Adoption Issue (I need help)?

wynn

If you don't feel ready for contact with your mother, how would you feel about your adoptive mom finding out for you about contact with your siblings? Maybe you could even just start out with online contact.

Also, where do you live? You need to find peer groups - I mean other people your age to talk to who have something in common - other adoptees, or perhaps friends who are biracial and understand about having a family that is black & white. If that's not possible where you live, then look online for groups.

Please don't feel like you're a mistake. Your mom has some problems that have overwhelmed her. Sometimes children are the ones to suffer from that, but it has nothing to do with what kind of a person you are.

Also, if you can, I think you should share some of your feelings with your adoptive mom and dad. Of course they can't experience what you're feeling, and they probably can't make it better, but I find that when I share my pain with people who care about me, it does ease things for me just a bit.

Lillie

Don't feel like you have to talk to your n-mom if you are not ready. Just take it slow, use your a-mom as a mediator if that is more comfortable for you, or write letters, or just don't do anything right now. But you need to focus on YOU and deal with your own pain...you need to heal your own heart before any type of reunion could ever be successful.

The suggestions to find a support group with other AA adoptees adopted by white parents is a great one. You will find a lot of healing by being around other people who can relate to your specific situation. People who truly understand how you feel and what you have been through & are going through.

Even just an adoptee support group might help if that is not an option.

Have you talked to your adoptive parents about your feelings? Do they know what you have been going through? If this is something you feel you can bring up with them, then I do urge you to do so. Maybe they can help you find the resources you need to get through this.

Focus on yourself first. It sounds like you have a lot of healing to do; good luck, and always remember that you NEVER have to be grateful for your existence on this planet or that someone "took you in". That was a horrible thing for her to say and she should be ashamed. You are a wonderful person who is just as deserving of happiness as anyone else, remember that.

Mei-Ling

Jessica: "be appreacative that someone like them took you in, they chose you over anyone else"

Being loved is NOT a privilege. It's a basic human RIGHT.

Original Poster: You need to find other people to talk to about this. It'd be good if you could find another peer group that is black that you could speak to and identify with.

Also, talking to your mom would be a good idea. She might say something like, "But your skin colour doesn't matter because we love you."

If you decide to speak to her and she says that, very politely tell her that she is white and that you are black - ignoring the ethnical differences will not change how other peers perceive you, and she NEEDS to try and understand that as best she can.

If she can't, or you don't want to tell her, then I highly advise what Lillie said.

cmc

I'm sorry you are dealing with all this. It must be difficult on top of normal teenage changes. Not all parents are good parents, so if your mom had decided to raise you things could be a lot worse for you. She probably thought she was making a good choice for you.

It is a shame your parents haven't helped you adjust a little better. I would try and seek out black adults that might help be a role model for you (people worth modeling). Actually if you're in the US you can be pretty psyched about Obama's win! Also maybe try to find some other teens in your situation - black kids being raised by white families. There is a group in Oakland California called PACT that deals a lot with transracial adoption and I think they have groups for teens - even if it is only on the internet you might reach some people that way. Here is there web site: www.pactadopt.org

faith

the fact that you know so much about your birth mother its awesome. if you have a change to talk with your real mother you should because you might have a peace of mind when you find out why she left you in the first place and it might also build some confidence.

mmmckinn

Honey, no mother gives her child away because she doesn't love him/her. The mother gives the child away because she DOES love him/her and wants her to have a good home, which she cannot provide at the time. Sometimes moms are just dirt poor and cannot provide, even on welfare for a child. Your mother probably knew that the best thing in the world was to make sure you were with a family that loved you and would give you everything she couldn't, including a stable home. She loves you, she dearly does. I'm sure she has much guilt about you and your siblings. If your mother didn't want you, she would have aborted you, not gave birth to you and found you a wonderful home.

You are here on this earth for a reason. However, you are still very young. If you want to make both your mother, and your birth mother grateful you are alive, you will go to college and get an education. Maybe even be a social worker or a teacher who helps children just like you. Perhaps even a Psychologist that helps adoptees.

A's Momma

I can understand how you feel. I'm adopted (I'm Asian) and I was adopted into an all white family. I have grown up feeling like I was out of sorts with my family, even though I know they love me. Now at age 23 I'm well adjusted, love my family (parents and siblings) and my husband. (We just had our first child.) I'm very happy with my life. :)

It's hard but people who laugh at you are not mature nor are they any types of people you want to be with. And I can't believe people still beat you up! That's racist and should be reported. When you turn 18 why don't you ask your adoptive parents about your birth parents. Perhaps you can look them up if you feel that is something you still want to do given her past.

Good luck to you. :) You can email me if you have any questions. :)

Sophie

It's apparent that you think your "real" Mom is not your idea of a fine citizen, and that is alright- you don't know her... yet. You will be able to make your own judgements soon enough. But there is one important thing to remember- you are NOT her. You are a good person with a ton of opportunities... and everything you feel right now is so normal. You are so NOT a mistake! I can tell you that right now.

If you are not sure you can talk with your "real" Mom, can you talk to your adoptive Mom? Tell her everything you're feeling and ask her for help to get you through this uncertainty period. Maybe you could make contact with your "real" Mom by letters, first, instead of face-to-face. That may be a little easier.

allchildrenareangels

go ahead and ask your Amom why you. I am sure there is a reason you were picked and I am sure it is not because, you were loved any less than the others. If I had to guess since you were 3 months old. In a situation like that they will put the youngest up for adoption. A lot of times they don't have the money to take care of all the children they have had. Sometimes they realize they just can't handle that many children. They pick the youngest because, they feel it will be easiest on the youngest child. They feel that you are young enough to bond with a different family. She probably also felt you would have a better life then she could give you. Go ahead and ask your AM I am sure she will be glad to help you.

Love,
Michelle

LOVER!!!

WOW THIS IS A DIFFICULT SITUATION TO BE IN! I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL, I WAS ADOPTED MYSELF WHEN I WAS ONLY A COUPLE MONTHS OLD. NOW I AM 29 YEARS OLD AND HAVE A DIFFERENT OUTLOOK ON EVERYTHING.
WHEN I WAS GROWING UP I OFTEN FELT I DID NOT BELONG AND DID NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THE REST OF MY FAMILY HAD THEIR NATURAL PARENTS AND I DID NOT. THIS MADE MY CHILDHOOD AND TEENAGE YEARS VERY DIFFICULT NOT ONLY FOR MYSELF BUT FOR MY ADOPTIVE PARENTS AS WELL. I ACTUALLY WENT TO COUNSELING CAUSE I WAS HAVING A HARD TIME TRYING TO UNDERSTAND WHY MY NATURAL PARENTS DID NOT WANT ME. IT HELPED SO MUCH JUST BEING ABLE TO TALK TO SOMEONE OTHER THEN FRIENDS OR FAMILY AND TO KNOW THAT THEY ARE THERE TO LISTEN, HELP AND NOT TO JUDGE OR DISCRIMINATE IN ANYWAY.
ONCE I WAS OLDER (21) MY ADOPTIVE MOM WAS ABLE TO CONTACT MY NATURAL MOTHER AND THEY WOULD TALK A LIL AND MY MOM( ADOPTIVE) WAS ABLE TO BREAK THE ICE WITH HER (NATURAL) BEFORE I SPOKE TO HER... THIS MADE THINGS EASIER IN A WAY AND I ALSO KNEW I HAD THE FULL SUPPORT OF MY MOM WHILE I WENT THROUGH THIS. ONCE I WAS ABLE TO TALK TO MY N. MOM SHE WAS ABLE TO ANSWER SO Q'S THAT I HAD ... AND TO BE HONEST I AM ACTUALLY VERY GRATEFUL THAT I WAS PUT UP FOR ADOPTION... IF MY N MOM WOULD HAVE KEPT ME WHO KNOWS WHAT WOULD OF BECOME OF MY LIFE AND WHERE I WOULD BE.... THERE IS A REASON TO WHY EVERYTHING HAPPENS. AND LOVE AND APPRECIATE WHO AND WHAT YOU HAVE IN YOUR LIFE... DON'T WORRY BOUT WHAT OTHERS SAY... BE STRONG AND BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. YOU AE SO YOUNG STILL YOU CAN BECOME ANYTHING YOU WANT TO BE I'M 100% SURE YOU ARE IN A FAR BETTER SITUATION NOW THEN YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN IN YOUR N MOM WOULD HAVE KEPT YOU..
AND AS FOR RACE BEING AN ISSUE............IT SHOULDN'T THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING... RACE CAN NOT MAKE ANYONE LOVE YOU ANY LESS.
BUT YOU DID SAY ONE THING THAT IS VERY CONCERNING YOU SAID YOU SAID YOU GET BEAT, BUT BY WHO? NO ONE SHOULD BE LAYING A HAND ON YOU... AND IF THEY ARE GET HELP THATS NOT COOL... AND IF IT'S AN ADULT THEY NEED TO BE REPORTED... EVEN MORE SO IF IT IS YOUR ADOPTIVE PARENTS. THEY ARE SUPPOSE TO BE PROTECTING YOU AND RAISING YOU RIGHT NOT HURTING YOU...

I WISH YOU THE BEST AND HOPE THAT THIS MAY OF HELPED A LIL................LOVE ALWAYS : )

Jessica

be appreacative that someone like them took you in, they chose you over anyone else, they didnt have to pick a black baby, they didnt care what anyone else thought.. and u shouldnt either.. and as for your real mother, she took the best choice and gave you up, who know what kind of situations you would be in right now, drugs, molestation from your mom strange guys,, ok you dont feel like you belong, but you do and u know you do,, when you get older your realize how good you have it;

yeah dont see the reason for 19 thumb downs, i didnt say anything wrong

Leah N

u seem like u wanna seem white with that avatar

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