Adopting a baby - tell the truth?

aloha.girl59

Hi,

I disagree with you where you say "there are goods and bads for each." There is *nothing* good about lying to a child you are raising. Imagine how you would have felt at the age of 8 or 12 or 15, finding out that your parents weren't your biological family. Would you have felt abandoned? Betrayed? Hurt? Angry? All of these things? Why would you want a child to feel that way?

My son is an adoptee. We brought him home with us when he was 2-1/2 years old. He doesn't feel jealous at school or at friends' homes. He knows he has two adoptive parents who love and treasure him AND he also knows that he has two natural parents who love him very much but weren't able to take care of him. I realize that he's only 7 years old and the anger and hurt may come up later, but I am prepared to deal with that...and to help him search for his natural parents if he so desires.

I had 'issues' when we first brought our son home -- wanting to be his *only* mother, feeling jealous that I didn't get to experience his babyhood with him, thinking that searching for his biological family would tear me apart, etc. -- but I got over them. I wasn't very well-educated when it came to adoption loss and now I know that adoption isn't about ME; it's about my son. I have to do what is best for HIM...and I'm not only OK with that, I'm all for it.

tish

lies only work for cheating husbands, and politicians.

in the rest of the world, lies help no body, just the person who's telling the lie.

kids need to know the truth. and quite honestly, i think your theory only helps the parents who wish for the world to "believe" the child was born to them. the theories of jealousy and that all adopted kids were abandoned (and i'm not attacking you) is unfounded.

to me there is no good to lying to your child.

Mei-Ling

Children are not abandoned.

Actually scratch that - they are left-to-be-found. The word "abandoned" implies that they may have been unloved, which is often far from the truth.

It may *feel* like that, but *feeling* like that and actually knowing for the FACT that the child WAS unwanted are two very different things.

Abandonment does not equal unloved or unwanted.

It's better to tell the child ASAP - yes, you were adopted - at a young age.

"in a lot of cases adopted kids are loved more than birth children" - psychology classes would beg to differ.

LaurieDB

You state in your question that there are "goods" and "bads" in both scenarios. This is simply not true. There is no good involved in keeping the very basic truth of your child's origins from him. Holding the truth from another person is, in fact, lying by omission, which is still lying.

It is widely accepted that keeping this a secret is not only unethical, but can lead to psychological issues for the adopted person as well as relationship issues between the adopted person and his adoptive parents. You can Google the term "Late Discovery Adoptee" to find out how keeping this basic, but very important, knowledge from him can affect him.

As far as feeling abandoned, the child may very well experience feelings of abandonment whether you tell him or not. This is because the separation between the child and first (biological) parents was very real. Not telling your child about the adoption doesn't erase the fact that the separation occurred. If the child experiences those feelings and knows of his adoption, he can at least understand part of the puzzle and be able to talk about those feelings with an actual and meaningful reference point.

When at all possible, adopted persons should have the option to know, or at least know about, their first families. If the child isn't told the truth, then this possibility is squashed, even if it exists otherwise.

Sophie

Tell the truth from the start- it's nothing to be ashamed of. Families are formed in all kinds of ways.

PhilM

If you don't tell them, you are lying to your children. You risk making them feel betrayed. Not a good way to start a relationship.

Some reading, before you consider adoption:

* "Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self" by Brodzinsky, Schecter, and Henig

* "Journey of the Adopted Self" by Betty Jean Lifton

* "The Primal Wound" by Nancy Verrier

Neil

The truth from the start!

Randy B

I've been blessed with being able to adopt two babies over the years. Neither time did we ask for a baby, it just worked out that way.

In both instances we have spoken openly about it from the start and I wouldn't have it any other way. Not only were we not able to "hide" the adoption because both children are a different race then my wife and I but even if we could hide it we wouldn't.

My maternal grandmother didn't find out she was adopted until she was almost 70 and it just about killed her. No because she was upset over being adopted but because it was too late by that time for her to learn anything about it. In the years since she was adopted as a baby her parents (adoptive parents and she eventually learned) passed away before she was 12, she moved from Ireland to Scotland to England and then over to Canada all before she was 18. Her brother, the only person who may be able to shed some light on things, died a few years before she found out she was adopted (to be fair, he may not have known himself as they were close in age) so she was cut off totally.

We have always told them age appropriate info as they were ready for it and in that way there is no sense of having been lied to or having lived a lie.

Minnimouse

i always knew I was adopted and can imagine the horror of finding out later on. I cannot trust my adoptive parents any more. It is the plain and simple truth. They hid my past, my past is important and I lived it.

The first thing my parents hid from me was "oh by the way" the man who visits me every birthday is actually your birth grandad. I had been searching the streets for relatives. This was when I was 15. I was livid.

I thought I had been adopted at birth so the the second piece of info they happened to miss out was rather shocking. I found out via a memory. Yes, a memory. I remembered suddenly at about 11 that I was a baby and I was screaming and crying. I was in someone's arms and reaching out towards a woman in a room. There were several other children and I could see the grey floral wallpaper in the background. I did not want to leave. This memory kept coming back, I talked to my adoptive mother and she said it happened and that was her taking me away from my foster carer at 5 months. Oh, okay...so I was fostered?!?!?! GAH!

Why was I fostered? No one would tell me. I sneak into my dad's room and find his diary. Written in there is "found a potential foster child, lovely little girl, she had just been out of hospital as her former adoptive father had been physically abusing her. Very sad".........Riiiight. I actually didn't care that I was abused, I cared more that my life had been kept a secret. I had 5 months of life that went on that must have been highly traumatic and they didn't have the guts to tell me the truth.
I had so many problems in my life that suddenly were answered. I love animals, I adore them don't get me wrong but when I was 9 I would go into a state (lke I was having a seizure) and physically abuse my kitten. I did it about 5 times. My parents didn't know about it. I was terrified. I thought I was evil and you can't imagine the guilt I felt. I never realised that I was acting out something that happened to me in real life until I was 16, I talked to a counseller about it and she explained that that's why I would have done that. I cried for a whole day because of all that guilt I had carried. I thought it was all my fault.

Adoptive kids know. they sense they are different. They also sense when something is being hidden. They will also search and find out the truth eventually. And when they do...they will hate you forever :) Never hide the truth. Ever. Even if it is negative. Children have the right to know about their past.

BOTZ

There is no 'good' or 'upside' to keeping it a secret -- at least not for the child.

If a person chooses to LIE to someone to 'prevent' them from being hurt -- the fact is that the person is still lying, and thus, still hurting them.

When -- NOT if, but WHEN -- they discover that their parents have lied to them, the pain that the parents were trying to save them from will still be there AND they will not have the support of their parents (the people a child should be able to trust) to help them. Their trust for and faith in their parents will be destroyed. For some people, it can NEVER be regained/repaired.

I am a grown woman who was adopted. I always knew it -- my parents told me from the beginning and talked about it often. There are things about adoption that hurt -- no matter what. I'm glad my parents didn't deceive me and create a situation that would have RUINED our relationship.

My 'real' mother (the one who gave birth to me) did not abandon me. Adoption is almost NEVER that 'simple'. Mothers of children who are adopted VERY RARELY have abandoned them. That's not how it works.

Daisey Duck

Being an adopted child I can honestly say the truth is the best way to go. I was adopted at a very young age and my parents told me from the get go.You have to tell them in age appropriate language so that they can grasp the concept. I know I would have been very upset if I had not been told and found out later in life. I would have felt betrayed, lied to and a whole heap of other bad things. I never felt jealous or anything else and certainly never abandoned. Only good can come from the truth, and only bad from lies.

anonymous

they have every right to know, if you're doing the right thing, it will hardly affect them. Not telling them is an aweful thing to do, they'd lose all trust in you.

Russ

My daughter knows that she is adopted and we have made no secret about it since she was born. We openly talk about to her about being adopted and anyone that considering adoption. We got our angel through the Fost-Adopt program and have no regrets.

She IS our daughter and she knows it!

She is not introduced as an adopted, just as our daughter.

(She is now 14)

Gracie Niemi

I would say tell them right away...as soon as they understand. My mom has adopted several children and they've known about it since they were at least 2 or 3. It was kind of easier for them to understand so early because my parents are white and the children are african american and some biracial. Of course they noticed the difference of the skin colors...they would say 'I'm brown and you're pink" haha they all have pics of their birth family, which I think is important. They understand that they grew in their birth mothers bellies and my mom was their to see them born and took them home. My mom has never told them 'You're birth parents gave up on you' or anything like that...I don't think that is ever the way to go. My mom told them that their mothers knew they would be so happy having a family like ours, and wanted them to have everything they needed. If for any reason the child is bitter about their mother 'giving up on them' just let him/her know that it's not the case. Let them know that they are loved where they are at which what their mother wanted.

hargonagain

My son is 1 year old and we have a close relationship with his birthfamily and we see them at least once a month if not more. So there is no way he won't know that he is adopted, but he also will know his bio family too. I would never keep it a secret, I would hate for my son to find out on his own or through a spiteful relative and hate me for lying to him.

aaradhya

tell them da truth
coz if they find it out later on, they might be distant to the baby

AdoreHim

I was adopted and have 2 adopted children. I was told as soon as I could begin to understand the concept of adoption- and we told our children early as well. About the "real" parent issue- I do have real parents, they are the ones that raised me. I am not negating that my birth parents were not real. I think adults have put to much emphasis on "how devastating adoption can be" so it puts stigmas into the minds of our children. Granted some kids can have a hard time. My son had a bit harder time then my daughter, however both know that their birth parents did not abandon them, they just wanted what they thought best for them.

Knitwitter3303

My husband and I are adopting too. We were told it could take 18 months or longer before we have a placement. We will tell the child that he or she is adopted from the start. We will never tell him or her that they were not wanted or were abandoned. That child was wanted and will always be loved. We will tell him or her that the birth parents could not provide a secure safe environment and wanted the child to grow up happy and healthy and be provided with things that they could not provide. We have discussed adoption with all of our relatives and we, as a family, want and will love that child. I do not see any bad because when we adopt that child we become his or her parents. I don't really like the word real in this instance and I think there will hopefully be no reason for jealousy. Those friends parents did what was best for that friend by keeping him or her, but the adopted child's birth parent did what was right for him or her. It is win-win. Both the friend and the adopted child are wanted, loved, and in the best place for them hopefully. That's how I think of it. That child is even more special because I chose him or her. That child is my gift from God and will be cherished.

cassie

i would tell them as soon as they started talking that i loved them as my own and will always be there mom and that yes they do have biological parents that love em but were generous enough to allow me to be there mom!

â™¥â™¥Ritaâ™¥â™¥

yes, tell them the truth from the beginning. I have placed many children from the public sector and only one said they would keep it a secret and the fact this baby looked nothing like either adoptive parent made it seem even more like a train wreck in the making.

Children want to know where they came from, who they look like, what happened when s/he were born. This is a fundamental part of human development. We spend countless millions of dollars every year to find out about our ancestors and not telling an adopted child their very basic origins could, IMO, create trust issues between you and your child.

H H mama to 2 beautiful girls!

well you need to tell them, but honestly a lot people these days also do open adoptions

larrylucier

Well this is a easy one to answer. My parents adopted four children. Twin boys who are now 16. Two girls who are now 10 and 9. They all have known about them being adopted. When the adoptions were final we held adoption parties to signify a celebration. They loved it. The boys we have had in our families for 14 years, the girls we've had for 8 years. The only thing I can say is that before you do adopt, make sure you know as much about the biological parents as possible. It's nature and nurture. My brother who is now 16 is also MRDD. He was a perfect little baby boy when he was brought home, but has given my parents more than enough reason to want to go running to the hills. There is a lot of guessing. I am now 25. I can not have children. Being from a home that I have 4 adopted siblings and 2 biological siblings, I would not recommend it. PLEASE DON'T GET ME WRONG!!!!!!! I love my family more than anyone would ever know. I just have seen the good and the bad. You also have to understand I am seeing it from a siblings point of view. But for my personal opinion. I don't think I could ever adopt. The parents of the children want to claim they love them and want them and always will, but they can't take care of them. THAT is plain crap. I have known many people from various walks of life that has had children and has managed to take care of them. Some with support systems, and some without. I don't think I could ever be a adoptive parent. But at the same time I long to have a child I know I will never get. My advise. Be very cautious about adopting, think it through, there are no do overs.

christina

tell him/her the truth from the start. i heard of the adoptive families celebrating this day called "Gotcha Day." it is the date that the parents got the child. and you have cake and ice cream, celebrating their adoption. or it could be celebrated on the day that they were adopted. just tell the child that their old mommy could not take care of them, so they decided to give them to a new family that could. because they wanted the best for you. there is no reason for an adopted child to feel jealous, because their adoptive parents should treat them as their own, and love them just as much.

my parents did foster care and we adopted 5 kids.

im in high school, and i have heard kids say, "your mom doesnt love you because they're adopted!" they say it as a joke and think they're funny. the kid wasnt even adopted, and they know it. that makes me upset when i hear people say that. especially because i know that that statement isnt true. actually, in my opinion, in a lot of cases adopted kids are loved more than birth children. because a lot of parents have kids on accident, and dont want them. but if a parent adopted their child, then you know that they wanted them.

and like you said, if you dont tell them, they will most likely find out sooner or later anyways.

Drahfruida

I think it would be harder on a child to grow up thinking someone else didn't want them, so they'll have to try and believe that you do!
There is an appropriate time for everything. When you have established a loving knowledge to your child that your his parent and he/she can trust as such to give care and love and shelter to their lives. Its important for them to know, but I think as they get older then they can be mature and understanding about the situation.

Akemi

i plan on adopting when time is right and when they are over 14 i would tell them because when younger kids find that out they feel unwanted by there real parents

KMJR

wait until they ask u then u can tell them the truth. and it really shouldn't be a shock to u or them b/c they would have already expected that.and so y'all can still go on w/ y'all life.So I wouldn't really be worried as much. but jux be ready to have an answer for them. and u don't have to go into details. and i hope that it works out for u and that u r able to adopt a child. bye much luck

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