Adoptive Parents of "today," do you think you are different than the adoptive parents of "old"?

HappyMomAnna

Much!

I learned a lot from both my former mother-in-law and my aunt and uncle who adopted children during the 60-70's. The ONE thing I knew going in to adoption was that I would NOT be the same kind of adoptive mother as my former MIL!

I feel as an adoptive parents I am Judged in many aspects of my life. I also hate to say it but, feel my adopted children are also judged differently and by stereotypes. I feel they have been diagnosed with psychological disorders that may or may not have to do with adoption or genetics but, that adoption is always the first thing considered as the root of all issues.

As an Adoptive Parent I feel very judged by the small groups of people around me that for ANY reason have an Attitude about Adoption and how my family has been put together.

In Some areas I do feel I am judged on my own merits and have been a leader in my community for Adoption Awareness and support. I feel my experience and my willingness to research and present information to other Adoptive and Foster parents as well as parents of children with special needs helps me find respect based on the ideas about what being an adoptive parent is today.

I really RESENT the implications that some might assume based on Other Adoptive Parents both in the Past and Today that It is about Pretending Someone is "My" Blood Relative. I resent this kind of OLD thinking and never honestly understood it since I love my husband and he isn't my blood relative either? I don't get this way of Judgement and don't understand why it's assumed I would bring up my adopted children to feel different in their own home--just because I didn't birth them. I didn't birth their father either and I love him to death too!

Not sure why being an Adoptive Parent somehow implies I would fake as if I gave my children life. Families come together in many different ways and Our family is connected by Adoption. Not only to the people living inside the Household at any given time--but, to the people they are connected with as well.
*

PhilM

Well, as an Adoptee, I can say... I like my adoptive parents. I don't judge you against them.

Mei-Ling

Adoptive parents of TODAY are much more educated and informed (well, a lot more of them are, anyway).

However, they also face more challenges and more individualistic obstacles than the previous generations.

There is always something new to learn.

Isabel A

Yeah, I agree with Phil, my adoptive parents are pretty nice. There really is no comparison between you and them.

ETA: Please note that you can't limit who answers unless you block, and why WOULDN'T you want to hear from adult adoptees who lived that generation you claim is causing problems for you? Hmmmm.

Jennifer L

I think a big change in recent years is the more open dialogue about adoption. Growing up, I knew one adoptee (that I knew of) and I remember it being discussed in Jr high school like the latest rumor.

"Did you hear that so-and-so was adopted?!"

I was like "Really? Huh." and then went on with life. It didn't occur to me to treat her any differently and of course I knew what adoption -was-, I'd just never met anyone who was adopted before.

Now I know plenty of adoptees, adults and children. My children aren't the only adoptees in their school or neighborhood. It's something more openly acknowledged and therefore not something to be a whispered schoolyard rumor anymore.

BLW_KAM

I'm fairly certain previous generations of APs didn't have pictures of their child's natural family in frames throughout the house, or their phone numbers stored on the handset, or say to their children, "Wow, I can see the red highlights coming out in your hair. You got that from K (her other mom)."

If I'm being judged, I'm obtuse to it. In my real life I don't worry about what others think of our family or our relationship with J's natural family. The most important things to me are how one little girl feels and whether I can look in a mirror and not be disappointed in myself.

sunny

Yes, yes, adoptive parents only.

No middle aged 'kids', please.

I think many of us are different. I think or hope that our days of not telling kids they are adopted are behind us. I know many people still don't think that adoptees need to know but that attitude is changing. Also i think more and more APs are aware that children even adopted at birth have concerns that need to be addressed.

There is so much more literature out there and adoption is so much more known and accepted now.

Opedial

I have met people before me who have adopted for the same reasons and the same mentality as us, but I think the differences were that before there was not any emphasis on the bond between parent and child (biologically) and the need to nurture that relationship as best you can, regardless of the action of the parent. (we adopted foster care)

I do see myself somewhat differently than the people of today who adopt through agencies and pay copious amounts of money.

grapesgum

Some have changed, but I think that most still only want to hear from the adoptive parents club and want nothing to do with opinions from first families and adoptees.

~my~babies~momma~

I just feel like a mom. I adopted my oldest but i don't know how a "adoptive parent" should feel.

bjrodgerz

I am my daughters parent but she also has two other parents. I am sure I am judged but I don't think or concern myself with that for I have seen and experienced adoption in so many respects that I am just trying to make the best decisions I can make in this era for my daughter.

sizesmith

I see the difference between my mother-in-law who placed a child, the brother who was placed, and our own relationship with our son's first parents as totally different.

Now, as adoptive parents, we have our son's health and family history written down. He has brothers and sisters that technically, we're not reltated, except in our hearts.

I remember as a little girl, being told that I shouldn't play with a certain boy in school because his parents were divorcing. Whoaaaaaa-things have changed a lot. Now, my same parents would probably tell me what a great catch he was if I were single. Attitudes change, education changes, and people change. We all need to learn to change for the better.

Hopefully, with education, the internet, forums like this, and the availability of contact with first parents, we'll all become better in our adoption journies, no matter what side of the triad we're on. I know that here, by reading answers of many people, that I've learned a lot about the other sides of the triad that I'd never had the opportunity to learn about before. Also, the days of old, of trying to raise a child like you gave birth to it is so antique, and the fact that a child is adopted is nothing to be ashamed of, and just because we're not blood related doesn't mean we don't love each other like we are.

Now, I hope the legislation catches up to modern situations, like legally enforcing open adoption, similar to custody cases in divorce, and giving children their original birth certificates so they can find out their medical history, and who their siblings might be.

I hope I'm a better adoptive parents today than what I would have been if I'd been born 40 years earlier.

kattilac1

I am not adopted,nor have I adopted a child, but my fiance is adopted. His parents were open to him from the day he could understand, so he always knew he was adopted. WHich made no difference at all. His mom is great, his dad passed away 5 years ago, and he still misses him daily. His mom, spoiled him, not very many rules, he got whatever he wanted, she splurged on holidays....and still does, on him ,and his two kids. It is quite a bit more than I am used to , from my parents, and more than I would do for children. We have rules and regulations, bedtimes, snack times, and foods, take turns, share, and such, and I know that grandparents are supposed to have the luxery of spoiling them a little more, and returning them, but it burns me up that we work on rules and stuff to have them disregarded when in her care. She goes above and beyong spoiling. She told me once its because she feels guilty ina way, and she missed out a bit on only have one, and having that one be adopted. She feels like any mom would, toward her son, he is HERS. She said she would do some things differently on raising him, but is happy with how she did it.

BPD Wife

I believe any set of parents, regardless of adoption, are judged on previous generations. My mother often comments to me about how she would have never thought to do things a certain way. But that's all about the "generation gap" in general.

I do believe that adoption itself has changed immensely over the years which allows for a much more open and educated situation for all involved. It still has a long way to go, but I think that some of the changes have affected how adoptive famililes in general are more honest, more open, more involved with original families, etc.

Shelly P. Tofu, E.M.T.

"Are your ideas and parenting philosophies different than that of adoptive parents living a generation or two ahead of you?"-

Probably.. I mean, I don't know all the past APs motives, thoughts, situations and hearts.. but I believe the "prevailing" philosophy about adoption in past decades had some deep errors.. and I like to think that many of us current/future Aps are better informed, more open minded (because unlike past generations, we understand the need to be) etc..

Do I feel like I (as a PaP) am judged based on the ideals of past generations (HE** YEAH, with EVERY OTHER QUESTION that is posted here). Yes. I feel like because I'm infertile and hope some day to adopt, I am automatically responsible, not only for some atrocities still happening today, but also for the BSE.. HELLOOO I wasn't even BORN then.

Yes, I believe that adoptive parents today are not given a chance to prove that we've learned from the mistakes of the past and want to do things different.. in the child's best interest.

Enter Your Message or Comment

User Name:
User Email:
Post a comment: