Adoption Sadness and Loneliness ?

Valentina

I think it is harder for your birth parents from Korean to found you then it is for you to find them. I think at the moment it is all up to you to find them. America provides such hope. They probably were so happy to have you adopted by an American couple because you will have the ""American dream" at your possession. It is affecting your life so you need to talk to your parents about it. They did not hide the fact that you were adopted from you so I am pretty sure they expect you to want to know who your birth parents are someday. Give your adopted parents a chance, talk to them. Please please talk to them or a counselor or somebody since it is affecting you emotionally and physically.

Let us know what you decided to do ok.

Best of Luck.

Mei-Ling

Yes, yes, some of us indeed understand.

Come on over to adultadoptees.org/forum! :D I'm sure you'll find MANY understanding adoptees.

ETA: "Ok, so I wasn't adopted and I haven't given someone up for adoption, but I am a mother. I am sure you birthparents think of you everyday. No one but they can ever know why they gave you up and it won't help you to dwell on it."

With all respect towards your position as a mother, I am politely reminding you that you are NOT adopted, and so should not be telling another adoptee how to feel regarding their own birthparents. Refusing to dwell on it doesn't make it go away - it just prolongs the pain.

kitta

I thought about my lost son every single day until I was able to find him again.

myst1998

My daughter whom I lost to adoption is almost 11. There has never been a moment in the past 11 years where I have not thought of her... I carry her everywhere with me in my heart... and I am sure your mother is the same.

Jennifer L

As an adoptive parent of an international adoptee, if my child was experiencing what you are experiencing, I would want to know. I would not consider it a threat or a rejection. I would do whatever I could to help my child, including helping him/her search, going back to their country of origin, or whatever it took.

Please consider talking to your parents. They may be more willing to help you than you think.

Lioness

I would strongly encourage you to find either a local support group or an online chat room for adoptees. You definitely need some support. I think what you are experiencing is really normal and the people who would understand that the most are other adoptees. Best wishes to you!

kateiskate

I'm adopted from South Korea too. I also experience the same sadness and loneliness it seems that you do. I don't really talk to my parents about my adoption issues because I am still worried about hurting them.

Christmas night when I went to bed I cried because I missed my first mom. New year's eve I cried too because I knew it was another year I would be lonely, another year I wouldn't get to know her, another year I would wonder if she misses me.

Don't feel like you are alone in feeling the way that you do. A majority of international adoptees (you didn't mention if you are also a transracial adoptee like me) feel the same as you and I do. Don't ever feel guilty for feeling sad or lonely. You have a right to feel however you want to feel. Ok?

Lori A

I didn't read any of your answers. I wanted to tell you straight off that I most definately thought about my daughter. I missed her and worried about her more than I would tell. Adoption is hard, harder than some will give credit to. I'm going to go read your answers now. Hang in there.

ETA: Don't you just love it when someone who has NO CLUE about a subject give condescending advice? Use the link Mei Ling gave you. It's not exactly what you need, but it sure will help. See you there.

Serenity71

Have you tried to talk to your parents at all about this? If its affecting everything you're doing then maybe its time for you to see what else they know about your birth family. Surely they knew you'd want to know them eventually. You might be thinking your parents won't like it but they may just surprise you and want to help in anyway they can to obtain information. At 16 you're beginning a journey and entering another stage of your life, so you're normal, and feeling like you do is part of it.

Mei-ling has directed you to a forum so it might be a good idea to go there and ask for advice on approaching it with them and meet other people who are in the same boat.

Good Luck!

cantstopLinnyG

You are not alone. Almost every adoptee, domestic or international, feels this way at some point.

Please visit the website Mei-Ling gave you. Its an amazing support network for all adoptees.

kidmindi

I'm also adopted. I remember having alot of the same feelings as you when I was your age.

It's ok to cry if you need to. Do you have a friend you can talk to about your feelings? If not a friend what about a family member? If nothing else maybe you can talk to the counselor at your school.

One thing I did when I was a teenager, was to keep a journal to my birth mother. If I was sad or lonely or even angry at her, I'd write it all down, along with the questions I had. It helped me alot to write those things down and to get them out. I met my birth mother when I was 18, and then I gave her the journal.

When I met my birth mother, I asked her if she ever thought about me and she replied "every day of your life"

I am now a mother myself, both by birth and adoption. I can tell you that having gone thru pregnancy, I don't see how any mother could just forget the child they carried for 9 months. A mother loves her child long before the child is born and a mother's love is one of the strongest there is.

As an adoptive mom, if my daughter ever has feelings like you are having, I would hope she would come to me with them. I love her very much and would hate to think she was going thru so much pain and she didn't share it with me. As her mother, I want to help her thru any painful time in her life. Do you think your adoptive mother would feel this way too? If so, try sharing your feelings with her.

tish_part deux

i agree with what mei-ling said...including her edit to the OP (the non-transracial adoptee) who wants to diminish your feelings...

go over to adult adoptees. you'll be among friends.

littlemama

Im sorry you feel so alone. Nobody should be this confused. Im not a parent that gave up a child and im not a child who was adopted. However I am a mother and with my first daughter i thought i was going to have to give her up. My boyfriend left i was only 18 didn't have a job or my license not even my high school diploma. there was no way i could have supported her on my own. luckily he came back and we worked things out be for she was born but if i would have had to give her up it would have devastated me. I know i would have thought of her everyday no doubt about it.

Also i have two adopted sisters. The youngest doesn't remember her birth mother but her older sister does. And she has a lot of anger from knowing she was given up. And sadness and hurt for why she wasn't wanted. She still believes that if she is too bad she will have to leave our home too. It is very hard on her and we are doing everything we can to reassure her that everything is going to be ok. And that we all love her no matter what.

Talk to your parents that's the only way you will be at peace with yourself.

loopy822

im sure your birth parents miss you and think of you everyday. for whatever reason they couldn't properly care for you and thought they would give you an opportunity for a better life. i think you should not dwell on the sadness of being put op for adoption, but live your best possible life im sure it's what both your birth and adoptive parents want.

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