Adoptees that have older biological siblings that were kept...?

Louby B

Every child that is in the same situation as your son will feel why them & not their siblings, maybe not as much now but as he gets older that's when he will think alot more about it.

To find out or to know you were the only one hurts deep within, you think did I do something wrong, was I a naughty child & the feeling of not being loved/rejection by your birth mum because you are adopted is felt alot greater.

I was 1 of 5 children & was the only one who received physical abuse & I always thought for many years that my siblings had been taken away as well. I had the biggest shock when only 2 years ago after I decided to trace my siblings that they still continued to live with the m) monster & they never received what I received. I nearly had a break down because of this as could not handle why me & not them. But this was because it was never talked about, so I was not prepared for what I found out.

The advice I can give you is to show him how so special he is, all the love you have. As he gets older he will more & likely ask questions, please don't shy away from the questions, encourage him to talk about his feelings & thoughts regarding his birth family. Provide him with as much information as you can regarding his birth family as he gets older, this will help him move forward in life.

I wish you every bit of happiness for you & your little boy

Heather B

Yes, why would a child not think that.

In a child's mind it's usually rationalized by the kid thinking there is something wrong with him; that he did something wrong or was 'bad' . it's the rationale of a child's thinking (for example when parents get divorced the kid often believes it's his fault)

Sending huge hugs to your son.

snowwillow20

He might not think it now, but when he's older he probably will. That is one of the first things my birth daughter asked me was why did you keep my brother and not me. She is older than him though.

Anha S

I didnt find out that I had an older sister and that she was kept until I was 18. I've had a lot of ambivalent feelings about it. Jealousy, anger, sadness, worthlesness. I'm still trying to work through it. And from her perspective, all her life she has been wondering why I was worth giving up to "a better life" and she wasn't. We both have our issues with it, and as hard as it is to get past sometimes, we are working towards forming a strong sibling bond. I do think that big why may be present from fairly early on. It was hard to wrap my brain around it when I was 18!

cruzgirlz3

I will answer for my sister here. She found out she was the youngest of eight kids and the only one given up. It was devastating for her to hear.

k4yjo

I have 3 older siblings that were kept we all have the same mother and father though they were not married/together. It was noted in my file that the reason i was put up for adoption was as she 'couldn't cope with another one' and my birth mother freely admits that.
With me she refused to acknowledge the pregnancy and received no medical care whilst she was pregnant with me, as a result i was born disabled. It took me an awful long time before i began to lose the feelings of 'not being worthy' particularly as i was not born perfect. I was lucky enough to find out that the adoption was going to happen regardless and was discussed before i was born so i know the disability is not to blame.
However, adoption was the best thing that could have happened to me and i have had a far far better life because of it
You need to be honest with your son, there was a reason he was adopted and the other child wasn't and you need to explain that reason along with how honoured you feel to have him and how much you love him. I was always told i was special because i was chosen, im not sure thats the best way of putting things but when i was 5 years old it made me feel wonderfully wanted. Also at that age i would wonder if my mother was a princess trapped by an evil witch and wasn't allowed to keep me, that was not good, i feel its important to instill a sense of reality about it from an early age, children understand better than we think. Talk talk talk and listen, its the very best way and he will know that if he ever does wonder he is allowed to bring the subject up without feeling he might upset you.
Best of luck

Mei-Ling

It hurts.

No matter what the reason, you keep thinking that you weren't "worthy enough" like your kept sibling.

Of course that's not true.

But while your mind understands that quite rationally, your heart cannot.

Torrejon

Of course the child is wondering!!! He is thinking: What was wrong with me? Was I ugly? Will anyone ever REALLY love me? Will I be given away again? Love = Abandonment?

I have a YOUNGER sibling that was kept. And, well, even at 40+ I have questions about that...why not your four year-old?! Considering that the typical, healthy four year-old believes that the world revolves around him/her...why WOULDN'T he/she wonder?!

I'd say that any remark tending toward: your bparents loved you so much that... is going to fail, sound like a lie, and be a source of mistrust between the child and whoever said it.

Myla

I adopted a child at birth, who was the youngest of 4 kids. The older 3 stayed with their mother. When my daughter was 5 we explained the adoption to her. She was confused and wondered if her birth mother didn't love her enough. She worried maybe she did something to deserve to be sent away. We explained to her that she exactly where she was suppossed to be, and the others were where they were suppossed to be also.

She is 13 now and recently her biological brother contacted her on myspace. It's interesting to know that they also questioned why she was sent away and they weren't. Her brother is 15 now, and he genuinely seemed concerned that she would be angry about it. She said she was happy and that seemed to make him happy too.

Dreamweaver ILF posse 2009

I never thought it. My sibs were teens when I was born and I figured bmom either was single and couldn't keep me (she was 35) or her hubby didn't want me or i wasn't his or something like that

thebulletwithin

I'm in a similar situation, but I didn't believe to think that until the age of 13 or 14. Just make sure your son knows that he's better of where he is. Raise him in a happy and loving environment.

drkangel210e

Yes, they do. (At least I did.) The only thing you can do is encourage him to talk about it. There's no real fixing the situation, just helping him understand it and deal with any negative emotions it might inspire.

Destiny E

I was put into foster care when I was two years old along with my older biological sister who was 4 years older. After a while, my birth mother, who was seeking treatment for drug use or something similar, took back my sister. I was put into another foster home and later adopted. I didn't even know I has a bio sister until later when I was a teenager. I felt betrayed, hurt, and angry. I felt like second best, and also felt I wasn't good enough for my mother.
I don't know what your son may think, maybe he feels like you rejected his brother and that he wasn't special. Or that he wasn't good enough, that is why he doesn't live with you. I am sure your son misses his brother.
In conclusion, my feelings have changed since I first knew about my sister. I miss her, but no longer really see myself as not good enough. I know my mother would not have been able to care for me.

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