Adoptees: Even if your parents told you they supported your search/reunion and they told you throughout your..?

Mei-Ling

Kazi, I'm not entirely sure if you've been lurking around my AP-centric blog or not (Shadow Between Two Worlds), and I think I recall seeing you comment once, but I'm not certain.

I had written an entry that tackles this very question, actually. However, it's still in draft and not posted yet because of some other issues I was struggling through first (eg. language barrier) and it's got sidetracked. And then there was a comment from Meadow asking me what would be better: To have my dad say he was heartsick about losing me (and likely burdening me with that knowledge) or for him to just remain quiet and not "guilt-trip" me with the knowledge of his real emotions anyway?

Here's the thing.

Whether or not an adoptive parent voices insecurity, fear, apprehension, etc... the fact that they *adopted* tends to imply that by default the gratefulness factor and the idea that they should be protected from reunion because of this.

Adoptive parents are human. If I ever adopted and my child wanted to search out her biological parents, for heaven's sakes of course I would support her. Would she think she'd have to "protect" me? Most likely. Why? Because I *adopted* her, therefore I am her mom and she would not want to hurt my feelings and give me the "impression" that I am not good enough that she wants to find her other mom, etc.

I'm not explaining this very well, am I. I'll put up a part of the yet-to-be-posted blog entry.

"This is a touchy subject in the adoption community because it puts a burden on the adoptee and it raises the defences of the adoptive parents.

Regardless, even if Mom doesn't say that... the adoptee can still feel obligated/burdened/responsible for showing any interest about their original family - simply because of the knowledge that they were adopted.

But the word "adopted" implies that perhaps they were "saved" and therefore since only the adoptive family is with them at the present time, they should not look back into the past because this is where their lives are at now.

To some extent, the word "adopted" implies in itself that gratitude is expected.

Adoption in itself does not MEAN "be grateful." But it can certainly CONVEY that - just by being what it is. The media. Other adoptive parents. Prospective adoptive parents. Magazines. Celebrities. All those factors give the impression of "Adoption means 'be grateful.' Otherwise we can send you back."

Should kids be grateful for what they have? Well, yes, in a general sense. Any child should be appreciative that they have a home, and any child has the right to be raised by loving and supportive parents.

But to use adoption as a guilt tactic or by remaining silent and convincing yourself "It's okay, he seems fine with it"... gives the impression that your child should not ask questions."

I'm not saying that anyone here actually uses adoption as a guilt tactic. I'm saying that some parents DO use it. Some parents ARE under the impressions that they are saviours. Some parents DO assume that silence means the kids are never ever curious.

You asked: I'm also wondering if sometimes, despite the aparents being open, would adoptees still feel guarded or scared to tell their parents about their search/reunion, how they feel about being adopted, or anything else about adoption?

Yes. My mom is a person, a human being with thoughts and feelings and emotions. She knows that sometimes I wish I had been raised in Taiwan instead. She knows that I just get fed up with the language barrier. But she isn't me, she does not feel what I feel and there is no appropriate amount of words that can ever really describe what I feel. It's one of those things that you can't understand unless you've lived it.
You can *empathize*, but you can't *sympathize.*

And no, I haven't told her everything I feel about my adoption. That's why I blog all the time - to vent, to reflect, to say things I wouldn't dare to say because... oh lord, it would probably wreck the family dynamic and destroy the illusion of adoption being "perfect." As true as my emotions are *to myself*, I wouldn't want to hurt her like that and she doesn't have to know every single little detail that I think about.

In the end, she's still my MOM. Her feelings have to count, too.

Romany

Kids have a way of knowing whether their parents are truly open to questions and what topics are off limits. My younger son was a master at keeping both mom and step mom happy by the time he was seven (post divorce).

They will test the waters first and look for any push back. I don't know of ANY adopted child (at any age) who would tell an adoptive parent that they love their birth parent(s) unless they were trying to end their relationship with their adoptive parents. Love their adoptive grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins? - sure. Love their first parents? - that would take a lot of courage or a lot of anger.

Julie R

I agree with those who made the point of distinguishing sincerity from insincerity. I also think there are many reasons besides the aparents' attitudes regarding search & reunion for the adoptee's decision to search and/or reunite.

I think sometimes adoptees avoid ideation about being adopted. The reasons for avoiding are many - fear of facing feelings about his/her individual experience, a desire to feel "normal" because being adopted made them feel different, avoiding pain already felt from their individual adoption experience - to name just a few. By default, the activity of searching forces the adoptee to think about the experience of being adopted.

Even if an adoptee has no issues with regard to thinking about their adoptee status, there could be dozens of reasons they choose not to search - at least for the time being. Close friends, spouses, etc. may have negative attitudes regarding search & reunion ("why would you want to meet 'that woman' when you already have a mother?" or "why bother - she abandoned you").

Too often, it is societal pressure that tells adoptees all their lives to be happy, grateful, and incurious. Adoptees talking about adoption makes most people uncomfortable - unless the adoptee is declaring: his/her undying gratitude, the extreme awesomeness of his/her adoptive parents, how happy and successful s/he is, and/or the total lack of desire to know even diddly-squat about his/her origins. The alternative is almost guaranteed to be a conversation-stopper, or even a room-emptier.

sunny

They will never tell you everything. Ever.

parental unit

Children, adopted or not, always worry about disappointing their parents. Its a normal emotion, frankly I'd worry more about the kid who was not worried about their parents feelings. But no one, adopted or not, should be made to think their feeling and emotions are wrong, or should be discouraged from doing what their heart desires (well, within reason. Don't go breaking laws here people!). There are things I have done in my life that I am sure my parents disapprove of, but I have a loving, secure relationship with my parents. While my parents may have been embarrassed by some of the things I put them through in my youth, they do not shame me over these things. In my rainbow colored world every child has parents like mine, and I wish it were true.

Elle

As an adoptee, I do feel a need to protect my parents, and their feelings. They will always be my parents, nothing will ever change that. That said, it does make a difference. Protecting my parents feelings and having my needs met were both able to be upheld. Feeling like I was supported in my quest for answers was the most important factor in my ultimate satisfaction. It took my search for answers to realize I always knew everything I needed; I have 2 parents who love me dearly. Do I think being supportive of adoptees will make everything easy? No. Do I think it's important for adoptive parents to let their children know it's ok to look for answers, and to talk about their struggles even if it's hard? Absolutely!

svrangerchrista09

My parents DECIDED to have an open adoption. I have been around my birthmother (not often) my entire life. We are about to start the search for my birthfather.
It was their decision to make things easier for me and harder for them. If they decided to have an open adoption, then they accepted the fact that I MIGHT look for him one day.
This is the way I have always felt and maybe it's the way I was raised. To alway speak my mind. If you feel that your adopted child isn't being open with you, maybe it's because you aren't being open with him/her.
I feel that it's important to know my roots. I have always felt that even though I want to find him, I don't want to have a birthfather/adopted child relationship with him. I just care and want to know about him and his life. Share things with him I can't share with my adoptive parents.
For example, talk about my habits and things like that. And my family line (where did my grandparents come from (what country?))
Good LUCK!
feel free to contact me if you have any other questions about adoption.
I always like to share my story and opinons about it with others.
:]

Pat Brown

I think adoptees who search for fuller information about their own pasts are concerned about what they will discover. They might run into a blank wall, or encounter information they find very painful to know.

Some adoptees searching would not share that fact until they complete their search and find out what there is to know. Others can use moral support from the beginning of their search and find their compassionate adoptive parents to be their best allies.

I think much hesitation to disclose a search or the seeking of a reunion can be attributed to these reasons, rather than just the fear of offending adoptive parents.

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