Adoptees...I call upon you again for your help?

PhilM

Well, that's not the real anastasia... whoever it is just registered today...

As for your question, it may be something they have to deal with together. I will say, I never hated my (first) mom for giving me up. I wanted to know why. And I didn't want to hear (from her) that it was the best for me. But I wasn't angry at her. No more than I have been angry at my (adoptive) parents.

Human beings do the best they can. Sometimes they screw up. Sometimes they get it right. Whatever I think about my relinquishment, I don't harbor anger at any of my parents for it.

But some adoptees are upset (and some with good reason) at their (first) parents. Your daughter and her (first) mother will have to figure out their own relationships. I do think you're doing all you can. And, I suspect, you feel protective of her, and want her to be happy (your daughter, I mean). Having a loving, open relationship with her is the best you can do. Whatever happens with her and her (first) mother, at least you can lay the groundwork for your daughter to talk to you about what she's feeling. It sounds like that's what you're doing. And that is no small thing.

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1

actually, i don't think it's inevitable. especially if the communication stays open.

i think so much of my resentment was because it was a closed adoption. i think if there has to be adoption, open is the number one way to help avoid the negativity that comes with lies and secrets.

you're dong the right thing.....never question yourself on that. this is the smartest way to be most helpful.

Linny G

Number one- YOU ROCK.

How amazing that you realize the importance of these feelings. It may indeed be something they will eventually have to deal with together, but the fact you are so supportive of both will go a long way.

Again- you rock.

Anha S

My adoption was closed, my first mother struggled for years under the assumption that I would hate her, blame her, she took it to be such truth she didn't try to search for me for fear that I would reject her outright. It became a theme in our reunited relationship, and I think to a degree it fashioned how she handled me. She tried parenting me to make up for all those lost years, when I was past the point of needing parental guidance all the time, I was already a mother on my own at that point. She tried other unhealthy means of garnering my love and loyalty, and ultimately, it ended in me backing off, and I've unfortunately not contacted her again.

In your situation, you have an open adoption, and a willingness to handle things in a way that is beneficial for your child, and I think that will go miles and miles in how your daughter feels about things, and how things get handled. I'd say that if things do come up, where your daughter feels hate or blame, that you continue to do what you are doing, being open and honest. Just providing a safe place to talk about the feelings, even if they are hurtful to anyone helps. I held in so much bile growing up, it was a tailspin to actually be able to get it out in my early 20's.

maybe

It's really hard to say how the child will feel upon reaching adulthood. It's great that you have a good relationship with her other mother, they both will need your understanding and support as they work on their relationship.

BTW, I just checked that imposter's profile, it is not the real anastasia. There are suddenly a lot of agency hacks and insecure APs and adoptees on here this week. They've been spewing their hatred of all mothers and adoptees who dare to question adoption mythology. Interesting when they show their true colors, isn't it?

Freckle Face

Dear Stillttc#4,

I had a similar conversation with DD's mother, a few times actually.

I reminded her that we are raising DD to love, honor and respect her always. We would not tolerate anyone disrespecting her in any way. It would never happen.

Again, DD has the right to hate adoption if she wishes. She has the right to hate being relinquished. She does not have the right to hate one of her parents. DD's parents did the best they could for her at the time with the information they had at the time. Even if her adoption was a mistake, we are all human and we all make mistakes.

As one of her parents, i would feel as if i failed DD if she could grow up to hate her mother.

snowwillow20

Sounds like you are doing everything in your power to make sure your child has a happy life.

Even though mine was a closed adoption, my bdaughters mom never said anything bad about me to my daughter, I think that was helpful in our reunion.

Lori A

I can only say that by the time my daughter found me she was a grown woman with children of her own. Her parents are still alive and she really didn't need any more parents. We are the best of friends.

Since our adoption was also closed, I spent years thinking my daughter was going to hate me too. It is difficult to say what is going to happen between the two of them, but opened lines of communication can't hurt, and when it's time, just be a friend.

Myla

Its very possible that the child will resent her at some point in her life. I dont think you should say it will never happen. What you should say is what you will do if it does happen. Make a plan now, because it very well may come true. And it happens early sometimes.

When my adopted daughter was about 5 or 6 years old she became very sad and wondered if her birth mother just didnt love her or just didnt want her because of something she did. She went through a phase of blaming her birth father for not keeping the family together. I think these are normal feelings. I think it was based on the fact that she was so happy in her current life that it was scary to think we could just send her away.

We just reminder her daily how loved she was and how happy all of us were that she was there. I told her she was where she belonged and it was nobody's "fault" it was a decision we all made out of great love and concern for her future.

kidmindi

As an adult adoptee, I can say I never hated my birthmom for not raising me. I often wondered why she didn't, but since I didn't know her when I was a child, I couldn't ask her, and my adoptive parents had nothing good to say about her (mine was a family adoption so my Bmom was my Aparents ex DIL and there was bad blood)

As an adoptive mom, I keep in contact with my daughter's Bmom and hope that someday when my daughter has questions, her Bmom and I can sit down with her together and answer any questions she may have. I hope she will never hate or Bmom. And no one will ever badmough her Bmom in front of her.

sizesmith

I asked my brother-in-law, who was placed for adoption 48 years ago. He said that from what he has seen as a son, adoptee, step-father, and foster parent, that a lot of how your daughter feels is reflected upon how you feel about it.

In a film in foster parenting classes yesterday, we saw a couple who had adopted a sibling group, and how their communication with the first mom was delayed because of the kids' feelings, however, the AP's never put the first mom down, and even respected her wanting to see her kids. Since they dealt with it in a positive manner, the kids ended up dealing with positive in the future. Communication between all three members of the triad is important in cases like this. Communication can make an otherwise hard situation feel more like a blessing to all involved, if there is honesty, apathy for the other parts of the triad, understanding, and putting each one in the shoes of the other to completely understand why and how the adoption came about. If you're apprehensive about first mom, daughter will be too. If you go to her and hug her in front of your daughter, the acceptance can be much better, as it is with other members of your family, friends, and others.

It's sad that so many adoptive parents blow the chances for others to adopt, by creating such negativity. As an AP, I wish it had been mandatory to take classes before adopting to understand the others. We're a lucky family because the adoptees here have taught me the other sides of the triad, and by going to the foster parenting courses to adopt again, I understand the other sides, and hope to be a better AP because of listening and accepting. BTW-I have vented here, in an anonymous type situation, which isn't right, but it's much better than doing it in front of my son. Good luck!

Jillian

i have a few friend who were adopted as babies- they think what their parent's did was responsible. it hink it's different whena kid comes from an abusive home and was places in child services and things like that. i know a 14 year old girl who gave her baby up for adoption to a coupld who ahd been trying for 10 years, they were the same religion as her. she allowed them to be there for the birth. To the couple, this young girls helped complete their lives. I'm sure they will let her know that when she asks about her birth mother

Enter Your Message or Comment

User Name:
User Email:
Post a comment: