Adoptive Parents - Did you change your child's name? If so, why?

BPD Wife

When we first learned of our son, we did talk about changing his name. It was rather â€œdifferentâ€ and we were somewhat afraid of how it would be interpreted in society, especially as he went through school because of how cruel kids can be. However, as soon as we met him, there was no way we could change his name. His name fit him perfectly and we couldnâ€™t imagine changing it. The name has grown on us and surprisingly, we have received many compliments on how nice it is.

However, we did change his middle name. We struggled with this at first. However, we were concerned that the name that was chosen for him would be a reminder of abuse and neglect when he was old enough to understand the whole story. We spoke with the bio grandparents to discuss our concerns and they told us that they WANTED us to change it because of the same reasons. They supported our decision 100% and we ran the new middle name we chose past them before making it official. They love it. (It is important to say here that we have a very open relationship with the bio grandparents but the bio parents chose to walk away and now deny ever having a child so it was the grandparentsâ€™ opinion that mattered the most to us in this case).

And then of course, we gave our son our last name. When our son is old enough to know the story of his adoption completely â€“ with all the good & the bad â€“ then he will also be able to make his own decisions about whether or not he wants to change his name back to the original name given to him or keep it as the one we chose for him.

warriormom1920

Our children were both in our homes as foster children first. So, they had names they were used to going by. Changing their first name, in our opinion, would have been another change for them to adjust to unnecessarily. We also felt that it would have sent them an unspoken message that we were trying to "erase" their previous life. We did change their middle names so that we felt we had a part in naming them. We chose middle names that were significant to us for sentimental reasons.

Brooke B.

my parents adopted me when i was 2, and they did not change my name either. They thought i had a pretty name.

a healing adoptee

my parents changed the first letter of my name and that was it.

to network mommy- there is no way in the world you can erase those memories that your daughter has. You deal with them and take one day at a time. That is what I did, i can say talking about and facing it head on, helped in the healing process.

Cam

No we did not. Her first and middle names are her original names given at birth.

HappyMomAnna

Everyone has an opinion around here so don't let anything anyone tells you change your own feelings....

We did not change our children's first names however we did talk with our daugher who was nearly 6 at finalization about the fact she could.... We gave her a middle name she chose for herself....

Our son did have a first and middle name--and we Did change his middle name as it was in "honor" of the man who ended up 1) Not being his biological father and 2) Was the molester of his sister....

There was No way on this earth I planned to allow his older sister to suffer the rest of her life with a brother named for and after the person who hurt her in ways she will not understand until she is much older....

I completely understand in the situation you have shared why you might want to change your name.... Many of us who adopt children that are older choose... some of us change our children's names in order to protect them also....

You will find however that many people who do NOT know the story you have--can't understand it.... While I am the first to believe that adoptees have the right to the correct information and all of the details when they are old enough....I also understand where you might have the feelings you do about your name....

I think it may be a little like the feelings I had when I got a divorce from an abusive husband and took back my original last name.... He was offended that I would go so far as to make sure I didn't have to think about him at all especially when I signed everything with it.... I also changed my first name and shortened part of it at the same time... For me it was partly Liberating.... starting New and not being connected with the Person That Name belonged to....

As adoptive parents of children old enough to express feelings many of us at my website have found it is very common for children from Foster Care to want a new name--and to view the adoption as a kind of marriage rather than the way many people adopted at birth feel about it when they find their name was changed....

So--keep in mind that your situation--and your feelings may not agree with many other adoptees...especially here....but, your feelings are Very Valid to those of us doing our best to help our children adopted from care deal not only with their adoption issues--but, the lack of understanding they face around even their own kind....

You know something---you can still change your name if you want to!

Autumn

My mother changed only my last name. Which I can understand why. She said I was old enough to understand something like changing my first name (I was 2, but I dont remember). She said it would've cause too much confusion in a already confusing situation.

IDK!!

We did. His name before was "Baby Boy *******" If he had a name before I would have kept the first and middle name.

If he were an older child I would have done what ever he wanted, change it or not.

mom1

I had a kinship adoption with the same last name. I did not change his first name but I added to his name. I added a family name, now he has 4 names. He can decide later in life if he would like to keep them all. I struggled with the decision, I was going to replace the middle name but it felt wrong.

Erin L

Yes, we did. We did it because it wasn't an "American" name and felt that it might cause teasing, etc. We also still use her original name a lot, though, so she responds to both names. If I had it to do over again, I would not change her name. I've just come to see it as destructive of identity.

Sophie

I adopted my son when he was a baby and I kept my son's first birth-given name;

changed his middle name to a family name (my Dad and brother both have the same first name- that is the name I chose for my son's middle name;

and changed his last name to mine.

I also, seriously considered changing my last name to his, but thought it would be too corny or changing both of our last names to his birthplace or something. I know I made the right decision for us now... and sometimes I think that when my son is older, I'll ask him if he likes his name and let him know that he can change it back if he wants.

StacieG

We're adoptive parents & we changed the girls' names.

They were 7 & 10 at the time. We weren't planning on changing their names. We loved their names...besides the fact that they were losing so much (at an older age) and we didn't want them to lose their "identity" too.

We found out about five minutes before we met them that they thought their names were "old lady names" and wanted us to change them. We worked through a translator and explained that when we re-adopted them in the US (about 6 months later) that we would revisit the issue & if they still felt the same then we would do that.

When we re-adopted them, they did still feel the same. We came up with a list of names that were very similar to their birth names (we didn't want them to regret a radical change later). We allowed them to choose their new first names. When we re-adopted them, we changed their names to their newly chosen ones.

GEE-GEE

We decided along with the birth mother on my sons first and middle name. We gave him our last name. I think it is just easier to have our last name.

opedial

We moved the first names to the middle names and call them by their given names, or a mixture. We did so primarily for safety reasons as we adopted them from foster care in a city where both parents, who have abuse and alcohol problems still live.

We did enjoy naming them and they have all had a say in their "new" name. our little four year old loves putting Princess before her new name, so it is kind of a make believe name for her, but we mostly call her by the name her parents gave her, which is her first name.

Most people say never change a child's name, but I think each case is unique.

5littlemonkeys

Ya we did.
We have adopted a sibling group of three through foster care. We changed the two oldest because of concerns of negative connections, safety, and to symbolize
They have a name connecting them to their first names, one has her previous first name as her middle name the other has his previous last name as a second middle name per his ffathers request.

Because our youngest was placed at birth we named her as her mother requested so no name change their and no major safety concerns unlike the other two bfathers.
I currently refer to the kids as their original first names when communicating with their ffathers.

P.S. Thank you for your answer to the question to adoptees about name changes. It helps to see answers that reflect some of the reasons we changed out children's names.

Jennifer L

We added to our children's names. They retain their first names from birth (although they are rather ethnic to American ears), we added Americanized nicknames, which the children agreed to. The name I suggested to my daughter happened by coincidence to be the name of her favorite caregiver at the orphanage. The name suggested to my son is his (adoptive) grandfather's name and he loves the idea of having the same name as "Grandpa!". Then we added our family surname to the end of their surname.

So, names are (birth first name) (americanized middle name) (birth surname) (adoptive family surname). They go by (birth first name) (adoptive family surname) for short. They always have the option of using their Americanized middle names if they like, but neither one seem too interested in doing that at this point.

I don't think it's respectful to change a child's first name without his/her consent.

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