Adoptees...what would your suggestions be?

sunny

Off the top of my head--don't get into labor & delivery stories, i.e."When I was pregnant with Little Johnny, blah, blah.."

Or "Little Johnny gets his green eyes from Grandpa Joe--just like ALL the Smiths!"

That kind of crap drove me nuts!

Torrejon

I always thought that I was the only adopted person on the earth that wanted to search. My amom told me once: "You can't search. The records are sealed. I have a birth certificate that says you are mine." Actually, that was true at the time she told me this, but the laws changed and I eventually did search and find. Don't speak to your achild in absolutes...things can and do change.

My aparents always used the line: "Your bparents loved you enough to..." As I child I knew this was a ridiculous lie told to make me feel better, but I always identified it as the lie that it is. Upon searching, I confirmed my life-long belief that this was simply not true.

I think aparents have the responsibility to bring up once in a while (once a year? and not on significant days like birthdays or the offensive gotcha-days) age-appropriate topics to be discussed and considered. I always knew there were things that seemed to bug me, but I didn't yet have the ability to articulate them or even put them into words. A bit of dialog would have been nice.

Adoptees are forced to live their situations very publicly. For instance, the stupid 7th grade genetics project that my science teacher hung on the wall for all to see. I am a pool of recessive genes...obviously not my adad's child. So, everyone in my 7th grade science class simply assumed that my amom had me from illicit affair. What a hoot! I always wondered why my mom couldn't have called that teacher and requested bit more sensitivity for me and my desires for the publication of my genetic history. For her it wasn't an issue (she didn't know that my classmates thought she'd had an affair), but it did matter to me. Realize that your achild will have his/her own issues...and they might even be different than yours.

And I resented then and even now anyone who tells me how I should feel about my adoption or my feelings about my adoption. It is MINE and I will think and feel how I want to about it.

DevonChaos

I was an only child, but I was raised with a cousin in my house. Everyone always told him that he looked just like so-and-so. I was told that I favored my dad, "even though I was adopted". I am sure this was just there to make me feel better. I don't look anything like either of my parents, and had grown taller than both of them by fifth grade. I was told constantly when I was a child that I was a "gift" to my parents, and that I was special. I didn't want to be special. I just wanted to be theirs. Theirs by blood. I wanted to look like someone, sound like someone, laugh like someone. Until the day I had my first child, I didn't know what a special feeling that could be. I honestly feel I would have felt more a "part of things" if the whole adoption thing was played down a bit. I also never wanted to feel like a gift, I wanted to feel like a part of the family.

I don't know how to advise you properly from the standpoint of a parent, but I can tell you that from the standpoint of the child, I never felt like part of the family. It just wasn't who I was.

Problem Child

I had two older brothers who were the biological children of my parents. From the minute I found out I was adopted, I always felt different. I don't know what could have been done to make me feel more an equal part of the family quite simply because I was not.

I was not, am not, and never will be biologically related to my adoptive family. This makes me feel different...an outsider. No one and nothing can 'fix' that for me. Maybe it would have helped if this had been acknowledged and talked about...maybe early therapy might have helped me...I don't know because I never had this.

My distress surrounding being the only adoptee in the family was completely ignored until I was a suicidally depressed, rebellious and substance-abusing teenager...at which time I labeled a 'problem (child)' and then I really felt defective and even more like the outsider and black sheep in the family.

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1

there was absolutely nothing my parents could have done differently.

they have a real son, an adopted son and me. i will never be real. my oldest brother always will be their only real kid.

my adoption status makes me feel not real. i never have felt real, and i never will feel real.

rachael

i had ward and june for aparents. so life was pretty good overall. but a few points i would suggest are:

1. "you are soooo special, we picked you" or "you were choosen" or any version of this. BAH!!! never tell them this. tell them they were and are loved and leave it. period

2. never ever lie, hurtful truths are better any day. honesty at all times

3. allow them to embrace what interests them. not what you are comfortable with. i loved music, art and rock and roll. they werent into that, they wanted me to be country and timid. play basketball and do crafts not art. i truly feel this robbed me of many things i could have really enjoyed.

4. dont specify 'adopted' or 'real/bio/etc...' my baptisim cert acually states 'adopted child of xxxxxx & xxxxxx'
no, no, no. never.

5. realize if they have interest in finding their bio family that it HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. it is not a personal attack, it is not a reflection of your poor parenting and it is not an affirmation of not loving you. it is a basic and normal need. you have your roots, support them to find theirs.

6. never say or allow anyone to say they should be 'grateful'. that word is taboo when used about anything involving adoption. dont tell me how to feel, i know how i feel, i had nothing to do with the adoption. it was not my choice. dont expect me to worship you for saving me. you cant say for sure that is what you actually did. 'grateful' is a huge no no.

7. love them, punish them, praise them, whatever just as much as bios. not less, not more.

8. and from personal experience, dont have blatent private conversations with your bios and not with them. even if you have more in common with your bios-find something, anything that you can also share with them. some of the only negative memories i have are seeing how close my aparents and my sister (their bio) were. long talks, private whispers, tender little caresses.
i was not ignored or neglected in any way. but conversations were strained. we literally had nothing in common. and they didnt know how to bridge that. they clung to my sister because she made more sense to them. they 'got' her. i was always the odd man out.

sorry so long. but that is what comes to mind. good luck to you and your family

Mei-Ling

I don't know that my life would have been "better" - but it would have been "different" - and that's where I *should* have been.

"Fate" may have decided who my adoptive parents were, but "Fate" did not erase my loss, lend me language capabilities to communicate with my original parents, hand me my culture, give me back my siblings, or erase that I was born in my birth culture.

To decide that "Fate" is the reason why I was adopted is the equivalent of saying that my mother was meant to lose me JUST so I could be adopted - that's not fair to her OR my father.

In the long run... I'd say to never single out your adopted child and make *sure* to treat them all the same.

~Mrs.Johnson~ TTC#1

I wouldn't ask my parents to do anything different. I was adopted at age 8 and I am now 21 and married. I immediately felt as much a part as the family as anyone else may have. My dad has two kids with his ex wife and my mom could not have kids. So I feel like I am their child together. The only time I feel like I don't belong was when my cousins brought up their childhoods which I should have been a part of but I'm not. The biggest thing I think that made me not feel so strange was that no one was on guard and they were not overly eager to make me feel welcome. I didn't get special attention, etc. Don't get me wrong, no one ignored me but I was not treated any differently than anyone else in the family. I was spoiled by my parents a lot, but I was the only child at home. As far as siblings go....they will use the adoption thing again the adopted child when the need is necessary. I wouldn't keep it from them either. I was adopted one time before my family now and they totally just treated me like any other foster kid. Too many rules.....never introduced as their daughter....etc. You will just get a feel for things as they grow older and you face those weird situations. My best friend was also adopted and she feels exactly how I do. We wouldn't want it any other way. Of course there is a part of me that never feels like I'm completely a part of my family now...it is just a thing we go through our whole life no matter how hard someone tries. We will always remember our past....but if you adopted a baby the problem will not be too bad. And its not something I constantly think about or something that just looms over me from day to day. Occasionally things are brought up like medical history that just make me wonder...I don't have a medical history....I do, but I do not want to see my biological mother. That is another thing...always answer your childs questions. You will feel as though it will hurt them if you do give a truthful answer, but I'm a stronger person because of why I was adopted and because my parents always answered my questions. I've been legally able to find my biological family for 3 years now and I do not want to. That is not my family. Hope this helps...sorry its confusing...so much to say!!!

How is someone going to give me a thumbs down? This is my life and how I feel. I'm not giving advice blindly here. I've been through it all. I know exactly how I would like to be treated and being adopted you see a lot of things.

kiahsobyk

All three of us were adopted, but I am absolutely my mother's son.

Why? She treated us as her children. There was always the truth--we knew from the very beginning that we were all adopted. But when she said "I CHOSE YOU," it carried with it the full measure of force as the phrase "I GAVE BIRTH TO YOU." ...and I have blood children of my own, now--don't think I don't know what I'm talking about where the difference is concerned.

My adoptive family is broken now, for a myriad of reasons. But the tie between my mother and I is as unbreakable as any blood tie I've ever encountered (or fathered).

So my answer to your question is: don't do anything differently to try to make your child feel more wanted. He (she?) must BE your child from the very tips of his hair to the very marrow of your bones.

The adoptive family will always have different issues to deal with, but they are by no means insurmountable. Kick your mother's instinct into high gear and trust it--that's all you'll ever need, because a child will feel wanted if he really is wanted. And he is---because you CHOSE him!

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