rest her, had something she use to tell me when I was little...
"I didn't carry you in my belly....I carried YOU in my HEART"

Lysol

it makes me feel awesome... i WAS chosen! and hardly anyone feels betrayed! so what if we have different parents... it really makes no differece

Peter A

I was told as soon as I was able to understand the concept (probably when I was around 3, because my parents adopted my younger brother around that time).
I remember being very proud of being different from everyone else to the point of causing some embarrassment to my parents - I was always telling complete strangers that they weren't my "real Mummy and Daddy".
I also remember the day when we went to collect my brother - there was a room with around 4-5 babies in it and my sister and I wanted to pick another one as we thought that John was ugly.
I was very lucky to have been raised by two wonderful people, and they are my real parents no matter what anyone says. I have never met my birth parents, and I dont really have any desire to now.
I have come to understand that I was chosen by a couple who could not have any children of their own after my sister - and that they really wanted me. There was nothing unplanned and no surprises - they just really wanted to have me

goshrks07

Sorry, I'm not adopted, but I wanted to answer anyway.

IF I had been told I was adopted, I'm sure I would be shocked and betrayed. But I think once I would calm down, I would realize that I was adopted because someone WANTED me. Perhaps that person couldn't have their own children, or whatever the reason. I think I would also wonder why my biological parents didn't want me. But the older I get, I realize that mothers DON'T want to give their children up for adoption. It is the most difficult decision. I believe that when women give their children up for adoption it is because they love their children. They want their child to have a better life than they could provide. I really admire that. I do believe that adopted children should be told they are adopted from early childhood. Growing up knowing is a lot easier than being blind sited with that secret.

veronica l

well, at least u were chosen than left in the orphanage with no one choosing you. I woudl definitely be so proud and happy for the family adopting me.

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