Adoptees live in a fake life?

Freckle Face

Hi Super horse lover,

Part of your question i don't feel qualified to answer since i'm not an adoptee.

I can say that adoptees are NOT losers. Some of my favorite people in the world are adoptees. If you are struggling, i agree with Phoenix, go to adultadoptees.org.

I do NOT agree. If someone is handing you this bs send them our way.

Phoenix

I've found that being an adoptee can be very difficult, but I don't think that necessarily makes us into losers and people don't necessarily dislike us. I do have deep-rooted anger and loss due to my adoption, but I'm not a loser and I know people like me, not everyone maybe, but I don't care about them.

But when I was a teenager, I felt very similar to how you seem to feel now. If you're an adoptee, come to http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/

I don't know how old you are, but I know there's a teen board on that forum. The forum is very helpful with very welcoming people and has really helped me.

Piperdanai

No, I do not agree. I was adopted at birth. I've felt nothing but loved and special. I've never been made fun of for being adopted. Finding the statement above very odd. . .I've NEVER felt any of it.

almost human

this is a hard question to answer because there are three different parts to it, all of which can be at odds with each other...

part a: Do adoptees live a fake life?

i think some adoptees feel they were placed into a generic role not of their own choosing. ile, family photo - insert child here. i can see how this might feel like it has less meaning to them personally. however, living can not essentially be fake and authenticity means being true to ourselves. that is something which comes over time as we discover who we really are. for people with identity issues, that process just takes longer.

part b: the statement that adoptees have no identity, true parental love by biological parents, being teased, and having anger and sadness.

again, a lot of things to throw together.
i think there is a deep wound that causes great turmoil and confusion for adoptees. i think society is only now learning to be sensitive to that confusion. i think identity is in us all, but all of the above obfuscates that and makes our path to discovery harder.

part c: do adoptees have to be unlikeable losers.

i think we operate differently than non-adoptees - we are more fearful and defensive and slower to trust. most of society is privileged in that they don't have these issues to work around, so they don't consider or think about how it is to deal with, or how that effects interpersonal relationships. because of that privilege, unfortunately, the onus is on the adoptees to do all the adapting. but, adult adoptees can work to raise consciousness and educate the non-adoptive world to recognize and be sensitive to our challenges.

i think adoptees can be winners. we are extremely caring about other people's feelings because we are so acutely aware of our own feelings being discounted. we have a unique perspective on what's meaningful about something as basic as LIFE: we are forced to think about what affects people profoundly. because we struggle, we become extra thoughtful contributors to society.

AdoreHim

First I will say this- if you have had a sad life because you are adopted, I will be the first to say that I am sorry, and I hope and pray that you can learn to get beyond that sadness. But please, do not say that everyone of us have no identity, no parental love by bio parents, and were always teased. First of all, I have an identity- it is not in anyone person it is in God , who is the one that gave me life in the first place. I do feel the love of my bio mother- she told my wonderful adoptive parents, " I love this baby so much, I have to give her life, and then place her in the arms of a family so that she could have a better life". I am not sure if i had a better life, but I had a good life. You are not a loser by the way. Who ever told you that? You can be anything that you want to and put your mind too. If you are disliked, I am sorry about that as well. Let me tell you if I hated adoption like you are talking about, do you think I would would went out to adopt my two children? IF you want to talk ,please email me. I think you need some counseling to get past this, so you can really live.

For those who give thumbs down for answers like mine, think about this- just because it has happened to you, does not make it the norm. I am here if anyone wants to talk, I may have had a good adoption experience, but I am the first to say how sorry I am for those that haven't, and if you all look around there are people that will not hate you because you are adopted. Anyone that does has the problem.

Halo Mom

No, not at all

I have know several people that had adopted and that been adopted

If you are adopted, and this is how you feel, I am sorry

A parent is a person that loves and protects you. Some people that have biological parents do not have that. My sister in law has a 15 year old living with her for 2 years. Her parents decided they do not want to raise children anymore. The girl has a safe loving place to stay, and if asked, her biological parents are not her real parents, the women who took her in is.

I have know adopted parents that would push there child out the way of a speeding car, and gladly take there place. Just like I would do for my child.

There are very good parents, some have biological children, some adopted, some take other children in. Some are grandparents or Aunts or Brothers or Sisters.

Some people are awful parents, some are adopted, so are biological.

I am sorry anybody feels that and adopted child has not family, or no identity. that is not true at all

Crucio

I donâ€™t agree at all I have never been teased over being adopted. Most people think itâ€™s interesting and will often say â€œcoolâ€ and then thatâ€™s it. Nor am I angry or sad deep inside. I do have an identity I know exactly who I am. I have true love from my family and thatâ€™s whatâ€™s important. I assume my natural mother loved me to let me have a better life then she could have provide, even after she had considered reclaiming me.

I am sorry if your speaking about your own adoption and that people teased you over being adopted, that you feel you donâ€™t know who you are. I am sorry if you feel youâ€™re a loser because your adopted that is further from the truth and you really should not think such a negative thought. I would also suggest you seek counseling for your feelings.

I'm so sweet I need insulin

No, I do not agree at all! I'm adopted.. I DO have an identity. I don't need love from the biologicals, I have all the love I could ever want or need from my parents. Yes, my parents, who adopted me! I've never been teased, my friends have always thought it was kind of cool. I'm not angry or sad deep inside, I've always had a very happy and cherished life, I love it and wouldn't give it up for anything. I am not a great loser in any way, and I have tons of friends who don't dislike me in any way... So I disagree with your statement.

Gabby_Gabby_Purrsalot

I hope my son doesn't grow up feeling that way. But then again, He's my husband's bio 4th cousin and we have access to his maternal relatives anyway. (His mom when she gets out of jail; her parents and her sister now)

Indian-vision

Talk about yourself ? Not all adoptees had a bad life. *gasp*

Sophie

No, I don't agree. I have adopted adult friends who had a hard time as teenagers... but they are living real lives, married with children, a home, a car, etc. They seem pretty happy to me... but they did say they had a hard time as an adolescent.

If you are really sad, please talk to your social worker, foster /adoptive mother or father.

Adoptees are certainly NOT losers.

ghetto_princess283

I don't think this is true for all adopted children, but I'm sure some do feel that way. Maybe you should look into counseling or speak with your doctor about anti depressants for the meantime. Someone HAS to experience a loss in order for adoption to take place; usually the natural mother and the adopted child. I think that all adoptees feel that loss at least once in their life, but most are not depressed *no offense* on a daily basis. I really think that you should speak with a person who specializes with adoptees and their feelings. I'm sorry that you had such a terrible adoption experience, but maybe you could turn it into a positive situation. Can you do foster care? Or maybe you can help persuade legislation to allow for open files, and harder to pass home screenings. That way you could possibly prevent children from being in the situation that you were in. I hope this helps.

mscrawdad

No. I don't agree. I'm so sorry that you have had such a terrible experience that you would feel that way. The children I adopted had terrible experiences with their bio family, but I think they were very much loved by them, even though they neglected them. Everyone has issues with their lives. I'm sorry yours seems so sad. Good luck to you.

Rainia W

"They have no identity" I have an identity, and it isn't tied into my genetic history. Although I would love to know my genetic history, and I believe I have a right to know it, it won't change who I am NOW. That has already formed.
"no true parental love by biological parents" Although that is probably true, since my bio-mom wasn't able to know me while growing up, and my bio-dad doesn't know I exist I don't think, I do have adoptive parents who love me more than many bio-parents seem to love their kids.
"always being teased for being given up for adoption" I wasn't ever teased about being given up for adoption but I did have people ask me ignorant questions which could be annoying.
"they are so angry and sad deep inside" Well angry, no. Sad, sometimes but that isn't because of my adoption, that has roots in the genetic history part lol since I do have some health information I know that.
"They have to be great losers" Ouch, speak for yourself.
" People have to really dislike them." I am sure there are many people who do dislike me, but I am sure that there are just as many who like me as well.

chelseythebagel

No?.....

I'm adopted and what you stated was the opposite for me.

Anastasia's Mommy

No, I don't agree. I don't know anyone who has been made fun of for being given up for adoption, in a lot of cases the mother is trying to be selfless by allowing her child to be put in a home that can properly care for a child. And I'm sorry if you feel that you have no identity or love or that you are teased. But don't you think your adoptive parents love you? Why would they take on such a large responsibility if there was no love in their hearts for another human?

I don't think adoptees are great losers and I don't think that people don't like them. I think that teenagers have hormones and it's just something to blame the hurt feelings on.

Anyone can have an identity - they just have to learn to make it for themselves.

Sandy K

First I understand the pain..but it doesn't have to to be that way. I am not a loser and am loved by family and friends.
But there was a lot of pain and confusion along the way. I felt I was disposable.. far into my adult life. Never understood unconditional love until I had children of my own. I have felt that people would only love me if I could give them something.
There will be a a time that you being adopted will have no bearing on who you are. I know it's hard..and I know you feel that you are alone..but it's not true. Maybe not the people around you now, but, as you get older there will be people that attach to you not because of where you came from but because of who you are.
Make yourself into the best person possible. There is a reason we were made adoptees...there was a reason we were given away. I like to think it's because God knew we could handle it and shine.
Today all the horrible things that happened to me as a child were just tools that assured that my children would never have to endure what I did.

momof3boys

I know some feel that way but even those raised by biological parents have problems so it isn't because they were adopted it is a personal feeling they may have. I have adopted family members and they don't feel that way. They say their life is their life and their parents are the ones that took the time and energy to raise them and love them unconditionally even without the blood connection. When ever anybody feels negative about their life like that it is best to seek out professional help to learn ways to accept who you are. Being raised by your biological parents doesn't mean you will always have a great life and the things in your life aren't fake, they are a real part of who you are and how you are raised, it doesn't have to be based on a blood connection to be real. Parental love comes from a real parent not just blood. I know plenty of biological parents that treat their kids like crap and don't show them the love you think you are missing.

Oh me oh my...â™¥

How sad...........

I know a lot of children, adults, etc. that are adopted and don't feel that way. I think if a person feels like this the problem is way deeper than adoption and really needs some serious counseling.

Suzy Sunshine

Some people have problems and if they are adopted they can get a lot of sympathy if they try to connect the two.

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