Adoptees and AP's....what to do?

We are AP's to a toddler through foster care. This question is for AP's and adoptees who support and encourage open adoptions. If that is not you, please do not bother answering. Thanks!
Here is an overview of my child's natural family:
Mom has 4 children. All 4 are with different fathers. All 4 are in adoptive homes with different families. 2 of these children know they are adopted--my child and one other. The other two believe their AP's are their parents. NONE of these children are allowed contact with mom. The other children are 9, 11, and 14 years old
Dad has 4 children. 3 are with his wife of many years. Our child is his 4th, out of wedlock. He does not know of this child. Mom refuses to tell us who dad is, and the children and wife know nothing of the affair. The other children are 13, 17, and 19 years old.
Our child is 19 months old.
I hope all of that makes sense.
How in the world can I have an open adoption, when most of the family is unknown to us and when the ones we do know of don't know they are adopted? Further, should we even try when our child is so significantly younger than the other children? Finally, the ONE child that we have tried to stay in contact with...the youngest one..9 years old....states that he 'doesn't really care' to know our child, and the family keeps having 'scheduling conflicts' when we ask to meet them.
I absolutely want my child to know and/or know about his siblings....but I don't want to destroy lives to do so. Telling these children they are adopted; telling the others that dad cheated on mom, etc....that's not my place. So, I honestly don't know what to do. Mom refuses to give us locations or pictures of any of her other children, and, again, won't tell us who dad is or the names of his kids. I am just at a loss for how to give my child his history, when it is so very convaluded and unknown. I know I have MUCH more than many AP's and adoptees out there have....but all of these kids are within 1 hour of our home. I can't imagine ruining their lives, but I also can't imagine how my child will feel knowing that he has 6 half-siblings that close who he doesn't know and who don't even know he exists. PLEASE do not criticize my child's parents. Thanks for any guidance.

Opedial

You can only work within the perameters of what you are given.

My three children have one sister but unfortunatley they are unable to see her at this time, due to the people she is living with. We write letters and hopefully her situation will change soon.

The mom will not be in open adoption, because although I 100% support it I know it is not best at THIS time because First mom is quite unhealthy and still in her addiction etc.

We do keep scrapbooks for her and keep an open line with the kids, but sometimes open adoption cannot look like what you want it because of external situation.

What is that old prayer?

God (or deity of your choice) grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;

The courage to change the things I can;

And the WISDOM to know the different.

i am still working on the widsom part.

Randy B

Regardless of what you guys may want it still takes more then one side to make an open adoption and in my opinion sometimes it's just not possible. I do believe that in certain situations they can do more harm then good so I'd suggest you give it some sober second thought and do what you feel is possible and what is best for your child. You can't force things to work the way you wish they would.

Annabelle

You can only do so much. I am in a similar situation as I am supposed to have an open adoption but both parents have decided they dont want that anymore. I have all the information written down (that I have been given) and a few pictures put away for my child. I also make a copy of the letters I send every year and I print out the correspondences from the agency. I just put it all in the file and will let my child have all of it when the time comes.

kookooberry

I really feel for you -- that is quite a mess!

We're in kind of a similar situation. Our daughter comes from a MASSIVE family and it can be difficult trying to keep up with everyone, but we do try.

I have managed to get some info for a family tree and I keep in touch with as many members of her family as I can.

I just try to do right by her. I can't make these people take an interest in her, but at least when she grows up, she'll *know* that I *did* try.

Cybil_Bennet

Open adoption just means that the bio parents can be involved, not that they have to be. Often times a b-mom or the AP's will stop contacting each other over time for various reasons. However, other children being involved is quite a different situation and an open adoption really doesn't have much to do with them. And if the b-mom refuses to talk about the father, then there's nothing you can really do. If you choose to let your son talk to her later on, he can ask her about it and maybe she'll tell him - but maybe not. It might not be fair, but it's up to her. Even if she had raised your son she may have never told him about his father, so you may just have to leave it at that.

The same goes with the b-mom's other children. He is your son now, so his siblings are whatever other children you have in your family. I would personally try to speak with the woman whose child also knows he/she is adopted and see if they're interested in establishing a relationship. If they say yes, then just be happy with that for now, and don't try to move an entire mountain at once. If they say no, then that is their right as parents and you should just leave the door open, but bow out gracefully and not force it onto them.

However, the children that don't know about their adoption should be left alone and you should respect the privacy of those parents. Making you feel better (by showing your son his six siblings) might create a giant slew of emotional problems for those six other children, so be very careful with who you contact and what you say; and most of all be aware that it about the best interested of all parties involved, not just your desires for your son.

It sounds like a really tough spot overall though. You really have to remember that, even though you left the door open, when you adopted him you severed his ties to those other family members. Now you have four sets of parents to work with, all of whom will want different things for their children, so be prepared for some parents to not want involved.

I'm glad that you're very into open adoption, but with so many children involved you are on very thin ice no matter what you do. Good luck.

destineeamber

I don't know what to tell you about his father. Unless his name is on the child's original birth certificate, there's nothing you can do if his birth mother won't tell you the father's name, and in the end she is the one who will have to answer to your son when he grows up and wants to meet his birth father, so don't be too hard on yourself. As for the siblings, my suggestion would be to contact either by phone or by mail the parents of the other children letting them know that their child has another sibling who is interested in meeting them if they want. Stipulate that they do not need to know he is their brother if the parents do not want the child(ren) knowing they are adopted, but your son would love to meet them. You could even offer to hire the 14 year old as a baby sitter (thus establishing a relationship between the two without the child finding out). If they are not interested, well, at least you tried. In that case, my advice would be to just ensure they know where you are if they change their minds (i.e., if you move, send them your new address; unless of course they threaten a lawsuit, in which case, drop it). Good luck!

LovetheLORDfirst

I am 100% for open adoption. My husband and I are getting certified to adopt an older child/teen. We have a baby together, and I have a 6-year old from my first marriage of 8 years. I compare my daughter's visits with her father to open adoption, especially since the ex has become quite unstable, and it would be tempting to not visit since he has become disinterested and we separated when she was a baby... I insist on At Least yearly visits, just so my daughter can know that her father loves her.

In this situation, I admit, I think you are fortunate that your little one is too little to be aware of any of this. I would say that if noone seems very interested in establishing a relationship right now, then if you end up adopting, without adding Too much emphasis, you tell your child he/she is adopted. As he/ she gets older, he/ she will be more aware of what that means. When he/she asks questions, you answer. I wouldn't give too much information while he/ she is young. Wait until they are older and are asking. There is plenty of time for them to get to know anyone in their family that they want to know in the future. Keep in mind his/her siblings are growing up in an unstable environment right now, or so it sounds.

I was the mid-life baby. My 4 siblings were 18 - 25 years older than me, and despite efforts, I will always feel a bit estranged from them. Nevertheless, I made the effort, and eventually they caught up. We all live in different states and e-mail each other a couple of times a week or more now.

You have good intentions, but again, I think if you try to force this to work to soon, you will regret it. It will all work out in the end.

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