Adoptees: At what age were you told that you were adopted? And how were you told?

kateiskate

I was told as early as I can remember because I'm a transracial adoptee and it was extremely obvious that I was adopted. Not looking like my family increased my emotional trauma tenfold.

Kristina L

i was 9 been messed up ever since. lied to my whole life i ended up going from straigt a's honor roll to a mean person it was me myself and i still is always will be

SJM

I've always known. I don't really remember how I was told. I just always knew. My brother was adopted when I was almost three. I knew he was adopted, and he always knew also. The story wasn't traumatic. It was the standard BSE propaganda line. "Your mother was young. She wasn't married, and she wanted you to have both a mother and father. So she loved you enough to send you here." I always knew it was light years from the truth. It was the ''60's. You didn't have to look any farther than the evening news to know there was a major cultural transition in the works. Besides, my aparents were over 30. That meant they shouldn't be trusted. ; )

I guess I was just never a fan of kool-aid.

Crucio

I would guess that it was sometime when I was 3 since that was when I was official adopted though Iâ€™d been with my family since I was 3 weeks old. I canâ€™t remember when I was first told I was adopted or how but as long as I can remember Iâ€™ve known I was adopted.

Downtown

Very Young i cant even remember thats how young i was

cantstopLinnyG

I don't know, and I don't know.
To be brutally honest (which I usually am, no edit button) I sometimes wondering if being told at so young an age actually made it worse. I was not able to fully comprehend the enormity of the loss, or understand the loss, therefore, I do not think I was able to properly deal with the grief. I have struggled with the grief my whole life, because it was very evident the subject made my parents uncomfortable.

My a parents did everything by the book. They still HAVE the book, lol.
They told me right away. But I do not remember the exact words, but if I ever brought up the subject again, I got, "Your mother loved you so much she gave you away for adoption", or "You were chosen", or "You were our special gift, our angel".

They said those things because they were told to say them. They were told if they loved me enough, I would never talk about my f mom, nor would I search for her. That sets adoptees and their parents up for a lifetime of guilt.

To a child, those words are so extremely confusing, and traumatic. I have posted this before, but when my a parents had my sister when I was almost 6, I cried when they brought her home from the hospital. When my Grandma and Mom asked me why I was crying, I said it was because I did not know why they didn't love my baby sister. When they asked me why I would say such a thing, I simply said, "Mommies who love their babies give them away."

We were not chosen. I figured out that was a lie when we went to pick up my brother at the orphanage in 1970. The nuns allowed me to go back to get him with them. They told me I was "going to get to go pick out a new baby brother for my Mom and Dad." They brought me into a room where there were several cribs. There was only one baby, lol. I looked at the nuns and said, "This all you got?" No kidding. My Mom and Dad still laugh at that story today...but I learned that very day, there was no "choosing".

I think the intentions were good when society told a p's to say those things to their adopted child, but as we now know, the road to he!! is paved with good intention. I am extremely lucky in the fact that after 22 years in reunion, my a parents know that I am much more "whole" now that I know my n family. They definitely raised me to have no limitations on whom I could love.

Even though I think never telling an adoptee they are adopted should be a crime, Im not quite sure what the age SHOULD be. Certainly not once they are teenagers, but not before they are able to somewhat comprehend. It is their story, but it needs to be told in a way which is less damaging.

Maybe just the simple facts, "you didnt grow in my tummy, you were adopted" would suffice until they are a little older, maybe 4 ish, and then get a bit more intimate with the details.

Jackie B

I was adopted upon birth. My parents were really young and couldn't afford to take care of me. I was told at the age of 6, and I was told because my parents were watching "Coach" and the main character's daughter was pregnant and putting the child up for adoption. I then went around the house with a baby doll in a stroller yelling "my baby's adopted!" My parents decided to tell me then, and I had no emotional problems from it. I actually just met my birth parents and we have a great relationship together so far. I am 18.

Possum

Too young to remember.
Always given the 'special & chosen' blurb.
(which didn't make sense as I grew older)

I'm glad that I always knew.

I think my 'emotional trauma' came from not being allowed to know more when I asked to know more.
The pained look on my a-mothers face made me shut up - and I wasn't allowed to voice what I felt in side because it hurt her!! (meanwhile - I was the child that asked for answers - and the forced silence and insistence for gratitude caused far more trauma in the long run)
I played the 'happy' adoptee for most of my life - it was the way to survive.
But I always wanted to know my truth.
Now, finally, I know.
It would have been easier if I was allowed my truth at a far younger age.
All humans deserve their truth.
And not the disney-sweet version that many a-parents think is the best for adoptees to know.
Adoptees DON'T fall from the sky. They come from somewhere else - from others that are biologically related.
To hide that truth is cruel.

Anha S

My amom started telling me my adoption story the day they brought me home. She said it was more for herself than anything, she wanted to be able to handle the subject calmly and openly when I started to have questions. I can't remember a time that I didn't know that I was adopted, and I think that was the best way to go on that.

AdoreHim

First of all, unlike some adoptees I have had no emotional trauma, but I think that being told at a very early age, may have been part of the reason I had no problem with being adopted. I do not even remember when my parents told me, probably before I even truly understood the word. My husband and I adopted 2 children also, and we told them before they even could comprehend it all.

Dreamweaver ILF posse 2009

I was adopted at 2 days old. I was told when I was 4 or 5
My mom used to come in while I was in the bath and tell me stories about when she was a little girl. One night she sd she had a different kind of story. It was the story of my bmom and how I came to live with them. She handled it VERY well! lol My baby book is actually an adopted child baby book but I just never really noticed (hey,I was 5)

I remember being scared for weeks that some stranger would come and take me away from my parents (my bmom) and my brother tells a story that when he came to give me a kiss that night I told him I was adopted but he was still my brother (he cries. lol)

Never felt traumatized.

Sue M

I was around 7-8 my mam and dad sat me down with a book called Jane is adopted and went through the whole book referring to jane as me, it was very easy on me and i kinda just went along with it and as I got older and realized what exactly it was, I am ok with it. Im just grateful to be given a good start in life that I may not have got otherwise.

Im 25 now, still have the book..

Randy B

I've known since I was young enough to comprehend and I've done the same thing with my own adopted children. I don't think it increased any emotional trauma and in fact it may have eliminated any emotional trauma since I've never really felt any over my adoption. My oldest daughter is about the same and the youngest is too young to talk yet but I'd hope she would be the same way as well.

gibberish

I was told from the very beginning and never recall the moment at all. This is how it should be.

Rowan

i was told when i was 7. my parents sat down with me and my twin brother one evening after school. They explained things to as, as much as we could understand at that time.

i dont think it had anything to do with any emotional turmoil.

ETA: never fails to amaze me how because i wasnt a traumitized child, i get thumbs down. If it makes you all feel better, the emotional turmoil came later. AND my bio parents were the cause, trying to force themselves into my life when i was not ready or able to cope with them.

Annabelle

I am one of the few Adoptee's who has never had an issue with their adoption...i have never felt 'abandoned' but for some reason people do not believe me? which puzzles me!
I was always aware of being adopted, and my adopted mother stated many times in my life she was so happy i came into her life.

My reunion with my birthmother has not gone as well as i had hoped, there is no connection, no bond. She is a woman who gave birth to me, not mothered me.

sam22254

The couple told my grandson and he's 3 the funny thing is he isn't adopted nor can he ever be. Boy talk about messing up a child

Kiki

My parents told me my adoption story as my bedtime story when I was growing up. Personally, I think that is the best way. I have no memory of every not knowing I was adopted and therefore never had they traumatic experience of finding out I was adopted.

I love Chris!

i was adopted when i was 3 days old. I have known i was adopted since i was about 3 I think. It hasn't really effected me that much. I am glad my parents told me at a young age, because I have grown up knowing that I was adopted. And when I get to be an adult, and I figure out some how that I am adopted, I won't be mad at my parents for keeping one of the biggest secrets from me. I don't personally remember how i was told, but my dad says that my mom just sat me down one day, and told me that I was adopted. I didn't cry, I didn't get mad

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