Adoptees or adoptive parents: What is the rudest comment you've gotten about adoption?

Elizabeth

Ppl often ask me if the reason my daughter was "adopted out" because her mom was an addict. Her n-mother was not an addict by the way, also I had a women ask me IN FRONT OF MY DAUGHTER if I didnt have to pay as much to the agency since my daughter is black. I hit the roof at that question.

Cambria

I dated this guy once who, in the middle of one of our epic fights, told me the reason I was so upset about something was because "you were a throwaway baby. Your real parents didn't want you."

I threw the phone against the wall so hard it broke (just the phone, not the wall....although it did get dented....). I think the saddest part is that I kept dating him after that. :-P

Also, not necessarily rude, but always gag-inducing, were the comments about how I could date my brothers because I was adopted, so they weren't really my brothers.

Gross. They -are- my brothers and I don't even understand why other women date them half the time, let alone considering dating them myself.

Other questions, like "do you know your real parents" or "why were you adopted", while it is true that they are rude and that it is none of those people's business, I don't really mind much if they are asked out of curiosity or if the person just doesn't know better. I don't mind answering them and I don't mind educating them about why those aren't really the most polite of questions or how they may want to phrase them differently in the future. If someone is just curious or really doesn't know better, I think it is kind of a waste of time to get upset about it.

Bodhi

I've gotten variations on those you've mentioned, none of which were very comfortable to hear, or to try to answer.

The rudest of all was when I had mentioned that my First Mother already had two sons when I was born. The person I was speaking with said "Why did she give you up then? Maybe she saw you when you were born and decided she didn't want you."

The second rudest was during a different conversation with another person, in which we were speaking about me being born addicted to heroin. I forget what words they used so I won't quote them, but it was along the lines of me being destined to be a drug addict since it was "in my blood more ways than one" (that part, I remember).

Sadly, I would have to say the third rudest came from/continues to come from my own Mom. I'm part asian, and my APs are full caucasian. They downplay the fact that I'm part asian whenever it comes up - "oh, you're just a little bit, you can't even tell" (you most certainly can); "well, you don't have anything to do with that"; "now, what difference does that make?"; and so on. I have so little to grasp onto about myself, and one of the 2 or 3 things I know of myself, they try to erase. So yeah, that's pretty rude if you ask me :(

DevonChaos

Mainly that "they did a good job matching me, because I look so much like my a-dad."

We have the same color hair. Other than that, we don't look one bit alike.

One that was meant to be mean was "Your own mother looked at you once and knew she didn't want you". Someone said that to me in like first grade, and it still hurts to think about. I understand that they didn't know better, but still.

Megan

One that really bugs me is when people find out that my mom kept some of her children, oh why did she choose to give you up? Oh and an ex-boyfriend when we got in fights said Now I see why your mom gave you up for adoption. Glad he's gone!

Mom to Foster Children

I'm a Saint
I'm his only / real mother (I actually got this one from the family support worker)

Claire

I was what I often refer to as "semi-abandoned". My mother left me with social services when I was 6 months old.

I was telling a girl I knew about my adoption and I said,"...and so she left me with social services".

Her immediate reply was "Why what did you do?"

I thought I'd misheard but I hadn't.
It annoyed me so much.

I was a 6 month old baby, I didn't do anything. It's not like I was defective and she was wanting a refund.

It's just such a stupid thing to say to something who's been adopted. It's like telling them than there must have been something wrong with them.

Because I'm black and live in Ireland, and because of the era I was given up in, I get a lot of older people asking me "Do you think it was because you're black?" as a reason for my adoption. It annoys me, what do they want me to say.

The worst was one woman who asked me about my father. My mother is white and my father was black but I don't know much about him and didn't know anything at the time (I was 14). She asked me "Do you think he forced himself on her?". I was upset and said no. She then put her arm round me and said "Don't worry he must have I'm sure your mother wasn't the sort of girl who'd go with their type". She was actually trying to reassure me that my mother was raped because no good white woman would go near a black man. That's by far the rudest thing anyone's said to be my whole life.

casttostrangers

This one really bothered me. Few of these people know that I'm adopted.
At a wake of a girl who was 1 of 4 and the only bio. I was in shock how many people said to me.
So sad. You know she was their only real daughter.

fireflykissess

The rudest comment has been
that my parents aren't my real parents so i wouldn't know what a real bond between parent and child really was.

went out to dinner with my dad when i was younger and i went to the bathroom and the waitress asked my dad wheres your date? My dad laughed in her face and said ummm thats my daughter thanks for thinking outside the box.

Carrieh

I've heard the strange comments from both sides. My brother was adopted and my mom got sooo tired of explaining why he didn't look like the rest of us she just started telling people he was the mailman's son! I gave up my daughter for adoption at birth and met her again when she was 21. We have a good relationship and we spend a lot of time together but people do ask stupid questions like do I trust her around my husband and her half-brother and who do I love more. I try to tell myself they're just curious.

cruzgirlz3

"your searching so you can blame all your problems on being adopted?"

said to me three weeks ago.

It's A Boy!!

I'm not an adoptee, adoptive parent or birthmother but I don't belive people are trying to be rude, I think they are just curious.

If it was me I would just say"thats a funny question, why do you ask?" People want to talk about you more than themslefs and might stop any other questions. Also you might find that the asker might be affected by adoption in so way, and thats why they was asking those questions.

Angel

the rudest comment i have got was this answer i just got today Just because you came out of some woman's v***** you're not really her child, Your parents are the people who raised you and brought you up to be the person you are. Your 'real rents' are selfish people who never want to see you again and they should be ashamed.

crzymmof8

The worst thing ever is that we get "oh you are such angels to adopt these kids. I could never do that." Most of our children are special needs (2 in wheelchairs, one without an arm, etc.) This gets said in front of my kids. Not one of my children is deaf. I got asked by one of my daughters why it was special that we would adopt them and why those people wouldn't. I wanted to cry. I said well we get to be angels because you are our blessings and give us angel wings and that woman just isn't lucky enough to get to adopt you. I don't know if it helped or not as I could tell this bugged her and the problem is this type of crap happens a lot. I don't like it and don't know what to do about it. I am sure people mean well but the fact is that they don't know my kids and the fact that they are a heck of a lot more than their outward disabilities. We are the lucky ones to have them not the other way around.

IDK!!

That my son should have "paid his dues" In foster care before finding the home he deserves. you know because there are SOOO many people jumping to care (without compensation) for a child with FAS and a mountain of medical problems.....

Helena B

arent u greatful you werent aborted?

No.

Mei-Ling

This:

"why do you keep saying you were â€œintendedâ€ on being raised in Taiwan? Why do you think you were â€œintendedâ€ to speak a different language or culture than the one you speak? Just because someone was born in another country doesnâ€™t mean they were â€œintendedâ€ to speak that language. If your birth parents were rich and accidently had you in France, but then gave you up anyway, would you be pissed you didnâ€™t grow up speaking French? Or what if you would have found out that they moved to Russia right after they relinquished you, and raised other sibling(s) to speak Russian. Would you feel cheated from Russian culture? Whatâ€™s the obsession with genetics and culture? It almost seems racist to think that every person who is genetically tied to a country should be speaking that language. Geez, everybody who speaks regular old English is pissed weâ€™re not fluent in some other language, if that was such a problem, youâ€™d learn the language, youâ€™d learn the culture, itâ€™s never too late for that.

If your saying your birth parents absolutely did not intend for you to be adopted overseas, and specified that specifically, than I suppose you should be speaking Mandarin, or whatever they specified. But if they knew there was that chance, and didnâ€™t specify otherwise (although I really think in general they give up all of these rights when they relinquish) then I guess itâ€™s safe to say they left this up to chance. Do you think the baby Jesus wanted you to speak Mandarin? (Iâ€™m being facetious). Language is not genetic, culture is not genetic, you donâ€™t genetically belong anywhere more than another other place. You may be angry that your birth parents gave strangers the option to decide where you grew up and the language you would speak, but I really donâ€™t see how it is the APâ€™s job to help you keep the cultural ties in which your birth parents didnâ€™t see as an inheritant right for you. Culture is just another word for politics, the food is different, the language is different, the customs are different, but you canâ€™t say any of that one culture is better than another and that genetically you would have been better off speaking Mandarin or English? The point is, it didnâ€™t really matter where you grew up, but what might bug you is that that didnâ€™t matter to people whom you feel it should have mattered to. Well, it didnâ€™t matter enough for them not to relinquish you. Acting like you were â€œmeantâ€ to be Taiwanese reminds me of the creepy Christian APâ€™s who say God meant for
them to adopt. How can you know for sure what was suppose to be the right thing for you?

(and really this is a rhetorical analogy, and not really directed toward your situation specifically, Iâ€™m just using your reaction as an example)."

There are so many "apples & oranges" analogies plus dismissive implications that I don't even know where to START saying what the most offensive thing was.

sam22254

Maybe i shouldn't be answering this because i'm not adopted or nor have i adopted. What I can't stand is some dumb --- asking don't you want your grandson to have both a mother and father. I can't help it that the mother didn't want the child and my son does. No one lives for ever so to say that what would they do if one of them dies? Another one is God gave them a wonderful son. Get real God didn't give them anything. If it was a gift from god then the child would have been theirs naturally.

Baby Ayden in Belly! 40+weeks...

I feel you on all of this. My twin sister and I were adopted when we were 5 days old by wonderful parents. Parents who raised us and are "OUR" real parents. People refer to my parents who raised us as our adoptive parents, but to certain extents that can be offensive because I don't refer to their parents as the people who got drunk, f*****, and had them. I think people who aren't adopted are very ignorant and uneducated about what being adopted is all about. People have no understanding that just because your parents aren't your own "blood" doesn't make them any less of parents.

Cam

The rudest comment I've heard was here on Y!A where an adoptee suggested that adoption is a "woman on woman crime". This was well over a year ago and to me was by far the most insulting comment directed at adoptive parents.

kateiskate

My top rudest comments are:

1. Is that your real mom/sister/dad etc?

2. Why did your parents want to adopt from China? (I'm adopted from Korea. That still doesn't stop people from generalizing all Asian countries as China)

3. Do you think your parents will be mad if you look for your real parents?

4. Aren't you glad you are an American and you didn't have to grow up in a third world orphanage? (Um, South Korea is not a third world country folks)

5.Why would you want to find your "birth mother" anyway? She's the one who gave you away. She doesn't want you.

6. Aren't you glad you weren't aborted/tossed in a dumpster/raised in an orphanage, etc?

7. Get over it. You didn't "lose" your "birthmother". She gave you away because she didn't want you.

8. Your opinion as a TRA and IA doesn't matter because you are bitter and feel pain.

9. Race doesn't matter. You are the same as your adoptive family! Love conquers all!

cantstopLinnyG

I have many.

When people tell me my biological parents are not my "real parents"

When people tell me my adoptive parents are not my "real parents"

When people tell me I had a better life because I was adopted. I didn't. It was just different.

When people question my ability to love more than one set of parents.

When people tell me I could have been aborted. No. I couldn't have. Women who choose abortion would never choose to surrender a child.

When people tell me I was chosen. I wasn't. I was the next kid in line, my a p's were the next parents. Ding ding, we have a winner.

When people tell me I was "destined" to be with my a family. Nope. I was destined to be with my n family. Society had different plans for me. I made my own destiny.

When people ask me if my a parents think I dont love them because I searched. Nope. I searched BECAUSE I love them. Because they taught me about love and family.

When people tell me I should be grateful I was adopted. Sorry, no can do. I will never be grateful for losing my entire family & my destiny. I will never be grateful for pain and confusion and growing up with people who were nothing like me in any way.

When people say I want people to feel sorry for me and I play the victim card. I don't want pity. I want education and reform. I want adoption to be rare and ethical and ALWAYS in the best interest of the child. It is ONLY that when there is abuse or if there is no one in the child's natural family to raise him or her. Period.

Jennifer L

Oh, I've gotten several that I would consider "rude". The rudest comments I've ever received is on this forum. Of course, the internet makes it possible. It's a lot easier to insult someone over a computer than it is face to face.

In real life, I've gotten a few as well.

"You're a saint! You're a wonderful person for doing this!" Often well meaning, but still, I didn't do this for sainthood. Don't need a reality TV show or a segment on 60 minutes.

"You want to adopt *black* children?" Yes, someone actually had the nerve to say that to my face.

"How much did they cost?" Always popular.

Online, I'd say that the comments fall into two main catagories. Either people who have never met me are telling me how I feel. Or people who have never met my children or lived through their experiences are telling me what they feel.

"You just want to own your children! When they grow up they will tell you to stop controlling their lives and leave them alone." Obviously, this person was consulting a crystal ball or tarot cards.

"Adopted children don't really love their parents. It's Stockholm Syndrome." Enough said.

And finally, "The ONLY children that need homes are in foster care!" Really? You go live in a third world country orphanage and tell me that those children don't need homes. Yes, there are few infants and toddlers available for adoption overseas and yes, that's where the big "demand" is. But the older children living in orphanages deserve a home and family just as much as the children in foster care. Don't tell me they don't "need" one unless you've lived in their situation.

MrsMarshall=)

My husband and I are prospective adoptive parents. People always comment things like "why steal someone else's child." also they would ask questions and want to know every single detail of why we couldn't or wouldn't have children of our own.

or one that hurt the most when I was trying to adopt an African American baby boy came from a girl my class and she's like "why do you white people have to steal our children, adopt your own color, we can take care of our kids!"

Honestly I didn't think it was wrong of us to adopt a baby of a different race b/c it made no difference to us and to this day I wonder if it's the way a lot of people feel or if it was just her because in no way did we want to offend anyone. We still hope to adopt one day and help a child who needs a home =). I love kids and think every child deserves a family.

almost human

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What are you ?

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farm mom of 10

The most amazing thing anyone ever said to me was that I should keep in contact with my adopted daughters birth mother so that if she ever got her life together, I could give her her daughter back. (we adopted from foster care, and I did meet and work with her parents, and have an open adoption with her extended family) I said, "No, I adopted her, she can't have her back!" And my friend said, "Have you no mercy?"

Good grief!

emnari

People can be so rude!! I have 2 daughters (who were adopted) I don't have any bio children, so the question I get asked a lot is how come we didn't go to a fertility doctor or why didn't we get a baby instead of the older children. I usually ignore the question and go forward with the rest of the conversation or just ask a question myself.
I'm glad you have great parents and that you and your brother get a long so well!! I can only hope all my children get a long as well as you and your family!! Best wishes to you!!

Adoptionissadnsick

"Aren't you lucky, you were sooooo wanted... you were choosen"

"Your (adoptive) parents are just the greatest/nicest/most wonderful people ever"

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