Adoption help, how can I convince my husband to give the gift of life and love to another couple?

I have always wanted to be a surrogate or adoptive mother or even to donate eggs. I however never put into the equation my then future, now present husband. I am not irresponsible and I am not into just getting pregnant and giving away my children; that is not what this is all about to me. Having a baby for someone else is about giving them the chance to be parents that otherwise they might not have the chance to do. We already have two healthy boys and we have had a stillborn son on 2-7-2007. I also don't just want to give my baby to complete strangers; I have a friend who also had a stillborn almost a year ago and she cannot have anymore children. She also has suffered many miscarriages before and an ectopic pregnancy and had a d&e done. She and her husband sincerely want to be parents. I know that they would make good parents and they have the means to do so. She also doesn't work so I know the baby wouldn't be neglected cause she would devote her life and her time to him/her. My husband has come to terms with our son's death but he is afraid that if I become pregnant and give up the baby he will become too attached and if it is a girl, which we have longed for, it will make it that much harder for him. No, I am not already pregnant because we are not ready for one of our own again, yet. Until we decide to have one of our own or I can convine him to do this, we won't get pregnant. Of course, with me, the woman is my friend and we would stay in touch and she would keep me updated on the baby and all, but with my husband he says he wouldn't be able to have anything to do with me for the entire pregnancy including doctor's appointments and the birth. Any advice is appreciated but please don't be rude. Thank you.
Additional Details
My friend that I want to have a baby for also had endometriosis since she was 13 and she has PCOS and she managed to conceive 7 times, but none of them went to term and with the stillborn one they found out she couldn't have anymore children, don't want to say why but it isn't because of the endometriosis or the PCOS.

BrittniMarie

this is a very hard situation... I can understand where you are coming from (I have endometreosis and was told since I was 15 I would not be able to have children so I was hoping someone would do this for me) but I can also understand where your husband is coming from... to me it is like he has the opinion in the end it isn't going to be his child so he shouldn't have to go to doctors appointments or anything... I really think this is something you and your husband have to agree on I certainly wouldn't go into this disagreeing because it could cause many problems in your marriage...

If your husband doesn't end up supporting your idea in the long run maybe you could help your friend find an adoptive baby

I really hope all works out for you, you seem to be very kind and loving and just want to be able to share that with others :-)

EDIT::: I am very surprised to see some of these answers!! you guys act like the baby is going to have horrible experiences because of this... I think this is very different from other adoptions where a mom got pregnant and couldn't take care of the baby or didn't want the baby.... This is VERY different from that... the baby is VERY much wanted and could even be told that when its older... "We wanted you so much but couldn't and "Sally" was nice enough to have you for us" I just don't see how it would be so bad

Linny G

Keep your husband, ditch the idea. Babies carried by surrogate suffer the consequenses from adoption just like every other adoptee.

WE ARE NOT GIFTS!!! We are HUMAN BEINGS who suffer from losing our mothers, our heritage, our families.

Want to be a hero? Become a foster parent.

myst1998

Hi...

Its nice that you are thinking about another couple and what they would like. However have you thought about what the child might go through? That they were never wanted by their first parents, just born to give away... I think that would mess with someone's head a little. You could make it sound all nice and romantic but sometimes the best intentions can cause more harm than good.

If your husband isn't wanting to do this then you need to respect his wishes as well. The other thing is that it could hurt the friendship eventually and that would be really, really sad. I think it is very kind what you are willing to do but feel that it may not be such a good idea.

Sorry to hear of both of your losses, that is really tragic and more tragic it has left your friend unable to have more children.

Kindest regards...

Flying Monkey #073177

It really takes a special kind of person to conceive a child for the sole purpose of giving it away.

Felicita1

"That is their opinion and even their experience, but in the child's case I am willing to concieve he/she wouldn't suffer, because he/she would still be able to know about us and would be loved and taken care of. Isn't that what is most important?"

No. No-one wants to be a tool whose only purpose is to solve someone else's problem. In this case, a child who was conceived and given away to solve your friend's "fertility problem." Too many adoptees are put into this position, because they were adopted to "solve someone else's problem."

Besides, if you have two other children you kept, your child's first experience in life is not only to be rejected (by you) but to wonder why her/his brothers were good enough to keep and he/she wasn't. Believe me, these are very common thoughts and feelings of children who were "given away."

Knowing about you, being loved, and being taken care of is not all there is to life. No, for many, it is not sufficient. While you are at it, grab a copy of "The Primal Wound" -- a book that is not universally applicable but which will tell you what risks you are subjecting your baby to. Yes, your child may well suffer -- not guaranteed but why take the risk? "Open Adoption" does not heal all wounds.

Gaia Raain II

I'm not sure where you're getting that people are being rude to you. I've read all the answers, and with the exception of two people, everyone who has shared their own experience, and all have been respectful. Being given away is painful. Being unwanted by the person who created and birthed you is painful. Being separated upon birth from the woman whose womb you grew inside of is traumatic. This has been documented. Granted, some people do not continue to experience this trauma throughout life, and for some it lies dormant for many years but resurfaces...but why would you want to take the chance that you could create a human being only to suffer their whole life? Please read the link provided above by Felicita to see what it truly feels like to be the child of a surrogate. Your kind gesture may turn out well for all adults involved, but the child's feelings should be of utmost importance here. I'd suggest not giving away children for the purpose of making other adults happy.

Katherine W

I understand that you care for your friend. However, your husband will think that you care for other people more than for him. Really, this is a bad idea. Don't try to convince him of it. Wait until you and he are ready to try for a girl. Giving a child to your friend may feel great to you, but it will harm your relationship with your husband forever and you will not be able to fix it.

Anha S

You shouldn't try to convince your husband. If he's not on board on this idea all by himself, then you are setting yourself, your family, and most of all your kids up for pain. I see it as no different than someone trying to convince their partner to have a 3 way, or something else that they really aren't comfortable with. And if he wouldnt want anything to do with you while you were pregnant, and has many worries about wanting to keep the baby...why would you want to put your husband through that to please your friend. What about how your kids would feel about you giving a baby away straight after birth, dont you think that has the potential of them wondering if they are next?

Open adoptions can be slammed shut in an instant, there is no guarantee this child would know you/know about you at all. The fact that this person is your friend now, that could change once they have the little bundle. Also, as an adoptee who has an elder sister who was kept, that brings a special kind of pain into play, along with a deep, innate sense of utter worthlessness. Not to mention my sister grew up under this percieved threat that she would be given away if she even stepped out of line a little. Wasn't true, but thats how she felt. For the longest time she thought I was given away because I cried so much. She's still not able to cry in front of anyone.

I just dont understand why you'd even risk this, especially if your husband isn't on board. Is risking your marriage and your kids' stability worth it to birth a child for another couple?

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