Adoptees, if you feel like you were nothing special and were not "chosen"...?

cruzgirlz3

I feel special, but not "because" I was adopted. I think sometimes we go to far to elevating adoptees to this higher "special" status out of fear that they may feel like "leftovers." I just think sometimes we overcompensate by telling adoptees they are even more special than other kids. All kids need to hear they are loved unconditionally and wanted whether they are adopted or not.

My mother always told me how wanted and special I was. That's good. But she also told me that adoptees were special because their parents chose to have them. She still really believes from the bottom of her dear heart that we are MORE special because we are adopted. Really. Talk about pressure! No wonder I always tried to be perfect.

Once I had my own kids I kind of resented her saying this because my dear little bio kids are also "wanted" , "special" and raised by people who "chose to be parents. Can you get what I'm saying? I'm just saying that to say a child is special because they are "chosen" sort of elevates them above the rest of those ordinary bio kids :-)

Obviously my parents chose to parent me, obviously they love me. I don't need to be told that I was chosen to feel special. I feel special because my parents loved me, same as kids who aren't adopted.

sunny

Just don't push it.

He will know that you love him--isn't that enough?

Don't put pressure on him to be 'special', that's a lot for anyone to live up to.

And don't forget, that he's 'special' to his other mother, too.

Linny G

I am special because I am special. Being adopted had nothing to do with that. If I use you additional details on what you feel "special" means, I had/have a great future because of the gene pool in which I swim, and because of good parenting, and from sheer determination.

Sometimes, a parents put a lot of pressure on their adopted children, even though it may be subtle and unconscious. Almost like we were given to them to heal their pains of infertility. These special little babies, sent to save and heal our a parents. Little Saviors, in a way. Way too much to live up to, in my opinion.

Being put up for adoption did not make me feel like "nothing special". I am unique. I am, however, scarred psychologically from adoption, which also makes me & most adoptees unique. I have been loved immensely by my a family, which also makes me unique. Every unique experience in a person's life makes them unique. How they handle those experiences are unique, also.

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1

i've felt un-lovable for 40 years now. i will never feel special, and i will never trust anyone to not leave me.

if your mother can leave you, everyone can leave you.

Randy B

I had a friend years ago, who I have unfortunately since lost contact with, who was adopted as well. He spent most of his teen years trying to be the best he could be at everything he did. He worked out and practiced for years before he eventually swam Lake Ontario, he achieved a high position within one of the organizations he belonged to, he had 2 or 3 successful businesses before he was 35.

All of that sounds wonderful but he told me that the reason he worked so hard and trying to achieve so much is that his parents always told him he was special. Now, to many that may seem like a perfectly normal thing to tell a child, adopted or natural, but to him that gave him something he always had to strive to prove to himself. He readily admitted that his parents never did anything more then encourage him and tell him he was special but he brought it all on himself by having to prove to himself that he was worthy of that "special" designation.

Thats one of the reasons I've tried to never tell my children they were "special" and I've only tried to compliment them on their achievements or to support them emotionally as the wonderful individuals that they are.

monkeykitty83

Every child is special.

Your child is special-- because of who he is as a person, NOT because of his adoption status.

I think you should focus on the fact he's worthy and wonderful in his own right, because of the person he is inside... not because of the adoption, which he had no control over. You can't control how he feels about himself, but I think you should emphasize that he's great just for being him, not because he's adopted.

Problem Child

ditto what anastasia said...i feel like am worth nothing, and i'm afraid everyone will always abandon me.

Treasure Has One, Brewing #2.

No, the same way when you feel unwanted, unloved, or upset about some things, you don't stay that way forever. I'm sure sometimes they feel that way...but I'm sure they will also have emotions of sheer happiness and joy that you adopted them, and that you are their mother. Perhaps not the biological mother...but the mother who ensures their needs are met, their happy, and strive to make their lives enjoyable.

Why are people so blind?

There are so many horrible parents out there, selfishly making kids and raising them selfishly... I think its even harder on adopted kids who are brought into that situation instead of born into it.

I dont see how any child that I adopted and loved could ever feel like nothing special. I want to adopt so bad and the ferocity of the love I have for those kids is just as intense as it was for my unborn.

AllTimeL0wLuv3r!

no; my fiend has 2 adopted siblings, the 2 adopted siblings are actual brothers, sometimes when they are mad they will say things like, "well, your not my real mother anyway so i dont have to listen to you!" but any other time they act just like a normal kid and dont get made fun of and live basically a normal life.

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