Adoption Question #1: Anyone who gave up a child to open adoption?

realmom lese

I placed my child as a newborn, to what was supposed to be an open adoption. When I signed the final papers, the adoption door was slammed closed in my face. The agency tried to get the adoptive parents to honor their promises, they tried all 18 years, but the adoptive parents got what they wanted from me....my baby. That is ALL they cared about. It didn't matter if they crushed my heart in doing so.

I didn't see, or hear, or know anything about my daughter for 18 years. She started searching for me at 17, found me right before her 18th birthday. She was abused by her adoptive parents. Physically and mentally. That was a very hard pill for me to swallow, to know that I am the one that gave her that life by chosing adoption.

You might think that mine was an older adoption, that openness is honored now. WRONG.

Open adoptions are a marketing tool, that's it. They mean nothing and are not enforceable in any court of law. It is standard practice to offer and promise openness to the natural mother with no intention of honoring it. Open adoptions are the proverbial carrots used to lure in pregnant mothers. Agencies and attorneys are still using the same lures on women that were used on me. Nothing has changed. Do not fall for it. I did, and it made my life more hellish than it should've been.

I do not recommend adoption, because I think you will be in for a lifetime of pain. However, if you do chose adoption, I will never turn you away from help. If you make that choice, please get your OWN legal counsel. The attorney that an agency assigns to you represents the agency and the adoptive parents NOT YOU. They will have you believe otherwise. Have your own lawyer that has nothing to gain, from you placing your baby for adoption. Adoptive parents have a harder time reneging on promises to a professional attorney than they do to the mother of the child they are entrusted to raise. I wonder why.

Best of luck on your decision. My heart goes out to you. Be strong.

Ghost Writer Rides Again

At first, it was nice. Since the couple who adopted my daughter were pretty far away, we held regular web cam chats where my older child and baby could "interact" with one another. But then my older child began making "sissy" references. Then baby began to point and say "Sissy M-"

The web cam chats stopped abruptly.

A month later, we got a letter stating we would only get pictures and updates and that the girls were not siblings and to never make reference to such again.

How f***ing insecure and jealous was that? Feeling threatened by the relationship of a preschooler and a toddler.

FYI- once the adoption is finalized, the adoptive parents are under NO LEGAL OBLIGATION to keep the adoption open. It can slam shut at any time however they see fit and there is nothing legally that can be done by you.

Ricki

I am wondering the same thing as you as open adoption is also what I am looking into. Well not only looking into I know what I want to do and I want an open adoption for my baby.

p.s beware of all the potential parents on here who will email wanting your baby.

cantstopLinnyG

Noelle- this is the second time you have asked about surrendering a child. My heart is breaking for you, because you don't seem like you want to do this. I will repost my original post for you, and I hope you will follow the links and find resources that have helped other young women in your situation.

Please do not accept emails or advice from anyone other than first Moms or adoptees.

I hope you are well informed as to how adoption will affect your child, and you. An agency or prospective or current adoptive parent will never tell you what you will be dealing with for the rest of your life.

Please check out these links as to how this will affect YOU and YOUR child. A baby doesn't want "things", only to be loved and raised by his or her natural mother.

Also know that open adoption is NOT legally enforceable in the US. An adoptive parent can shut the door on you at any time, and there is NOTHING you can do. No pictures, no emails, NOTHING. Please know this. Agencies use the promise of open adoption with girls who are having a difficult time with their decision to relinquish. They KNOW it is not enforceable.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QOZGwqHVn...
http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_fa...
http://www.nancyverrier.com/pos.php
http://www.amfor.net/acs
http://www.origins-usa.org
http://www.motherhelp.info/index.htm
http://www.babyscoopera.com
http://www.keepyourbaby.com/the_primal_w...
http://www.cubirthparents.org/edd/index....
http://www.thegirlswhowentaway.com/

Books:
The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier
Lost and Found: the Adoption Experience AND
Journey of the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness both by Betty Jean Lifton
The Adopted break Silence by Jean Paton
The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler
Adoption: Uncharted Waters,by David Kirschner
Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self by David Brodzinsky

Heather B

Heres a short video from women who have walked in your shoes before you:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ENMZZdaHI64

Even in 'open adoption' they seal our records away and tell us adoptees that our mothers want 'privacy' and 'annonymity' and we 'must never disrupt their lives'

Be careful. Promises are not worth the paper they're written on.

yeahright

I am answering from the adoptive parent perspective. I email my child's natural mother about every 3 or 4 days depending on what's going on. I include/photos, videos and anything else I can think of in those updates.

Given the situation and logistics (we live 2000 miles away), we don't see each other but I would be happy to if she wanted to. One of the reasons she said she chose us was we were not close by. I did ask her to give us family pictures, photos of her other children, photos of her growing up and to please write letters to our daughter and I would save them unopened in a box for her.

I would have no idea how my daughter would refer to her. I would think that would be up to her depending on what her age was etc....

grapesgum

First, I understand how difficult this decision is for you. There is an outstanding pamphlet written by a mother who gave her child up for adoption. I recommend that you read it before you make your decision. It offers some very realistic advice for anyone considering adoption.

"What you should KNOW if you're considering adoption for your baby"

http://www.cubirthparents.org/edd/index.php?id=1

I will answer your question for my daughter's best friend who was scammed by adoptive parents who promised open adoption but then took her son and ran.

How often does she see her child? She has not seen her son since her mother had to pry her hands from him in the hospital.

Do you receive email updates? She has never received an email update.

Do you regularly receive pictures? She has never received a single picture of her son.

How does your child refer to you? Her son does not know that she exists. She does not know where he lives or if he is even dead or alive.

Open adoption is a scam devised by the adoption industry when the number of newborns being given away dwindled to nearly zero. It was instituted under the guise of being the best for the child, but the original purpose was to pump up the number of babies available for adoption.

Open adoption is still adoption with all of the inherent pain and loss for the mother and the child. Don't believe adoption agency propaganda that it is the "easy" way to give up a child. The majority of open adoptions are closed shortly after the baby is born. Note that the rosy, sweet answers about open adoption here are from the adoptive parent point of view, not from people who gave up a child for adoption as you requested.

I strongly suggest that you read this written by mothers who have lost their children to adoption:

http://www.exiledmothers.com/open_adoption/index.html

It is good that you are asking questions and not believing the adoption industry propaganda on the WEB.

Birthers are NOT mothers

You can dream of an open adoption all you want, but that's not likely going to happen. If you want to see your child grow, raise it yourself. That's the right thing to do! If you give it up, you don't deserve to be a part of it's life. You don't get the perks without the parenting.

Keep your kid!

BLW_KAM

Noelle,

I've been an openly adoptive mom for ten years and counting. With a tween in the house things are much different than they used to be. My daughter and her natural family can now e-mail and talk on the phone whenever they want. We video chat using Skype, keep in touch through MySpace and see each other once a year. (There's no restrictions on visits, that's just they way it's worked out.)

When my daughter was an infant I spoke with her natural mother every week, sent pictures and videos every few months and visited in person twice a year. As time passed and her mother got married and had two children the contact was less and less frequent. I leave the door open and let her mother set the pace for the relationship. It seems to work better for her this way.

I don't think there's any proof that "most" open adoptions are closed by the adoptive parents. I think there's more web space devoted to the subject and there are those who refuse to believe that adoptive parents can be honorable because they have seen the opposite in their own lives.

But there are many adoptive parents who maintain open adoptions because they believe it's the right thing to do. The trick is finding them.

kidmindi

As an adoptive parent in an open adoption, I talk to my daughter's first mom several times a week. Sometimes we call each other just to chit-chat.

She used to live an hour away from us and we made sure she saw her daughter at least once a month, and we tried to get together every other weekend. She didn't have transportation so we would go get her and let her spend the weekend with us.

Last summer she got married and moved to another state. Since then she has seen our daughter once, but is planning another visit in May or June and then again in August for our daughter's birthday.

She is my friend on my myspace and I post 100's of pix there so she can see and copy all of the ones she wants. I also e mail her mother pictures since her mother doesn't do myspace.

For now, our daughter is calling her Aunt A_______. All of my other kids call her Aunt A_______. Our daughter is only 2 1/2 (and has developmental delays so she is functioning at abt an 18 mo old level)

We discussed it and decided that our daughter would be confused my two "mommy"s As our daughter gets older,she will know that "Aunt" A________ is her first mother. We will tell her the story of her birth and her first 8 months living with her first mom. Then she can choose what she wants to call her first mom. I have no problem is she decides to also call her "mom".

However, as other ppl have mentioned, adoptive parents can promise you the moon and stars then once the adoption is final, close the door w/o so much as a goodbye.

There are open adoptions that work. I would suggest meeting several possible adoptive parents for your child and get a feel for them.

Choose a couple that you feel you could be friends with. Because for the next 18 years, that is what you will need to be so your child doesn't feel that loving one parent is disloyal to the other.

Good luck in your search. I hope that you find parents for your child that will honnor whatever open adoption agreement you all feel comfortable with.

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