Adoption poll: Are the terms "open" and "semi-open" lures?

Stinky Pete

Yep sure is. I place the majority of blame on the agencies that encourage this

MamaKate

Jaye,

Personally I think they are dreadful misnomers. And yes, they are used as "bait" and "lures" by many unscrupulous people for their own selfish gains.

Those who truly honor the sense of what an open adoption should really be (an in my opinion ALL adoptions should be) and have evolved their relationships to a truly open level of trust, communication and emotion for all involved are, IMHO, the brightest gems in the minefields of adoption and I am awed by their strength, courage, love and humanity. They have my utmost respect and gratitude. These are the people we should hold up as examples of what adoption is really all about and should do our best to encourage others to emulate their example.

PhilM

yes (about agencies... I know that some APs mean it, and I applaud them... those APs that don't mean are pretty low)

ladybmw1218

Open adoption is supposed to be a commitment based on what is best for the child...that it is used to defraud people is horrible and casts suspicion on all paps.

Our DS's first parents sort of tricked us (a really smart trick) to test us (keep in mind we did not have an agency. It was just us and them). She said "We would want pictures and letters twice a year".

Now, had we agreed, and just said "yes" they would not have moved forward with us. We met in a public place and they had not divulged their last names or actual addresses yet, so could have simply stopped communicating.

We didn't however, both my husband and I immediately responded "We would prefer an extended family type situation if you would be willing to work on that kind of relationship". We had researched and discussed it, and had they not been willing to do this level of openness, we would have not wanted to adopt their child.

For us it was all the way open or nothing, because we truly feel it's what is best for everyone, but especially the child involved.

Anyway, anyone considering relinquishing can do a similar test. Just agreeing to a minimum of contact does not indicate a couple is committed to a true open adoption. If they have thought about it, and are wise and forward thinking- rather than mired in insecurities and convention- they will actually WANT more. There are some of us out there!

Cam

It's not a lure when APs have a genuine intention of honoring the open adoption agreement. Open adoption is in the best interest of the child and backing out is something I never considered. I also personally know a handful of other APs that have done the same.

ETA:I agree with Phil----Closing an open adoption has got to be one of the cruelest things an AP can do to the nmom and the biggest mistake they could ever make for the child.

furfur

Quite possibly, but let me show you another perspective....I am an AP who welcomed the idea of an open adoption because then questions would be eliminated for the child.

However my daughter's nmom only wants letters and pics sent to her a few times each year. We get no contact in return, yet we are told we have an open adoption. From where my daughter is going to be sitting in about ten years, that isn't going to seem too open to her.

Torrejon

Actually, I think they are lures that are generally yanked away once the adoption becomes final...or at least that is what I hear too frequently to ignore.

LaraSue

I can only answer based on our families personal experience and in our case, it is no.
The family that adopted our grandchild has very much stuck to their word in keeping the adoption open, with the lines of communication very open.
I wish all experiences could be that way.

Margot Tenenbaum

Yes, absolutely. You've expressed the nature of these "promises" very well. They are just empty promises, not legally enforceable, and are often reneged upon before the ink dries on the relinquishment papers.
They only serve to lure naive expecting mothers into their web of deceit.

cmc

Yes, as an AP I can tell you all we do it lie!

Okay, no. In my case the natural mom wanted to meet us, but no ongoing contact. I know all her info, she knows ours, so in theory we can get in touch at anytime.

Every situation is different, but I think it is a small minority of APs who do the bait and switch. Also no effort was made by myself or our agency to persuade our daughter's mom - she contacted us only 2 weeks before the birth, and had made up her mind. Also I met another mom considering placing, spent a lot of time with her over a one month period, and was genuinely happy for her when she decided to raise her daughter. That adoption would have been very open since that is what she and her family wanted (I met them all) but I did not "persuade" her.

TotalRecipeHound

I think they are lures. A grandma in my scrapbooking group convinced her daughter to keep her baby when the adoption agency wouldn't provide FIVE successful open adoption a-parents for her to talk to. Her goal was to find out what things they would consider overbearing in maintaining contact. In fact, they didn't provide ONE. The agency is now being investigated by the state at her request and given that they have now shut down operations, I would guess that none of the resulting adoptions remained open.

Gaia Raain

Yes.

ETA: Sorry for the short answer; I was treating this like a poll, and giving a fitting answer. I could elaborate, but a one-word answer was all that was asked. Yes, those terms are lures to get women to relinquish. Better?

grapesgum

Yes, without a doubt. How else could they get babies? Very, very few parents who give up their babies want closed adoption. I know of one very large agency that defines an "open" adoption as progress reports on the child via the agency. Ooookkkaaay.

Just look at adoptive parent profiles. Very few of them say actually say they want an open adoption. Others say "willing to consider an open adoption". Not exactly a passionate committment to open adoption! To me that says, "We prefer a closed adoption but to get a baby we will begrudgingly agree to an open adoption, negotiate for as little contact as possible, and then close the adoption once the final papers are signed."

chelsea s

Lying to a birth mother to persuade her to relinquish is illegal. The fact that it happens in some cases means that we need some reform.

hesterthehester

I think your use of "Most Cases" is Is inaccurate, misleading, and meant to skew the results/push your point of view. ... It does happen (for a variety of reasons.) but I think it is important for both the Birth Mother, and the Adoptive parents to be 100% honest with what they want, and their expectations.

And the birth mother has to make sure the Adoptive parents aren't just nodding their head and agreeing to the moon, she has to take the time to get to know them to make sure they are being honest with her (and them selves).

So, no I do NOT think it is a lure 100% of the time.. But I do think some adoptive parents will agree to anything/everything just to get a baby.

-HtJ

sk8ermom

Adoption agencies YES. I have read on their website that an agency specializes in open adoption (what we wanted) Then we call there and find their idea of open was letters and pictures once a year. Birth moms are being forced this down their throat as "this is all AP's will do" and "this is the true meaning of open adoption". I have seen it more than a few times. I'm sure there are AP's out there (some I have spoken to didn't know the difference, just what they were told by the agency) that know better and try to switch it too.

Santa's Lil' Helper

The door swings both ways. Our dds mom has now "closed" the adoption a third time in seven years. What about APs who legitimately tried to keep ongoing contact. The door has been slammed in dds face what about the lure her mom offered.

YA Sucks

No, the pendulum is swinging toward openness in adoptions these days. Whereas in the past, closed adoptions protected adopting families, today open adoptions is seen as a way to conserve a connection with a biological family. It's not in the best interests of the child in all cases. But in my experience (10 years as an adoption social worker in social services and private agencies), An overwhelming majority of adopting families would answer the question "are you open to contact with the birth family?" which we were required to ask, with "yes, if it's in the best interests of the child). More and more these post-adoption contact agreements are being made a part of the finalization of the adoption by the courts. I wouldn't look at it as a lure, but as a way to preserve some level of contact with the child throughout their life, and especially when they might have quesitons when they're older. Just make sure to memorialize your post adoption contact agreement in the court papers at finalization. Kind of like a custody agreement between divorcees (though not exactly).

ralf

Wow, As an adopted person now considering adoption myself, I think its really sad that there is this mistrust and all of this us against them, "are they conning us out of our babies" thing going on.

Really think of it from the adoptive families' perspective. They are afraid of you. They have probably gone through this HORRIBLE fertility thing and after trying and trying to have a baby, something everyone else on the planet gets to just take for granted or be like "Oh S&*t Im pregnant, now what to do?" And I guarranty you that while they went through this hell EVERY SINGLE couple they know ACCIDENTALLY got pregnant or did on their first try etc or their siblings got pregnant on the same day they found out they lost another one... (Been there, not pretty telling your signifigant other that your little brother's wife accidentally got knocked up on the day you found out.) and they probably almost got divorced halfway through the whole experience. Infertility is one of the most heartbreaking terrible things you will ever experience. I promise you.

Now after all that they have decided that the final solution, the last resort, is to adopt a baby. They have accepted that its the only way they will ever have a family of their own, and here you come along... young, maybe not very responsible... They don't know! You cant blame them for wondering, I mean you are pregnant and cant keep it. Whether or not that's at all accurate is beside the point. The point is THEY DON'T KNOW and you have incredible power over them. This thing they want so badly, you can snap your fingers and take it away. You have the power of god over them. You can give them life to create their family or deny it to them and crush them yet again. And even after you do the deed, after you give up your baby to be raised by thm, to be a part of their family, you can, if the adoption is open, always come waltzing in and usurp their authority.

"You aren't my real mom!" Every adoptive parent knows thats coming some day. Hell I said it when I was particularly angry and wanted to hurt my mother and my adoption wasn't open. Imagine if the "REAL" Mom is there, how much easier it is for the child to view their adoptive parents who love them so much and want only to raise them in the best possible home and have a "real" family, in some lesser light if you, the biological mother doesn't handle this whole thing in exactly the right sensitive way.

These people aren't baiting and switching. They aren't plotting. they aren't trying to be devious and hurtful. They are petrified, they've already been broken and hurt worse than you can possibly imagine.

You bear just as much responsibility for making sure this will be a positive and healing relationship for both sides and the child. Only if everyone really trusts each other can everyone really maintain a solid relationship for the life of everyone involved. And believe me its to the benefit of the child to know, to have the answers when they sit up at night alone, really feeling alone and wondering where they came from, who they are.

Im SOOO diabetic. I almost died last Christmas. I didn't have ANY family medical history, I had/have trust and abandonment issues. Identity issues that every adopted person deals with for their entire life, that MIGHT be resolved when you finally find out you weren't thrown away because you weren't good enough or just not loved or wanted. Open adoption is the ONLY way to avoid leaving serious emotional scarring on the child. We love our adoptive families. I take serious offense to the whole "so you found your REAL family" etc. I always had a real family, they raised me, they loved me, they dealt with all of my BS and boy howdy did I get creative about all the kinds of BS I could put them through but we are very close all the same. Now I HAVE found my biological family or rather they found me and I'm getting ready to meet them 4rth of July weekend but I am elated then freaked out then elated... I'm keeping my shrink in business anyway.

Just try to remember that these families are not doing anything out of maliciousness. They aren't planning out anything against you. They are scared just like you are and if you move too fast or don't let them understand that you are just as scared about this whole thing and you also only want the best for the baby, how could you want otherwise? You are going through the whole pregnancy and delivery, you can send them running if you scare them or you can earn their trust just like they need to earn yours so that someday when your child is sitting alone on their bed, maybe even next to their spouse in the dark but still alone with them self, they will know who they are and not have all those holes and empty spaces inside that they don't know how to answer or fill.

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