Adoptees: Do you think its necessary to tell your children that you're adopted?

Rilan

They seem a bit young right now to fully understand the concept of adoption. Since you're unsure now, why don't you hold out until they're older and will be able to better understand--that'll give you time to think about it.

Heather B

Yes, it's their history and heritage too.

They know where they get their curly ringlets from, their bent little toe, they know their Irish American Ancestry - it's theirs not just mine! They also love knowing that twins run in the family.

Oh and they absolutely LOVE having extra grandparents (and the extra Christmas presents LOL)

gypsywinter

""I have not reunited with birthing unit""

Sure you weren't raised in a 'Conehead' family?(*see SNL)
Birthing Unit?! Sheesh!

I am just so glad that my reunited daughter was never secretive nor ashamed that she was adopted. Immediately upon our first phone call she told me I had 2 more 'grandsons'. She may not call me 'Mom', but she has always referred to me as her children's Grandmother (not 'Grand One Half of the Birth Unit') and my grandsons call me "Nana". Why are you ashamed of being adopted? Sorry, but that's the feeling I get from how you wrote your question.

ETA:"I don't know the woman who gave birth to me and have no desire to. I respect the fact that she chose life, but that's about as far as my feelings for her go. I know my heritage, as do my children."

What is your 'heritage'? if you don't know from whence you came? Note definition #3

herÂ·iÂ·tage (hr-tj)
n.
1. Property that is or can be inherited; an inheritance.
2. Something that is passed down from preceding generations; a tradition.
3. The status acquired by a person through birth; a birthright: a heritage of affluence and social position.

DevonChaos

Yes because it is their history as well. It isn't fair that they are going to grow up only having a little bit of it here and there, but nothing from me. It has already been at a crisis situation when my daughter came down with a disease that no one could figure out. I was asked by many specialists what ran on my side of the family, and telling them I didn't know was killing me. Luckily that time things turned out okay.

They all know. They don't ask much about it yet, but I am going to answer every one of their questions with 100% honesty and as candidly as I can. They deserve that.

Rowan

Yes i think you should tell them. That way, if the inevitable slip happens, you wont have to face some very angry questions.

Its their heritage too.

SJM

Uh, yes, I told my children. They've always known. Why wouldn't I tell them? It does directly affect them, and they have every right to know. By the time they were nine, they could have written a report for school about the subject.

Randy B

I told my oldest and will certainly tell my youngest once she is old enough to understand about her own adoption. It's a bond that we both share on top of the family bond we have created.

cantstopLinnyG

Umm, wow. If you are adopted and "proud of it", why would you not tell them? That seems a bit contradicting.

You sound like an adoptee in the fog, lol. I have no problems with someone who doesn't feel like there's something missing. It's your life, your perspective. But for you to automatically assume YOUR children will not want to know them is wrong.

There will be no "WE" when your children are adults, lol. Look in the resolved questions section. You will find many questions from children of adoptees who want to search for their first grand parents.

My children adore their grandparents. (my adoptive parents) Their relationship with their adoptive relatives are separate from their biological relatives. They know "who is who". They've always known I was adopted, and even did 2 separate family trees in school. They now know who they look like, and who they get their traits from, and it isn't from my adoptive family, because they are not genetically related to them.

"I have my medical history as well. My parents made sure to give me the details when I was pregnant so I would be able to tell my doctor my medical history."

Ummm, it's YOUR history. Your parents "made sure to give it to you"...sounds like they were a bit controlling.

I think it's really sad that while you say "you respect her for choosing life", you call her a birthing unit??? Yikes.

While you may not wish to reunite, that's your choice, but, man...you do sound a bit defensive. That makes me sad for you AND your children.

My adoptive parents could not have loved me more, but I still wanted to meet my first parents and my siblings. My children and I have enough love in our hearts for ALL of our family members.

Rivkah

I just think you should find out whether she has any genetic disorders. Degenerative illness may not run in your adopted family but may run in your biological family. Don't you think your kids have the right to know at least that? Family history (or, as you may choose to call it, birthing unit history) makes a big difference in the treatment a doctor prescribes, or what tests s/he runs.

---

I mean tell YOUR kids your medical history. Defective genes don't stop existing after an x number of generations.

sunny

Uh, sounds like you've got quite the grudge going against your "birthing unit". That's a new one! Be careful you're sounding like a 'bitter' adoptee, not the 'happy' kind preferred around here! So if it's not a problem, and you're all psyched about being adopted, why are you here, in the adoption section?

My kids don't know yet. They do know my mother ("the woman who gave birth to me") and have all their lives. It hasn't come up yet, in any meaningful way. But when it does, I'll spill the beans. Don't really want to mar their innocence with the downer revelation that children are given away and raised by strangers quite yet.

Maybe I'll let them know when I expose Santa for the phony he is...

rachael

yes my children know-how could i keep that from them? it affects them too. its not just my life its theirs.
none of my kids think my aparents arent their 'real' grandparents. that was never an issue.

i did find my bparents, so unlike you,i do have an 'extra' set of grandparents for my kids. but its not a problem. they ask lots of questions and i answer them. the older they get the more questions come. eventually they understand. it shows them there is all kinds of people in the world and all kinds of families. it has become a wonderful lesson.

your fear that someone will 'slip' in front of your kids comes from your brain telling you they should know. you know you are harboring a secret, thats why you are worried.
its ok to be nervous. its ok if you dont feel the need to search for reunion (i personally dont understand NOT wanting to-but if that is whats comfortable for you then i have no right to judge.)
i know you say you are not ashamed, but part of you must hold some issues with it, or else it would not be so hard for you to tell your children.

you do what you feel is right. but i truly think hiding this from them is unfair. this is their life too. they are entitled to that info.
and by the way....my children do not call my bmom 'grandma' they call her lori, just like i do. they know she is a grandma, but we dont call her that. i have a deep love for all my parents, but the terms 'mom and grandma' are reserved for my amom. no disrespect to my bmom-she understands. that is a choice i have made and will stand by.

Dr. K-C

If it were me I would tell them. They will find out and wonder why you didn't. It is an essential truth about your family. My children are adopted and they are well aware.. there is little, if any, hope they will ever know their birthparents.. still.. they know. My siblings and I were fostered for almost 4 years.. we love our foster mom and siblings.. so of course my children know.. I realize in your case that it is different since you have no relationship with birth family.. but, the trust that your children have in you depends on your being truthful.. and while not telling isn't lying exactly - it would be a lie of omission at some point. They would wonder what was wrong with adoption that you didn't want them to know that loving families can be formed through adoption OR birth.

I suspect they will not think it a big deal if it is just part of your family history.. one piece, that is all. And - YOUR MOTHER is their grandmother.. they will know her as Grandmother and know no other - so that isn't a reason. My own kids do not know my Mother because she passed before we became parents.. (actually while waiting for our first child) but I tell them about her.. so she is a presence. Kids are so much more accepting of things when they are just part of the everyday story of your life. I think having loving parents.. and becoming a wonderful Mom means truth and trust -- your truth and their trust.

Good luck!

Downtown

i would tell them i

they could find out some other way so its better to be honest and truthfull

kateiskate

The birthing unit? Um, you mean your first mom?

I totally think your kids should know you are adopted. Like it or not, its part of who you are. Not telling your kids that you are adopted tells them that there is something shameful about it, something that should be hidden from people and kept a secret.

If you have no desire to meet your first mom, just explain that to your kids as well. They might as well know the truth. I don't think you will have much of a problem explaining to them that their other "grandma" isn't really their grandma since you already refered to her here as a "birthing unit". Just use that handy little euphemism for her when you explain it to them.

If you never met your "birthing unit" how is it you have your entire medical history? That doesn't make sense to me. I'm sorry, it just doesn't.

jack g

Truth hurts more when it jumps out and bites you - no good can ever come from hiding things like this.

I think you have issues with your adoption - you may not think it or know it but the terminology you use and the fact you don't want to tell your kids suggest otherwise. Do right by your kids and things will usually turn out right

chielu c

Just as you told Gypswin that her issues are her hers - so are your issues with respect to the birthing unit you don't want to meet. How you feel about the people that created you have nothing to do with your children. They should have the right to know their genetic past and identity if they want to.

Lori A

I want to know how your going to convince them that their whole relationship with you hasn't been a lie when they do find out.

HappyMomAnna

I was the wife of an Adoptee and we had two children in 1984 and 1985.

Their father did not want to tell them and felt he had no reason to share his feelings with them. It was however not realistic and there were always "things" that didn't add up to them.

Our children were Not Told until they were 8 and 9 years old and they were not told by their father. They had been asking questions about the lack of medical information, their Genealogy and other leading remarks that made it clear they had their own ideas. The kids and I were on a mini-vacation to visit my Aunt and Uncle during a time when my cousins would be around.

I realized that my Aunt was just the type who would introduce my cousin by saying something like, "This is Cousin So and So did you know she was adopted just like your daddy?"

I decided that it would be better for them to be educated about something that really IS a part of who they Are...

The reaction I got was Not one I expected and to be honest some of their feelings were not different then the feelings some adoptees have themselves. It was their Grandmother we were talking about--It was their medical history--it was their genealogy too. And, as their mother I believed they had the right to know and understand because it was their life too.

Both of the children had different reactions. Both have different feelings about adoption today. They are well rounded and were very able to be supportive when their father was reunited with both of his biological parents when he was over 40 years old. My children have been overwhelmed with the reunion and we have discovered Where On Earth did she get that Jet-Black Hair? And, just how Scottish someone with a "Mc" name may or may not actually be due to adoption.

I believe it would have been far more healthy for everyone to have raised the children knowing the truth and understanding that adoption is not a dirty word. I wish my children had been given this information the same way as we are advised to give an adopted person. I also believe it would have been more beneficial if their father would have been the one to tell them.

*

C Wood

I strongly disagree with your thought that there is no reason to tell your children. You're way off base. The parents who raised you are your ap's and so they are the grandparents, regardless if they are blood relatives.

Your children need to know that their health history is incomplete, so if they ever have any serious illnesses, you don't have a full health history and they cannot ask their grandparents for health history as they are not blood relatives. This is VERY important information for your children. While you think you know your medical history, more often than not, information was not complete when given to your ap's, so while you know what they were told, that is probably incomplete.

I simply told my children the facts when they were old enough. They know my entire history, from being born in the US, and put into Children's Village when mom couldn't support us, to being given up for adoption when her new man refused to marry her unless she gave us up, to her being diabetic. I see no need to hide my history from them. They don't know the full history of my ap's who were abusive. I found no need to inform them about the abuse.

At age 9 and 6, you keep it simple. You can tell them they have two grandmas, one who raised you and loved you, and one who was not able to raise you and gave you up. You don't have to go into details. When they are old enough to know more, they'll ask. They are too young right now to go into your negative feelings towards your birth parent(s) or details.
cw

Anha S

You may not care about meeting, or having a relationship with your "birthing unit" (talk about degrading) but your kids may not feel the same way. After all, they aren't carbon copies of you. Why would you leave something until someone else slips up to tell them?

My daughters have known I was adopted all their lives. When they had questions on things, I answered them. My youngest at one point asked if that meant her grandma wasn't my real mom, and we had a conversation about how I had a bunch of real parents, just like she does. She got it, and my amom hasn't been treated different, or seen any different than grandma. Kids have an infinite capacity for love.

They have a right to know. You may not choose to meet her, maybe they would want to, and it wouldn't be fair of you to take that opportunity from them. And medical histories, they are amorphous, and continue to change. The medical history I was given when I first reunited years and years ago is completely different now, and frankly one hell of a lot scarier.

Be happy and feel no tie to your first mom at all, thats fine, kudos to you. But don't make the decision for your kids.

Emily D

As an adoptee I would most definitely tell my children! Did you question whether or not your parents were your "real" parents? I don't know how old they are, but I wouldn't go into extreme detail. Just give them as much as they can understand at their ages.

PJJ

Yes. it would be nice to see who they look like. Or to see when they have kids to see what they look like.Why hide it?

Sophie

I understand what you're saying. I would go with your gut feeling and tell them when it is the right time. You will know when that is when it occurs. They do have a right to know, though. Afterall, it is their biological family tree and even though you have no desire to learn about them, they may.

Chrispy

Here's my take on it: You should do whatever you're comfortable with - if you don't want to tell them, then don't. It's your life and you need to do what you feel is best.

I'll tell you what I would do: I would tell them. I am by no means telling you what you should do - only you can decide that. I am not adopted, so this is just what I think I would do if I were in your shoes. I think I would tell my children because I would be living proof that adoptees aren't always messed up ( a lot of people seem to think that people who are adopted end up having screwed up lives) I would tell them because I wouldn't be ashamed of where I came from (i'm not saying that you are). It's okay to call someone "Mom" who isn't necessarily the person who gave birth to you. Being a parent is more than just giving birth. I think it would help to shed some light on what great people my adopted parents are and that they didn't have to have me - they wanted me. This would give my children a new found respect for their grandparents. Even though I may never want to have contact with my birth parents, I would still want my child to make their decision to contact them or not to. It isn't my right to take away that choice for them. It's not like I would have to help them find them - if they wanted to find their birth grandparents that much, they'd find a way to contact them. I don't have to be a part of finding them. I think it would help them to understand me and the life I've had and that people are generally good and although some don't make the greatest choices - we all share a common ground. Love. We all want to love and be loved - in all different kinds of ways and your adoptive parents have given you the love that you deserve and can express to your children. I think that children can understand that. So - for me, I would tell them because I would want to educate them on the wonderful advantages to adoption, because what if someday they're faced with an unplanned pregnancy. You know better than anyone what kind of life an unplanned child could have with adoptive parents. I think it would be a great educational experience to tell them - as well as gaining respect for their grandparents and a better understanding of you.

That's just me, that's what I would do and why. But these are your children and this is your decision. So you need to just do whatever you feel is best. My only advice is if you decide to tell them, maybe wait until they get a little older and can understand better what might prompt a person to give up their child for adoption.

Hope it all works out for you.

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