Adoptees, would you prefer adoption or foster care...?

I'm making some assumptions here:

Your biological family is unable to parent.

You have already been removed from the home.

The adoptive parents are NOT abusive, support your rights, and are fun people (I'm just sayin', I'm fun people...lol).

To even out the playing field, let's assume you were able to stay in the same foster home until you turned 18, and that your foster parents were great people, too.

Having a little emotional crisis here, and I'm hoping you guys can help me move on. I just need to know if we really are doing the right thing by wanting to adopt through foster care. It's important to me that we NOT add extra harm to a child who is already suffering.
Additional Details
Sunny, glad you asked:

Are you going to change my name? Yes and no. Your original name will stay intact. Our last name will be ADDED (not replacing your last name, just added at the end, for legal reasons). If we add a first name, it will be before your original first name, but that's unlikely since we are adopting older kids through foster care. I had thought, though, about the possibility of allowing our kid(s) the opportunity to change their own names, if they want.

Are you going to make me act like we're related? See, now that's a tough one for me. I'm not going to pretend like we're biologically related, no. But my hope is that our child(ren) will be able to feel a real sense of family. We're no substitute for biology, but we can love a child as much as they deserve to be loved (i.e. unconditionally, totally, non-judgmentally, etc.).

Are you going to force our 'relationship' down my throat, and try to make me feel grateful for saving me? Absolutely not...

sunny

I don't know.

Are you going to change my name? Are you going to make me act like we're related? Are you going to force our 'relationship' down my throat, and try to make me feel grateful for saving me? Are you going to deny my history, and call yourself my 'forever family'? Are you going to speak of my mother (not 'birthmother') in a disrespectful way? Are you going to make me feel bad for wanting to know my family someday? Are you going to honor my wishes, tastes, and desires, even though they will be different from yours? Are you going to tell me (or let others) that God meant for us to be a family?

Some things to think about. If you want to adopt a child so that you can guide this young person, and enjoy the pleasure of their company while they live with you, I'd say go for it. If you're into the examples mentioned above, I'd say you should either have your own, or get a puppy.

I think it's a good sign that you care enough to ask.

Lillie

Well of course adoption, who are we kidding?

I just wish it didn't mean that my birth certificate had to be altered and sealed, and my past kept from me like it's some deep, dark secret that I can never know. THAT is what is so bothersome about adoption. If an adoptee wants to access his or her birth records, it should be up to the individual...let them decide what to do with their own records!!

Having a loving family is great. No child should go without that. But why do we continually need to deny adoptees the rights to their origins in order to give them that?

LaurieDB

Well, if I'd stayed in foster care, I'd actually have the same rights as everyone else regarding access to my own birth certificate. Imagine that. Records don't seal just because you've been relinquished from you natural parents. They only seal if you happen to get adopted. (Oh ya, birth parent anonymity rights exist -- my behind.)

But, I'd still want a legal family that went beyond the age of 18, as well as contact with my natural family. That's just me. That's why we need reform that re-instates an adopted person's rights to his/her own birth certificate.

Ya, selfish me. I want a family and my birth certificate, too. Just like non-adopted people who aren't in foster care. Amazing how some people want us to be adopted, but don't want us to have the same rights to our birth records that non-adopted people -- including relinquished people -- have.

Melinda E

I would prefer adoption. I have been in the same situation. It is better to know you are a real part of a family. Foster care is too unstable. Adoption is a permanent thing. They can really feel like they could put the heart into the family. Without the fear of being moved and starting all over. I plan to do Foster care. I was in foster care and I got hit and abused. I tried to report it and nobody believed me. I want to make another child's experience better than my own. My goal with foster parenting is to adopt. If you have room in your home I would say do it. You have to be ready to deal with the trauma the child has already gone through. Counseling and alot of patience is needed. I came across alot of children worse off than me. I was in respit with a baby that was thrown across the room by his father. He had some medical concerns. But he was adopted by his foster parents. I saw him a few years ago and he is fine. Another time, a brother and sister, they were tied up naked by their feet and beaten. They were so sweet and innocent I will never forget about them. When you think about what all these kids have to go through, it really breaks your heart. I want to help as many kids as possible. Good Luck

Gershom

if you're considering adopting a child from foster care, just ask him or her. I can't speak for him/her I dont know what he/she has been through and where they are in life. Just build a relationship with the foster child/youth and ask him/her. imo thats the best thing to do.

Possum

Gaia - this is a seriously good question - and I'm sure that you will be a wonderful parent.
I think you've already received some wonderful answers from other adoptee peeps - I'll add some of my thoughts.
You think deep and hard about how the adoptee will feel - you're already doing way better than my adoptive parents did - and I love them like crazy.
I think that you can only take every step and hurdle as it comes - thinking things through well - asking the hard questions of yourself - and being open and honest at all times.
I would suggest to always keep reading widely - adoptee blogs - books. Often words will only reach you when you want them to reach you - meaning - every time I read a book - I'll often get more out of it on each occasion.
Here are suggested books -
http://origins-usa.org/Default.aspx?pageId=27390
Here are links to adoptee blogs -
http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index.php?topic=2805.0

If it were me -
I'd hope that I could still have some contact with my bio family - whether close family and/or extended - depending on the situation.
I'd also hope that you wouldn't make me feel like I had to be loyal to either of my families. I have two - that's part of me - and I really want to love all equally - and for different reasons.
(I'll already have conflicts within my own mind on this - I don't need your feelings projected in on top of this - KWIM?)
And I'd want to be loved and comforted - no matter how I feel - as my emotions and feelings would probably change often - as I've already had a messed up start to my life - and I need a parent with bucket loads of patience to at least try to understand me.
And I'd probably have moments that I'd lash out - even when it's not deserved - but I'd hope that you wouldn't take that against me - as I'm just a messed up child - and I'm just trying to find my place in the world.
I'd want you to take things slow with me - let me ease into the situation - until I feel more confident that you will not leave me.
I'd need time to let my guard down.
I'd want you to not force your ideals of me - but instead - show me much - guide me well - and let me make choices for myself - and be supportive of my wishes.

I think - to a foster child - they want stability - they want to know that you aren't going away - they've been 'let down' to many times before and that means they want some kind of 'adoption'.
I don't think you should change first names at all - it's about them - not about you - unless - of course - they want it to be changed. Adding extra names is probably OK - but changing is really about adult needs and not about the child's needs.
Sadly, adoption currently in the USA means sealed records - and I have a great hope that that will change soon - but if you do go through with the adoption - make sure you have copies of the original OBC before it's sealed away in some dark secret vault.

Children are - who they are - they don't want to be changed - they just want to be loved, cared for and accepted for who they are and where they've come from.

melissa

I really dont have an answer, just wanted you to know I think this is the most interesting and heartfelt question I have ever seen on YA....your question and answers seem to be so honest, I think, that any child that you get to foster and adopt is one lucky kid....good luck and god bless you

janine k

as an adoptee i know that i would rather belong legally to a family for life than maybe never having one at all when you are adopted you get a whole family for the rest of your life not just for a few years

Santa's Lil' Helper

I am not making a comment or rating because I am not an adoptee...

Just wanted to say this is one of the BEST question I have seen on YA!

Keep them coming....very insightful!

Kym M

I guess it would be wherever you were most comfortable. No matter how fun a person is it would only matter where I felt at my best. :)

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