Adoption: Should I help my boyfriend find his birth mom?

He's not exactly "adopted" but when he was about 5 years old, his mom put him and his half siblings in an orphanage because she could no longer care for them.

The agency contacted his father (his parents were long separated, and his father was living with another woman at this point) to see if he wanted to come pick up his son.

His mom eventually came back for the kids but by this time, my bf's father had come to claim him. This was about 25 years ago and it was the last time that he heard or saw from his mom or siblings. His mom wrote some letters but his dad hid them.

My bf has expressed interest in finding his mom and siblings. I don't think it's fear that's holding him back - it's that he has a hard time following through with plans (he recently started treatment for ADD).

I found an address online that I believe belongs to his half brother and I'd like to write him a letter. I was wondering if it would be inappropriate to try and find his family on my own as a surprise? I hate for him to be disappointed if he finds them and they don't want anything to do with him or that he gives up after a few leads fall through.

Any thoughts?
Additional Details
I found some addresses for the mom online through a free people search but the most recent one is several years ago and it looks like she's moved a lot so I'm not sure which is the right one.

But the person that I think is the half-brother has one recent one.

And...I'm not going to hire a private investigator to do what I can do for free.

Gershom

I think that you need to tell your bf that you have found the address and leave it up to him. Its his search. Its his choice. Its him that needs to make that choice.

I understand you not wanting him to be hurt if its not the reunion he's expecting. What would you tell him though, that YOU contacted them and YOU don't want him too? Thats not your place. Its his and its his journey. If you want to help him, be there for him every step of the way. Give him a shoulder to lean on, give him support because searching is emotional.

If she came back for him and sent letters, I can't imagine she would reject him now.

Good luck! and send him over to http://www.adultadoptees.org

cmac

No, don't do it yourself - kind thought that it is.

I am adopted, and have a daughter who I had to have adopted, many years ago. I have made contact with my birth family and daughter. I am so lucky it has been a happy reunion.

I needed to begin my journey to find my family at my pace. Emotionally it was difficult. I would have been mortified and very angry if anyone had done it for me.

Certainly, help him if he asks but leave the choice to him.

Good luck.

Joseph, II

This is a VERY Personal Decision...-& I don't think there's any ONE Answer to it... Tell your Boyfriend that you'll Support whatever He decides to DO- & be there, how ever it turns out. This can be a difficult "journey" in a person's Life; & the BEST thing You can do - is to BE THERE for Him along the way. Good Luck! :)

mortiicia3

It would be appropriate to help him and to encourage him, but without his consent and permission, it would not be appropriate to contact his family members. What it would be is interfering in someone else's personal business. If you would not want someone to interfere in your business without your permission, then you should not do it to someone else (including your boyfriend). Just be supportive. That is enough.

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1

as an adopted person, please do not surprise him. tell him first.

it's way too much to surprise someone with.

mystic_echos

Don't do it for him, he has to do it himself. ADD or not, there is a method to an adopted person's madness on when and how they want to find their bio mom/dad.

Doodlestuff

Do not do it on your own. Let your bf make ALL the decisions regarding this issue. It is his life. If you were married, it would be just the same. If he wants you to be an intermediary, then that's fine, but let him ask you to do it.

skatergurljubulee

If it's something that he wants to do, I would support him. When it's later downn the road (if you guys are still a couple- I'm sure you will be!), he'll be able to think about you fondly during the tough times when he was searching for his mom.
Hope this helps,
Skatergurljubulee

xoxo

This is one of those sensitive things that could destroy someone. He really needs to be part of the process and you need to know his true feelings.

Good luck with which ever path you choose!

MeerKat

Stay the hell out of it, this is his decision, not yours. You have no business being Nancy Drew here, this is not some play time thing. When he is ready he will decide for himself what he wants, MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS

thistlesnshamrocks

If he wants you to help, then go for it!

a-boogie

Since it's your boyfriend's family, you should include your boyfriend in the search. Let him know about the address you've found and if he wants to contact them, let him and support him. If they let him down and he realizes that they don't want to have a relationship with him, comfort him as best you can and maybe help him slowly forget about the incident.
I think the best thing you can do for him is to support him in anything he chooses to do.

Elfivia

if he wants to find them, I think he most certainly should. But if they are weirded out and he is rejected.... that would be devastating.But I do not think you should find his family for him. Help him, but make him part of the search!

Trecie G

While he is there show him what you have found Before contacting anyone and tell him that you support him and would love to help him.
Even if they reject him he has the right to know and if you contacted them and learned this information and kept it fom him it could have an impact on your relationship.
Good luck!

Kimi

Why not find the mother and talk to her first and see how her feelings are about him and that she would like to see him.
it would mean alot to anybody that wants to see their parents again
so you should give it a shot

Lili

I think its a great idea!

bouiver

hire a private investigtor they can find her good luck

tori

yes,i think you shuold totally help him because that is like part of his life,and im sure that he would like to move on with his life instead of moving backward.good luck and i wish your relationship great luck!!!!

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