Adoptees - Does anything you've learned here make you regret some things you've said to APs?

What do I know?

well, you have your answer from two contributors who consistently put down Aps and PAPs

They don't care.. they said it, not me.

they apparently think THEY don't have anything to learn, judging by their answer to this question... that is sad.. we ALL have something to learn.. I know that's why I came here, to learn more about adoption..

But I've also learned alot about the issues adoptees face. I DO regret some things I've said to them.. I regret some of the things I've said because they were unintentionally somewhat dismissive.. That wasn't my intention, but I understand how some adoptees may see it that way, so I regret saying those things..

As with alot of Paps, I came here with alot of mis-ideas about adoption.. But being put down for not understanding everything did NOT help me.. but some of the contributors to this forum seem to believe that their lofty ideals (educating) justify using any kind of insults "vultures" comes to mind, as well as "greedy, entitled" and insisting over and over and over that with most APs and PAps it is all about THEM and they can care less about the child.. Just because someone doesn't understand all the P.C. way to go about asking for information about adoption does NOT mean that they are selfish or greedy, just ill-informed..

To answer your question, as a PAP I HAVE learned some things here that make me regret some things I've said to the adoptees.

But if the ones you're directing this question to (The kind that insult Aps and PAPs) can't see the need for THEM to understand Paps and APs and have some common courtesy, then what can we do?

Seems like a hopeless case to me, but of course I hope I"m wrong..

P.S. I never regret calling for others to reserve judgment, be kind, and open their minds to the possibility that not all Paps and aPs are evil vultures..

kaluah96

1. i don't regret telling her to go to hell- she told me my son had too much black in him

2. i don't regret telling her she resents me and the whole frigin thing was her idea- she knew how her family felt about black people. i didn't make the choice she did.

3. i don't regret pushing her into a wall- i was tired of being abused and i wasn't going to let her punch me in my face again. even to this day i don't let people get near my face not even my son.

and i don't regret what i've told the parents on here cause most of it is to prevent other kids from going through what i went through and some of these a parents could care less about the kid as long as they get one and that's not right.

I do regret one thing. letting my mother know that i felt that if she died i wouldn't have any family. I will regret that til the day she dies. she kept her family seperate from me. either to protect me from them or them from me but either way that's how it was. my oldest sister and i had a heart to heart and not out of malace but out of just pure truth she said. we don't see you as our sister. we didn't grow up with you. it's kinda like you're a family friend that mom took care of. my mother has been using my fear against me ever sense. now i'm more happy when she just leaves me completely alone.

bailie28

i think there are kids that are in foster care that could be adopted ..i think if someone truly wanted to be a parent..it would not matter what the age of the child was...to only want a newborn tends to make me think people are selfish..other than that i regret nothing i have said to an ap...i also dont think everyone has the kid as the main factor in adoption..sometimes it is about the parent or to be parent..it becomes a me me situation...and i am an adoptee

Freckle Face

Okay, now i have to put my 2 cents in.

Kristy, i get your question. I think some Adoptees here do respect some of the aps and paps here.

I don't think any adoptee has anything to regret though. I can honestly say we have all trampled on someone's feelings at one time or another.

I don't think as aps or paps we have much if anything to teach adoptees. Adoptees live the life. We can hang up our "adoption" hats at the end of the day. In comparison, just b/c i adopted an AA daughter doesn't mean i can teach her anything about being black in america. I can't cause I'm not. So how i can teach adoptees anything about adoption? I can't. I can offer my opinions and/or advice. And that's about it.

Back to your question Kristy. Imho, Adoptees can hate adoption, that doesn't mean they hate us as people.

Gershom

Regrets? no.

There are a couple times, I've been mad, and I regret allowing people to make me mad and replying out of anger.

But I still feel the same about adoption and people in it as when i first came here, infact maybe even stronger.

sunny

Regret? Nope. I figure APs should be at least as strong as their KIDS are forced to be.

The only thing I've learned in here is that many PAPs are more determined to adopt than previous generations, and that there seem to be no bounds to how far people will go to adopt.

PhilM

I don't know how to answer this question. I've never said anything to APs as a whole group.

As for things I've said here, I try to live by the following motto:

"Live never to be ashamed if anything you say or do is published around the world, even if what is said is not true." -Richard Bach

I am not perfect. The only thing I can think of that I've been ashamed of was a heated back and forth with another adoptee. She and I privately worked it out (I hope). We still don't always agree. But I had promised never to answer another one of her questions, and I've stuck to that promise. And even when I disagree with one of her answers, I hold my tongue. She was, in the end, respectful to me. And I want to return that respect.

But I've never said anything to any AP or PAP here that I regret. I stand by my words.

And frankly, I'm not sure what I have to learn here. Adoption happened to me. First parents and Adoptive parents make choices to participate in adoption. I live it first hand, every day. Adoption was visited upon me from the beginning, without my consent. I KNOW adoption. And I have little interest in learning what makes people relinquish or adopt. I know why my adoptive parents adopted. I don't hold it against them. I know why my first mom relinquished. And I don't hold it against her. What else would you have me learn about adoption that I don't already know?

I have respect for people, as people. I do not have to respect all their choices.

Robin

OMG! I wasn't going to weigh in AT ALL. FIRST, because I've learned that your questions are merely rhetorical. You choose the answer that you're looking for as "best" and toss all that don't match yours. Really sad and kinda pathetic. I really do feel badly for you because you seem so unsure of yourself & your decision (to adopt) and are constantly seeking approval through the questions you ask.

But you AREN'T seeking to learn from others, especially from any adoptee's experience. And the answers written by most AP's & PAP's here so far are FRIGHTENING! Honestly!

Examples: 1) "Most of the angry adoptees don't keep in consideration that they made life hard for the aparents by lashing out at them." How do you think some adoptees GET angry? In a vacuum? Make life hard on our a.parents? Sure, blame the children.

I won't speak for everyone - but I did everything I could to "fit in" and win my a.mom's love & acceptance. I never had to work for my father's affection, thankfully.

Does anyone give a $#it how hard the life of some adoptees has been? Do you have an ounce of compassion for the "less than perfect" adoption stories and their victims. Do you care enough to make sure the child you adopt WON'T have that kind of experience? No! Many of you simply dismiss them. Not all AP's. There are some fantastic ones in this forum.

2) "I don't care if my child ends up hating adoption like many adoptees here do." You don't CARE?! Seriously? If you don't, you should NOT ADOPT! How can you NOT CARE about how your child feels?

Phil gave the best answer, IMHO. There are several good ones, but his really explains well the POV some adoptee's have.

Mom5grlz also gave a very well thought out answer. She "get's" it. I'd love to have her as my a.mom ANYDAY. I wish I'd had an a.mom like her!

Instead, I had an a.mom like kaluah96, who abused me (beat me) physically, verbally & emotionally. I never raised a hand to her, but dreamed about hitting her BACK until my late 30's! The first and ONLY time I "lashed out" at her was one of the many times she threatened to have my child taken away from me. I gave her chance after chance for nearly 4 decades. She rejected my children, as well. Finally, she left a message on my answering machine 2 days after my dad died to "not call here anymore." 11 years ago this week. I still occasionally have nightmares about her - in my late 40's!

AND STILL I wasn't an "angry adoptee". I still believed that adoption was good for many kids. I thought MY story was an anomaly, truly. I wasn't "angry" until I landed her and read some of the heartless & cruel things some AP's & PAP's say about adoptees and what we are trying to share.

It's the fact that you don't CARE that is most disturbing of all. You don't care. You bait with silly questions. You dismiss & minimize & blame adoptees for their bad experiences. And you don't listen to adoptee's who've had GOOD or GREAT experiences but still believe adoption needs reform.

You even go on to say that adoption TODAY is different than OUR adoption experiences, but you STILL don't cut us any slack....

ARGHHHH!!!!

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1

first answer: no. i've never said anything i regret, which has mostly been something to the affect of "i hate adoption."

i still do.

oopsydaisy

No, thats because I am not immature enough to say horrible things about anyone never mind Aps. I hope that fellow adoptees have enough compassion to be nice to Aps, just as we would want to be treated.

skatergurljubulee

I can only think of one time that I said something negative to a Adoptee, and that was the first time I posed a question on Y!Answers. I wanted to know if there were any Asian adoptees that had a problem with having parents that were either both black, or if the were a interracial couple (I used White/black because that's the situation I'm in). The first answer I received was from an adoptee that laughed at me, made fun of me and called me a name. I was hurt by the statement and basically said "your problems aren't my problems". Then I said that I came here for answers because I wanted help. I was truly ignorant. Then I had to explain that I wasn't saying it in a cold manner (though it could have been said better), just wanted some serious consideration for a serious question.
When I posted here, I didn't think that I'd be "assaulted" for asking a question. I understand that there are a lot of emotions that go into adoption, but it's counter-productive to assume generalities of people. You're supposed to ask questions to learn. That's what's so great about Y! Answers. Though, the person wasn't an AP, they were known for being abrasive towards AP's and PAP's (I learned this afterward). So, I don't feel regret saying it simply because I did nothing to be treated in that manner. Also, it bothers me when I see people critisize PAP's and AP's for their decision to adopt. Most of the angry adoptees don't keep in consideration that they made life hard for the aparents by lashing out at them. They don't treat their own parents like they want to be treated, how are they going to give complete strangers the same courtesy?
A friend of mine that is an adoptee said that people think that all adoptees are angry because they are the ones you hear about. He said that most adoptees that are happy spend more time with their life, doing their own thing versus writing about it in a blog or complaining about it, lashing out at others, etc. You don't hear about them because they're busy living their lives. And Adoptees tend to get a bad rep because of it.

Skatergurljubulee

LOVINit

I second Shelly P's answer! It's obvious they could care less about educating people about adoption.

Edit: And as you can see, they don't think that they have anything to learn here. You know...because adoption only affects them...note the sarcasm. I can't believe the hypocrisy. As a PAP, I should learn about all aspects of adoption & try to understand the affects it has on adoptees, but they don't have to learn or understand the affects it has on anyone but themselves. Pfffttt...

Edit (AGAIN): You know, after reading some answers over again, I feel the need to state that none of us APs or PAPs here at Y!A made adoption happen to any of you adoptees here who feel the need to constantly bash us for no good reason. If I do end up adopting, I don't care if my child ends up hating adoption like many adoptees here do, but I will make sure that they understand NOT to take out their anger & aggression on people who did not put them in that situation or people they don't even know!

Robin, you merely just took my statement out of context. I said "I don't care" because I expect it to happen. I'm not going to be upset or surprised if they end up hating adoption & I won't tell them that they shouldn't.

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