Adoption/abortion, please help me?

cantstopLinnyG

I had an abortion BECAUSE I was adopted. The pain was minimal, and it was over in a flash. Not so much for adoption. I will go to my grave missing my family.
Please do NOT give your child up for adoption. The pain will last an entire lifetime, for you and YOUR BABY.
Please read the facts about adoption and how it will more than likely affect YOUR BABY and YOU. If you decide to continue with your pregnancy, your child deserves to be loved and raised by YOU. Adoption does NOT guarantee a better life, only a different one.

Also, do NOT contact anyone who has asked you to, or who has emailed you already. They are greedy vultures who want to make money off your baby, or want that baby for themselves.

http://www.cubirthparents.org/edd/index....
http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_facts/adoption_coercion.html
http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org
http://www.amfor.net/acs
http://www.origins-usa.org
http://www.motherhelp.info/index.htm
http://www.keepyourbaby.com/
http://www.thegirlswhowentaway.com/
http://www.nancyverrier.com/pos.php

http://www.youtube.com/user/adoptedthemovie

Books:
The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier
Lost and Found: the Adoption Experience AND
Journey of the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness both by Betty Jean Lifton
The Adopted break Silence by Jean Paton
The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler
Adoption: Uncharted Waters,by David Kirschner
Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self by David Brodzinsky
******************************

snowwillow20

It's a very difficult decision to make and a very hard decision to live with.
You can choose the parents, but keep in mind that open adoptions are not legally enforceable.
No future employers will never know, it's your secret to live with. Once you relinquish and sign papers, the child is no longer yours.

Felicita1

Your decision right now is between whether to have an abortion or become a mother.

Once your child is born you are a mother and the changes that you experienced with pregnancy and birth will be all-encompassing, life-changing, and eternal. Did you know that the brain is totally re-wired by pregnancy and birth in order to ensure the mother will bond with and nurture her baby?

Once your baby is born, the choice is to be a mother raising your child or a mother without your child. But you will still have the emotional connection to your child and the separation from your child can be traumatic even if you have convinced yourself that it is "what you want." Often we do things because we feel we must "for others' sake," not for our own, and women are especially vulnerable to doing things for others and putting their own needs dead last!

Adoption is a business, and agencies (even "non-profit" ones) exist to make money. A health white newborn can "sell" for $25,000 or more to a couple desperate enough to pay that type of money. The gov't gives them a tax-break of $15,000 anyway.

Yes, with an open adoption you can pick adoptive parents, but the pain to the mother is just as significant as with a closed adoption. The difference with open adoptions is that once you've met the people wanting to adopt your child, you risk getting emotionally trapped into adoption as you'll be scared to hurt them by keeping your baby. High gestational oxytocin hormone levels can make you begin "loving" and "trusting" them. And, no, once the adoption has taken place you have NO right to see your child or receive information. Open adoptions are not legally binding or enforceable.

You have a big decision in front of you: abortion or motherhood. Good luck. If you choose motherhood, be certain you don't back yourself into a corner where you'll be forced to surrender your baby at birth and not be able to recover from birth first before deciding.

Heather B

These are not your only choices

YOu can't give a fetus up for adoption anyway, so your choice is between abortion and carrying a child to term.

Once the baby is born you can decide whether you want to parent or give the child up for adoption or other guardianship agreement.

You can choose the parents but it's best to wait until nearer the time, otherwise you may be backed into a corner and feel unable to change your mind if you wish to. Agencies are quite agressive (usually in a friendly subtly coercive way) at ensuring the baby is relinquished - they make alot of money for each baby, and don't be fooled by 'not for profit' it means jack, they make money off babies and have huge investments (I've seen the tax returns and property they own, wowzers)

Take care and don't let the vultures get ya (they're the ones who'll be filling your email box right now claiming to want to 'help you out' by helping themselves to your offspring) and those 'friendly' folks giving you names of THEIR adoption agency and asking you to PM them! eep

And people are recommending open adoption, which works with honest people. What they are omitting to tell you is that it's not enforceable and once the papers are signed it's usually goodbye baby, never to be seen again. Please don't be taken in by promises of pictures etc, they are there to secure relinquishment.

Tread carefully and the only interests you need to worry about are yours and your baby's. Not someone else's desperation for a child.

PhilM

Adoption can do lasting emotional damage to the child. Whatever you decide, educate yourself on the dangers of adoption before you give up your child.

Yarr

If you're sure you don't want to keep the kid I would choose abortion. Pregnancy is a horrific experience and only really worth it if you want and are going to keep the child. Abortion is no picnic either, but it doesn't last nine months and stretch your belly/pooter out.

Edit: Don't feel obligated to pop out kids for people who are infertile. Its not your fault you are fertile and they are not.

Lisa

Yes, you can pick out parents, but as far as staying in contact.....adoption agreements are not enforceable by law. The adoptive family may make promises, but if they change their mind about visitation or openness, there is nothing that you can do. Frequently, openness is the proverbial carrot designed to lure you into adoption. Then you are left with empty arms and empty promises.

Your future employers should not be able to find out that you gave up a child for adoption. Even if they did, it should not be used against you.

You need to do some research of the affect of adoption on both you and your child. You need to talk to unbiased people about it that have experienced this. Both adoption and abortion have repercussions.

You have a serious decision to make, and my heart goes out to you. I hope you consider keeping your child.

unyqrumin8r

You do not have a win-win choice to make. Any choice you make will last your lifetime. You have no way to know ahead of time how your decision will affect you. And, once you've had an abortion, you can't take it back. It's done and you will have to live with it for the rest of your life. That means that if you believe that a fetus is a baby, then you may also believe that you've committed murder. Can you live with that? Even if you believe that a fetus isn't a baby until it moves (4th month), and you have a first trimester abortion, your hormones have already kicked in. Women are hard-wired for motherhood. The sense of loss can be tremendous. Ask any woman who has had a miscarriage.

If you give up your baby, you will have another set of emotions to deal with. What if you feel that you've "thrown away" your baby. Who will be there for you? Who will support you emotionally? Who will grieve with you? And, what about all the lies to cover up the pregnancy? Are you prepared for that? It's pretty hard to hide a full term pregnancy from your friends, co-workers and relatives. Do you tell them that the baby was still-born? How do you deal with them looking through the paper for an obituary? Sounds weird, but it's happened.

If you keep your baby, you'll have an entirely different set of problems to deal with depending on your age, emotional stability and all that. You don't say what your situation is -- student, drug addict, underage, depressed, alcoholic, father doesn't want you with a baby, abusive relationship. However, society is better able to give support to a woman who keeps her baby. And, I guarantee that you'll grow up really fast once you become responsible for someone else.

I know you're overwhelmed and hoping that someone will tell you what to do. This decision is not one that a woman makes by taking a poll and going with the highest score. Get into counseling. And, really listen and talk to the counselor. Understand that you've gotten yourself into a bit of a bind (sort of between a rock and hard place), but there is a way that's best for you and your baby. And, only you know what it is. You can't make an informed decision without information. Find someone who isn't biased and won't judge you.

J
Source(s):
Me. Been there, done that & got the t-shirt to prove it.

hereforyou

im an adopted child. my birthmother was 15.

a long time ago there was a child. born to a woman, unmarried. who's society shunned this type of thing. the mother stuck with it and gave birth to the baby.....Jesus Christ.

MY name isn't Jeff. I am a women who is so glad I got an abortion. No problems. No head trips. The world doesn't need another human.

*~Tabby~*

This is a question you need to sit down and think about. neither of the answers are going to help you or make you feel any better.

Look at it from both sides....Abortion well its there, if you don't think you can have the baby, go through all of the pregnancy then go have an abortion...but its not the end. you'll live with it for ever! weather you regret or think its the best choice you could have made. you'll have to live with knowing 'you' yourself chose to abort.

On the other hand...adoption sounds very hard too....having the whole pregnancy 9 months with having a baby in side you and growing...you'll be able to feel the baby kicking, and you wont be able to help yourself get attached to it...you just will. But yes i do believe you can choose the parents for the baby to live with. However the child can then later come and find you if you wish.

I personally think you need to sit down with somebody and get these questions answered by a proffesional, and or someone close to you.

I hope this helps. and good luck with what ever you choose

cmc

The fact that you gave birth to a child is private, and I can't imagine it would be made available to any future employers, and not sure why they would care. you can choose the adoptive parents for your child. You should realize that open adoptions are generally not enforceable, so if that is what you want to try make sure that is really what the a-parents want too. There are good open adoptions, but sometimes the a-parents try to stop visits etc.

Deciding to abort or adopt are really different decisions. Do you want to give birth, and do you want to parent. I think adoption is fine if that is what you feel is best for your situations. As an adoptive mother, I would definitely support someone's decision to place a child for adoption if they thought that was best too.

Also be aware that your mind might change during the pregnancy, and that is okay too. No final decision should be made before the birth, even if you find potential parents that you like. Everyone should respect your right to decide after the birth, and to change your mind (even if you receive some money from a family, you do not owe them your child).

Philippa

Just because you are overwhelmed please don't think you only have two options and at the moment you're not a birth mother as you haven't surrendered.

Option 1: If you choose abortion then it's a good idea to talk about this first to prepare yourself for how you may feel afterwards.

Option 2: If you chouse adoption please don't do so because you feel overwhelmed as your feelings will change as the pregnancy progresses. You may feel more strongly towards or you may decide you want to parent plus open adoptions (if you choose that) aren't legally binding and you may find it hard to deal with. Also if you decide on this please don't allow a pre birth match as that will only add more stress particularly if you change your mind. Research is very important and you will find it helpful to get to know natural mothers who have had different esperiences from very positive through to very negative.

Option 3: Parentimg - other than feeling overwhelmed is there any reason why the other two options are the only options? You need to think about all three options carefully first before making a final decision as this a life changing one.

I am a natural mother in reunion with my son (closed adoption) and in the process of being fast tracked to adopt. However we are making sure we know the facts first before we do and we are very keen that if we do that the child/children can keep in touch with their natural family.

You are more than welcome to get in touch with me for support

Sophie

I would give more info on just how you are overwhelmed. (with what? money probs? school? etc.?) There may be some people in her who can share some good ideas to help you with your decision.

Sonora

1. It's your decision.
2. You can pick the parents.
3. Nobody has to know you gave a child up for adoption unless you tell them. There is no way future employers would know or care.

D M

I would suggest giving your child up for adoption. There are so many people who would love to have a child and can't. So to answer your questions:

1. All you have to do is go to an adoption agency. Most of them are free. Go to www.myadoptionagencies.com/ and you can pick on that is right for you.

2. With some agencies you can interview and choose the adoptive parents. You can also choose to have an open adoption where you can have contact with your child later.

3. Future employers will not look at adoption records when running a background check. They will look at your educational and criminal records. There is legal documentation saying that you gave a child up for adoption, but this should not affect you.

C Wood

You need to go to counseling with a family psychologist, rather than ask us here at Yahoo.

I know you are feeling overwhelmed. Yahoo can't fix that. A family counselor can, by helping you first hand to make the decision only you can make, and you do have a time limit to decide on possible abortion.

I don't recommend abortion mainly because it causes tremendous emotional upheaval if you don't go through counseling. If you feel overwhelmed now, you would feel much more overwhelmed if you have an abortion without going through counseling.

Adoption is also an emotional upheaval, and a family psychologist can tell you what steps you need to do a private adoption, where you'd be able to select the parents.
cw

HerHusband

you'd rather murder your own flesh and blood than give it a life? sure... you can choose, but your baby can't. do you think your baby would choose life or death. wow. that's a toughie. don't murder your child. i am adopted and am eternally greatful to my adoptive parents and biological parents.

*7 Inch Heels*

You should do whatever you feel like you need to do. I personally dont believe in abortion. Wouldnt you rather give your baby to a family that wants a one and would love it rather then kill it? Adoption can be a great thing! Yes most of the time you do have a say in whom the baby goes to. you can help the agency pick out a family. And no nobody will ever have to know you gave up your baby unless you tell them. Your employers will not be able to tell becuase thats personal medical history they cant see that stuff. good luck.

sundragonjess

If you are deciding between adoption or abortion, please choose adoption. Give your baby a chance to live. There are many couples out there that cannot have their own children and would love to adopt one. Good luck in whatever you choose.

timsdarlyn

please don't do abortion, you'll have to live with the regret of taking your baby's life everyday. i had to have one but my baby was already deceased inside of me. I still feel like i killed my child but i didn't it was already turning into a miscarriage. i just don't want you to have to feel what i felt even tho i didn't have a choice. you do have a choice. you can visit www.lifetimeadoption.com if you want to chose your baby's parents. adoption gives your baby a chance and other's a chance that can't have children of their own. people like me and my husband. God has blessed you. and who knows you may end up deciding to keep the baby after its born. once you hold that child everything will change. you will truely know what love at first sight feels like. i envy you. so please make the right decision.

Danielle C

Only you can make that decision for yourself. I had an abortion when I was a teenager and I still regret it because that was a life God gave to me to bring into this world. If you're not ready for that responsibility, adoption would be a very good option. You would be doing a wonderful and courageous thing if were to give your baby up for adoption to a person or couple that are ready to start a family or expand their family. My husband and I are about to adopt our foster son, who is almost 3 years old and it's an amazing feeling to be a mother. We've wanted to have children for a long time and couldn't get pregnant or afford adoption.You have the option of a closed (no contact) or open (some contact) adoption. Talk to a counselor at a family planning center or minister if you go to church. Your family may even be able to give you support and advice. As for future employers, it's really none of their business unless you tell them. Remember to do what's best for you and your baby.

Hair she is

I was adopted, What do I have to say to my birth parents? THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!

Sherri

You can go thruogh adoption books and pick your own couple. No body will know about anything. You can have open or closed adoption. If you can't give the baby up after all those months of pregnency, then have a abortion you should have it soon because if you are too far along they won't do it after like 11 weeks. DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU WHAT TO DO OR THAT U.R. AD OR STUPID STUFF PEOPLE SAY. IT IS NOT THEIR LIFE AND THEY DON'T KNOW YOUR SITUATION. iF YOU'RE NOT READY, THEN YOU'RE JUST NOT READY. Who cares about what anyone else says as long as you do what you know you have to do for yourself. You wouldn't want a baby right know if you're not ready.

L W

There are many website that you can look at or people you can talk to about the decision you are facing.

Open adoption allows you to pick the family that will raise your child as well as decided on an adoption plan. The adoption plan defines the level of contact you would want with your child. Some plans include pictures, emails, phone calls, and sometimes visits. It is really up to you and the people who you choose to parent your child.

Adoption is a very private issue. No one should be able to find out that you have placed a child unless you decide to share that.

If you would like to talk to someone about your decision or have someone who can explain your options, please consider talking to Cathy at Adoption Consultants Inc. She has a toll free number and is very easy to talk to. Her number is 1 800 605 4LUV or you can call IAC which is an adoption agency who works with women who are considering their options. www.adoptionhelp.org

If you would like to chat you can PM me.

The decision is yours to make. I wish you the best of luck.

L

AdoreHim

I am adopted and am very thankful to my birth mother for placing me for adoption. Also my husband and I adopted 2 children, and we were given the privilege of meeting their birth moms. There birth moms actually selected us to be parents to their babies. A future employer should not find out I wouldn't think- however why would that bother you? Abortion is not only taking the life of your baby- yes FETUS means baby- it also can cause you guilt and shame down the road that you may not see right now. I am not saying it is easy to place for adoption either. I saw how hard it was for our 2 children's birth mothers. However, as they told us personally, they could never take the life of their child- they could never live with themselves if they did that. I can totally understand how overwhelmed you must be feeling. I counseled girls/women in your situation for over 10 years. If you want to talk and can email feel free.

EDIT- it saddens me to no end that adoption gets a worse rap then abortion. Like I said before , adoption is not easy for the birth mom either, but abortion takes a life. I am SO sorry for those who have been adopted that are not happy with their life. However, they have to remember that abortion would not have given them life at all- when adoption and abortion are the only 2 choices, adoption is the better choice.

Kristiane-Cubical ninja

You have options. First, I would look up a reputable adoption agency inn my area if I was you. You can call social services for some phone numbers if you can't find one on your own.
You can do an open adoption where you choose the parents and from time to time they let you know how the child is doing, perhaps send pictures to you.
You can choose the adoptive parents but not get updates later if that is your choice.
You can let the state or adoption agency choose for you and know nothing of the adoptive parents or child.

Basically you need to decide how much you want to know later on and how comfortable you are with contact or none.

No, no one will know you gave a child up unless you tell them, legally no one can release that information.
Good luck to you.

Need2knowbasis

I would not recommend anyone who has not had a child and wants one to have an abortion.

You can decide who the adoptive parents will be it's called private adoption.

In this world, any1 can find out anything they want to about any1, however your future employees are probably not interested in the pesonal choices you made regarding rearing a family or not.

Good luck in your decision..........if you are African-American and having a girl, I'd sure be interested in adopting her..............I have 3 boys!

durdenslabs

Abortion will KILL your child. Adoption gives your child a loving/caring forever home.

Adoption may cause emotional pain, anger issues, or depression but that's usually in older children not babies.

Adoption is the best, most moral, decision.

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