Adoption and The Birth Mother?

Christi G

There are varying situations when it comes to adoption, and a lot would depend on the age of the child you are hoping to adopt and which agency you utilize. For instance, we are adopting two children through our state foster care program. When the kids arrived, they were 2 months and 22 months old, and we will not be required to have any contact whatsoever with the birth parents (rights are terminated) and although we were given the names and addresses of other birth relatives, we do not plan to contact them either. We will keep the information on hand for someday, if the kids ask for it.

I am adopted and I was raised always knowing that I was. I highly recommend that you make adoption part of your every day language. You do not want to hide it because that would send mixed messages to your child, as if you were embarrassed that they were adopted, etc. Embrace it! We always celebrated Adoption Day (and now 39 years later, my folks still call on that day) and we plan to do that with our children as well. Besides, when you adopt, you CHOOSE the child which really is a special feeling for the kid. :)

Good luck on your journey...it is SO worth it!

sparki777

Okay, first off, you can't just wait for a kid to ask if they are adopted. They have to grow up knowing they are adopted and knowing that that's okay. Some kids would never ask -- it just wouldn't occur to them until they were going through puberty or something, and if you wait until then, my gosh, you're going to have trouble.

Second of all, there are "closed" adoptions in which both parties agree to not have contact, "open" adoption in which both parties agree to have on-going contact and "semi-open" adoptions in which the parties never meet, but information about the child is provided via mail to the birth mother and information about the birth mother's biological history is provided back when requested.

You need to consider the fact that the CHILD is a human being, not a pet, and will have feelings, thoughts, and emotions about their biological relatives as well, and a GOOD parent will take those into consideration instead of arbitrarily making decisions for him or her regardless of what they need.

sk8ermom

Nowdays, closed adoption only happens in 2% of traditional domestic infant adoption. That is because all members of the triad are comming to the realization that open adoption is the best. You may be the one raising the child but she has other family out there. If you don't want any contact I would suggest international adoption but don't expect your child to not feel a loss and not wish to know their mother even though she may be across the world. My daughters bio parents are in India and I tlak to them every week. I do this for my daughter! Not for me and not for them (though I like them a lot). I want whats best for her because I love her. I hope you will realize that adoption is about the child, not about you. (I mean that in the nicest way possible)

wynn

Don't be afraid.
Granted, I adopted internationally, but I am in touch with my children's (remaining) family. With my two youngest, I met the family. I had a long list of questions about what they wanted us to do - how we should raise their children for them. They didn't care. They told us to just love the kids. What they wanted were pictures and letters so they would know the children were healthy and happy. And my children? They make cards and gifts for me all the time, but it makes them very happy that we can send things to their other family as well.

You say you're strong enough to raise a child on your own. Then I bet you're also strong enough to think of what your child will want and put that ahead of your fears. If you were adopted, wouldn't you be curious to know what the mom you were born to looked like? Wouldn't you wonder about the sound of her voice? Being his/her every day parent, you will be the one raising her. And having everything out in the open, I would think, will only make you closer to your child. He/she won't be keeping things from you in order not to hurt your feelings.

HappyMomAnna

It is generally considered important for children to know as much as possible about their adoption--original name--identity and when possible to have pictures, letters and ideally to have some contact while gowing up.

The children who are adopted and do not get this kind of openness often (not in every case but, often enough) develope significant emotional issues which sometimes lead to resentment toward both the biological mother and toward the adoptive parent...

One of the only currently accepted methods of adopting a child who will Not have a level of openess are those children adopted from Foster Care who for their own safety have an order of protection.

But, even then other biological family members such as grandparents, aunts and siblings may want some level of contact and it isn't uncommon even with children from Foster Care to need this in order to avoid some of these deeper emotional issues... And, parents adopting these children are encouraged to keep a life book, with pictures and information about their biological family...

The mother may in fact be making a choice for the benefit of the child and his or her future--but, this choice should not deny a child information about who they are and where they come from.

When we adopt children it is much more difficult to be "selected" as the best choice for a child when the adoptive parents only view the issues from Their own points of view. The fact is that Adoption should be Only about the child.

Those of us who find that we cannot imagine sharing the truth and title as mother with a child's biological mother should consider Why we would want to parent in the first place. Is this desire about What we Want or about raising a healthsy, emotionally stable adult who wishes to share an honest open relationship with us when we become grandparents?

mommy2squee

Single parents have no business adopting. Children deserve two parents. Period.

You are one of the most selfish people on the planet.

lookingfor1227

There are two kind of adoption one is open and one is closed. With a open one the mother still has some contact sometimes seeing the child and still being in the childs life or contact with the parent. With closed they don't have any contact. Some people have minume contact just send photos and things like that but don't really see the kids and things like that. This is all for you to work out with the birth mother and the whoever is helping you with the adoption. Good luck

Reagan :D

yes it is a closed adoption, as apposed to an open adoption. i know of a single lady who adopted from over seas, so i know that they don't look down upon a single lady wanting a child. Good Luck

opedial

Adopt a child from foster care, they are more often only open in exchanging pictures and letters, but no contact.

jakesangel07

There are 3 different types of adoption, open, closed and semi-open. What you are looking for is a closed adopiton. Some birthmothers don't want contact with their child at all, and that is when they choose closed adoption. However, when your child turns 18, his/her birth parents can look for them. And your child may want to know his/her past, such as his/her heritage, and you will want to know the medical history of the biological parents!

Marie C

You are certainly free to state that you want a closed adoption. However, the chances of a birth mother choosing a single parent are very small. Most birth mothers are giving up their children because they are not married themselves, and they want their child to have two parents.

I am a single parent by adoption myself, and was unable to adopt an infant domestically for this reason. Your best chances at adopting as a single parent are to (A) adopt internationally from a country that allows singles, or (B) adopt in the United States through the foster care system.

MomMom

Please don't steal a child from its real mother to make you "happy." A child is not to be traded like a commodity!

Crucio

There are some who might just want a few pictures and updates each year that is called semi open, everything would go through a middle man (aka the agency you adopt from). So the birth family would not know your physical address where you lived, and you wouldnâ€™t know theirs. In some open adoptions how frequent the bfamily and Afamily get together vary sometimes someone might only want 1 or 2 visits a year. Others are very open where the bfamily and Afamily become family spend family holidays, vacations together etc.

I donâ€™t think your being selfish not every adoptive parent(s) wants to be a part of an open adoption. Not every birthparnt(s) want to have an open adoption. By this you just again would have to find an expecting parents who do not want an open adoption.

Now you could choose to adopt a baby that has already been surrendered for whatever reason then generally you donâ€™t even deal with birthparents. You might also consider adopting from foster care. It is possible to adopt babies very young toddlers from FCS

You might also want to talk to some people who are in open adoptions hear about the good and the bad. I have both heard positive stories about open adoption and I have heard not so great stories about it. I'm sure your feelings and worries are ones that most adoptive parents had when they were considering an OA.

Remember that in any open adoption boundaries and rules must be set up. Also know that even in OA youâ€™re your child's parent you get to decided how your child is raised and disciplined etc. The BP have no say in this unless the AP allow it.

Whatever ever you do I think it wise to at least try and get as much information about your childâ€™s birth family that you can get, any medical information/heritage a few pictures, etc. Then you will have that stuff on hand when / if you child asks questions. The medical information will also be beneficial probably one of the most.

pupcake

I was adopted when I was 3 days old. It was a closed adoption, meaning the birth mother had no input in to my life. That is something I will always be grateful for. I have never tried to find my biological parents, because my Mom and Dad loved me so well, I never felt that I was missing anything. My opinion is that even tho the biological parents may have done the right thing by giving their baby up for adoption, that should close all other interactions. Otherwise it would be as if you were handling the hard jobs of child rearing and they stepped in like a weekend parent. Not cool. :)

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