Adoption and how do you not treat the child differenty?

almost human

My parents made a big deal about me being adopted.
It caused all my siblings to hate me.

After I arrived, I was like a toy doll, a novelty.

After the novelty wore off, I was like the dog you hate taking for a walk, but that you expect to be there for you no matter what.

You did the RIGHT THING. I think you're awesome. I wish my parents had had the presence of mind to analyze themselves in the mirror.

Thanks for putting this question out there. It's brave of you and a good example of someone actually acting in the best interests of the children.

ETA
Adoption started out great for my parents, but I ended up being abused. None of my bio siblings got abused. The majority of adopted and abused people I know were also the lucky ones while their bio siblings were not.

There IS a difference between biological children and adopted children. There are also different pressures associated with each. It's NOT natural, and some people it just doesn't work for them, but then they are stuck and it's too late. That's why I think it's so great you could recognize that ahead of time, sparing yourself and the child inner turmoil.

Good job being real with yourself! I really mean that.

Bring on the thumbs down. I've decided people who thumbs down are just closed-minded insecure people who can't get past themselves any way. And it's sad that's the kind of micro control that brings them satisfaction. Other realities do exist besides your tiny world.

Freckle Face

Dear Just me,

IDK. My first child was adopted and i worried if i could love a child born of my body as much. After i gave birth, its like my heart doubled and there was enough room to love both children equally. I just can't imagine motherhood without both of them.

Now i will say adopting a toddler was different for me. It took work. I didn't feel an immediate connection but i am a rare person that didn't feel an immediate connection to children born of my body either. IDK why? I held her and babied her like a newborn. I made the effort and took the time to get to know her and cherish her for who she is a person. I was in awe of her and i felt such pride to be able to have the opportunity to parent her.

I do love all my children the same. I love them with the same amount of love but i parent them differently. Parenting my children born from my body is natural and comes easily. Parenting my children thru adoption is a little more challenging. I don't understand the motives behind their actions at times. I have to ask them to enlighten me. I am so impressed by them and i grow so much from their different way of viewing the world. You need more patience and compassion and understanding. Its called unconditional love. Not all people are capable of this and adoption is not for everyone. It is a different kind of love but equally as powerful.

Thanks for the question.

IDK!!

Do i love them the same amount? YES
Do I treat them different?YES

I treat the for who they are adn for their needs.

My daughter is independent and secure. She doesn't' suffer from separation anxiety. She does need assured that her brother is in our family forever.

My son suffered from before birth and was untouched for a week after birth. he needs held, hugged tightly and someone to cuddle with at night. I need to do some pretty painful things to him for health sake and I need to give him extra lovin' to balance that. He has another family, and that requires special attention.

They are different and they are treated different, but not just because of adoption or biology, but because they have different needs.

Sometimes my husband and I each take a kid and do something separate so they both get special time with us.

Jennifer L

I have one child from my body and two children from adoption. I love all of my children and treat them the same. But parenting adopted children is different than parenting biological children. Adoptees will have to confront issues that biological children never will.

I'm not saying that one is better than the other, but there are things to be aware of, as an adoptive parent.

sweetjane

There is nothing 'wrong' with your question.....just a personal opinion. We had several friends who shared the same opinion with us when we told them we were adopting. They believed we could never possibly love the child like a 'real' child, that we could 'say we loved him' but that it simply wasn't the same as a biological child. That is the opinion of some people. They shouldn't adopt, nor would most people who felt that way try to adopt.
Once we actually brought our child home and people watched us interact with him, did they come around. We never 'tried' for a baby or fertility treatments. We simply felt that there were already enough children in the world, and that we would make decent parents for someone who didn't have parents or who didn't have a family who could take care of them. After 4-5 months, we actually had many people comment on how they were completely wrong and misjudged adoption. They STILL would NEVER adopt themselves...b/c THEY don't think they could love a child equally if it weren't theirs biologically, but their opinions about us and OUR ability to do so has changed dramatically.

BOTZ

I think you made the right choice, and I think you are actually correct -- as it pertains to MOST people. My adoptive parents couldn't love adopted and bio children the same. I am one of their adopted children. They have one bio daughter and not only was it awful and painful to be separated from my natural family and hurtful and horrible to be abused and mistreated and hated by my adoptive family -- it was unbearable to see how much they loved their OWN child and not the rest of us.

The thing with my a-parents is that they didn't care. It meant nothing to them that they would love their bio child and not the rest of us -- or nothing near the same -- or even similar -- or even the same amount. They just wanted a certain *number* of children -- and adoption was the only way they could do that. (Even so, they didn't get as many as they wanted -- thank God!)

I commend you for your decision and for you ability to 'get real' and be honest with yourself. For the sake of you and the child(ren) you are NOT adopting. Here's the thing. They might 1) end up staying with their own, natural family or 2) adopted by someone else who is the rare adoptive parent that CAN really do it and make it work. Someone like "Freckle Face" for instance.

How I wish I could have been adopted by someone like her -- that is if I absolutely HAD to be adopted. My first choice would be to have stayed with my own family.

Which brings me to a question for you. You said:

"...but then again it would be better then where they were to begin with."

How do you know that? How could you possibly know that?

I know that is the prevailing assumption in society regarding children who are adopted but in many cases, including MY case, it is not true. I was adopted by horrific people. Even adoptees who joined 'normal' families MIGHT have come from a situation where they were in NO danger, NOT neglected, NOT unwanted/unloved, etc. My mother loved and wanted me very much. She was pressured/forced to give me up for adoption. It broke her heart -- it broke HER -- Forever.

I know this because she had told me (as well as others) with her own mouth, her own eyes, her own heart. We have been reunited for 4+ years now. I would give EVERYTHING to "go back" and NOT be adopted -- and stay with my Mom.

You seem to be good at thinking things through (based on your question). I hope you'll think about that -- if only to have greater/deeper understanding. I understand that you have already decided not to adopt. Good for you.

Take care!

cathrl69

People treat all children differently. They feel differently towards boys and girls. Twins and singletons. Kids who had an easy birth and kids who didn't. Kids who were easy babies and kids who were a struggle. Kids who were born healthy and kids who had to go to NICU. Kids who they could breastfeed and kids who they couldn't. Kids who were born naturally and kids who were born by C-section. Kids who were planned and kids who were accidents. Kids who have different dads.

Yes, an adopted kid will be different from a natural kid. But it's just another sort of difference, because natural kids are different from one another too.

Krystal

I was adopted and treated like my mothers little angel, i didnt find out that i was adopted until i was 9. but things always seemed a little off and i noticed it at a young age because my mother was always a little older than everyone elses and stuff like that. but i was an only child and my grandparents only granddaughter so i was spoiled rotten as a child and no one thought of me as an outsider at all. I think if my mother would have had children then adopted me things wouldnt have been any different, my mom wanted a child and saved a pregnant teen from ruining her life and mine by keeping me. I understand your curiosity in knowing whether or not the adopted child would be treated differently and i think that the child shouldnt be, but depending on the age and how many children you already have you may end up treating the children differently but i think that comes with the territory. I was an infant so i think my mother just skipped the process of birthing and just had that little bundle of joy from that point on. (and i do get that you're not going to adopt). I hope this helps you. :)

Just a Mom

If you think that you might treat them differently, don't ever adopt.

mamabearluv79

When you adopt that child IS yours. You don't have to push a baby out of you for you to be their mother. So I don't think you should adopt until you can be sure you would love the baby just like your own child.

katesophia333

Do NOT adopt a child. If you won't even consider the child yours, adoption is certainly not for you.

Nora

give to each child what the child needs .no 2 are the same not even twins.

Roberta P

I have 2 bio and 2 adopted children. I love them all. Some are harder to love than others at times. Right now it's the bio children that are harder to love. But I still love them.

Parenting bio vs adopted children is different. Not because of adoption issues but due to personality, maturity, abilities, human issues. Everyone has quirks that make some days and some people harder than others to cope with.

Is it possible to love an adopted child as if they came from your body. OH YEAH. If you can love a niece, nephew, friends child you will love your adopted child a hundred times more because they are your child. Unless we are discussing their past we "forget" that are adopted, they are our children. Even the fact they are a different race is not a reminder that they were not born to us.

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