Adoptees' experience and adoption reform?

PhilM

My experience? Better than some, worse than others...

I had parents that loved me. (They still do.) I had food to eat, clothes to wear, and (usually) a roof over my head. I was not beaten or verbally abused.

What I lacked was a sense of belonging, a sense of who I was, where I came from, a sense that I was understood and accepted for who I was (and am). I didn't fit. I don't fit. I lacked a sense of support for the growth that is necessary for becoming a whole individual. I lacked a sense of security that my parents were going to keep me and that I was loved unconditionally. (They may have loved me unconditionally, but I lacked a sense of it.) I lacked the sense of safety to talk about my feelings, my fears, my worries, and thus I internalized all of those. I lacked a sense of being connected to anything or anyone.

What does this have to do with reform? We cannot reform something that we don't recognize needs it. Society sees adoption as a good thing and stops with that. As a young adult, that drove me further underground (or into the closet, if you will), causing my problems to magnify.

People on this site, and elsewhere, want us all to accept the different experiences and respect each other's viewpoints. I do accept others had different experiences. But we cannot accept the view that adoption is simply a good thing. To accept that view, to respect that view, means to deny the experience of adoption as a complicated event in the lives of everyone it touches. Whether the bulk of someone's experience with adoption is positive or negative, it doesn't undo the complication that is adoption. If you accept that adoption can be negative, then you must accept that adoption is complicated. That it is not simply a good thing. It is, at best, a complicated thing.

The main focus of my reform efforts is aimed at education. The adoption experience needs to be unpacked. That cannot be done very well in short form Q&A. But it encourages me to know that some people have learned some things about adoption here.

Despite the repeated claims that I (and others) are anti-APs, that couldn't be further from the truth (for me, at least, and I believe many others). I am opposed to any simplistic (and usually overly optimistic) view of adoption because it denies the very fact of adoption and it's complications. It's a view that, if it continues, will lead to woefully unprepared PAPs. That will make both the parents and the children unhappier than they need to be.

I would hope a proper understanding of adoption would lead to fewer adoptions, and better prepared parents when adoptions are necessary.

Robin

My experience was less than perfect; a mixture of good & bad. Before finding this forum, I thought my story was rare. Yet, I am not against adoption. Nor have I ever been. I believe that, sadly, sometimes adoption is the best option for children to find a loving home.

Many of my concerns centered around the myths & stereotypes perpetuated in the media & in our culture about adoption. Before stumbling upon this forum, I knew nothing about the "baby scoop era". I was a baby from that era!

I wasn't aware of the push for open records, a movement I strongly support. I also strongly support adoption reform, making adoption more child centered, rather than about fulfilling the wishes of adults. Like you, I believe in the need to bring ethics & accountability into the adoption "industry". Because the lives of children are affected.

ETA: Phil, you just blew me away, too. I'm still processing those emotions, which as I said, before this finding forum I thought I was the only one to experience - the sense of "not belonging", or "not fitting in", among other things.

I have much to learn...

Heather B

Wow, this paragraph in Phil's answer just blew me away; I totally identify with this!

"What I lacked was a sense of belonging, a sense of who I was, where I came from, a sense that I was understood and accepted for who I was (and am). I didn't fit. I don't fit. I lacked a sense of support for the growth that is necessary for becoming a whole individual. I lacked a sense of security that my parents were going to keep me and that I was loved unconditionally. (They may have loved me unconditionally, but I lacked a sense of it.) I lacked the sense of safety to talk about my feelings, my fears, my worries, and thus I internalized all of those. I lacked a sense of being connected to anything or anyone."

I had a good experience and a wonderful family, I was very fortunate. I too get sick and tired of hearing that I must hate my adoptive parents or had a bad experience - those things are not mandatory to favor equal rights for adoptees and reformation of the adoption system. In fact my son is named after my adoptive father.

My adoptive mother just laughs at some of the things I tell her about people's attitudes toward sealed records and adoption reform in the USA. She simply says "They'll catch up eventually, dear" she also says the legislators are like reptiles "cold-blooded and not fully formed yet" gotta love my Mum.

No my experience of being adopted is entirely separate from my views on adoption reform

The only bad experience I've had with adoption is the ongoing social stigma, sealed records and losing my adoptive dad when I was still just a kid (oh and people who keep harping on about how grateful I should be to have been saved from the abortion mill!)

Mum wants to know how it's going - when WILL the USA catch up to the current century with regards to adoption - the world is laughing at you America, you old dinosaurs, you

Sorry this is long, I'm having a bad adoption experience today lol

LaurieDB

What one has to do with the other in the minds of some I'll never know. I guess that just can't fathom the idea that reforms are needed in adoption, so they just lash out at any adoptee who dares to speak such blasphemy.

Has anyone ever heard the phrase "there's always room for improvement?" Perhaps those who don't get it should just try to think of it that way and stop blaming their inability to understand on the progressive-minded adopted person's upbringing. I mean really, stop blaming the adoptive parents.

flutterbye71105

Not to be repetitive but I think tha Phil hit the nail on the head for the thoughts and feeling that so many of us adoptees go through.

I don't remember being told I was adopted. It seems like I always knew. My parents bought me books about adoption so that I could try to learn everything I needed to know. The problem was they kept the most important information hidden. When I became a teenager I would ask them a lot if they had any information about my biological family. They would tell me some things but it was never enough. Well one weekendwhile my parents were away and my grandmother babysat, I decided to look for my adoption info. I found everything, all of the information about my biological family, well not names of course but health and background info. As I read what my bio mom and grandparents looked like and what they liked I finally felt a connection to someone, I was able to say wow I have the same hair and eye color as my grandma and I like to play the piano just like my grandfather etc. Then I got to read about my bio dad who unfortunately never officially admitted paternity under advice of an attorney. I also found out that my mom never wanted to be with my dad anyways and I was an accident. I also learned that my bio mom did not ever want to find me or know anything about me. That is when I realized why my adoptive parents had hid this all from me. They knew that I was not ready to find out that the woman I wanted to know so much about and someday find wanted nothing to do with me. That ended up landing me in counseling but I got over it. At least I got over it until I found out I was pregnant last year. As I felt my son growing inside me I could not understand how anyone could go through that and then just give away their child. Once my son was born my resentment of my birth mother grew. When the Dr handed my son to me I could not imagine not raising him no matter what. I mean his father and I weren't married and we did not have a lot of money but we knew that we loved our son and would do whatever it took to raise him and give him a good life. Why couldn't my mother do that? Why couldn't she at least want to know that I am ok and that I turned out good? Doesn't she care what happened to me? How could you not?

Don't get me wrong my adoptive parents were wonderful, but I think every adopted child wants to meet their bio family at one point or another. I think that the laws need to change. Just because a mother decides when she gives up a child for adoption that she wants the records sealed doesn't mean that 18-20 years later she won't change her mind. I have looked into finding my b.mom but was told that if she asked the court to have the record sealed then there was nothing I could do. I asked if the court would at least try to contact her and see if she had changed her mind but I was told no once the record is sealed it stays sealed, and can only be opened in the case of a medical emergency like needing an organ.

I think this is ridiculous. Fine my mother wants nothing to do with me but what if I have siblings who would like to meet me? Don't they have a right to know that they have a sister out there somewhere. It is so hard for me because I live in the same small city where I was born and when I see someone out somewhere who bears a striking resemblance to me I can't help but wonder if they are related to me.

Peaness

It's okay being an advocate for something you believe in due to a terrible injustice & upset at a system that fails too many children and bioparents. That should not be labeled as having a bad personal experience. You haven't just accepted the fact that adoption isn't perfect & left it at that but actually want to do something about it.

I personally have had a fairly 'good' experience. Due to the fact that I was born out of the US a lot of what I see on here does not apply to me directly. As in I have not even considered to obtain a real copy of my birth certificate or search for my bio parents in order to gain access to health-related issues. In that sense it doesn't bother me if people choose to fight for their rights, as that should be their right (not something they should have to jump through hoops & be turned down) or if they're like me accepts their current situation as is.

The world as a whole needs a wakeup call to show people how adoption shouldn't be a game, a profitable industry or how it's proccesses are far from perfect. There are a lot of great adoption stories out there but if one child is mistreated, aparents or bioparents misled then something needs to be done.

busyB

I have had a great life growing up and couldn't be happier about my adoptive parents. why are people accusing you of having a bad experience? i never knew my biological parents and honestly don't care to or want to know. I wasn't adopted till i was nine years old but i still had a great childhood.I just know that my family now loves me more than anything else and provided me with the best in life. I don't have my real birth certificate but thats ok with me. I am just thankful and happy overall!

Kym M

Yeah I agree Phil said it all. :)

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