Adoptees: Did you have a job or role to fill in your adoptive home?

Problem Child

My job was exactly as the example you gave...except I was the female my mother couldn't produce.

I remember asking her why they adopted me, and her saying, 'well...I wanted a girl, and was afraid I would have another boy'.

Even as a kid, this did not make me feel special at all...instead it made me feel like I was only wanted for my gender, and if I had been a boy...she wouldn't have wanted me.

I also failed miserably in my job to be the perfect little girlie doll my mother wished for. Instead of loving the pink room, ballet lessons, and frilly dresses she tried to force on me...I wanted a room painted blue, horseback riding lessons, and to wear jeans and sneakers.

Once she realized I wasn't going to be "that" little girl that she had dreamed of having...I was pretty much ignored for the rest of my childhood...and kicked out of the house at the first opportunity she got.

cruzgirlz3

Yes, I was the "good girl" my sister never bonded with my mom. She was five years older and the oldest, also adopted. My brother was the perfect son, my sister was a disappointment. They had another to fulfill my mom's wishes to have a daughter to shop with, dress up, keep her company etc... My dad pretty much is very McCain-like in that he claims he never wanted to adopt a third and that I was a surprise to him. I pretty much filled the bill and never got into much trouble while my sis became the off-the-charts rebel girl.
I am however, close to my parents and my sibs. I had a nice upbringing, but I was always pretty aware that I was my mother's daughter. It was smothering at times but I always felt loved.

celtic.piskie

All children should be loved for who they are, not what they can do for someone.

I was their marriage and infertility savior.
It showed when they had my 'miracle' sister. She was their 'real' baby, and i was surplus to requirements.

I wasn't sent back, again, I was tolerated.

Again, they kicked me out first chance they could, again preachers and church leaders.

I think their claim was, 'god realised you were a problem so he gave us a proper daughter'

Children should be loved for who they are, not for what they can do ! Is that really so much to expect??

Mei-Ling

sunny: I was the child to replace the ghost child. So no - because they let me be myself, and yes, because if they could have conceived, they would have never known about my existence.

AdoreHim: What happened to being grateful?

I am appreciative I have a good life and parents. But ANY child, adopted or not, deserves that. I am not grateful I lost my original parents, I am not grateful that I lost my original language, culture and siblings.

LaurieDB

Well, it was pretty clear that their own child would have been the preference. Four miscarriages and 9 years into the marriage, I was adopted. Voila -- along came my brother (their bio child.)

I am glad that my aparents didn't stick me on a back burner, though. I never got the feeling that they thought didn't want me anymore. Honestly, I'm glad they had him. I think it would have felt like a big responsibility after all that to be the only kid. I worried enough as a kid that I wasn't being good enough. (I was the over achieving type.)

Adore Him: grateful? Why should she be grateful. They are the ones who wanted kids, and they got kids. They ought to be grateful to her! What makes you think her nmom didn't want her, anyway? A lot of assumption go into that "grateful" thinking.

Gershom

I had a home so don't anyone go tell me I should be grateful for being adopted because I didn't have one. My mother also wanted me, so please don't assume she didn't just because I was adopted.

Now, onto the answer... Yes, I was the solution to infertility and a marriage saver. I failed at both HA!

Not Adopted

It should be illegal to adopt based on gender.

Wanting to adopt based on gender indicates the adopter is shallow and is adopting only to meet his/her own needs, not the needs of the child.

Adoption should only be about finding homes for children who truly need one. It is not for finding children to "complete" or "build" a family.

Romany

My answer should be prefaced with the fact that my adoptive parents NEVER wanted me to know I was adopted.

My amom married at 19. Her first pregnancy was a miscarriage at 5 months. They tried to conceive for five years and then - finally - I was born (to whom, well, that's another story). My sister (their bio) was conceived when my adoption became final.

My amom wanted a prince (he was born ten years after me) to replace the boy child she lost. Other than that - she wanted a "popular" outgoing girl who would find a rich husband and give her grandchildren. I was a shy intellectual. My sister was also shy and introspective. So much for the "outgoing" gal. Neither of us married wealthy men who would take care of us. Amom died when I was 24 - she never met her grandchildren.

myst1998

OMG, I can't believe there are actually people telling adoptees to be grateful for being adopted! Grateful? Screw that. First, ALL children deserve a home and have a right to expect one and in most cases children get homes with their real parents. Secondly, why on earth should adoptees feel grateful for always having to wonder where they come from? Who they look like? What it says on their real birth certificate? Why they were adopted? And the list goes on...

As to the question at hand, great one. Yes, from the adopters point of view you do have big shoes to fill but all you NEED to do, is live your life as best as you can and not worry about what they expect from you. They have no right to expect anything. They already got to raise another woman's baby.

Randy B

Other then dishes or taking out the trash my only other job was to be loved. Nothing more, nothing less.

Dreamweaver ILF posse 2009

I was expected to do chores but other than that, my 'job' was to be a child...teen...and adult daughter-which I am. I love my parents, which I only have one of now :( My daddy passed away two years ago.

AprilCC

This is a very serious question. I think I was adopted so my mother would not be alone when she got old. Unfortunately, this happens to both biologically produced children and adopted children.

Crucio

I did not have a role to fill or adopted to have a job. My parents werenâ€™t even looking to adopt. They always loved and accepted me for who I was and never expecting me to be anything but myself. This makes me truly gratefully after reading some of the sad stories that other adoptees have.

Emanon

Sure, I was adopted to be loved, plain and simple. My parents wanted another child to love and they chose me! I am the luckiest girl in the world!

Sophie

There are no "accidental adoptions" so am I understanding you right the your point is that every adoptive child has some sort of job to fulfill? That is really not fair... there are many people out there try for a long time for a natural child... and get pregnant. So, I guess they have a job as well? I guess the only children who are TRUE accidents/unwanted do NOT come with jobs? But, some of those unwanted children are killed (aborted) for not having a "job" or placed in adoption to be hired on as an adopted child... go figure.
--------------------------------------...
Read the quote below. International adoptive parents will understand this more, probably:

"Accidental Adoption"

Have you ever noticed that you hear all the time about "accidental"pregnacies, but never about couples who experience "accidental" adoptions? Can you imagine:

Honey, sit down. I have some news for you.

What is it?

Well, I don't know how to say this, so I'll just come out with it. I went to the mailbox today and... well, we got a 171-H.

A what?!? A 171-H? As in, we're going to have a(nother) baby?!?

It looks that way.

But how? We've been so careful! I put away all the blank I-600A forms. Didn't you hide our homestudy update?

Of course I did, but don't forget, there was that one night...

What night? (pauses) Ohhh, that night, But it was only once. We were just messing around. I didn't print clearly. I didn't even use ink! (pauses again) But it was kind of fun. (giggles).

It was, wasn't it? I'll never forget how cute you looked getting your fingerprints.

So now we've got our 171-H, eh? But that doesn't always mean you'll adopt, does it? I mean, shouldn't you see the agency or something, make sure everything's okay?

I already did.

And?

I'm five documents along.

Five documents! And they're all notarized, certified and authenticated okay?

Just great. There was one small scare when the agency couldn't see the Notary's middle initial but it showed up just fine under the magnifying glass.

Thank God. And you, honey? Are you feeling okay?

I'm feeling fine. As long as I know you're happy about this.

Happy? I'm thrilled! It's always a shock at first when something like this happens, but of course I'm happy.

Author Unknown

The Truth

**High five's Kristy***

Kristy I laughed my butt off at that.. You rock.. LOL..

AS for the OP's question

I wasn't adopted, but I plan to adopt.. My child will have no job except to be loved by me, obey me (as I'd expect with any child), and be the best kid they can be.

My mom had a son, biologically... but she really wanted a boy AND a girl. I know she would have loved a second boy, if that's what she had gotten. But I know in her heart, she REALLY wanted a girl. About 10 months after she had my brother, she tried again, and had a miscarriage.. the most devastating thing to ever happen to her.

Me?? I was the "try again" after the miscarriage, the girl she wanted and got (with luck). I might as well have been special ordered.. just like any adoptee.... I dunno.... I never FELT I had a job to "fill a hole." Because she'd had a miscarriage.. I didn't feel I "had a job" because mom wanted a girl and got one. All I knew was how much mom loved me. (shrug).. How much BOTH my parents doted on me. (Dad especially doted on me WAY more than my bro.) I never felt that I had any "shoes" to fill... They had what they wanted.. and that was that.... They just expected me to be their kid, that's all... To be a good kid.

I don't get the whole "Job" concept with adoption. People want a family.. I don't see what's so wrong with that. I'm sure glad mom WANTED a family badly enough to intentionally get pregnant 3 times. As long as AP's they adopt children who really need a home, don't do anything unethical, love their children and give them a good life.. I don't see what's so wrong with "wanting" a family.

Sometimes I wonder if people like you, Celtic, etc, who had really crappy aparents... sometimes I wonder if you've just never heard enough story of crappy biological parents..I get the impression that you think that adoptees have a monopoly on having crappy parents and crappy childhoods....The truth is that someone who would make a good parent would be a good parent either to biological children OR adoptive children.. Someone who would make a crappy parent would be a crappy parent to an adoptive child OR a biological child.

Life is a dice roll... I'm not saying we should just pack it in and accept it.. that we shouldn't improve the system so that fewer crappy parents are allowed to adopt... but life IS a dice roll.. I got lucky, had awesome parents... I know others who did as well... And I know plenty who didn't (all of whom were raised by their biological parents, BTW)

AdoreHim

I am sorry that your amother had 13 miscarriages. that is horrible, but you should be grateful that you were placed in a home, that wanted a child. Some children are born into families that should never have had children. And what is SO wrong about someone adopting a boy, if they wanted one. There are many women who for whatever reason cannot keep a baby- would it have been better if you or that boy had been aborted? I am adopted, by my aparents, because they could not have children. I was WANTED by them, and my birth mom knew that she could not raise me. Also I had 2 adopted kids, and they don't have to fill any big shoes- I just love them. Whatever happened to being thankful for being adopted?

I am sorry, if I misunderstood your question, and you misunderstood what I was trying to say, please forgive me. What I was trying to say, is I don't think a child , either biological or adopted should be considered a need filler. I feel that children are a gift.

Zeena

I don't see the problem.He wants a boy..it's better than procreating more children to hopefully have a boy.

Instead, they are adopting children with no homes.I was never expected to do anything great.My sister was a big disappointment and yet was still loved.

Enter Your Message or Comment

User Name:
User Email:
Post a comment: